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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 month old dd had an accident when father was supposed to be watching her

81 replies

floppops · 09/04/2011 21:05

My 14 month old dd had a fall today. She is ok. Could have been bad though. She fell backwards down concrete stairs outside-about 4 foot drop. She has only a couple of bumps and a graze. We have had her checked out at hospital.
My ex p and I were outside. I was hanging washing up and unable to see them. He was supposed to be playing with her-I left them together on the grass away from the steps. I warned him not to let her near those steps. I heard him scream No and came running to find her in the bottom of the stairwell. So frightening. But she is ok thank god.
Am I unreasonable to see this as beyond a mistake? He said he wasn't watching just for a minute?! That is all it takes. He got really angry and abusive with me on the way back from the hospital when I couldn't believe how he let that happen. I feel like I shouldn't leave him alone with her again. He has never really looked after her alone for long before anyway as I am unsure he is capable. He has Bipolar and is untreated and often has hangovers and smokes cannabis ( sometimes?! ). He is now sending me emails and texts how sorry he is and how bad he feels and how he wants to be together. I just don't know how to deal with him.

OP posts:

Bringonthegoat · 09/04/2011 21:08

Accidents do happen. Having said that I would not allow him lone access until he addresses his MH issues.

belledechocchipcookie · 09/04/2011 21:08

Accidents happen. You can't wrap your child up in cotton wool and bubble wrap all of the time, there's nothing that anyone can do to stop them from happening. She will have accidents when you are caring for her as well, don't be too hard on him.

cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 21:11

i agree accidents happen.you cant watch them every second of every day

rubyslippers · 09/04/2011 21:11

My DD has bounced off a bed with me in the same room

Accidents do happen

However, leaving her with someone who is under the influence of cannabis is different issue

He also needs help for his mental health issues

cory · 09/04/2011 21:13

His other behaviour is worrying, but one accident doesn't really tell you a lot. Dd fell down a climbing frame and knocked herself out when I was looking after her- should dh have refused to leave her alone with me again? Chances are, next time your dd has an accident it will be when you are in charge.

Sassybeast · 09/04/2011 21:14

Agree that accidents can and do happen, but if one of the contributing factors was somone being hungover or having smoked cannabis, then it's natural to have concerns. Is he otherwise a good dad ? Is this the first time you've had concerns ?

squeakytoy · 09/04/2011 21:15

Whilst I agree accidents happen, allowing a 14mth old child near concrete steps is almost asking for an accident to happen... and she is very lucky not to have been more badly hurt.

You cant take your eyes of a baby for a minute when they are close to something dangerous.

While he is smoking drugs and drinking, you are right, he isnt fit to be left in charge of such a small child.

GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 21:15

ok,so by your reasoning,he should gain residency if she has an accidsent while in YOUR care???

GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 21:15

you'd be happy with that then?

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 21:17

I've got a 15 month old, and she really is into everything all the time, if you're not keeping an extremely close eye on her she's up to stuff before you can get across the room.

If she does have fall, whoever she's with, I'd never have a go at them because that'd be saying they did it on purpose.

I know you reminded him to keep her away from the steps and you say he has other issues, but I think you should accept his apology.

If you're not keen on your dad then that's separate, and the same with whether you let him babysit.

Please don't be too hard on him, ankle biters can be a bit tricky if you're not used to having them around 24 hours.

wigglesrock · 09/04/2011 21:17

When my dd2 was 14 months old she pulled a mug of hot tea down her. I had left the tea in the middle of the table where she couldn't reach it, she pulled at the strap of my handbag which in turn pulled the mug which spilled all over her. I was standing beside her when it happened, I will never forget the feeling of dread and guilt when I realised what had happened.

Accidents happen all the time and to be fair he didn't "let it happen" but if you are worried about other problems regarding his mental health or temper they are seperate issues.

RitaMorgan · 09/04/2011 21:19

Accidents do happen - but there are obviously wider concerns about untreated mental health issues and drug/alcohol abuse that would make me want to closely supervise them together.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 21:19

The OP didn't say he had a hangover or had been smoking while he was watching her DD.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 09/04/2011 21:21

We all make mistakes - DH left the stairgate open, allowing DS1 (20 months at the time) to cartwheel down the stairs and break his arm . He was devastated, and it was a genuine mistake - but he should have been more careful.

