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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU so please come and give me a kicking

72 replies

blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 21:42

I am a single parent.

I work.

I am also studying.

I juggle life with my DC's and manage to get everyone out to school in the morning (apart from the one day their dad has them) and I manage to feed them all and put them all to bed.

There's a friend, who is a SAHM and has a partner who is home every evening.

Before I get flamed, she does not have mental health issues or PND.

Her mother comes round in the morning to help her get her kids up and dressed.

Her mother then comes back at tea time to help with feeding the kids.

And stays to put the youngest to bed.

It's not fair

Gimme perspective please. I know I'm being U but I just am struggling yet I manage why is she always complaining about how hard it is.

Oh i don't know.

OP posts:
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 12/04/2011 21:44

YANBU, but there's not a lot you can do about it unfortunatley.

Sounds like you're doing a great job.

squeakytoy · 12/04/2011 21:45

What is she exactly saying is hard? Doesnt sound like she has very much to do...

ChaosTulyReigns · 12/04/2011 21:45

She a sounds like a grown-up PFB.

LionRock · 12/04/2011 21:45

(In your defence) She may not have mental health issues or PND, she may just be useless :)

(In her defence) Her mum could be the controlling type who has convinced the daughter that she can't do any of this stuff on her own.

YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 21:47

She has mental health issues - there is the difference! if you have nobody whom is willing to help that is hardly her fault is it? Being a single parent is hard - i know all too weell - i have been through HELL! But luckily i do not have menatal health issues/illness. You sound as if you are coping OK. You are striving for a different/better future for your children. Feel good about that and thankful you are able to via good health!

Count your blessings!
Good luck

YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 21:49

Oh - note to self - read OP properly - sorry - she does NOT have health issues!

Oh well could be that she has a helpful caring Mother for one reason - some people are lucky for that - doesn't make her any less better than you. just get on with your own life. You have lots of good things to come as reward for your hard work.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 21:49

She can't get ready in the morning to take the older ones to school.

She's always complaining about how hard it is to have 3. But two of them are at school and there's only a 2 year old (nearly 3) at home.

She isn't up when her mum arrives in the morning (usually about 8)

She can't feed the kids by herself. It's just too difficult to manage them all.

She can't put them all to bed the oldest one won't go to bed for her so often her mum has to stay to do that for her.

Oldest child, BTW, is 13. Why she can't put herself to bed, get herself up and ready in the morning I do not know.

Mine can, albeit I am floating around, but I am not putting her to bed or getting her up in the morning, well apart from a bang on the door if she's not up by 7.30

She is supposed to be looking for work, and says she can't work because she doesn't know how she would be out the door on time.

I'm seriously struggling to be her friend because I want to yell at her - she should try being me for a week Sad

OP posts:
onceamai · 12/04/2011 21:50

The OP isn't saying anybody has mental health issues.

You don't deserve a kicking OP you deserve a big fat well done. It's very hard and you are the better woman for doing it all yourself and you and the DC will look back and feel proud. Hope things get easier soon.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 21:51

Awh thanks guys.

I suppose I'm a bit jealous of the help she gets Blush and of the fact that she takes it for granted.

OP posts:
purplerabbitofinle · 12/04/2011 21:53

She may not have MH issues but she sounds like she has the mental age of a nine year old! What kind of person needs Mummy to get them up and breakfasted past the age of about 13? Or wants that??

YANBU - but maybe be grateful your own family aren't quite that bad? Shock and Grin and [tongue in cheek]

Hatesponge · 12/04/2011 21:55

You're right it isn't fair.

I'm a working lone parent too and it is bloody hard work sometimes. Hats off to you for managing to study as well. Be proud of what you're achieving.

Some people are just wet lettuces. They go through life flapping around ineffectually and rely on everyone to help them do stuff. A relative of mine used to go to work first thing (say 6am), come home about 8ish every day to get his DC up (so wife could have a lay in!) make their lunch and take them to school...then come back at lunchtime and do the housework. And then cook dinner in the evening. She did go to work in the end, part time, as she got bored being at home when DC were at school!

Honestly, a helping hand is nice from time to time, but I wouldn't want, or want to feel I needed, that level of help.

