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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my dh because I can no longer abide his parents?

80 replies

Oddment · 05/04/2011 11:54

have nc for this but am a regular poster.

I have been with dh for 7 years, married for 1. We have a year old ds (got married when I was 38 weeks pg) things are ok between us, we have problems like everyone else but get through them.

The problem is his parents. He has always had a very 'parental' relationship with them. They treat him like he is an incompetent child and me also. He has an older brother who can do no wrong in their eyes and they let him get on with it.

They have just left after visiting for four days. I feel like I have been beaten up mentally. On the outside, they are very normal. Retired, very into their home and garden. They visit every three months for a week. When they are here they do our garden, totally disregarding what I want planting despite me being quite insistent. They always think they know best.

Pople who know them say they are lovely and I should count myself lucky to have such nice inlaws. They don't realise how shit they make me feel. They are always making suggestions on how I can run the home better, parent ds etc. They make me feel like I am twelve. Dh is used to it and says I am overreacting.

We owe them £70,000 that they lent us to buy the house. We are only paying off the interest not the capital. I feel so indebted to them that I feel I cannot say no when they tell us how to decorate or do the garden. I feel like it's theirs and dh's house and nothing to do with me. They don't treat dh's brother or wife like this.

I need to leave. I cannot stand it. I have massive self esteem issues from my childhood which are coming to the surface again because they make me feel like a stupid kid who know fuck all. The thought of putting up with this for the next however many years is too awful to contemplate.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/04/2011 11:57

How would leaving solve the problem though? You'd still owe them money and still have a half share in their grandchild.

With the greatest of resepct, they are doing these things because yiou are letting them. They seriously tell you how to decorate your house and youo let them? Why don't they treat your BIL and SIL the same?

takethatlady · 05/04/2011 11:58

Hi oddment. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this - it sounds like a horrible situation.

But my guess would be (and it's only my guess) that what you need to sort out are your self esteem issues. Otherwise, even if you leave your DH, you'll still be made to feel like this in subsequent relationships and by subsequent in-laws or bosses or whoever. I think you should talk to your DH and ask him to stand up for you more, but I also think you should get some counselling or find a way to overcome your low self esteem so that you're not worried by their comments anymore. Otherwise you could really regret losing the father of your baby over something that isn't his fault and over decorating/doing the garden ...

But ultimately, only you know deep down what is right.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/04/2011 11:58

What I mean is, what is different about you or your BIL/SIL that accounts for the differing treatment? Do they stand up to them more?

takethatlady · 05/04/2011 11:59

PS - what I meant was, when you say 'The thought of putting up with this for the next however many years is too awful to contemplate', my sense is that you will be putting up with this for the next however many years if you don't sort out the root cause of the problem (which is your own feelings). Even if you leave your DH, you won't escape .... so get some help. There's no shame in it, and I bet you'll feel massively relieved when you do :)

mumblechum1 · 05/04/2011 11:59

I don't think you should be thinking of leaving your dh over this, but I do think you need to change your response to them.

They do sound annoying, but there are lots of ways in which your dh can keep up contact without them needing to come and stay with you for a whole week at a time.

I'd suggest you go and stay with them maybe two weekends a year, they come to you for two weekends a year. That's plenty imo, and if your dhh wants to see them more frequently, let him get on with it.

When they are at yours, just smile sweetly at their suggestions then go on to tell them that in fact, you're going to do your own thing. Repeat until the message goes in.

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 12:00

Why not speak to your SIL and see how she deals with it. You do need to be more assertive, and she may have the tips that stopped them from overriding her like they do to you.

Its certainly not worth leaving your marriage for.

As a final resort, sell the house, give them their money back, and rent somewhere.

It is your house to decorate as you like, as is the garden. Put your foot down and tell them that.

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 05/04/2011 12:00

I think you feel worse becaue you feel indebted to them.

It's a lot of money to lend so they do actually think a lot of you, I feel.

What about finding a way of paying back the capital as well so you feel less indebted and more in control?

Certainly talk to your DH about it and make it clear you are not over reacting but it is a huge problem for you.

BluddyMoFo · 05/04/2011 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Oddment · 05/04/2011 12:02

Gwendoline - they treat the boys very differently. They seem to trust dh's brother more and think dh is just incompetent even though he has a mega responsible job (hcp).

Reading my post back, it doesn't look that bad. I just get so angry that I can't feel that I can stand up to them because of this money. Dh won't extend the maortgage to pay them back. He doesn't think anything is wrong.

I am a sahm so I am able to do the garden myself. I don't need them to do it. They don't listen. They just do what they like and give me the silent treatment if I oppose them. It is bullying by stealth.

