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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel unusual as a Mum in her mid 20s?

88 replies

Youngymummy · 08/04/2011 21:12

I am in my mid 20s, with one toddler DD. I am educated, married, own a house etc. All the Mums I know are either much older (35ish) or much younger (18ish) than me.

Am I really so rare - or are there lots of Mums in their 20s out there somewhere? AIBU to feel so unusual?

OP posts:

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 09/04/2011 06:59

Depends where you live I guess. I had DD at 20 (a much wanted planned baby) and felt really unusual. I was put in a group for new mums and was the youngest by 10 years. There was also a group for teen mums which I was too old for.

I didn't mind this gap at all though, even as a young teen I've always got on well with people older than me and nobody seemed to think "oh she's young and does not fit in" etc.

I'm 24 now and moved towns, and have a DS too. Only one of my mum friends is my age, everyone else is 30+, some in early 40s, and age is just irrelevant really.

washngo · 09/04/2011 07:08

Probably depends where you live. I had ds at 25 and dd at 26 and I quite often get "you're their nanny aren't you?" All but two of my mum friends are around 10 years older. Also none of my school or uni friends are even considering babies and some have been frankly crap at understanding ("oh, so you won't be able to come on my hen weekend when your baby is 2 weeks old??"). But I am hoping very much to be useful when they do have babies! I'm also planning another when I'm 29 or so and hoping some of them might be having their first by then...

MrsChemist · 09/04/2011 07:39

I'm sure I read somewhere that if you went to uni, you were more likely to start your family later, which does reflect my experiences.

None of my uni friends have children or have any intention to start soon. Also, out of about 100 girls in my year at school (all but 2-3 went to uni) I'm only the second one to have children.

It does feel a bit lonely being the only one of my friends to have had children, but they all love DS. I do find playgroups a bit cliquey as well, but I don't go for me, I go for DS.

LadyOfTheManor · 09/04/2011 07:46

OP I'm with you. I'm 24, educated, married, home owner etc.

I have a 13 month yo ds and am pregnant with dc2. All of my friends are either a bit older (my best friend is 27) or a bit younger. Either which way I only have 2 who are married, only a few went to university and I think we're the only home owners.

You can learn from people, old and young. However, I won't go to a toddler group near to where I live as I just know it will be full of 16 year olds cradling their eighth child.

Original poster

Youngymummy · 09/04/2011 08:20

Hi all, thanks for the replies. Should clarify that I definitely don't think 35 is old - just older than me! Also I am friends with Mums of all ages, and enjoy that - just sometimes am aware that I'm the only one of my age. Also, as others have said, none of my friends (pre-baby) are having kids yet. But good to know I'm not alone :)

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 09/04/2011 08:30

I think that it must be a nice age to be a mother. I was surprised as an older one to find myself in the majority.

PinkIsMyFavouriteCrayon · 09/04/2011 08:32

Hi youngmummy, I had DD at 24 and definately felt like you did! I was very lucky both my best friend and my sister in law both had babies in the same year and are the same age as me, so I didn't feel quite so alone. But out of the three of us I was the only one brave enough to go to baby group, as there was a huge difference in age. I made a slight mistake with the first baby group, went to a one just down the road in a very well off area and most of the mums were 35+ and quite shocked at my age, and made several assumptions about my background (imagine their surpirse when I tell them yes, I'm university educated, yes I'm married, yes I own my own home, no I did not grow up in this estate, actually the much posher and more exclusive estate a few miles away so ner ner!)
It was hurtful as I have never had problems talking to someone of any age and finding common ground, but I think these were a bad lot and gave older mums a bad name.

PinkIsMyFavouriteCrayon · 09/04/2011 08:33

I rambled, sorry

exoticfruits · 09/04/2011 08:52

It was an interesting ramble Pink and just shows how things have changed when people make that sort of assumption-and rather sad.

LiegeAndLief · 09/04/2011 09:02

Where I live, it is definitely unusual. I had dc1 at 27. The mw booking me in commented on how unusual this was, and how most mothers she saw were in their teens or thirties. All my friends I have made through my dcs are at least 5-10 years older than me.

I was married, owned own house, had degree and decent job etc. I think I was just lucky that I met someone I wanted to marry and have kids with early on (and he felt the same!).

