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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with this

70 replies

Myinstincts · 09/04/2011 23:11

Have name changed.

My FIL is very touchy-feely with my 18 month old DD. He strokes her tummy, her back, face, legs, just everywhere and it makes me feel uncomfortable. He always feels the need to take her out of the room when we visit, when they visit or if we go out. He says stuff like "does DD want to go outside/upstairs with Grandad?". DH says he just wants to show her new stuff. He also keeps asking her for kisses and he kisses her on the mouth but I know that I personally don't like people kissing children on the mouth so that may just be my own bugbear.

I wonder if I'm over-reacting because I have had fallings out with him in the past and maybe I'm letting this cloud my judgement but on the other hand I feel that the fallings out have been excuses not to see him which were really down to this uncomfortable feeling I have about him.

Am I crazy?

OP posts:
washnomore · 10/04/2011 09:10

I've mulled this over and while I agree that a lot of what is described is probably perfectly innocent, I would feel the same - but then I'm not from a hugely physically affectionate family.

I think if your gut feeling is not good then I would firstly touch on this subject with your DH - no accusations, just casually mention that he's very physical and was he like that as a dad, and see what sort of response you get. Then gently explain that it's a bit alien to you and you'd feel more comfortable if it was toned down. You can say all this without any inference that he's behaving improperly.

Hopefully that would give you a platform to broach this with FIL (or even better get your DH to do it if he's receptive) diplomatically and without causing hurt if you can.

I know it's a minefield and it could blow up in your face but IMO the only way to actually deal with the issue at its root.

Newgolddream · 10/04/2011 09:14

Would you be as concerned if it was your childs Granny rather than Grandad? And what does your DH think?

MainlyMaynie · 10/04/2011 11:14

He's probably taking her outside because he sense you judging his, very likely entirely innocent, interactions with her. I don't like mouth kisses on babies or children, but lots of families do it. I think you're being unfair to him.

ReindeerBollocks · 10/04/2011 11:27

My mum does all the things described by the OP with my children. I can honestly say that I trust her implicitly with my children.

OP do you feel uncomfortable because they are not your own parents behaving this way? Do you think that you would feel differently if it was your dad acting this way - rather than FIL.

Either way, I would broach your concerns with your DH anyway. Maybe FIL was the same when your DH was little? If you remain uncomfortable, then definitely accompany the visits of DD and FIL.

ReindeerBollocks · 10/04/2011 11:30

I agree with Mainly's post too.

MarieFromStMoritz · 10/04/2011 12:27

I really (really) don't want to offend anybody by saying this, but...

As a little girl, it can't be very nice to be kissed on the lips by an old man.

LittlePickleHead · 10/04/2011 12:35

The lip kissing thing - I am suprised at how many people seem to find this unacceptable? Myself and DP kiss our 2yo DD on the lips when we say goodbye, and she will often ask her grandparents for a kiss.

It hadn't even crossed my mind to question it, but now I'm worried that we should be steering her away from this?

Makes me sad that something so lovely and innocent can be perceived so badly :(

RitaMorgan · 10/04/2011 12:40

Kissing on mouths and stroking/cuddling would be quite normal in my family. But, if something is making you feel uncomfortable I think you should listen to that.

bristolcities · 10/04/2011 12:43

Do you really think if something weird was going on he would be so openly affectionate?

I can't see a problem with a child being kissed on the lips, in fact I find it really odd when people offer young children their cheeks instead.

TheMonster · 10/04/2011 12:46

It's probably completely innocent, but if you're not happy with it, don't let it happen. I wouldn't be confortable with my FIL behaving like that.

bristolcities · 10/04/2011 12:47

How is a child kissing a close family member on the lips to intimate unless you make it so. It's a natural thing to do which is why as someone on this thread has said children do it. I'm really surprised by the reactions to this.

hairfullofsnakes · 10/04/2011 12:54

But Bristol, as adults how many people do we kiss on the lips? We don't kiss all and sundry on the lips do we? I personally do not want any close family members etc kissing my dc on the lips. They reach out to us as parents to kiss us on the lips sometimes or the cheek but I always steer them to the cheek with adults although they do kiss other children on the lips and that is completely fine.

confuddledDOTcom · 10/04/2011 13:23

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks there's nothing wrong with kissing on the lips! When those same lips were round my nipple earlier in the day how can I think a kiss is too intimate?

Yes, we don't kiss all and sundry on the lips but I do kiss my parents, grandparents and some aunts/ uncles like it, actually quite a few people in church who don't quite kiss on the lips but not quite on the cheek either.

