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AIBU?

14 month old dd had an accident when father was supposed to be watching her

81 replies

floppops · 09/04/2011 21:05

My 14 month old dd had a fall today. She is ok. Could have been bad though. She fell backwards down concrete stairs outside-about 4 foot drop. She has only a couple of bumps and a graze. We have had her checked out at hospital.
My ex p and I were outside. I was hanging washing up and unable to see them. He was supposed to be playing with her-I left them together on the grass away from the steps. I warned him not to let her near those steps. I heard him scream No and came running to find her in the bottom of the stairwell. So frightening. But she is ok thank god.
Am I unreasonable to see this as beyond a mistake? He said he wasn't watching just for a minute?! That is all it takes. He got really angry and abusive with me on the way back from the hospital when I couldn't believe how he let that happen. I feel like I shouldn't leave him alone with her again. He has never really looked after her alone for long before anyway as I am unsure he is capable. He has Bipolar and is untreated and often has hangovers and smokes cannabis ( sometimes?! ). He is now sending me emails and texts how sorry he is and how bad he feels and how he wants to be together. I just don't know how to deal with him.

OP posts:

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floppops · 10/04/2011 10:05

He has seen his GP and he is diagnosed-has been since last year. He isn't receiving treatment as he hasn't stopped smoking cannabis and drinking.

OP posts:

Cat98 · 10/04/2011 10:08

It is worth reading the book before making a judgement tbh, but I agree it depends on the situation. If the steps were really steep then I would have let ds climb them but I would have stood behind, ready to catch him if he did fall. Depends on how much the could actually hurt themselves for me. My mum is like that too btw.

floppops · 10/04/2011 10:18

Yes I think I will start letting her try climbing stairs on her own more now -standing behind her though. She just runs all the time and goes so quickly about everything-it can be quite frightening.

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chipmonkey · 10/04/2011 10:24

Jeez, can people read the thread! OP has said more than once that he has been diagnosed as bipolar.

floppop, accidents can and do happen and will happen on your watch too!

However the main issue you face is your ex''s ability to look after your child at all. Yes, a responsible adult has a right to see his child. But he isn't being responsible, he is smoking weed and drinking and not being treated for MH issues. I would say if he has her, he needs to be supervised as much as she does.

If he was concerned about being a good Dad, wouldn't he give up weed? I think you need to lay down some boundaries.

floppops · 10/04/2011 10:30

Yes I agree. I have pushed him to stop smoking and to receive treatment for his bipolar. I can't force him to stop and I would rather he has contact with DD. I guess that means I have to always supervise. I can't think of what boundaries to set that he will respect?

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tazmosis · 10/04/2011 10:34

floppops I agree having him at your home all weekend and every day isn't right and can't work long term - particularly if he is refusing to accept the split. You really need to work with him so he's able to see DD on his own and supervise her appropriately. Easy said I know but not so easily done and a really horrible situation for you. I have a friend in a similar position and unfortunately there isn't an easy answer.

balia · 10/04/2011 10:52

I think the lack of empathy and discrimination towards people with MH issues on this thread is quite staggering, TBH. Some people seem to be suggesting that having MH issues automatically means you can't be trusted to look after your own children! FWIW, I think it is highly unlikely that this man has been told he can't have any treatment until he gives up weed and alcohol(although he may have told OP this, of course) as that would be incredibly irresponsible of his healthcare provider. There are non-drug treatments he could have. He may be refusing them; it is hard for anyone to come to terms with being diagnosed with any MH disorder, and for those with bipolar it is particularly hard, as the manic phases make them feel amazing. Having said that, bipolar is not a constant thing, there can be a massive variation in severity and frequency of episodes. The fact he is holding down a job indicates that he is managing the condition pretty well.

OP, I think you have had a horrible shock and understandably, this has led you to question a situation that you already found difficult. As many others have said, kids have accidents. My DSS once broke his arm in the care of his mother (who incidentally has MH issues and smokes and drinks) but that doesn't mean she isn't a good enough parent. I would use this as an opportunity to move forward and start a dialogue about contact - perhaps mediation would be an option? Or use a parenting plan? I also think it would be a great idea to get as informed as you can about bipolar - it really doesn't automatically rule out unsupervised contact.

blackeyedsusan · 10/04/2011 11:06

I think it is probably understandable that you both had words after the accident. you ought to apologise to each other and discuss it again calmly. explain to him that he needs to be between her and the steps and that she could go down them backwards if he is in catching position.

there are accidents, and accidents that are waiting to happen and have been warned about. It is difficult to know what was going on without seeing it.

canabis and drinking are concerns. the mental health issues are a concern if he is not taking it seriously/ getting treatment. you need to find out all you can about the condition generally and recommendations for contact. maybe going through a contact centre will focus his mind on his issues and he might get his act together and stop the canabis/over drinking and get treatment.

Have you got formal residence yet?

FAB5 · 10/04/2011 12:29

Calm down chpmonkey . I made a mistake, I read it as non diagnoses bipolar.

