To think the difference in parenting between me and my sister is extremely unfair?

[OldBoots]

Bit of background. My dad died when I was in very early teens. My mum re-married very soon afterwards and they had another child. I was 13. Me and the new husband really didn't get on, he was a twat, very immature and took great delight in making me unhappy. My mum took his side over everything, god forbid anything come and spoil her new happy family. I was kicked out at the age of 16. Found life very difficult from then on, had children of my own very young (17) and have never lived anywhere but shitty, rough council estates. The one time I did ask for their help it was to be a guarantor for a little cheap house in a nice area, they said no as it was "Too much of a risk" to them. I am good with money, NEVER miss a payment so this, tbf was a load of shit.

Anyway I eventually sorted myself out but it's been bloody hard, I slogged my way through uni as a single parent living in a little council house, 2 young kids and no money - I'm now working and earning an ok wage (£20k a year, which is good for someone like me )

My sister is now 18. Last year she was GIVEN £4k from her grandmother. She blew it ALL within months buying TOYS such as xboxs, macs, mac-books, i-phones etc = none of which she actually uses, she wanted to buy them because she had the money. This year she's been given another £7k from her grandfather. She's in the process of blowing that too buying more toys.

OK, my mum is nothing to do with that money, not her fault nobody ever gave me that when I was a teen but I can't help feeling a bit bitter even so.

Now what has really pissed me off is that a few months ago my mum was saying how my sister wanted a place of her own. She was at college at the time (well, on the odd occasion that she could actually be arsed to turn up) and had no job and no intention of getting a job. I said to my mum "oh? and how is she going to do that when she isn't working?" my mum said "she'd be able to with a guarantor". This obviously pissed me off because it was something they'd refused to do for me when I AM good with money yet they'd just watched my sister blow £5k+ on toys. I said "oh? you're ok with that now? only when I asked, you said no". She went a bit quiet and finally replied "oh no, we wouldn't do it, I was just saying she'd need to find one."

I've just found out that not only have they now signed papers to be her guarantor for a 3 BEDROOMED HOUSE IN A LOVELY, QUIET AND EXPENSIVE VILLAGE but they have also paid her month's rent in advance AND deposit and are no doubt preparing to pay something towards her rent each month. My mum has delibrately kept this from me, I've found out from another family member.

AIBU in being really, really fucked off about this?? I struggled on my own for 13 years and they KNEW I was struggling and did absolutely nothing to help yet sister gets it all handed to her on a plate.

Yes I'm in my 30s and probably should be more grown up about it but it is unreasonable of me NOT to want to be reasonable about this??

(It's not a case of different circumstances, when I asked for help they DID have money, probably more than they do now).

Maybe they didn't have the money 13 years ago - you'd just left home and they still ahd a child in the house. Now they are older, their own rent/mortgage will be smaller in real terms, perhaps they have a bit put by that they didn't have/couldn't afford 13 years ago.

Without going through the whole thread ..... if it's your SFs money and not your Mums - then that also may be why. Perhaps he didn't want to bail out someone elses kid.

YANBU

Fuck em

It's not about the money though
It's about wanting her mum to have recognised that she was a good enough person to be worth taking the risk of being her guarantor.

Are they good with your kids? Or will they ignore them in favour of your sister's children when she has some?

Frankly, I wouldn't go out of my way to keep in touch unless your dc value them and get attention and affection from them (you don't, do you?)

Perhaps he didn't want to bail out someone elses kid

He wasnt doing that though, he was asked to be a guarantor which is a different thing. And also, she is his step daughter not just "someone elses kid"!

THe lump sums aside as they are from the younger girls paternal GPs, there would be absolute uproar if a parent posted on here about doing what the OPs mum and SF have done, you treat all children of a family the same!

YANBU, it's very hurtful for you.

But you are the one your dcs can be so proud of, you have set a fantastic example for them with your hard work and how you have pulled yourself out of a bad situation into more stability. You have so much more to be proud of, and in the end she will have nothing, if she carries on relying on handouts and frittering them away.