I think it's hard to comment on the OP, it could be innocent (see The Five Love Languages, he could be PT and not see that others who aren't don't view it the same) or it could be that something more is going on, we don't have enough information and neither does Myinstincts. I think you need to either keep close eye on them, speak to other people (DH, MIL, any other relation is there another sibling with children maybe?) or speak to him. Unless you do you won't find your answers.

MarieFromStMoritz · 10/04/2011 13:29

I guess you could always secretly follow him when he takes her off somewhere. I think that's what I'd do. Maybe listen through the door for starters.

gorionine · 10/04/2011 13:39

It is a diificult one. I am in the camp of "gut instinct" should be followed.

MrsTittleMouse · 10/04/2011 13:43

What a dreadful situation! :(

Personally, I think that everything that you have described could be innocent, and that he is just a more tactile person than the people that you are used to in your family.

But if you have a gut feeling about him that makes you very uncomfortable, then I would never let him out of your sight. I had a bad feeling about someone when I was a child, and it turned out that I was right. :( I was so young I didn't even know what it was that made me so uncomfortable, and I was certainly never targetted myself, but I feel that the gut instinct is your subconcious screaming out to you to over-ride our normal reaction to be terribly polite and nice all the time.

JuicyLips · 10/04/2011 13:56

I dont like the sound of that. Just beware, any uneasyness and I would make sure that they aren't left alone until you are sure that it is all innocent. he I was abused my my grandfather when I was younger but never told anyone and ceased any contact with him myself (was 14 so able to do this) My family still dont know but mother has fallen out with him for other reasons and has stopped contact completely anyway. I wont let him near my children.

Rhinestone · 10/04/2011 14:07

Another one for gut instinct.

And remember, abusers groom the bystanders too as well as their victims. So by being overly affectionate right there in front of you, he could be setting up his reputation that that's just him, he is just a very affectionate Grandad. Plus of course it's innocent, otherwise he'd hardly be doing it in front of you would he. A sort of abusers' double bluff.

Could you coach your DD to ask Grandad to stop tickling her then that gives you the cover to publicly ask him to respect her boundaries?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/04/2011 14:08

Another one for gut instincts here, OP. If you're sure that your dislike of your FIL is not clouding your judgement then relying on your 'spidey senses' is right.

This thing that FIL is showing your DD, could it be brought downstairs so that you can all see it, or all go upstairs to see it?

There are degrees of abuse... my grandfather abused my mother, although it was dressed up as 'cuddling' and he used to grab me and pin me to his chest everytime he saw me - and burst in through my bedroom door. :(

It really spoilt our relationship - and mine with my mother's for a while.

Regarding the kissing on lips though, whilst I don't think anybody except a partner should do it, little kids do it all the time and perhaps it's a recent thing that people now kiss on cheeks?

CornishMade · 10/04/2011 14:12

OP you said "I have had fallings out with him in the past... ...I feel that the fallings out have been excuses not to see him which were really down to this uncomfortable feeling I have about him"

Do you mean that you had uncomfortable feelings about him before your dd was born? Or just since?

beanlet · 10/04/2011 14:17

Trust your gut instinct and do not allow them to be alone together. However, what you describe him doing in public doesn't to me ctoss the line, so rathef than cause a breach, just watch carefully. Perhaps, if it makes you uncomfortable, tell everyone (not just FIL) not to kiss DD on the lips for hygeine reasons.

But do not let them be alone together. You will never regret being slightly paranoid for no reason. You will never forgive yourself for not paying sufficient attention to your feeling of unease if something awful happens.

LindenLea · 10/04/2011 14:21

I've name-changed, too, for obvious reasons.
I was abused by my great grandfather for many years and, as soon as I read your post, it rang alarm bells. I was an adult when I finally told my mother everything and she said she'd never liked me going off with him, but just thought she was being silly.

Go with your instincts. Women have a 6th sense for a reason, although we often choose to ignore it. She's your little girl and you have a right to do whatever you need to do to protect her. Please don't let her alone with this man.

buggerlugs82 · 10/04/2011 14:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

bristolcities · 10/04/2011 14:37

But children do all sorts of things adults don't, sitting on laps, cuddles, sustained eye contact. None of that is wrong and neither is kissing on the lip unless you make it so. Btw I still kiss my mother on the lips and my younger sister and of course my son. For gods sake men in other countries kiss on lips and not in some sort of homo-erotic way.

beanlet · 10/04/2011 16:26

Her daughter, bristol. If OP doesn't like kissing children on the mouth, she doesn't like it, and she should be able to say "stop" to her ILs. I'm OK with it, but so what?