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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with this

70 replies

Myinstincts · 09/04/2011 23:11

Have name changed.

My FIL is very touchy-feely with my 18 month old DD. He strokes her tummy, her back, face, legs, just everywhere and it makes me feel uncomfortable. He always feels the need to take her out of the room when we visit, when they visit or if we go out. He says stuff like "does DD want to go outside/upstairs with Grandad?". DH says he just wants to show her new stuff. He also keeps asking her for kisses and he kisses her on the mouth but I know that I personally don't like people kissing children on the mouth so that may just be my own bugbear.

I wonder if I'm over-reacting because I have had fallings out with him in the past and maybe I'm letting this cloud my judgement but on the other hand I feel that the fallings out have been excuses not to see him which were really down to this uncomfortable feeling I have about him.

Am I crazy?

OP posts:

washnomore · 09/04/2011 23:12

Probably not. No advice but gut feelings, especially when they're about your children and their wellbeing, shouldn't be ignored.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 23:18

It does sound a bit much from what I've seen of people with babies (apart from their parents).

But the crux of it is that you're her mum and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then you're within your rights to put any boundaries you want about him seeing her.

Does your DH know you feel like this about his dad?

If he doesn't, is there any way you can probe the subject if you don't think you can bring it up?

PaWithABra · 09/04/2011 23:20

fake curiosity to see the stuff he has to show her and go with them.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 23:22

Just from an outsiders POV, there could be innocent reasons for what you've said.

Maybe he just wants one on one time with her without feeling inhibited by anyone else?

I know my Dad likes to spend time with our DDs on his own, the atmosphere is different when the parents are about, but not in a horrible way he just likes to play/talk to them like another child - which they adore

With the touching, is he a tactile person generally?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 09/04/2011 23:26

It sounds like you're getting all stressed about someone being a loving grandad. I stroke the heads and feet of babies - it's automatic, I don't even realise I'm doing it half the time. I'm physically affectionate. Would you be so worried if it were your MIL?

As a mother though, however bizarre it might be, the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable would be enough for me to agree with Pa and suggest you go with them.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 09/04/2011 23:27

Sort of agree with Pa, but think you should fake curiosity and sneak to see. Without being obviously sneaking.

RedHeels · 10/04/2011 00:48

Is he an affectionate person in general? Although if you had falling outs with him, I'm taking a mental leap and guessing he isn't.

Kissing on the mouth between parents and babies it's not everyone's cup of tea and usually it's a definite 'no' for further family and friends, if only for the sake of not passing on any germs. I sometimes kiss DD on her lips but I barely touch her, it's just she's so sweet I don't mind kissing her dribble . My mother would never do it to my DD and if someone else did it I would say either jokingly: "Oh, no, it's reserved only for Mummy" or "Oi, don't do it!' depending on who it was. If it was a reoccurring situation I would not be so nice.

Not sure what to advise you, sorry, but if you're uncomfortable with something regarding your DD, then you need to either remove her from the situation (avoid FIL) or, risking awkwardness, don't pass her on to FIL when he's around. That's what I'd do.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 10/04/2011 06:43

Oh, that does sound strange but could be innocent. How does your MIL react when he is stroking your LO? Does she keep a beady eye on your FIL as if she knows it is dodgy, or are they a very touchy feely family?

At this stage just keep a good eye o. Your LO, and maybe be sneaky to see what they do if they are alone.

nectarina · 10/04/2011 06:46

I'd feel terribly uncomfortable with that - not sure what you could do though.

MarieFromStMoritz · 10/04/2011 07:24

and he kisses her on the mouth

Yuck, yuck, yuck!!! That is disgusting, he should not be doing that. Personally I don't think that anybody should kiss a child on the mouth - ever. It's far too intimate.

And no, you're not crazy. But you are right to question your judgement before you act.

Caz10 · 10/04/2011 07:29

Marie- not even their mum?!

MarieFromStMoritz · 10/04/2011 07:35

Caz10, that's a difficult one. I don't think so, but that is just my opinion. I think it is far too intimate. But - as I said - that is just my opinion.

FanjOeuForTheMammaries · 10/04/2011 07:35

My FIL is always tickling DD and taking her outside to show her stuff, I assumed that's just what Grandads do (have no worries about him whatsoever)

BeeMyBaby · 10/04/2011 07:38

I kiss my DD on her mouth, as does everyone in the family, but I know this was always the way when I was a child so I don't mind. I know in myself that it is completely innocent.

On the other hand, I later found out my mother had very uneasy feelings about my FIL, but didn't want to upset my father so never said anything - all I can say is she now wishes that she had said something - anything -and will regret staying quiet for the rest of her life.

Please never let him take her out the room from you.

onceamai · 10/04/2011 08:04

Sounds downright wrong to me. I would make sure that he is supervised at all times. What on earth can he need to show her upstairs. If they go outside it should be to look at flowers. Why on earth would a grandparent be stroking a child's back, tummy, legs, etc.. Mine might have got a kiss on the tummy when having their nappy changed - I was their mother. And I certainly didn't kiss my children on the lips. They often sat in my lap for hugs, very different from removing clothes to stroke tummies, backs and legs.

