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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the difference in parenting between me and my sister is extremely unfair?

53 replies

OldBoots · 12/04/2011 15:55

Bit of background. My dad died when I was in very early teens. My mum re-married very soon afterwards and they had another child. I was 13. Me and the new husband really didn't get on, he was a twat, very immature and took great delight in making me unhappy. My mum took his side over everything, god forbid anything come and spoil her new happy family. I was kicked out at the age of 16. Found life very difficult from then on, had children of my own very young (17) and have never lived anywhere but shitty, rough council estates. The one time I did ask for their help it was to be a guarantor for a little cheap house in a nice area, they said no as it was "Too much of a risk" to them. I am good with money, NEVER miss a payment so this, tbf was a load of shit.

Anyway I eventually sorted myself out but it's been bloody hard, I slogged my way through uni as a single parent living in a little council house, 2 young kids and no money - I'm now working and earning an ok wage (£20k a year, which is good for someone like me )

My sister is now 18. Last year she was GIVEN £4k from her grandmother. She blew it ALL within months buying TOYS such as xboxs, macs, mac-books, i-phones etc = none of which she actually uses, she wanted to buy them because she had the money. This year she's been given another £7k from her grandfather. She's in the process of blowing that too buying more toys.

OK, my mum is nothing to do with that money, not her fault nobody ever gave me that when I was a teen but I can't help feeling a bit bitter even so.

Now what has really pissed me off is that a few months ago my mum was saying how my sister wanted a place of her own. She was at college at the time (well, on the odd occasion that she could actually be arsed to turn up) and had no job and no intention of getting a job. I said to my mum "oh? and how is she going to do that when she isn't working?" my mum said "she'd be able to with a guarantor". This obviously pissed me off because it was something they'd refused to do for me when I AM good with money yet they'd just watched my sister blow £5k+ on toys. I said "oh? you're ok with that now? only when I asked, you said no". She went a bit quiet and finally replied "oh no, we wouldn't do it, I was just saying she'd need to find one."

I've just found out that not only have they now signed papers to be her guarantor for a 3 BEDROOMED HOUSE IN A LOVELY, QUIET AND EXPENSIVE VILLAGE but they have also paid her month's rent in advance AND deposit and are no doubt preparing to pay something towards her rent each month. My mum has delibrately kept this from me, I've found out from another family member.

AIBU in being really, really fucked off about this?? I struggled on my own for 13 years and they KNEW I was struggling and did absolutely nothing to help yet sister gets it all handed to her on a plate.

Yes I'm in my 30s and probably should be more grown up about it but it is unreasonable of me NOT to want to be reasonable about this??

(It's not a case of different circumstances, when I asked for help they DID have money, probably more than they do now).

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/04/2011 15:58

YANBU BUT you must let it go or it'll eat you up inside

Think of your pride, and self esteem, all your achievements, gained without help from them and puff out your chest, gwan, do it now

minipie · 12/04/2011 16:00

YANBU at all.

But there is nothing you can do about it Sad so probably best to say "fuck em" and be proud of what you have achieved by yourself.

I must admit that if I were in your shoes, I would be tempted ask my mum how she justified the different treatment, just to see her squirm (she clearly feels bad about it) - but in the long run that probably wouldn't help you and so best to just rise above if you can.

worraliberty · 12/04/2011 16:01

Well for what it's worth, I wouldn't be a guarantor for anyone...but do you think it's because her husband refused with you but not with his own child?

Maybe your Mum had no real say in it if she couldn't afford to do it alone and needed his help?

As for the Grandparent's money, you shouldn't be bitter because that's really nothing to do with your sibling or your Mum.

LindyHemming · 12/04/2011 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K999 · 12/04/2011 16:02

It's not surprising that you feel the way you do. But, on the other hand you have worked hard and have DCs and probably know the value of money. You are setting a good example to your children. You sound like a lovely person so give yourself a pat on the back! And your sister has probably been brought up like this all her life so not her fault. I suspect your mum realises it's not fair but if I was here I would be very proud of you! Smile

PlopPlopPing · 12/04/2011 16:02

Ah that's horrible honey! I would be so angry!!!!! Have you thought about sitting your mum down and telling her all this and how you feel?

jellybeansontoast · 12/04/2011 16:04

I'd be absolutely livid. It's completely and utterly unfair of your mother, especially considering at the time when you asked for a guarantor you had small children. The fact your mother has hidden the financial support she's giving your sister from you is very telling in itself - she knows that she's been unreasonable.

If it's any consolation, you have managed it all on your own and have done brilliantly (don't mean to sound patronising). Someone like your sister, who blows money and gets bailed out, will have absolutely no marketable skills, will fritter money, and eventually stop being helped by those around her. I mean who spends thousands on things they don't even want, just because they can?! Your parents' finances aren't unlimited. She will probably end up panicked, moving back home and without the hope of a job. You, on the other hand, are sorted.

You should be really proud of yourself, and you should feel sorry for your sister in a way. In five years, she's going to seriously envy you for everything you've achieved on your own.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 12/04/2011 16:06

She shouldn't have to sit her mother down and tell her- it's fucking obvious. I agree it's probably got its origin in the Mother's rather unpleasant-sounding husband though.

