To leave my dh because I can no longer abide his parents?

[Oddment]

have nc for this but am a regular poster.

I have been with dh for 7 years, married for 1. We have a year old ds (got married when I was 38 weeks pg) things are ok between us, we have problems like everyone else but get through them.

The problem is his parents. He has always had a very 'parental' relationship with them. They treat him like he is an incompetent child and me also. He has an older brother who can do no wrong in their eyes and they let him get on with it.

They have just left after visiting for four days. I feel like I have been beaten up mentally. On the outside, they are very normal. Retired, very into their home and garden. They visit every three months for a week. When they are here they do our garden, totally disregarding what I want planting despite me being quite insistent. They always think they know best.

Pople who know them say they are lovely and I should count myself lucky to have such nice inlaws. They don't realise how shit they make me feel. They are always making suggestions on how I can run the home better, parent ds etc. They make me feel like I am twelve. Dh is used to it and says I am overreacting.

We owe them £70,000 that they lent us to buy the house. We are only paying off the interest not the capital. I feel so indebted to them that I feel I cannot say no when they tell us how to decorate or do the garden. I feel like it's theirs and dh's house and nothing to do with me. They don't treat dh's brother or wife like this.

I need to leave. I cannot stand it. I have massive self esteem issues from my childhood which are coming to the surface again because they make me feel like a stupid kid who know fuck all. The thought of putting up with this for the next however many years is too awful to contemplate.

why not just plan a girly weekend away next time they stay

Oddment, I am sorry you are so miserable about your dh's parents. I just thought I would say a couple of things, if it is OK.

Firstly - the money. I guess you needed to borrow it (for a deposit?) or you wouldn't have done so. It doesn't have to be a huge issue though - clearly they are not unhappy to have leant it - you are paying a reasonable rate of interest, so you having the money is helping them (as savings interest is non existent at the moment) and it is helping you too. Have your feelings of being "railroaded" by your pil become more troublesome since buying the house? Or has it always been this way?

Secondly - visiting a week every 3 months is a LOT. If my mother comes for a week I am about ready to murder her by the end - and she is MY mother whom I have a really close relationship with and who doesn't really have any offensive habits. Well, not for the first 3 days of her stay, anyway. Can you try to cut this down to a more reasonable amount? Why not invite them AWAY on holiday somewhere, rather than have them in your house? Or encourage long weekends, rather than a whole week? Not easy I know, without causing offence. Have they always liked to come on long stays, or is the baby a big draw here?

Then there is the bossiness. I would imagine, from your pil point of view, that they are not trying to overule you and make you feel small or like a child, but are instead TRYING to be sweet and helpful to their son, his wife and their little baby. This doesn't change how it makes you feel, obviously, but maybe changes how you should deal with it. When I have trouble with my mil I now just smile sweetly and ignore her, but it hasn't always been that way. I used to get SO angry about the thoughtless and mean things she said and did. The specific areas you mentioned were decorating and doing the garden? Can I make a guess - did you buy and move into a house that needed a lot of work doing to it? From what you have posted it just really seems to me they are trying to help. Might it be possible to get the work all finished before they next visit, so there is nothing needing doing, and hopefully then they won't feel the need to make "helpful" suggestions. Someone else posted the suggestion of planning an itinerary for their visits so there isn't time for them to interfere, which sounds like a good plan to me too.

In general - you are clearly upset - but are you really wanting to leave your husband because of this? Are things OK with your husband in other ways, or is it not a good relationship in general? If your relationship is fine then you really need to get him onside and understanding your point of view - initially without necessarily "blaming" his parents or expecting him to "speak to them". If you can explain it as a matter of "your" feelings, rather than his parent's intrusive behaviour he might find it easier. Then try to work out a way forward between you - he may well find it hard to defend you to his parents (my husband lets his mother say dreadful things about me, because he doesn't want to upset her - although he does agree with me that she is way out of order.)

I don't know if this is all helpful, but I hope you manage to find a way forward which will see you content.

Wow you've had some brilliant advice OP... eventually! (so sorry you had to put up with the black and white insensitive crap on the first page or so - but perhaps next time you could post in relationships instead of the sometimes brutal AIBU highway...). I do hope you have come back to read your replies.

YADNBU - they sound toxic to me. Your main problem is DH, but you being a SAHM won't be helping if he is happy to be ickle baby around them. You are probably frustrated because he won't man up around them. They have no right AT ALL, £70K or not, to reorder your home and garden and are being grossly inappropriate - did the money come with strings? Do they make it clear that as they 'own' so much of your house they have a right to do what they like? They don't!

One of the things I find about being faced with the exact problem one dreads is that, if you face it and deal with it, it is a massive boost to your self-esteem and knocks that huge bogey on the head (yay!). Great to be free of it because fear/dread does have a tendency to limit your life. It's facing it though - and I do appreciate you wanting to run away as I have a tendency to want to do this (). Stick it out, follow the excellent advice on here and tackle it, bit by bit. You don't have to come out all guns blazing like Boudicca, just take the land a bit at a time, have a plan, knowing what you want the end result to be: getting the ILs to piss off and DH to man up and get out of his parent's lap. You can do it. Start with your DH and don't be put off and don't give up. It is your home, not solely his and DEFINITELY not theirs.

Squeakytoy, I think you have it in a nutshell. Oddment - next time they come round give them a project to do. Buy the plants in ahead of time, and tell them where you're thinking of planting them. Ask them what they think "as you're always so enthusiastic about gardening". They can plant them where the fuckever they like. You can even pull them up afterwards and tell them the plants died. Score one.

They want to decorate - buy the paint, keep it under the stairs ready for that occasion. "ooh thank you so much - I've got some paint already, just haven't got round to it".

Control the situation. And go find out from a professional why you're a pushover.

Keep DH. He's got his good points.

Either they are well intentioned but deeply irritating and have issues with boundaries or they are controlling, nasty specimens. It's hard to tell which without meeting them. If it's the latter they would be a nightmare, absolute hell on earth, as ex in laws.