Nagoo · 12/04/2011 21:55

OP, you are better than her, what can you do? Wink

Some people just find life hard. Some people have to get on with it. If i were you , the next time she moans, just ask her to have her think about what she is saying, and to who Grin

You can do it, and you are. You haven't got a safety net, and you don't need one. But she shouldn't be doing the "poor me's" with you as an audience.

AuraofDora · 12/04/2011 21:55

you sound organised and deserve a medal, like most folks who do this job alone.. give yourself a glass of wine and a pat on the back
dont worry about her across the road, like mentioned her mum could have her in zodiac mind warp, brain washed into thinking she cant cope without her..

TeddyMcardle · 12/04/2011 21:55

I think in this case the woman you're talking about sounds very dis-empowered. There may be a multitude of issues you don't know about or maybe she has just never had to cope. I'm a single mum, albeit only to one baby. I have struggled, ds was a few weeks old when exh left us. But I did it, because I had to, like you did right? But I would have gladly taken help had it been offered, I still would.
We're not meant to raise children alone, or as couples, ideally there would be family and friends who would help and who we would help. But some of us don't have that. I don't, you don't.
I wouldn't resent her though.

atswimtwolengths · 12/04/2011 21:56

If your friend was my daughter then I'd be ashamed of her laziness and the way she can't manage to carry out the most basic of tasks at home.

Given the challenges you are setting yourself, OP, with studying etc, I'd recommend looking for friends who are supportive of you, have a bit of energy and are trying to improve their own situation, rather than someone who can't get up until her mum gets her up. That's a disgrace!

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 21:57

I don't know that I'd want my Mum in my house twice a day every day.

In fact, I know I wouldn't want my Mum in my house twice a day every day Grin (sorry mum lol)

She struggles, for example, with taking the youngest to a toddler group because it leaves her all behind all day.

I struggle to see what it leaves her behind with Grin - tongue in cheek

I don't know, I suppose it's because on Tuesday nights I'm in out in out in out in out with mine to two different clubs, I never sit down until now, and she's had her mother just leave at 9.30.

My house is a mess and hers will be clean and tidy.

Envy is not a nice feeling Sad

OP posts:
PlopPlopPing · 12/04/2011 21:57

Wow sounds like she really can't cope. Totally understand the jealously and just posted something about a similar thing myself.

Perhaps you could try turning it into pitty though as she obviously can't do much by herself whereas you can and do. Wouldn't you hate to be that in need of help.

MaisyMooCow · 12/04/2011 22:00

Some people are independant and do-ers, others are very needy. I have some ' needy' friends it frustrates me. I feel like shaking them saying 'get a grip woman' !!!

OP, you're doing a great job :)

atswimtwolengths · 12/04/2011 22:01

What do you say to her when she's complaining? Do you ever say in an exasperated way, "Oh for god's sake, why can't you get up without your mum coming round? That's setting an awful example to the children"?

compo · 12/04/2011 22:01

Maybe she is depressed but she doesn't want you to know

ChoccoVersial · 12/04/2011 22:02

What an irritating wuss of a woman she must be! I would have no patience with such feeble behaviour (sorry!).

Feel proud of yourself; I'm full of admiration for single parents who really do do it all.

blueeyedmonster · 12/04/2011 22:03

YANBU she is for having to have her mum sort her children out for school!

umf · 12/04/2011 22:04

Why doesn't she have enough empathy not to whinge to you?

NorksAreMessy · 12/04/2011 22:04

You KNOW that you are having a more involved life and are setting a better example to your DCs.
Just like exercise, it is much more comfortable to lie on the sofa and do nothing, but much more satisfying to get off your arse and go for a run.
Your friend's mum is a sofa of the most comfy sort. but we all know what happens if you sit on a sofa all day...you get a fat arse and a flabby brain.
As an aside, how can she admit this to her friends. I would be so ashamed that I couldn't possibly mention it.

TheSkiingGardener · 12/04/2011 22:06

I think I would be forced to say something. How do you sugar coat a phrase such as "for fucks sake get a grip, woman"?

I am lucky with getting help, but appreciate it and still do lots as well. I would hate the dependence this woman seems to have on her Mum, I just wouldn't feel like an adult. Maybe she is more to be pitied than censured but I can completely understand how you are feeling!