FAB5 · 10/04/2011 12:30

diagnosed, not diagnoses.

floppops · 10/04/2011 15:53

I don't have formal residency. We don't have any formal arrangements. It is very hard to talk to ex p about anything as he gets either very distressed or angry immediately.
I have researched both addiction and bipolar and dual diagnosis bipolar. He refuses to go to a support group or NA that were recommended by GP. He says it is not for him.
Social services have said to me 'off the record' that if something happened to DD whilst in his care and he was stoned they would immediately get involved.
I don't think he was stoned when the accident happened but he could have smoked a spliff early in the day-I just don't know. It is a fairly serious situation. I want to be able to leave DD with her dad so they can be secure alone together but at the same time I have concerns.

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OliPolly · 10/04/2011 16:08

Hang on a minute - was the post about his illness or was the post about you being angry at him for 'letting' the accident happen?

In any case, YABU for blaming the accident on him.

floppops · 10/04/2011 16:12

They are related in a way as I am questioning his ability to focus on watching DD. And the reason I question his ability is partly due to his MH and addiction problems.

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PlopPlopPing · 10/04/2011 16:30

He must have felt awful about the accident and must have made him feel so much worse that you had a go at him on the way from hospital. I'm not suprised he got upset.

Maybe you should have a talk with him (once things have calmed down) and tell him you are concerned that he isn't getting treatment and about the smoking. Say you want him to have a good relationship with his daughter and that you think sorting these two issues out would help that.

I know someone with Bipolar and she doesn't take any medication for it so maybe it's not always neccessary anyway. (don't know enough about it to say)

jellybeans · 10/04/2011 16:33

My DH has done simelar but DC have fallen etc. with me in charge aswell. YANBU to think and feel like that but in reality we have no choice and can only hope they watch them better next time.

floppops · 10/04/2011 16:35

I can't understand why so many of you think I had a go at him? I never said that. I CALMLY said I couldn't understand why he stopped watching her.
What makes you think I haven't expressed my concerns about his treatment and smoking a million times with no effect?
Yes it is possible to not have medication but I can tell you for certain that taking drugs and drinking heavily makes it worse not better and not getting any support from either a professional individual or a support group is not a good idea.

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PlopPlopPing · 10/04/2011 16:41

You said to him (according to you) that "I couldn't believe how he let that happen". That's the same thing as having a go. By then it was dealth with and your DD was fine so you didn't need to go on about it, make him feel worse and dig the knife in.

I was of the opinion that people with BP often drink because of the illness.

floppops · 10/04/2011 16:59

It is not in my opinion having a go.It is not the same as screaming at me that he wished he had never had a child with me which was just part of the long stream of abuse I received.
I'm not sure what you mean by saying people with BP often drink because of the illness. Addiction occurs across the board and yes MH and addiction issues often overlap. Drinking and taking drugs does not help his MH. I have been with him when he gave up smoking cannabis as we were abroad for a few months and his MH was much better.

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tazmosis · 10/04/2011 18:24

Balia I have empathy with lots of different people with lots of different types of problems and illnesses but if there was the tiniest chance that a person may harm one of my DD's through neglect I'm afraid protection of my child would come first every time.

grubly · 10/04/2011 19:51

what Balia said.

PlopPlopPing · 11/04/2011 19:56

I'm not sure what I meant either to be honest !

AllDirections · 11/04/2011 21:20

What tazmosis said

Yes accidents happen but this one shouldn't have happened at all.

sunshineandbooks · 11/04/2011 21:41

TBH I think the bipolar (unless he obviously needs sectioning or something) is irrelevant to this, as is cannabis (unless he's clearly under the influence while DD is in his care). The accident is something that could have happened to anyone. Even the best parents can be distracted and preoccupied on any given day to let something like this happen.

However, I would be insisting on supervised contact with a third party however for completely different reasons. OP has stated several times that XP seems unable to let go of the past relationship and that he is frequently abusive towards her while DD is present. Two red flags there. In conjunction with inattentive behaviour and raging hangovers when he does have contact, he's hardly trying to be a decent parent and seems to be using contact mainly as an opportunity to hang on to the relationship and indulge playing happy families. Having supervised contact with a third party will separate the past relationship between OP and her XP from his relationship with their DD. He will either rise to the challenge or not.

porcamiseria · 11/04/2011 21:49

another to say accidents happen, give him a break

madwomanintheattic · 11/04/2011 21:56

ds1 fell down the concrete steps into the basement at about 10 mos. on my watch. don't think the stair gate was closed/ properly. as sunshine said, in this instance i don't think cannabis use, alcohol, or mh issues can be blamed, and nor should they be. he lost concentraiton, like we all do. usually we are lucky, and manage to grab the hot cup of coffee/ catch the toddler before they hurtle through the plate glass window/ catch the buggy before it hits the ground because we forgot we hung the shopping bags on it/ manage to stop them eating worms/ cat shit. but sometimes, as parents, we don't.

the accident is completely separate to your ongoing (and much more serious) issue of how to arrange contact for dd with your xp. that is what you should be focusing on. not her falling down steps because he looked the other way for a minute. forget the accident (there will be many more, some on your watch) and get yourself sorted with respect to access and custody. much more beneficial.

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