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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 month old dd had an accident when father was supposed to be watching her

81 replies

floppops · 09/04/2011 21:05

My 14 month old dd had a fall today. She is ok. Could have been bad though. She fell backwards down concrete stairs outside-about 4 foot drop. She has only a couple of bumps and a graze. We have had her checked out at hospital.
My ex p and I were outside. I was hanging washing up and unable to see them. He was supposed to be playing with her-I left them together on the grass away from the steps. I warned him not to let her near those steps. I heard him scream No and came running to find her in the bottom of the stairwell. So frightening. But she is ok thank god.
Am I unreasonable to see this as beyond a mistake? He said he wasn't watching just for a minute?! That is all it takes. He got really angry and abusive with me on the way back from the hospital when I couldn't believe how he let that happen. I feel like I shouldn't leave him alone with her again. He has never really looked after her alone for long before anyway as I am unsure he is capable. He has Bipolar and is untreated and often has hangovers and smokes cannabis ( sometimes?! ). He is now sending me emails and texts how sorry he is and how bad he feels and how he wants to be together. I just don't know how to deal with him.

OP posts:

WidowWadman · 09/04/2011 22:09

My daughter managed to pull a side table plus TV onto herself when i was about a couple of metres away from her. Thankfully she was alright. Accidents happen, that's why they're called "accident".

ballstoit · 09/04/2011 22:11

Why was he abusive towards you? And how did he explain his lapse in concentration?

kslatts · 09/04/2011 22:16

I agree that accidents do happen and he obviously feels bad about it, I don't really understand how making him feel worse is going to help the situation. But you obviously have other concerns that need to be addresseed.

girliefriend · 09/04/2011 22:22

I think between a yr and 18mo my dd had a permenant bump somewhere on her head, its just that age where they know no fear, have mastered mobilty but not sense or the ability to put their arms out to stop themselves bumping into something (like the floor!!!)

However it sounds like there are other concerns but on the basis of one accident YAB a bit UR.

Original poster

floppops · 09/04/2011 22:23

I wasn't trying to make him feel worse. I was trying to understand what had happened to make him stop watching her.
His explanation was that he thought she was ok somewhere behind him.
He is often verbally abusive-one of the main reasons we split. He lashes out at me when he feels bad. It can be very dramatic. We split up after Xmas when I finally had enough when he screamed at me in front of DD and slammed a door next to where she sat on the floor for being a selfish fucking bitch for not waking him on Xmas Day when our DD woke up at 5.30am. It often doesn't make sense.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 09/04/2011 22:46

accidents happen. end of.

bigger issues - why is he round at your place visitng with DD?

are you supervising contact at your place?

does he see DD outside your place?
do you let him take her off on his own?

are you together or not?

Original poster

floppops · 10/04/2011 06:56

We have been separated since xmas and I am finding hard to know what contact to arrange. He doesn't accept we aren't together. He thinks of my place as his too still-I am in the process of finding a new place to move to to solve that.
Shouldn't he visit DD at my place? Seems best for her to be in her own environment. He only ever takes her for walks in the park on his own and not often.
When I do move soon I am unsure of how much time to agree to visiting with DD.
At the moment he comes over before he goes to work most mornings and comes round all day on Saturday and Sunday. It is too much but he says he has a right to see her as often as he wants. When I move I doubt he will be able to come round in the mornings but I am unsure of what to do with the weekends? What is a reasonable amount of contact?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 10/04/2011 07:20

Not that

MrsVidic · 10/04/2011 07:25

Are you upset because he shouted at you when you were blaming him or are you upset that she had an accident in his presence? I must admit that if my Dp had a go at me for my dd having sn accident I'd shout at him, it's horrific when they hurt themselves on your watch and someone sticking the knife in doesn't help.

In my oppinion you are in grave danger of using your child as an emotional wipping tool to hurt your ex p. This would be very disruptive for everyone concerned and traumatic for your dc

ScarlettWalking · 10/04/2011 07:25

It sounds like there is an instict telling you he is not capable of taking care of a 14 m old baby who really needs that kind of hovering, constant monitoring care. I would trust those instincts. From what you say about his reaction to the fall I agree with you. Also you say you told him specifically to stay away from the stairs. He doesn't sound like he is trustworthy at all.

spidookly · 10/04/2011 07:37

I think you are right to have concerns about his ability to look after her. Not because of the accident, but his untreated mh problems, heavy drinking and cannabis use.

You really can't take your eyes off them for a second at that age - they have NO cop on, and the world is an exciting obstacle course (I also have 14 month old :) )

As regards access etc, is there an organisation that deals with bi-polar that could offer some advice here? Obviously you want them to have. Good relationship, but you also have to consider your DD's safety. It's an invidious position, you need to be armed with as much info as you can.

Last of all - does she know how to go up and down steps safely? It's worth teaching her if not, for the inevitable moments of "NOOOO". At least if there's a fighting chance she'll negotiate the steps the right way falls should be less likely.

Missingfriendsandsad · 10/04/2011 08:01

oh for god's sake - you yell at him like the child is yours, and not his, and forget that he will be feeling bad too, tnot to mention now feeling like a scolded child for something that could be inattention then are surprised that he gets annoyed and tries to equal up the balance and yells at you??

Then you try to rack up something that just happens to him being undiagnosed bipolar' and then use 'he sometimes smokes cannabis' to try to get us all to join in against him!

