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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unhappy with childminders request

87 replies

miniwedge · 05/04/2011 13:21

Childminder sent me a text last night whilst she was out with her other half, can X pick up dd from school on Friday as her husband has booked a weekend away.

I don't know X, dd has met her once.

Also, if I am not happy with this it means I need to take time off work at short notice and I can't do that at the moment. I am unable to take leave unless it is unpaid emergency leave until after easter.

I'm also pissed off that if I wanted to go away for the weekend I wouldn't go to my boss and tell him that X will be there instead. X doesn't know my job or the people I interact with and it wouldn't be appropriate. So how is it acceptable for a substitute to be put in place for childcare?

I did reply that neither I or dd know X, her reply was that dd has met X once.....

I feel like I am having the piss taken out of me.
I can't work out if I actually am or if I'm being mean.....

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 05/04/2011 15:05

She's not likely to still be on by Friday though, surely? I can see why you are put out, and of course you shouldn't have to take a day off, but a ten year old can manage a few hours in the company if another presumably responsible adult, I would have thought.

Original poster

miniwedge · 05/04/2011 15:06

Sorry, have missed a couple more;

there aren't any friends available to pick up dd, they all either work or have children at different schools too far away.
we don't have any family nearby.

I don't have a problem with her having a nice weekend.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 05/04/2011 15:07

YANBU OP. She is your child. Easy for the CM to happily pass your child over to someone else, but you are the parent and should do what sits right with you.

Original poster

miniwedge · 05/04/2011 15:08

She came on early this morning, so I think she might still be on by then. It's quite heavy.
Not actually sure, I haven't had a period for years......
it's not the main issue though, just adds to it if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 05/04/2011 15:08

She agreed to the contract when she signed it, infact I assume she presented you with the standard contract so she must have been happy with it. She cant just choose to ignore it when it suits and she wouldnt be able to do this in any other job.

So YANBU at all and I would say no.

Original poster

miniwedge · 05/04/2011 15:11

Bitof fun - please can you stop being so reasonable? This is AIBU if you hadn't noticed, it is supposed to go like this;

OP posts details of minor issue
Posters respond in equal amounts to either castigate and riducule OP or agree with OP and get pitchforks out.
OP then flounces and hides thread.
OP then comes back and says "just another thing"
Thread kicks off again.
OP namechanges and posts elsewhere for a bit.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 05/04/2011 15:12

Maryz · 05/04/2011 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MackerelOfFact · 05/04/2011 15:13

I would most probably concoct some kind of medical appointment and collect DD myself. The childminder didn't plan the trip herself, her DH did, and I think it would be cruel to ruin a suprise weekend away for the sake of a couple of hours. If you are happy with the childminder otherwise, I'd just take one for the team personally. I'm sure you will need to call on her at the last minute one day.

Maryz · 05/04/2011 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 05/04/2011 15:16

If CM is not available, CM should not be paid.

As your DD is 10 then CM substitute doesn't actually need to be registered but the insurance point is still very valid and I would be royally pissed off about the lack of notice. I appreciate she's trying to make life easier for you but it's not ideal and YANBU if you're not happy.

However, given that your CM seems pretty determinedly unavailable, what are you going to do?

chickchickchicken · 05/04/2011 15:17

i know this is AIBU and would like to say you are but actually you are not BU.

i think CM is very wrong to put you in this position. surely everyone has to fit time away around their working hours?? presumably her husband knew her working hours when arranging this and chose to go ahead and arrange it anyway?

there is being flexible and there is taking the piss. this is the latter

Saltire · 05/04/2011 15:22

As a CM who has been shat on from a great height several times by parents recently, I - if I was your CM - would be very pleased if you were understanding and accomodating over this scenario.

As a parent, I can understand your concerns.

The way i see it is that she is trying to be helpful in a situation which is possibly out of her control. DH would never think to tell parents I childmind for that he was planning x y or z for me, it seriously would never enter his head, he'd just be delighted that he'd managed to organise something for me all by himself

Again, as a CM, i do think that 4 weeks notice period for random hours off is a long notice period,my contract says 5 working days (if possible unless emergency obviously), however, i do accept that I live and childmind within the military environment where things can change quite quickly, eliminating the need for long notice periods and they can be , to an extent quite flexible when it comes to takingrandom days of leave here and there.
Did you decide that notice period or her?