If you're concerned that the incident happened because of MH issues, hangover or cannabis, then that's one thing - but for a genuine mistake that he is mortified about, I'd say you should just chalk it up to experience and hope that he learns from the experience - I'm sure he will, he must have been shit-scared.

Glad your DD is OK .

A1980 · 09/04/2011 21:25

One time when I was 4, I was in the same room as my mum, standing on her bed.

She told me to get down and I jumped off spraining my ankle and and tumbling over after landing hard on my feet and hitting my head off a raidiator.

You sound surprised that a young child had an accident when in the care of a parent?!

Having said that, regarding these issues: " He has never really looked after her alone for long before anyway as I am unsure he is capable. He has Bipolar and is untreated and often has hangovers and smokes cannabis ( sometimes?! )"

If you doubt his ability to care for her, perhaps you ought to supervise every minute of contact if it would make you feel better.

exhausted2011 · 09/04/2011 21:28

can't possibly imagine the point of giving him a hard time about this. Why, as a human being would you want someone to feel worse about a horrible accident. These things do happen, could you put yourself in his shoes for a second? You must be horribly upset but blaming him is not going to make it better.
He obviously has issues but I think this isn't necessarily related

borderslass · 09/04/2011 21:30

DD1 broke her leg in 2 places at 2 and a half still remember the date [she's 19] her dad had taken her out to the park to give me a 'break' as I was pregnant with DS.He beat himself up about it but accidents happen.

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 21:31

DS fell down a flight of stairs when his hand slipped out of my Mum's hand at the top of them, when he was 19 months. Needed stitches on his head where he hit the radiator at the bottom of the stairs.

I felt a couple of seconds white hot anger, but thankfully didnt share them with my poor Mum. That was four years ago and she still doesnt like walking down the stairs with any of her grandchildren

Dont be too harsh on him, he must feel guilty and upset enough without any other pressure. Why does he have to apologise to you? I wouldnt apologise to my ex-H if one of the DC had an accident in my care.

Original poster

floppops · 09/04/2011 21:44

I know that toddlers are accidents waiting to happen and she has had a couple of small accidents whilst in my care and a couple in his care. It felt different this time as it was such a dangerous place to stop watching her.
My concern is really because of his mental health. He has trouble concentrating on one thing at a time and loses focus easily I think because of his bipolar.
He was hungover today and I don't know if he had had a smoke. He doesn't tell me.
What if he stopped watching her just for a minute near a road? I know you say we all stop watching them sometimes and accidents happen but I hope I would not let her out of my sight near such dangerous places.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 21:46

I've just re-read the OP and realised it's her ex-P, not her dad as I read it.

I'd still say the same though.

NinkyNonker · 09/04/2011 21:49

Accidents happen. My 8 month old DD has a little sunburn from the other day, i have been breating myself ever since.

NinkyNonker · 09/04/2011 21:49

berating

JaxTellersOldLady · 09/04/2011 21:55

Would you still feel as strongly about the accident if he wasnt your EX P? Or would it have been a case of accidents happen?

How does he know he has bipolar if it is untreated, is it undiagnosed? It could be severe paranoia due to his smoking/drinking habit.

I wouldnt let him anywhere near my DC if he was stoned on a regular basis.

ninky I quite like a good breating.

Original poster

floppops · 09/04/2011 22:02

He has been diagnosed as Bipolar. They have said he needs to stop smoking cannabis before they can treat him. He has been trying to stop for over a year now.
I accept accidents happen as I said in last post but where can you draw the line?
He has always been unstable emotionally and I have always been unsure whether to leave DD with him alone. I wish I felt confident so I could. I don't want him to feel worse then he does already. But I want to keep DD safe and I also find his verbal abuse upsetting and worry what effect that has on DD.

OP posts:

Bringonthegoat · 09/04/2011 22:07

Until he sorts himself out he is not a safe or appropriate carer for your child. End of.

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