Am I or is the other mother?

[rebl]

1st of, I can't understand why people have time to actually care about this enough to then make a massive deal over it. And then I can't actually understand why I've gone and risen to it other than its completely caught me out of the blue and now its bothering me that I'm having to make a massive deal of it on a forum just to get it out of my system so to speak!

I have b/g twins who until Feb half term were in the same reception class as each other in the same school. DS was exceptionally unhappy and we moved him at Feb half term to a different school. Left dd at the old school. She has a strong friendship group. DS won't go back to the old school even to pick up dd and its obviously extremely difficult as you can imagine for us. We have professionals working with ds over his anxieties, its that serious. As you can gather just from that we have real things to worry about so why I've risen to this I can't understand!

My dd has a friend A. My ds doesn't dislike her but isn't friends with her. DS has hit A on a number of occasions (he has SN and hits when not properly supported which is ultimatly why we moved him). A's mother complained to the school and specifically asked the school to keep A away from DS. She then came round to our house and laid into me about DS and how someone like him shouldn't be allowed in a mainstream school. I was very restrained then and didn't rise to her, mainly because quite honestly we were at the point of thinking that if other parents complained then maybe the school would get off their arses and do something about ds. Plus she is the mother of dd's friend. I should point out that this is a tiny school with only 5 girls in dd's reception year and only a total of 72 pupils in the school so its important that the dd's friendship with A is not jepodised.

Fast forward to now and of course being twins ds and dd share the same birthday. Because of all the issues and ds hating the old school we've made the decision to have seperate birthday parties. DD has invited just the reception girls to her party including A. DS has invited all the class from his new school plus 3 from the old school (2 of whom are girls but he went to nursery with them, they are in his eyes his friends). A's mother launched into a tirade at me outside school in front of the children about how we're excluding her daughter and that she can't believe we haven't invited A to ds's party and her daughter is very very upset. She wouldn't listen to a word I said saying that I've invited some of the girls so I should have invited her daughter. I said that ds see's A as dd's friend not his and its his party not a shared party but oh no thats not good enough. I've ended up telling her the decision has been made and the matter is closed. But I've come away all het up and wondering now if I've been wrong not to invite her. But I just can't see why ds should have invited her. A and ds weren't and aren't friends. A's mother specifically asked for A to be kept away from ds when he was in that school. A's mother has been rude to me about DS and how he is and how SN shouldn't be in mainstream schools. Yet she's still expecting an invite and more to the point has actually been extremely nasty to me about it.

I can normally see things from other peoples point of view but I just don't get this at all which is why I'm now wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable. Am I?

[smileymam]

she sounds like a total nutcase, and seems to be the type of parent that thinks thier child is so so wonderful they couldnt possibly be a reason why they wouldnt be invited to a party, apparently even that she doesnt want her child in the same room as yours is not a good enough reason for her not to go. totally contradicting herself. And i must say u,ve shown a lot more restrain than i would. at the end of the day its his party and if he doesnt want her then than thats the end of it, sounds like you and he, have enough on your plate without having to worry about upsetting this very strange woman, i would also try to encourage your daughter to make friends with someone else as if this is the mothers attitude then i wouldnt want my child going over her house to play etc

[thederkinsdame]

Do you fantasise about handing her an envelope with a message like this insoide:

Dear A's mum,

As you were so worried about A associating with DS that you saw fit to have them kept apart at school, I thought you would prefer it if we didn't invite you to his party. Now, do run along, there's a dear, as you are beginning to get on my nerves.'

[rebl]

She's been in touch. She's been terrible towards me. The girl has been awful to my dd at school. Others heard A saying these other things and joined in . One other parent has now stuck her oar in and its turned round into a personal attack on me and the way I parent my sn child.

My dd now only has 2 children coming to her party because of her brother. She's going to be 5 ffs. What the hell am I going to say to her? She's upset enough about what was said at school (and she does say that the teacher did speak to the girls about what they said so I do believe the school are aware to a certain extent). Now I've got to say no one is coming?

I've been crying all evening. I can take the 3 girls to the bear factory and then a picnic with their new bears in the park I guess but I'm so sad that this mother has turned this round onto my dd and others are being dragged in. I honestly can't understand this at all. I really can't.

[rebl]

And I have kept all the messages and can prove what this mother is like and show all my replies. DH can't believe how reasonable I've been. He does say that at least if it comes to the point that I have to go to the school at least I have the evidence to prove what this mother is like and why her daughter is being so nasty to my dd in school.

[LoopyLoopsChupaChups]

What everyone else said.