BrainSurgeon · 05/04/2011 15:37

I say if you don't feel comfortable with it, just say no.
Your maternal instinct as well as your contract are pretty good arguments!

Groovee · 05/04/2011 15:57

My childminder has a wide range of registered CM friends as back up. She would tell me in advance if one was picking them up and as she meets with these childminders a lot the children knew them. It's not like she's getting up having puked all night and cancelling on you there and then.

MCos · 05/04/2011 17:36

yikes! 4 weeks notice for even a few hours off! Not very flexible that.. How much notice do you have to give your own boss??

If she is good CM, then a little bit of give and take will go a long way. Can't you work out a way to give her the few hours off, but let her know that it is putting you out, and while OK this time in future you need more notice?

And to all of those of you who say you would say no - if you are employed, how would you feel if your boss do this to you?? remember, what goes around comes around.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 05/04/2011 17:45

I think what's happened is that the CM has been dropped in it by her DH and tried to offer a solution to it for you, using the shit sandwich approach*

Unfortunately, the solution for you is unacceptable and so where do you go from here?

Tricky because you have no other resources to call on due to your circs

*shit sandwich approach:

Here is a problem - I can't do that Friday
Here is a solution - X can pick up

NB this is a Scandinavian Open Shit Sandwich

Symapthies

I am a CM myself and also have a CM backup system that works really well, the parents and DC know the other minders in the 'circle', it's a shame that she doesn't have one too

hissymissy · 05/04/2011 17:47

She is 10 and you are worried about her spending time with someone new? I think you are being a little precious, unless X is not a registered childminder.

When DS was small (3) he had a lovely CM, who also had a network of other CM. Occationally at short notice she would have to pass DS on to another, who I hadn't met before. I assumed that my CM cared about the welfare of DS and therefroe trusted her judgement. Both were excellent CM in every way, so I didn't mind as long as I could get to work and DS was safe.

ENormaSnob · 05/04/2011 18:01

Is x a registered Cm?

speakercorner · 05/04/2011 18:11

I'm precious and protective of my dds, so got your POV. Then I read that your DD was ten. She's surely old enough to go to the house of someone she doesn't know very well if your trusted CM is happy to vouch for them.

If this was me, I would try to arrange a playdate with a friend. Failing that, I would accept the stand-in. I wouldn't take a day's unpaid leave, and nor will you if you are honest. I would be irritated with the CM for giving me a problem. If she is usually brilliant, I would let it go. If she is a bit lax generally, I would look for another solution. The period is not important - your DD is having to manage at school after all.

FABsBackAndIsWell · 05/04/2011 18:14

YANBU or precious .

With a request like this she should have had the courtesy to phone and ask you and say you will give her time to consider, rather than just text you.

If CM want to be seen as professionals they need to act like one. A few days notice for something that is not an emergency is not on.

takemeasiam · 05/04/2011 18:35

Is your daughter not at high school next year or this year?
How far from home is school?
Can you not load her up with a phone and key, to be picked up from teacher at end of day and make her own way home and let herself in. Can you not call her from work to make sure she is A Out of school B walking home and not messing about C Got home safe.

I am quite happy for my just turned 11 year old to do this, and have been for last 12 months as and when it has been required

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 18:39

Im assuming at the age of 11 you will allow her to go home unaccompanied, ten years old! My youngest was walking home from school on his own at aged 10, he had his own key and would get there for four with me getting home at 5.15.

She is actually old enough to get herself home, she doesn't need a child minder she is not a youngster.

takemeasiam · 05/04/2011 18:42

You said yourself, she has her period. She is growing up High School Looms in the not to distant future. Dont molly coodle her. Abit of independance will do her the world of good.

onlion · 05/04/2011 18:43

Did I miss the bit on here where we established whether or not X was a childminder? if X isnt, no way in frikkin hell would I let them pick my child up from school. The point isnt that the child doesnt know X, its that YOU dont know X.

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