What is frightening is that you say 'undiagnosed bipolar' which sounds very much like you have decided he is bipolar, but the professionals haven't - a dangerous thing to do - try to imagine that he is on a chat board saying ' My ex is highly emotionally abusive a terrible thing happened recently to our daughter that shocked us both, but she put the whole blame on me, told me off as if I was a little boy and they went on and on about it in front of our child, which is bound to affect how my child sees me - as someone who deliberately set out to harm her. I lost my temper at this and told her where to go, no she is telling all her friends I am abusive, mental and a drug addict'

Original poster

floppops · 10/04/2011 08:25

missingfriendsandsad why do you think I yelled at him?
Why do you think he is undiagnosed?
He was diagnosed last year as dual diagnosis bipolar.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 10/04/2011 08:42

I would be actively encouraging a 14mo to learn to use the steps. We had similar sized stone steps when DS was little and I made sure he could use them from about 10 month.
Not sure how to judge the situation with your ex though.

zest01 · 10/04/2011 09:01

We have 5 kids and one thing we have learned is that accidents will happen, even when you are watching them. When something happens because you have taken your eye off for a second you feel bad enough, nothing you can say is going to make him feel any worse than he already does.

If you had other concerns then you should be addressing those separately, rather than waiting for an unrelated accident to happen and using that as an excuse. If you had those concerns, why did you let him watch her in the first place?

Address the other issues by all means but treat the accident for what it is - a simpe accident

tazmosis · 10/04/2011 09:06

OP - I do think that you are right to be concerned. If he has been diagnosed and this diagnosis included advise to stop smoking cannabis then it is a matter of record. I would talk to a solicitor and see if you can ensure that his access is always supervised. But before you do this, can you sit down with him and calmly share your concerns? Even if he shouts at the time, it seems from your post that he does think about things after he has lost his temper - as clearly the ideal outcome of this is for him to receive treatment for his MH problem and be able to look after his DD - it seems from your posts that he loves her very much and really wants to keep in contact and that can only be positive for your DD. Losing contact with a parent can have a life long negative impact on a child.

Re this particular incident - I do think you're being a little bit harsh and you shouldn't have blamed him. I dislocated DD1's elbow lifting her over a bench with her arms when she was about 18 months - I felt horribly horribly guilty, if my DH has blamed me too it would have been unbearable.

welshdeb · 10/04/2011 09:06

The OP has said he IS DIAGNOSED bipolar but UNTREATED due to cannabis use.

Original poster

floppops · 10/04/2011 09:07

Yes I am trying to teach her how to use stairs but on this occasion she stepped backwards into them without seeing they were there. She is very quick and into everything so it is hard to keep her safe. I will treat this as an accident and appreciate your responses. And I appreciate I shouldn't have let him watch her alone near those stairs in the first place.
The verbal abuse is a separate issue.

OP posts:

tazmosis · 10/04/2011 09:08

And Missingfriends you really should read the whole thread before you wade in so aggressively...

Original poster

floppops · 10/04/2011 09:11

tazmosis I agree it would be awful for DD not to have contact with her father and I would try my hardest to never let that happen. But I am not sure it is best for us all that he is with us all weekend and every morning. I am not sure what is the right amount of time they should have together.

OP posts:

ballstoit · 10/04/2011 09:31

Well, it might be great for him to spend this amount of time with her but for her, although good that she's having lots of time with her father, it will be very confusing. If you are not going to be together, then she needs to be able to see you seperately. Ideally, her dad would get sorted, stop smoking cannabis and get treatment for his MH problems. However, if he's not going to do that I think he (and you) need to be thinking about how he can have contact and a relationship with DD while making sure she is safe.

Are there family or friends who would be around for contact? If not, I guess the next step would be to look at contact centres, but it's important to bear in mind that if he attends regularly and cares for her well, the next step would be unsupervised.

I think this is a complex and difficult situation and hope you can get professional advice, perhaps from his MH team or your GP but if not from a solicitor about how you should best move forward.

Cat98 · 10/04/2011 09:42

With regards to the accident, it is worth reading 'letting go as children grow' by deborah jackson.. She advocates allowing a child to explore, without jumping in and rescuing them at every opportunity - allowing them freedom to learn to climb things etc. It might sound dangerous but honestly, we used this approach with ds and he has had probably less accidents than friends children who are watched and helicoptered every second, because when they are not there for a minute their children have no idea of their own limits. Having said that, your other issues would concern me. But I think regarding this specific incident you are bu.

Original poster

floppops · 10/04/2011 09:43

Yes I guess we do need to think about DD seeing her father separately. But he does not want to be with her on his own. My health visitor advised me to perhaps be in the other room when they are together but that is hard as she comes looking for me. I have encouraged him to take her to dads groups and softplay but he says he doesn't like going on his own and she misses me? It is a really difficult situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

floppops · 10/04/2011 09:49

Cat98 that does sound dangerous. I agree you should let them explore and fall or bump things to learn not to next time but falling down concrete steps I think is too much of a lesson! I allow her a lot of freedom and as a result she is one of the most confident children I know.
My mum is always picking her up and gets upset if she hits her head on the table. But I let her do that as she now is learning to duck! It is a rounded wooden table-she never gets more than a little bump.
But you still have to stop them getting really hurt at this age and certain situations are just not safe for them to explore.

OP posts:

FAB5 · 10/04/2011 09:56

For me there are 2 separate issues. The accident and his MH issues.

It was an accident as he didn't push her down the stairs but it was a preventable accident, especially as you warned him not to let her go near the stairs.

He needs to see a GP as you can't know if he is bipolar without a diagnosis and he needs medication for it if he is. He also needs to stop smoking drugs. That would be enough for me not to let him have access to my dd tbh.

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