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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU so please come and give me a kicking

72 replies

blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 21:42

I am a single parent.

I work.

I am also studying.

I juggle life with my DC's and manage to get everyone out to school in the morning (apart from the one day their dad has them) and I manage to feed them all and put them all to bed.

There's a friend, who is a SAHM and has a partner who is home every evening.

Before I get flamed, she does not have mental health issues or PND.

Her mother comes round in the morning to help her get her kids up and dressed.

Her mother then comes back at tea time to help with feeding the kids.

And stays to put the youngest to bed.

It's not fair

Gimme perspective please. I know I'm being U but I just am struggling yet I manage why is she always complaining about how hard it is.

Oh i don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:06

I don't think she's depressed but I suppose she could be. She's an old friend though and I think she'd tell me.

But her mum has done this since the second one was a baby and the eldest had to get out to school.

I think I am going to do what atswim suggested and do the exasperated "FFS"

OP posts:
Flowerpotmummy · 12/04/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claretandcheese · 12/04/2011 22:08

I think it may be her mother who has problems. She is providing this help and encouraging dependency in her daughter. Not healthy. Who knows how many of us would be the same if our mums went to such extremes. It may be the mum who is the needy one.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:09

I actually met her in town the other week and she said "you look tired"

I said "I am knackered, been at work, then college, DD needs new trainers. It's hard going"

She said "I know. I had to walk these two up here on my own"

(Toddler in buggy, other child walking)

It was all of about a mile.

OP posts:
ChoccoVersial · 12/04/2011 22:09

Some people do have the helpless act off pat though....

My sis has twins - I remember staying at our folks with her once when the twins were about 2. She went up to give them a bath, but my mum said "oh, she can't possibly manage on her own, I must help her"!

At that time, I had a 3yo, a 2yo and a 3mo..... No help whatsoever was offered to me at bathtime! Maybe because I didn't give off that "helpless" aura, and just got on with it myself.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:10

Claret - her mum gets really exasperated with her though - I have been there when she's phoned her mum to see when she's coming over because the kids need their tea.

And been there when her mum has torn her to shreds over not getting up in the morning.

OP posts:
Hassled · 12/04/2011 22:11

She's bloody lucky, there's no doubt about it. But there will be a time when she will have to cope with shit on her own - no-one sails through life completely unscathed. What I'm trying to say is that while you've had your fair share of shit, and are going through it now, and have developed the strength of character to cope, her shit is yet to come - not for a long time, but one day. Her mother won't always be there, for example. So the jealousy is misplaced, really.

YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:11

OP i have nobody - no mother, father siblings NOBODY aside from a toxic friend i rarely see! I have an SN child too i could go on but i do not feel your friend is less than i am! It is life! it is hard.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:11

Chocco - maybe that's it. Maybe it's the aura...

OP posts:
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 12/04/2011 22:12

As someone who 'copes' I feel sort of sorry for her in that I can't imagine being that dependant on someone as an adult and mother of three.

But.

YANBU. Another part of me would want to drop to the floor screaming and having a hissy fit and yell at her !

I asked my Ex to make a phonecall for DD, as I wasn't going to be around when something was going on and he said 'can you do it? I don't want the number on my phone'.HmmBiscuitConfused

I did it.

And then went kickboxingGrin

It is the way of some families, My Uncle has taken all of his grandchildren (all 8 of them) on holiday, among other things, every year of their lives up to a certain age. (about 14 I think)

My Mum and Dad have had my children about...... 3 times for a few hours.Sad

Sorry, I appear to be empathising a little too much.... Blush

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:13

See Mittzy that's it.

Part of me really wants to grab her by the figurative throat and give her a good shake and say catch a fucking grip woman you are 37 years old. Grow up.

But I am too much of a wuss Grin

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:14

You just get on with it i don t expect a medal after 13 years of total lonliness and despair at a child with no sight, speech etc. I do not feel jealous of families either, i had it, i left extended family via they not being interested/ashamed of my son. I am lonley and feel sad sometimes but i cope. As someone else said her time will come when she has to cope in life. If i was you i'd be there for her.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:15

youaretoonice - Sad about your child.

Do you get not any help at all? That's awful for you to have to cope with on your own.

OP posts:
Absolutelyfabulous · 12/04/2011 22:16

She sounds like a pathetic useless drip. Just be thankful you ain't!

YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:18

I get respite in school holidays 9am to 4pm, 4 weekdays. of course he goes to school. I find it fecking hard i tell you, i wish i had help, i;m lonley as feck most of the time. I have asked for more help. But i ma fecking strong as an ox and 13 years later it still hasn't beaten me ..yet.... But i was strong before his birth.. i've had to be.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:18

Sometimes I covet her clean floors

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:20

Don't pity me ..i'm not your friend......Grin i'm still happy too.. sometimes...

A1980 · 12/04/2011 22:20

You asked for some perspective:

my friend got run over by a truck two weeks ago. She's alive but faces a LONG recovery and may never wlak without crutches again.

That isn't fair!

A couple of days before the accident she was worrying about job, money, etc. Now she's worrying about learnign to walk again.

Things seem shite until life really bitch slaps you.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:21

A1980 that's so unfair

But that's exactly what I mean.

My life seems so hard in comparison to hers.

Thanks for the perspective.

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:23

My life is harder than your blonde....perhaps your friend doesn't tell you everything! be happy..you're lucky..for now..as we all consider ourselves to be..could be worst xxx

buttonmooncup · 12/04/2011 22:25

I think YABabitU. Are you resentful towards people who are part of a couple and have help with the childcare? And are they not allowed to say if they're tired or finding something difficult? It's not a competition! If her mum is happy to help it's not really any of your business.

Original poster
blondebutonlyfaking · 12/04/2011 22:29

It's not really resentful of the help as such. It's that she is constantly complaining that she has it so hard and it's so difficult for her.

It's that I find difficult to listen to.

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 22:32

Maybe don't see her anymore?

googoomama · 12/04/2011 22:32

I am in the same position as you OP. I regularly have to smile politely whilst women at work and those women at work who work pt tell everyone about their "stressful" times, when they get loads of help from dhs, parents, the cat, you name it. I had an especially hard time during the snow listening to all the wives telling me what feats of bravery/kindness/selflessness/love their husbands had performed in order to get them to work, whilst I had had to dig out the car, skid to school with 2 small boys in the back, or walk to their place with sledges THEN get to work myself. In fact, one day I cried secretly in the toilets with the loneliness of it all...
HOWEVER, it's just life, there are millions of women (and a good few men too) in our position, so I always tell myself I can't get bitter. I wouldn't want everyone to be a single mum just so that I feel better about my situation. And also, doing everything myself makes me feel so strong. Someone said to me the other day "You're the only person in this place who's happy all the time" and I took it as a real compliment, because noone else makes me happy but myself and my kids and if some of the people at work had to do half the things I have to do, they would be utterly exhausted, never mind doing a good job and keeping cheerful. So now I just feel secretly proud of myself :)

spiderslegs · 12/04/2011 22:47

OP - She sounds useless, I imagine she is awe of how capable you appear & is trying in a cack-handed way to empathise about how hard it all is.

Mind you, she may just be a thoughtless, lazy cow.