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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

private v state primary - what to say?

81 replies

weejie · 10/04/2011 21:54

we have got the results of our primary applications in Herne Hill - we got none of all the schools we asked for.

we were offered a school our next door neighbour, who is a TA and worked there said 'I wouldn't send a dog there' (her quotes, not mine, but as she was looking to take time off through stress before moving schools I'll believe her)

so, we've gone private.

what's your arguments for the people who were lucky to get into a state school and are taking the smug moral high ground?

a - I'm doing the best for my child, why aren't you? (with a knowing chuckle to myself as this will drive them mental)

b - I'm being moral by giving my place in the local good school (which we would try to get in to on appeal but at least three others families are trying the same)

c - I should have gone to my local school on the non denominational places but I thought it less immoral to pay than to lie

d - fuck you

thoughts?

OP posts:
Vallhala · 11/04/2011 09:47

D - no question about it. :o

I was born and bred near Herne Hill in the days when the school in HH Rd was very well regarded and successful. I also know what the schools are like now... bloody good for you that you've put your child's education ahead of other people's opinions or any misplaced idea of the common good and equality.

WentworthMillerMad · 11/04/2011 10:02

Am so with smallwhitecat. This exact situation is me. Your real friends may not agree with your choice but they will support/make funny comments and move on, friendship still intact.
Acquaintances may not be so understanding but who cares! You may find you become closer to your friends, shed the aquaintances and make new friends at your new school.

sunnydelight · 11/04/2011 10:07

Never, ever feel you have to justify the decisions you make in the best interests of your children/family to others. One of the things I love about getting older is having the confidence to smile sweetly and say nothing while the argument rages around me.

looblylu · 11/04/2011 10:45

We had the exact same thing with my daughter, the local school was vile and our choice came down to that school or paying for her to go private.

I do find people tend to make assumptions that I'm sort of super rich snob because my daughter is in a private school (in reality I'm sat here in dire jogging bottoms, I shop in Iceland and I work as a phone monkey for a pizza place)
I get some bizarre hostile reactions from people I don't actually know (hairdressers/shop assistants etc) when they ask where my daughter is in school. In fact I go out of my way to not discuss it.

But when it comes down to it I know that I made the choice to do the right thing for my child and I don't really care what other people think about me for it.

Be happy that you are doing the best you can and let everybody else shove off and leave you alone :)

diabolo · 11/04/2011 10:56

MollieO - you're lucky. We were dropped like a proverbial hot cake by our "friends" when we sent DS private.

weejie, hopefully your friends are nicer than the people I used to know, but if not, you might have to grow a little bit of a thicker skin.

junkcollector · 11/04/2011 11:09

Lambeth need to get their act together. "Lucky to get into state school". It shouldn't be about luck should it ffs....

I live in SE London too and I would never get on the smug moral high ground if someone decided not to send their child to the rubbish primary that only had places cos noone wanted to send there children there and I'm a card carrying socialist.

Unfortunately though that school probably needs parents like you, who care and are willing to do anything to get their child educated properly and happily. That's no reason to send your child there of course.

JoanofArgos · 11/04/2011 11:20

you don't need option d - your actions say it anyway!

Original poster
weejie · 11/04/2011 11:26

Joanofargos... Option d off

OP posts:
JoanofArgos · 11/04/2011 11:30

fuck you off doesn't even make sense.

OP is obviously on the defensive about her decision, but it's silly to ask for the lines she can use on people who won't approve of her decision - if those people are against private education, they're not going to change their minds when she tells them she's actually being moral or whatever. So essentially, I think all she wants is to be vindicated in saying 'fuck you', which she has been, so good for her.

Honeybee79 · 11/04/2011 11:38

I don't see why you should be called upon to justify your choices and, if someone was to quiz you, why not just tell the truth?

Original poster
weejie · 11/04/2011 11:46

I know it made no sense but it made me laugh. Sadly your first snarky comment with no context or explanation is the kind of behaviour that has been pissing me off.

I started the thread as a Tongue in cheek way to let off steam, so well done for giving me someone to vent on.

