I know IABU so please come and give me a kicking

[blondebutonlyfaking]

I am a single parent.

I work.

I am also studying.

I juggle life with my DC's and manage to get everyone out to school in the morning (apart from the one day their dad has them) and I manage to feed them all and put them all to bed.

There's a friend, who is a SAHM and has a partner who is home every evening.

Before I get flamed, she does not have mental health issues or PND.

Her mother comes round in the morning to help her get her kids up and dressed.

Her mother then comes back at tea time to help with feeding the kids.

And stays to put the youngest to bed.

It's not fair

Gimme perspective please. I know I'm being U but I just am struggling yet I manage why is she always complaining about how hard it is.

Oh i don't know.

You are setting an amazing example to your children, they will make you so proud of them!

OP why did you say that you know you're being unreasonable in the title when you clearly don't think you're being unreasonable?

I know I'm being unreasonable in letting it annoy me like it does - it's really none of my business and I shouldn't even notice it - that's what I am being UR about. What difference does it make to me? Her life, her choices, so why does it bother me?

I've thought a lot about it overnight, and I think the issue for me is that she is always saying how hard she has it, how difficult it is for her. She has no ability to empathise, or think that she might be sounding off to the wrong person. That it might be hard for other people, that I might be busier, or more tired, or more stressed - not that's it's a competition, it's not, but that she just cannot see past the end of her own nose.

The other thing that bothers me, and again I know it shouldn't really as it's up to her mother and father how much they help, but it bothers me that she doesn't appreciate the help that she is getting.

The last part is that she gets me to look after the children on the weekends - her and hubby went out on Saturday to go to the DIY superstore. Left the kids with me at 11.30, said they'd be back in time for lunch, came back at 4 with no contact. I had to give them all lunch (not a hassle, I was making lunch for my own) but also I was stuck then and couldn't go out as I couldn't fit them all in the car. Mind, I had told her I wasn't going out anywhere, so I suppose she thought it didn't matter.

But I'm going to distance myself and not be so available to her.

Definitely don't babysit for her! Can't take their own children to a shop? Two grown adults? Is he as useless as her, then? Actually, is he? Why isn't he helping with teatime and bedtime and whatnot?

I would actually try and nip the complaining in the bud. Hers, I mean, although if you're complaining to her as well, then yours too - I can imagine the two of you getting into a competitive cycle, because you want her to really hear how much harder it is for you, and then she feels like she has to justify herself, etc.

But next time she's off on one, can you not say 'honestly, I think most people would love to be able to stay home with school-age children, let alone have their parents come and help every day, does your Mum not mind?"

I dont say anything - I don't get a word in.

I am far too soft.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything out of this friendship at all, to be honest. If you won't say anything to her, I'd consider whether to keep seeing her at all.

I was wondering why her Mum doesn't just say no, but then you said you went ahead and babysat for two perfectly competent adults while they went shopping, so you're doing it too. What is it about these victim types that everyone helps them? Argh!

(and I still want to know why her husband can't help with bedtime/tea)

I have a friend much like yours OP.

The difference being that I genuinely like her, although I sometimes wish she would pick her audience when moaning about things.

I am still gobsmacked that a grown woman needs the help of both her parents to do the weekly shop though. And her mum to come over to do her ironing. She has never put her two children to bed without help.

But I comfort myself that I get to take pride in the things I achieve.

Similarly, my parents mollycoddled my brother and left me to fend for myself. Result: I can take care of myself and am a happy, confident, fully functioning adult, while bro is an underachieving whiner who can't quite understand why the world is not being handed to him on a plate.

YANBU. I have a friend who never stops moaning how difficult she finds things and it's driving me nuts.

We're not on the best of terms just now as I'm afraid I did tell her that she didn't know how lucky she is but she said that I don't realise that 'as I had everything done for me before I left home and (DH) did most things before the children came along, I find it difficult to adjust to having to do everything for myself'. She's 44 incidentally and has two children at school. I'd have much more respect for her if she just said that she can't be arsed and would rather spend her days in the salon.

I applaud people like you...you are AMAZING!

Well done!

Don't forget to give yourself time for yourself...in your hectic schedule.