OP posts:

louloudia · 05/04/2011 12:02

leave then

but you will still be tied to them because you have their grandchild

you sound very immature tbh

Dropdeadfred · 05/04/2011 12:02

I would suggest bringing the ils round for a chat. Explain how indebted you feel and how you wish to change the way they view you. I would rather sell the house and give them
Back their money... Why not rent and be independent if them rather than leave your dh?

worraliberty · 05/04/2011 12:04

You've been with him for 7 years and you've only just realised this? Why did you have a child with him and marry him if they are that bad?

I think you have to ask yourself if you're willing to try to stand up to them for the sake of your child, or just walk away and explain to your child why you divorced her Dad.

Also, you'll have to work out custody and all sorts of other nightmare arrangements that the PIL may still get involved in if your DH can't stand up to them.

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 12:04

Well, if you had to have a loan of £70k, which is a hell of a lot of money to borrow from a parent, its no wonder they view your husband as a bit incompetant and dependant on them.

I know hindsight is always too late, but borrowing that money was never going to be a good move, it never is.

Original poster

Oddment · 05/04/2011 12:05

I also think dh has a bit of a twisted relationship with them. He thinks they are wonderful even though they treat him like a kid.

Mil also has a bit of an Oedipus thing going on with her eldest son. Whenever we go out with bil and sil, mil always makes bil sit in the back with her and she pits her hand on his thigh

OP posts:

Original poster

Oddment · 05/04/2011 12:06

Louloudia why do I sound immature?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 12:06

Did they lend the other brother 70 grand as well?

Original poster

Oddment · 05/04/2011 12:08

Squeaky - yes, but they have a very different relationship with him. When they lent us the money, I wasn't keen but got talked into it by dh. I get talked into things easily

OP posts:

worraliberty · 05/04/2011 12:10

Why did you have a baby with this man and marry him?

Dropdeadfred · 05/04/2011 12:10

Does your dh know how seriously upset you are about this?

Prunnhilda · 05/04/2011 12:13

I have a bit of an understanding of what it's like having someone trying to control things like this (which other people would be delighted of and possibly can't get that worked up about). MIL likes to suggest things for us to have/do, and does not like it if I say I don't want to.

Her method is to accept it, then to come back with emails and phone calls giving solutions, or different ways of thinking, which naturally end with the possibility of my doing or achieving precisely what she suggested in the first place.

I am just as stubborn as she is, plus frankly I am cleverer than her, so the problem isn't one of being bullied, it is annoyance at the waste of time and energy rebutting her suggestions iyswim.

She calls it her 'never give up' attitude to life, but it is more her 'save face by refusing to admit that you made a poor suggestion' attitude.

I put up with it a bit but it gets wearing. What I don't understand is how they broach the subject of decorating your home and how the discussion goes. Do they just bring the materials round and say 'We're doing the bedrooms in Light Putty, put the kettle on, will you, there's a dear?' or do they make suggestions and you go along with them?

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 12:16

Considering you only have to suffer them every three months, surely you can cope with it, why not do the garden before they get there? Then they wouldn't be able to do it would they?

There are ways around things to minimise the stress.

Leaving your husband just because you dislike his parents is real pitiful, and there surely is some more underlying issues that make you want to leave other than his parents.

houseworkwhore · 05/04/2011 12:17

If u think they are bad now, imagine what they would be like as ex inlaws. Unfortunatley you are bound to ur dh family for life, that is a commitment u take on when you get married and have babies. You need to deal with the self esteem, get confident and learn to say no. This is easier said than done I know but take it from someone recovering from a nervous breakdown running away will not solve the problem, when they come why don't you pre empt them. Do the garden a week before they arrive, that way they can't interfere, when you are planning on decorating, say to your dh you will go get the paint/paper. Its all about taking control. it sounds like because they lent you money they feel they have a hold over you, this shouldn't be the case so you either pay them back in full or take control.

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 12:17

Are they paying for the plants, and the decorating materials? If so, then why on earth do you let them? If not, then buy what YOU want to buy and say "here, if you want to plant this, get on with it"..

WelliesAndPyjamas · 05/04/2011 12:18

Just jumping in here because of your reaction to the affection between mil and sons. It does not sound weird to me, it sounds lovely and probably an extension of the affectionate relationship they had growing up. Good on mil and on her sons for not being afraid to show affection, whatever their ages, and not being all victorian about it. Try looking at it from a different perspective.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 05/04/2011 12:19

£70K is a lot of money to borrow from anyone, and a lot of money to lend. I'm not surprised they act as if they own your house - they do.

If remortgaging or selling aren't options, you can only really get tough with them. Why do they stay for so long? Do they live very far away? Be insistent that they don't stay for more than a weekend, and plan stuff for them to do so they can't ruin your garden.

But really, leaving him over this is a total overreaction. Of course he thinks they are wonderful - they are his parents and they lent him £70K!

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