You do need to let go of it however so that you can carry on without carrying around a load of bitterness that is counter-productive. Turn the negative feelings into positive by celebrating what you have achieved and not giving her or them too much thought - not worth it. :)

YANBU. However my personal experience is that your sister really isn't being done any favours in the long term by this treatment. I used to get annoyed by how much my brother was favoured over me. But now I am 46 I have a good life with a great partner, while my brother has never really achieved anything.

You have done brilliantly achieving what you have on your own. Your sister may never achieve anything.

IME it is really hard to get rid of the bitterness of having a parent who refuses to see you as having stepped outside the role you were cast in as a child.

I agree with Pagwatch word for word. YADNBU to be upset and hurt and angry. I would be livid, and so terribly terribly hurt. But your sister really is not being done any favours.

I would let your mum know that you know. Not angrily, but maybe expressing your sadness and disappointment.

TBH, I think you are incredible. Look at what you have achieved. Your sister is a mess, selfish profligate and isn't going to change any time soon.

Old Boots. Just wanted to say how proud you should be of yourself for achieving what you have. I am vaguely looking in to going back to uni and am a bit scared TBH and I only have one child!

YANBU to feel bitter about it, but you must rise above it and let it go.

Take a look at what you HAVE achieved and that's without any help and with children to care for too. You are a good role model for your children and you should feel proud.

Your sister on the other hand may have things handed to her on a plate, but what good will that do her. Not a lot I suspect.

You have every right to feel how you do, but don't let it eat you up. Get angry and move on.

That's really tough OldBoots. The root of it all is that you are probably feeing rejected and less loved by your mum compared to your step-sister and that is really hard. The thing is she probably does love you as much as your step-sister, but she sounds like a weak woman who tries to please others(esp. her husband) and hasn't been able to stand up for you when she needs to.
Maybe she sees you as the capable one and doesn't want to cause friction with her husband, so for an easy life she has treated you both unfairly.
Could you sit with her and say that, that it really not so much about the money, as her lack of support for you?
You sound like you have really made something of your life out of very difficult circumstances, so agree with the others, you should be proud of yourself!

Yanbu to be upset, OldBoots, about the guarantor business that is. You were using the lump sums to show how unreliable your sister is with money? You're not cheesed off about her getting the money, right?

But just think, if they had helped you, you would never have found out what a resilient, resourceful, extremely capable, diligent, intelligent and downright incredible person you are to a have achieved what you have. And that's only so far.

You did that all by yourself. So, sod off to your mother and her favouritism. You don't need her help anyway. Or anyone's for that matter. Isn't that a wonderful feeling?

Yanbu. At all.

But... You sound lovely AND you're doing really well FOR YOURSELF. So don't let it eat you up, just be soooooo proud of yourself and yank up your mumsnet judgey pants every time you think about your sister.

You know what? I bet your mum's dead proud of you too, and I bet your sis is jealous of your independence.

YANBU, what a horrible situation for you, and I would for the sake of my sanity letting my mother know that the double standard that she has participated in has cut you to the bone.

I am disgusted at some step-parents/re-married family dynamics. Your Step Dad sounds like mean little man.

A good friend of mine went through something similar and was kicked out at 16, lived in bedsits, was homeless for a while. Was horrific. Step-mum instigated it all and the dad just let it happen. They could not understand why everyone was giving them the could shoulder at the wedding.

YANBU. But as others have said, you have to try and let it go (easier said than done, I know).

Your sister is spoilt, your step-dad is mean and so are his family. When you marry someone who already has a child/children then you have to be prepared to love them as your own. If you can't do that you at least have to try your best to treat them well and not play obvious favourites.

That goes for his parents too. You became their step-grandchild and as such they could have been a little fairer to you. Better people would have made more effort to treat you the same.