BelleDameSansMerci · 10/04/2011 08:09

Bee my mother also with her FIL...

I think if you feel uncomfortable that's enough for you to keep a close eye on things and for you to be present when your FIL is with your DD.

Our own experiences cloud our judgement, of course, but I would have no hesitation leaving DD with some people and won't with others. Just trust your instincts.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 10/04/2011 08:14

It is not something I would be happy with. Sounds like he is very full on and invasive. Keep a close eye, sneak upstairs to see what they are doing, surprise him iyswim.

All might be fine, but it is not worth taking the risk. Please come back and tell us if you need more advice. It is an awful position to be in.

BeeMyBaby · 10/04/2011 08:20

Belle yes, it may cloud our judgement, but I also think as you also said, perhaps our instincts are therefore 'better', we know the signs, however subtle, but we also know what is innocent.

I really don't understand why others are suggesting you just let him take her away upstairs and then try to sneak up on him - from my own experiences people intending to do 'bad' things are far too clever for that.

FanjOeuForTheMammaries · 10/04/2011 08:25

Surely if he was stroking her for inappropriate reasons he would be careful not to do so in front of you?

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 08:37

OP I really feel for you, what a horrible worry to have eating away at you. It is possible that your personal animosity towards FIL is clouding your judgement but I'm not sure that's the case. I think these are instincts you shouldn't ignore.

Your FIL may well just be besotted with his granddaughter and unaware that the way he touches her is a trifle OTT but it is not a risk worth taking - you know your FIL and his home better than anyone here so use whatever excuses/tactics you can to prevent him being alone with her.

If you feel unable to stop him taking her out of the room, can you take to "bursting in" on them with no warning after 30-60 seconds or something? That would maybe be a winner all round, hopefully it'll set your mind at rest as they will be looking at a ship in a bottle or something, or if there is something "not right" about the scene you will KNOW to go with your instincts and not to allow FIL any unsupervised access to DD.

Make the point with your DH, your PILs and the rest of your extended family and friends, that you are teaching DD she doesn't have to kiss/hug/touch ANYONE if she doesn't want to, and make sure you're consistent on that. If DD looks uncomfortable with FIL's touching tell him to back off and give her space.

I'm not sure about resources for teaching children that they own their bodies (mine is only tiny) but I'm sure other MNers with older kids/who teach will be able to recommend some good things.

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 08:44

Just to clarify - I am suggesting the OP "bursts in" on her FIL very quickly (and repeatedly) before he has a chance to "do anything". I'm not suggesting she waits to see if he's behaving inappropriately with her child. I also don't think that her mind should be put at rest if the situation is fine, obviously it could change. What I was thinking was burst in, shout "Wow! a model of Coventry Cathedral made out of milk bottle tops!" and either suggest taking the exciting thing to show DH or stay and ask questions (and pick DD up).

If there was an edit facility on here I would take out the words about that being a winner, I think the winner would be to maintain supervision of her FIL all the time. I would not let my DD go out of my sight with anyone I didn't trust.

WiiUnfit · 10/04/2011 08:50

OP I too really feel for you, what an awful situation to be in. :(

As others have said, allow him to take her to show her things and surprise him to see what he's up to? I'm hoping this will all be innocent for you. Do you know if he was this touchy-feeling with his own children? It might just be his way?

You can't be too careful with gut instincts like this but at the same time you need to be v.careful not to potentially really hurt an innocent Grandad. Thinking of you. :(

Xenia · 10/04/2011 09:06

Just follow him when he takes her out. It does sound a bit strange. Surprise him when he's taken her out so he knows he will never get time with her. Gut instincts are often right.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2011 09:07

Possibly a bit strange, what does your DH think?
But onceamai
" Why on earth would a grandparent be stroking a child's back, tummy, legs, etc.. Mine might have got a kiss on the tummy when having their nappy changed - I was their mother. And I certainly didn't kiss my children on the lips. They often sat in my lap for hugs, very different from removing clothes to stroke tummies, backs and legs"
I don't 'remove clothes', but I kiss my dgc on the tummy when I change nappies and I can't resist stroking legs and feet, or the back as they get sleepy.
That's what grandparents do
(Or is it only grandmothers that can do that these days?)

hairfullofsnakes · 10/04/2011 09:09

Follow your instincts and he should not be kissing her on the mouth - tell him in no uncertain terms that this is not on. I would not allow anyone other than my dc's dad and me to do this and it only happens really as our kids reach for our mouths although I do steer them to cheeks and if it happens it is a light peck. I do not agree with everyone kissing children on the mouth it is too intimate.

I would not be at all comfortable in your position with all the stroking - what does the Childs father say? Are you tog?

I don't like the sound of it all one bit - protect your child

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