OP posts:
JoanofArgos · 11/04/2011 11:49

But the thing is, just as I would never be convinced by your telling me you were doing the moral thing, you will never be convinced my my arguments that you absolutely aren't. And you clearly do want to tell everyone who thinks that way to fuck off, so fill your boots!

MollieO · 11/04/2011 11:50

That's awful diabolo. I do probably get more latitude being a single parent - most of my friends either don't work or work part time. They completely understand my choice re private because none if our stars schools offer much in the way of wraparound care - breakfast club at most and nothing after school. Ds's school does 7.30am to 6.30pm. When I looked at moving him recently (made redundant) our local state school said that mothers coe t their dcs at 3.15pm but they were sure I could organise a taxi to take my 6 yr old 5 miles to the nearest after school club!

Most of my friends would have chosen private if they could afford to (at least that is what theyve said to me). But then I don't have any friends who live in catchment for our best local school in our neighbouring village which apparently has the most expensive average property prices in the country (according to the Daily Telegraph). That school doesn't even offer a breakfast club as there is no demand.

MollieO · 11/04/2011 11:51

Stars should read local.

Original poster
weejie · 11/04/2011 12:09

What are you trying to convince me of Joan? All I've seen are some snarky remarks.

If it's the merits of state education, you are preaching to the converted. If it's of the wisdom of sending child to the worst school in the borough which has significant problems which would take far more than me sending a child there to solve, and which is also three miles from my house and is not part of my community, then go ahead

OP posts:
JoanofArgos · 11/04/2011 12:12

I'm not trying to convince you of anything.

Original poster
weejie · 11/04/2011 12:19

There was some hypothetical convincing going on around 11.49 from your end. More detail please. What is immoral from preventing child from having a miserable time?

OP posts:
pjmama · 11/04/2011 12:36

My DCs are in a private primary school. None of the schools we're in cachment for are any good and I couldn't risk applying for out of cachment schools and ending up with my twins being offered different ones (LA currently under no legal obligation to keep twins together when offering school places). I went private to take the stress and guesswork out of it. We're skint, but they're happy and it's nobody else's business. I know what you mean though, I always feel uncomfortable when asked what school they're at because people tend to like to make instant (usually wrong) assumptions about you. I just try to avoid the subject!

smallwhitecat · 11/04/2011 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

diabolo · 11/04/2011 12:50

People do make assumtions it's true.

I hardly ever mention where DS goes to school and hate being asked; for instance, if we're in a shop and it's his school holidays but not state school hols - people say things like "ooh -posh are you?"

WTF ?

It's just as bad on here.

WentworthMillerMad · 11/04/2011 13:05

Diabolo it's the same for me. Glasgow seems to be VERY anti private schools and I have had to grow a thick skin very quickly!
Moving to a posh suburb to buy an expensive house is ok, staying put and paying for private is not!
I also avoid talking about schools. Have had so many toddler group chats with strangers - it's going well until the topic comes up and the faces falls!

"I would not send my kids there if I could afford it" happens a
Lot!

smallwhitecat · 11/04/2011 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wordfactory · 11/04/2011 18:43

I was shocked by the strength of some of the reactions I got when we sent our DC to private school.

My extended family were the worst offenders and still make every visit and attempt to show me how much money I'm wasting. Sigh.

toeragsnotriches · 11/04/2011 18:55

Or there's another option which is 'At least I'm not taking up a place at an 'outstanding' school that could be given to a child from a really badly off background who is in need of the potential social mobility an education there could give them!' Grin

Or d. of course.

Good luck.

Helenagrace · 11/04/2011 18:57

We had some pretty strong reactions when we moved dd to a private school. The inlaws are still furious and have now changed their wills so that any money we inherit will be written in trust not to be spent on school fees - despite them both going to top public schools.

If I like the person who enquires I usually explain about dd's dyslexia and how she's helped by a small class size. There are a few people who have received less polite answers. One mummy bully was told "oh it's because I only want her to go to school with girls called Octavia and Seraphina and I'd be much happier with a better class of playground friends". Well she had been a nightmare competitive mother for three years!

I do avoid bringing up schooling as I'm aware it can provoke hostile reactions and people make assumptions about us.