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Am I or is the other mother?

87 replies

rebl · 05/04/2011 19:52

1st of, I can't understand why people have time to actually care about this enough to then make a massive deal over it. And then I can't actually understand why I've gone and risen to it other than its completely caught me out of the blue and now its bothering me that I'm having to make a massive deal of it on a forum just to get it out of my system so to speak!

I have b/g twins who until Feb half term were in the same reception class as each other in the same school. DS was exceptionally unhappy and we moved him at Feb half term to a different school. Left dd at the old school. She has a strong friendship group. DS won't go back to the old school even to pick up dd and its obviously extremely difficult as you can imagine for us. We have professionals working with ds over his anxieties, its that serious. As you can gather just from that we have real things to worry about so why I've risen to this I can't understand!

My dd has a friend A. My ds doesn't dislike her but isn't friends with her. DS has hit A on a number of occasions (he has SN and hits when not properly supported which is ultimatly why we moved him). A's mother complained to the school and specifically asked the school to keep A away from DS. She then came round to our house and laid into me about DS and how someone like him shouldn't be allowed in a mainstream school. I was very restrained then and didn't rise to her, mainly because quite honestly we were at the point of thinking that if other parents complained then maybe the school would get off their arses and do something about ds. Plus she is the mother of dd's friend. I should point out that this is a tiny school with only 5 girls in dd's reception year and only a total of 72 pupils in the school so its important that the dd's friendship with A is not jepodised.

Fast forward to now and of course being twins ds and dd share the same birthday. Because of all the issues and ds hating the old school we've made the decision to have seperate birthday parties. DD has invited just the reception girls to her party including A. DS has invited all the class from his new school plus 3 from the old school (2 of whom are girls but he went to nursery with them, they are in his eyes his friends). A's mother launched into a tirade at me outside school in front of the children about how we're excluding her daughter and that she can't believe we haven't invited A to ds's party and her daughter is very very upset. She wouldn't listen to a word I said saying that I've invited some of the girls so I should have invited her daughter. I said that ds see's A as dd's friend not his and its his party not a shared party but oh no thats not good enough. I've ended up telling her the decision has been made and the matter is closed. But I've come away all het up and wondering now if I've been wrong not to invite her. But I just can't see why ds should have invited her. A and ds weren't and aren't friends. A's mother specifically asked for A to be kept away from ds when he was in that school. A's mother has been rude to me about DS and how he is and how SN shouldn't be in mainstream schools. Yet she's still expecting an invite and more to the point has actually been extremely nasty to me about it.

I can normally see things from other peoples point of view but I just don't get this at all which is why I'm now wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
thederkinsdame · 09/04/2011 13:24

Surely this comes under the disability discrimination act? i.e. the fact that your child is being bullied by other children because of her DB who has SN? (not the party as sadly you can't do anything about petty-minded ignorance) I am pretty sure that this is the case, as it would be if a child was picked on because of their race/their sibling's race. I would say that you have grounds to complain to the school and the board of governers. I would suggest that you ask the head to take these parents to task and if he refuses, say you will take it further. I'd check the SEN code of practice as they have everything you need to know about the law and sn in there. As for the parents, well, words fail me. People can be cruel and unkind and I think the mother of A sounds like she needs slapping down and putting firmly in her place

NinkyNonker · 09/04/2011 16:59

You could kill her with kindness...

"well I know how you feel about children with SEN, so I thought I'd save you the embarrassment of declining, given I know you want the two kept separate..." etc etc.


BlueAmy · 09/04/2011 17:17

Oh Lord. Poor DD (and DS as well, but DD because of the party). :(

I would back the suggestion about going to the most gossipy mother and cleverly commenting on what's happened.

Groovee · 09/04/2011 17:48

Your poor DD. If you hadn't said it was a small village school, I'd seriously believe that you were talking about a mum in ds's class who was heard screaming in the school office about a child needing to be in a special needs school. There's nothing wrong with the child in question, he's just a lively boy with a strong personality.

I hope karma bites bully mum on the bum like it has with the bully mum from our school. She had one heck of a showdown and now avoids our year groups door and playground as much as she can now.

FlamingJamie · 09/04/2011 18:00

I would also take this to the HT. It is bullying, and if your school bullying policy is anything like ours it says all cases of bullying should be made known to the HT

KatieMiddleton · 09/04/2011 18:01

thederkinsdame has a good point. It's the Equality Act 2010 and it gives protection by association for those with protected characteristics (in this case disability).

I would speak to school about bullying behaviour.

spanky2 · 09/04/2011 18:06

Tbh if the Mum is rude to me I won't invite her dc to my house or encourage any friendship between our children. I think she is mad. If she raises the matter again point out to her that she wanted the children kept apart. If she doesn't like it she can feck off in my opinion!

rebl · 09/04/2011 19:31

DH and I are trying to connect my phone to the computer but not succeeding at the moment. We are going to go to the school on Monday with the messages, there is no other way. Plus, after discussing with MIL today we are going to think about moving dd to another school. There are non SEN reasons why we moved ds as well as SEN issues. The non SEN reasons were extremely serious reasons and we had thought they had all been sorted out through the governing body but sadly an incident earlier in the week highlighted that they hadn't and another poor parent has been through hell this week because of lax safeguarding. What happened to the other child this week could have happened to dd and if it had I would have no question about pulling her out. MIL thinks its all gone on too long and then this bully is just the final straw. Part of me doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of "winning" but I can't continue with issues with this school, be it safe guarding or crazy parents, I'm not strong enough. DH and will see what happens over the next week but think we have to have some serious discussions with the school.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. The last few days have been horrible and I'm totally worn out (not helped that I didn't sleep a wink last night). I just can't continue with this much longer.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 09/04/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 09/04/2011 19:51

I would definitely moved your dd to another school. This woman sounds vicious and narrow minded and I would worry about that she is telling her dd about your ds, that would then be passed to your dd.

Your dd will make new friends especially if you can get her into the same school as her db.

MadamDeathstare · 09/04/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heliumballoons · 09/04/2011 20:02

SGM makes an excellent point as does madameDS

rebl I'm so sorry its escalated this far from the jokey shes a fruitloop thread this was. At first everyone was Hmm and Confused but I now just feel Sad for your family.

Mum A is still a fruitloop though Grin

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