Original poster
OldBoots · 12/04/2011 16:09

To be honest I am proud of myself, I've worked extremely hard to get where I am and me and the kids are actually moving to a beautiful 3 bedroomed house near their school in 3 weeks - but its been a long time coming!! Grin

The kids are proud of me and I know I've learn valuable skills through having to struggle on peanuts but its the way my mum has ALWAYS put my thoughts and feelings last on the list of priorities. It was the same when I was a child, she'd happily let me take the blame for something another child did so that she didn't fall out with the parent!!

I'm just annoyed really. Really, really annoyed but I know I have to let it go. I just don't know how anyone could see one of their kids suffer for years and just wrap the other one in cotton wool. You're right though, give it a few years and sister will be snowed under in debt, unpaid rent and god knows what else.

OP posts:
pooka · 12/04/2011 16:10

I would absolutely have to speak to her and tell her how I felt. And her reaction would inform what kind of relationship I wanted to maintain for the future.

Original poster
OldBoots · 12/04/2011 16:12

I mean, another thing - why the hell does one person need a 3 bedroomed house?? It would be bad enough if they were the guarantor for a 1 bedroomed flat but a 3 bedroomed family house for one person??? I honestly wouldn't be suprised if the husband did that delibrately knowing it was the kind of house I would have wanted.

OP posts:
MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 16:13

YANBU in being upset about it.

But think of it another way - look how bloody proud you can be of yourself for achieving what you have, without their help.

Let it go. You are a better person.

LittleOneMum · 12/04/2011 16:14

YANBU at all. I'm in a very similar situation to you: I worked bloody hard from nothing, with no help from Mum/step Dad and my step sister has had all the handouts. I am much further down the line that you though and now (aged 37 I am married, have a brilliant job and am married to someone who earns a very good living) and my step sis is still being bailed out by my Mum/step dad and they moan about it constantly (she still shows no sign of getting a decent job). Recently my Mum said that she was proud of me (for the first time ever!) for getting on with things and being financially independent - and she moans about my step sis constantly.

SO hold your head up high, I think that long term they will realise that you've come good and she is essentially going to sponge off them for years to come... xx

mycatoscar · 12/04/2011 16:15

YANBU

what have you got to lose by telling her exactly how you feel? Unless she constantly provides childcare or something that you need I would have it out with her.

I know what this feels like to a lesser degree, me and dh have always been the sensible ones who worked bloody hard to get where we are now, whilst our siblings seem to get everything handed to them on aplate and have been bailed out more times than we can count. I wish I had the courage to do what I am telling you to ...

TheVisitor · 12/04/2011 16:16

Take comfort in the fact that she'll last a month in that house, trash it, realise that no one else will clean up after her, not like the responsibility of being a grown up and run back home, leaving your mother and stepfather paying rent on a house that no one lives in. You've done fucking good, girl.

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2011 16:20

YANBU

However, if she is sooo spoilt she will continually take the piss out of your mum and her dad. Sit back, relax and enjoy watching the shit hit the fan.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 12/04/2011 16:21

YANBU but as pps have said you have to let it go or it will eat you up inside.

I'm glad you're proud of yourself, you have every right to be and you've set your DC a good example too :)

nijinsky · 12/04/2011 16:27

YANBU at all. If I were you, I'd tell them exactly how you feel and then just stop speaking to them on the grounds that they don't seem to like you very much.

I have no idea why parents treat their children so unequally sometimes. My DP younger brother has been given nearly quarter of a million pounds to buy a house and the other two siblings nothing.

JanMorrow · 12/04/2011 16:36

:( you poor thing.

You must feel totally rejected by your Mother. Is her husband a controlling influence? Ie does she say yes to everything he decides? I'd say this came from him, but it's your Mum's job to stand up for you and it's very sad she hasn't. I really feel for you.

Take solace in the fact that you don't owe them a thing, everything you have you have earnt and your children will learn a tremendous lesson from that.

Shame on your Mother for treating her two children so differently really.

Prunnhilda · 12/04/2011 16:41

I really feel for you (lots of unfairness in how my younger brother and I were parented). It is very hard. I think the only thing you can do is detach yourself from that part of the family as gracefully as you can. I don't mean stop talking to them, just, you know, stop caring.
It is so hard.

bibbitybobbityhat · 12/04/2011 16:43

Yanbu - it is extremely hurtful to be treated so differently to a sibling or half sibling.

But don't let your mother get away with keeping this little secret from you. Take a deep breath, be completely brazen, but make a comment about it. Don't get angry, don't cry ... just let her know that you know. Think of something very witty and sarcastic to say in advance. You will feel better for getting it off your chest.

Its a cliche, but ultimately you are better off than your sister. You are solvent, wise and self reliant. All things to be proud of.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/04/2011 16:50

YANBU, and BALD has given you the best advice possible. Be proud of what you have achieved all on your own. It must be incredibly hurtful, but it's true what they say: someone can only hurt you if you let them. Perhaps it's time to distance yourself a little until you have sorted out how you feel and what you want to do about it?

minipie · 12/04/2011 16:53
BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/04/2011 16:57

yep, I DO wish I'd thought of that, Mini, darn it Grin

Pagwatch · 12/04/2011 17:02

Yanbu

But do you know what, you are the one who is the luckiest out of the two of you.
You have a self sufficent mind set, a great work ethic. You are impressive in all that you have achieved, a parent of whom your dcs can be proud.

Being given stuff, being allowed to be idle and self indulgent, never learning to budget and manage your own future really isn't a gift.

I strongly suspect that in five, ten years time you would not swop with her.

Of course it is hurtful. But you have gained much through your difficult times. Never lose sight of that.

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