I think you've been remarkably restrained.

Hope they have lovely parties. :)

[LoopyLoopsChupaChups]

Oh dear, sorry, missed the last page. :(

How did it get so far? Has the class teacher been involved? Why not do a joint party now with DS's friends and the two that DD still has coming? And do something really fun.

Sorry, sounds horrible. What nasty, nasty people.

[Needanewname]

Did you get the chance to ask her why she was so upset that her DD was not invited even though she specifically has asked the school to spearate the children?

Stupid woman. Try not to make an issue of it in fron t of your DD, bear factory and picnic is a good idea

[Shoesytwoesy]

YANBU
YANBU
oh so not

[IhateMarlo]

Oh FFS, where are you? I will round up every child I am related to/godparent to/even sightly know to make your DD birthday party the biggest the village has ever seen. . . . Mostly i will bring DN who is 17 and a beautiful boy not only in looks but in manner and they will all adore him, as does every child he meets (he is very wonderful,but thats not the point).

Or as there will only be 3 of them do something so mad and fab that the ones who dropped out with be cursing their sheep like mothers who pulled out for years and spent time on the future MN complaining about their trauma.

[differentnameforthis]

She needs to decide what she wants. One minute she wants her daughter kept away from your ds, the next she is demanding an explanation as to why you have done exactly that!

She sounds very precious about her daughter, tbh. I can understand that she didn't want her picked on, but to then try to (forcibly) get her included with the boy who picked on her, is bizarre!

[rebl]

The class teacher has apparently spoken to 2 girls who upset dd this week by teasing her about ds and saying horrid things about ds to her. I've not told the teacher about dd's party situation. The class teacher has obviously been involved with the parents who have been in and complained about ds.

[activate]

you are categorically not being unreasonable and the woman is quite, quite mad

I hope that helps

[heliumballoons]

Oh rebl I'm so sorry it's got like this. For you, DD and DS (and DH who sounds wonderful and supportive btw).

I second speaking to the school but would go to the HT.

I agree with you about doing something fun and really bigging up DD's party - not to make the others jealous, though it may help .

As I said above you doing a great job - it's never easy having a DC with SN, maybe harder with DT's as the 'differences' are clearer (sorry couldn't think of a better way to word that ), and your DD will always remember you put as much time and effort into her happiness as well as helping DS with his SN.

You are doing really well to stay so calm and collected.

[FAB5]

YANBU at all and you sound lovely.

I was also going to offer to bring as many children and presents as i could to make your DD's party the best ever!!!

[FAB5]

I would tell the teacher about the party and this mother's actions too.

[activate]

I would definitely give the school all the details - the mad woman is obviously getting her child to be horrible to your DD which is simply not on

Also ask for advice in the playground, ask one of the mothers of one of the other girls, ask the one who is most likely to spread gossip - tell her what has been happening, about the doorstepping and insistence of DS, about the harrassment and now the bullying and ask quite openly what you should do as DD is so upset at the bullying now - it will go round the playground like wildfire and everyone will know what a fruitloop the woman is

[Mishy1234]

Another YANBU. This mother sounds unhinged to me and quite nasty.

[PlopPlopPing]

Also ask for advice in the playground, ask one of the mothers of one of the other girls, ask the one who is most likely to spread gossip - tell her what has been happening, about the doorstepping and insistence of DS, about the harrassment and now the bullying and ask quite openly what you should do as DD is so upset at the bullying now - it will go round the playground like wildfire and everyone will know what a fruitloop the woman is

Good idea. Do that OP.

How awful for you! I can't believe people are being nasty to you for the way you parent your son?! Are they a bit thick? I mean really are they? You know the sort who don't understand what SN are and think it's all the parent fault? I'd be tempted to move my DD from the school as well as they sound nasty!

[purplepidjin]

She's a nasty bully, and if she is in any way verbally abusive to you (swearing, even mild, or personal insults) have a chat with your local PCSO about harrassment! The fact that she has caused this to happen to you daughter is simply outrageous and she needs to be taught that it's not acceptable to behave like this or locked up away from society as care in the community can only go so far

IMO you shoul pull your dd from this school. You said earlier that you kept her there for the friendship group. That is now destroyed, and she may be happier in the same school as her brother.

Hope it all works out for you

[TastesLikePanda]

I'm shaking my head at all this bitchy behaviour from fruitloop mum (and I wish I wasn't because I'm hungover tired)

I have no advice, that other people have not already said, but just wanted to let you know that my original statement still stands - she maketh NO sense.