Well I certainly wouldn't babysit for her if you've got enough on your plate and you feel the way you do. I think it's a good idea to distance yourself as your friend is clearly irritating you quite a bit.
While it seems on the surface that she has an easy time and has no mh issues (not sure how you would know this for sure) not all kids are the same and maybe hers are quite difficult so she needs the help.

I like her - we've been friends a long long time.

But I can't listen to it any longer.

Like this morning, I need to get out the door, the kids are fighting, I'm referee, doing hair and making sure teeth are cleaned.

Got myself up, showered, dressed for work and am on here with my coffee while the kids finish up getting ready.

And she will either not be out of bed and her mum will be doing all, or she will be up but in her PJ's and her mum will be doing all.

Her DH is able to help, but he never does stuff right, not to her standard and she complains at him if he doesn't get it right.

Don't be jealous of her. She is getting too much help to the point that she can't cope with her own kids on her own. That is not something to be jealous of. You are doing a great job with your family and she's probably jealous of your independence and resilience.

What do enjoy about the friendship?
Does she make you laugh?
Can you tell her how you feel?
Do you trust her not to gossip?
Would she help you out in a crisis?
Or is it a one way street?

You have a lot on your plate so don't indulge her complaining. Next time just say, "you don't know how lucky you are" or "would you like to swap with me for a week or two". If she's a real friend she'll take the point and be more tactful around you in future.

YABU - your friend clearly has problems which you may not see because you are so busy being envious and self-righteous.

I don't think OP is amazing, she's just getting on with life as best she can. As is her friend.

Tbh as someone whose suffered from PND not getting out of bed in the morning or being bothered to do anything DOES indicate MH issues to me.
I quite often have to put both kids to bed myself when DH is on a late shift but I do feel exhausted after - if my mum offered to help me though I would probably jump at the chance (no chance of that in my case though unfortunately).

I really am very very sorry if I've come across as self-righteous. I haven't meant to at all - although I am envious of the help that she gets. I don't mean to sound self righteous, I posted her to try to get some perspective as I am struggling (after 15 years of friendship) to carry on and not say "FFS get a grip. Try my life for a week and see how you like it"

But that isn't my style and it wouldn't be helpful. She just projects this aura of helplessness - she can't do xyz but she's never been put in a situation where she has to try IYSWIM?

I really just meant to show the difference in the situations - I am not in the least "proud" of what I am doing - I'm just doing my life and making my own choices but some help would be nice now and again.

Possibly she does have MH issues, but surely they would be picked up by HV? Given that they've been going on now for years and years and through pregnancies/babyhood of her children? She does take them to the doctor with the slightest sniffle or if they are even just whingy and having a bad day. Surely the doctor would pick up on it? (And I know that as I mind the others if she's taking one to the doctor and she comes back and tells me "the doctor can't find anything wrong")

Her kids are perfectly normal kids as far as I can see - I've two children with issues, one is deaf and the other has food allergies/intolerances and a restricted diet (and behavioural issues that come with the food problems) and certainly when I have hers they are just normal.

I can see that it is pretty much a one way street - she never has my kids for example but then again I've never asked.

Maybe I should start saying "yes I'll keep yours for you but in return could you keep mine"?

Oh I dunno.

Not running away from the thread, but I am in work and I'll be on again later

People can be very good at hiding mh issues. My HV never picked up on mine. I also took my kids to the doctor with the slightest sniffle - the doctor didn't pick up on it either. She may well have it harder than you think or she might just be a lazy cow - who knows?

But next time she's off on one, can you not say 'honestly, I think most people would love to be able to stay home with school-age children, let alone have their parents come and help every day, does your Mum not mind?"

Someone further up suggested you say this and I think you should. Maybe then she would open up about any MH issues or other problems she has. If she still thinks she's got it hard I would at least feel a bit better about it having pointed out that she gets quite a lot of help. I'm sure most people wouldn't agree but I always feel better having spoken my mind!

OP, things are never what they seem. Your friend may have some issues. I can bet my bottom dollar that she is envious of you because you do so much and probably make her feel worthless. That's human nature for you , never satisfied with what we have. However, i don't think that you should babysit for her.

No! Don't babysit for her!

If you haven't the courage to tell her how yopu feel then leave her. Maybe she asked for the help from her relative? That is a good thing.

OP ignore the person who said you are being self-righteous. It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do.