Try to let it go. You've achieved so much and your sister and her reckless ways are going to give your mum and step-dad a run for their money in every sense. They've made a very expensive bed for themselves to lie on and I'm sure your mum realises how unfair she has been even if she can't stand up to your step-dad and say so.

Everyone is right that you should be bloody proud of yourself. And that you are entitled to be extremely pissed off.

Just hang onto the thought that you have achieved everything, your career, your new house and most of all your beautiful children, without a hand-out from anyone. And your children are off to a very good start with your example. What's your half-sister ever achieved?

I know exactly how you feel. YANBU. It's so hurtful.
The same thing has happened to me all my life from my family, it was little things when we were little, things like sofas and bikes when we were young adults and recently it was a gorgeous mansion - that was the last thing my parents bought for my sister.

Sorry I don't have any useful advice because it has eaten away at me for decades destroying my self-esteem and driving me mad. The only solution that works at all is to distance myself from them and try not to think about it. I'm watching this thread for better advice.

No, you definitely aren't being unreasonable at all. I would be HUGELY pissed off, very angry.

I am in a similar (very similar) situation to you. My (half) siblings are spoiled rotten by Mum and their Dad. They keep things from me all the time. Whenever I wonder how they've managed to buy expensive things on low incomes, it doesn't take me long to realise why.

Bugger not feeling bitter, you have absolutely every right to feel bitter. Just don't let it get in the way of your life, because it's so easily done.

I agree with other posters, maybe a little distance is needed (not suggesting for a second that you cut them off). You sound very strong, and you have achieved so much, you'll be fine without their support, financial or otherwise.

Also, it will be interesting to see how well your sister cares for her parents in their old age, because if I were you, I wouldn't be lifting a finger!

Your mum and stepfather have both behaved like dicks (sorry), and you have every right to feel upset, jealous and bitter. You deserve more from your mum.

It will really be better for your mental health though if you find some way not to dwell on it. Counselling might help. Think of all you have achieved, focus on your children.

I would also advise you to move hundreds of miles away and only ring at Christmas if possible, but I know it might not be practical!

I would agree with the pps, take a step back and distance yourself.

My friends dad and stepmum were like this up to her being cut out of his will. Now the stepmum is in need of help she complains my friend won't help. My friend points out to all who ask that the stepmum has 2 kids of her own and she never had the decency to treat my friend as part of the family so why should she bother. The last my friend heard the stepmum was selling her house to pay to in into sheltered housing because her kids refuse to help and the stepkids are complaining about losing their inheritance. My friend has very little sympathy as you can imagine and does point out to them that karma is a bitch.

YAsonotBU

Tell her how you feel, in a letter, read it, throw it away. Then think again about saying something. Its clear to you and to her they are being completely bias. Whats the point of talking about it, she won't tell you they have done this for your stepsister Just try to move on from it, accept that they will never see sense or offer a geniune apology, work through your anger here where their are supportive people. See your mother and step father as little as you can and build up a good group of supportive friends. Do you get anything from the relationship with them?

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh...have bitter experience myself, does it show? I spent years wanting acknowledgement and apologies for my sister and parents behaviour, still waiting...broke contact 5 years ago and now I could not give a monkey's. They lost, they kept on 'golden child' and lost the 'caring (stubborn and mean when not doing as they wanted) child'. I was the one they took it all out on when they could not control my sister. She got in debt, she spent a £15k inheritence (of grandads) on debt, I spent it on a house...still got it now invested. I was the one who was expected to look after them in their old age...and my sister. Now they have my sister...who does not give a monkey's so long as they financially support her and is bad tempered and rude to them. And now they cannot use me as a scapegoat for their feelings...they have to use each other which gives me some satisfaction. Now they know what it feels like to always be at the wrong side of the fence.

Anyway...yes, have a think about what they bring to you and your life. Some things are too big to get over and depriving you and gc of a step up in life having worked so hard...and then give it to someone at the other end of the spectrum...nice.

I don't think I couldn't have my say. I'd have to say something . . . and then distance myself.