LiegeAndLief · 09/04/2011 09:03

Oh, and my friends from school/uni are only just starting to get married and have babies now - my oldest dc is at school!

poppy283 · 09/04/2011 10:20

I had dd at 24, I'm 25 now and have been really surprised by the ammount of people who assume I'm a teenage mum - I don't mind that they think I look young, that's a compliment, it's the assumptions they must make about me and about dd, that she wasn't planned etc (she was). Like other posters I've been with dp for nearly 8 years now, I have a degree and pgcert. I don't have a problem being friends with older or younger mums (I never ask actually as I would feel rude!) I love my new mum friends :)

borderslass · 09/04/2011 10:29

I had DD1 at 20 DS at 23 and DD2 at 24 I would of said most of the other mums where the same age group at the time.
I'm now 40 and haven't a clue how mums who have kids in their mid 30's cope as I wouldn't have the energy.

noodle69 · 09/04/2011 10:56

My husband and I were also married narly 4 years when our daughter was born at 23. We also had both been to uni, been in the forces and had our own mortgaged place for 6 years

washnomore · 09/04/2011 10:59

YANBU, I felt the same when I had DS. Now I've had DD and hit 30 I feel a bit less like a sore thumb but for me I was definitely in a minority before now. Other mums were either much older than me or much, much younger, and it was really tough to find things in common beyond the baby stuff.

NinkyNonker · 09/04/2011 11:52

Hmm, not sure. My instinct is Yabu, but then when I had dd at late 20ies I am actually the youngest in our post natal grp, youngest of friends to have a child, so maybe yanbu.

frakyouveryverymuch · 09/04/2011 12:04

Also mid-twenties. I'm not so unusual where I live now or in my social circle - in fact it's almost expected - but back home in the UK I'm the 3rd of my school year and the first of my Uni friends. I think there is a big gap between young (read, teen) mothers and those who wait until 30ish to get established in their career etc.

Midwife here seemed to think it was normal, GP in the UK was very . Very culture dependent IMO. My MIL was totally unsurprised (had her first at 23) and I think she'd been waiting for the announcement, my mother couldn't get her head around it (she had me at 34).

SummerRain · 09/04/2011 12:10

I was 20, 22 and 24 having my three and am the youngest mum at toddler group by almost 10 years!

bronze · 09/04/2011 12:20

I too felt like this when I had my first when I was 22. Everyone I met at baby groups either seemed to be in their 30's or a teen mum. We had some things in common but I did sometimes feel like the odd one out. The people in the 30s used to assume I was a teen mum and the teen mums didn't understand my married, own house lifestyle. It wasn't a major thing but it was definitely there.

2headedmonkey · 09/04/2011 18:17

I am in my 30s now but I had my DC in my teens/twenties. Most of the mothers I knew were in their 30s or 40s, but I was able to mix with them as I was always quite mature and educated, despite my young age. I have to admit I quite liked turning up to toddler groups with the older mums as my body sprung back into shape and I didn't share the same tiredness as I could survive pretty well on five hours' sleep back then!

Most of my contemporaries are only just starting to have children now (in early thirties); when I knew them in their twenties they had a very different lifestyle, with lots of worries about work and housing. They still remained close friends though and they're starting to come to me for parenting advice but I can't actually remember much of the early days!

I've always had a mix of friends of different ages, cultures and lifestyles though, so being a bit different wasn't a strange thing. It's probably harder if you live somewhere quite suburban and everyone has much more conventional lifestyles and expectations.

A1980 · 09/04/2011 18:18

"I am in my mid 20s, with one toddler DD. I am educated, married, own a house etc. All the Mums I know are either much older (35ish) or much younger (18ish) than me."

Are you trying to show off?

LadyOfTheManor · 09/04/2011 18:23

A1...if she had said;

"I am 40, married, educated and a home owner and am ready to conceive but I don't know too many women my age with children" would you have the same problem?

Journey · 09/04/2011 18:38

I don't have a clue why the op is making such a fuss about this. Get to know the person rather than bothering about a person's age.

MsScarlett · 09/04/2011 18:45

I agree! I was 28 when I had my dd (now 29, she is 3 mo), and I rarely encountered mums my age. If I went to normal mother and baby group I was by far the youngest there and everyone seems sooo much more grown up than me, they also do a young mums group but I think I would be too old for that!

MsScarlett · 09/04/2011 18:48

I think the point the OP is trying to make is that generally the middle classes have children later, whereas lower socio-economic groups have children younger. Don't flame me, there are exceptions, but that is a statistical fact and makes me very much working class as my mum had me young!

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