To leave my dh because I can no longer abide his parents?

[Oddment]

have nc for this but am a regular poster.

I have been with dh for 7 years, married for 1. We have a year old ds (got married when I was 38 weeks pg) things are ok between us, we have problems like everyone else but get through them.

The problem is his parents. He has always had a very 'parental' relationship with them. They treat him like he is an incompetent child and me also. He has an older brother who can do no wrong in their eyes and they let him get on with it.

They have just left after visiting for four days. I feel like I have been beaten up mentally. On the outside, they are very normal. Retired, very into their home and garden. They visit every three months for a week. When they are here they do our garden, totally disregarding what I want planting despite me being quite insistent. They always think they know best.

Pople who know them say they are lovely and I should count myself lucky to have such nice inlaws. They don't realise how shit they make me feel. They are always making suggestions on how I can run the home better, parent ds etc. They make me feel like I am twelve. Dh is used to it and says I am overreacting.

We owe them £70,000 that they lent us to buy the house. We are only paying off the interest not the capital. I feel so indebted to them that I feel I cannot say no when they tell us how to decorate or do the garden. I feel like it's theirs and dh's house and nothing to do with me. They don't treat dh's brother or wife like this.

I need to leave. I cannot stand it. I have massive self esteem issues from my childhood which are coming to the surface again because they make me feel like a stupid kid who know fuck all. The thought of putting up with this for the next however many years is too awful to contemplate.

Well tbh, you are indebted to them.

if you needed the money to buy a house, no wonder they treat your son like a child-and he lets them.

They feel that they own part of the house & have a say in what goes on by the sounds of it.

it's possible some on here don't realise how impossibly hard it is for many people to buy a house or get a secure tenancy these days. I suspect the loan was made to continue control over dh. Have had slightly similar, much milder, situation. Oooh, it is loody aggravating to have your sink scoured threfore scratched while you're saying 'you'll scratch it, why din't you use bleach?' Of course it is uncleanable now, as it's scratched. Dd's sleep pattern buggered up by 'helping' to get her to bed at the 'right' time, etc. Suggestions of employing a cleaner...These things happened about 5 years ago; the fact it still irritates tells you everything. IMO it was dh letting it happen that made it worse. That's where you need the support. May the force be with you.

I think an important point here is that the reason the parents suggested the loan, and the reasons it was accepted (beyond the financial) are major issues.

People who realise that their adult children must fend for themselves and provide for their own families dont make such offers as a rule. Adult children who recognise the importance of self sufficiency don't accept either.

Individuals with low self esteem, or reluctance to take control of their own lives might well allow the situation as described to occur.

The question now is whether with the realisation that there are problems to do with co-dependency, self esteem and control, any of the primary parties are prepared to do anything about resolving these matters.

Divorce or no divorce the problems will not disappear (and yes that may well be a great nightmare when it comes to parental rights and maintenance money and the upbringing of their child - a difficult situation made worse by interfering grandparents and spineless husbands combined with mothers suffering low self esteem) but either way the OP needs to find a way to handle this both in and potentially outside of the marriage. The fact the OP ought to do this doesn't make it her fault and any failure to reach a compromise with her DH and his parents should not come with a guilt trip about her child and what that child will now go through if his parents divorce.

Last time I checked life didn't come with a manual for guaranteed success and perfect decision making.

OP, I think you need to start talking to people.

You need to explain to your DH that you feel so strongly about this that you are wondering if your marriage has a future - he may be shocked, but as a couple there are probably plans you can make to handle your ILs differently in future.

Talk to your SIL - find out if she has similar issues. It may be that she is hiding her frustration just as you are (especially if MIL is possessive over SIL's DH). Perhaps you are natural allies.

You and your DH could present a united front and tell his parents that some of their behaviours is making you both uncomfortable (length of stays/gardening etc.). Your ILs may be mortified to know they are upsetting you.

To walk away from your marriage without actually trying to fix the problems sounds like running away to me - and you can't run away from yourself.

Top tip after dealing with mil for 25 years, and the one that dh uses for his Mum....say mmm they say and then don't do it. Total non committedness works.

My mil has constantly made suggestions over the course of our marriage and we just say mmm and then ignore it. This ranges from bringing up ds to the garden, to moving abroad, to taking up teaching as a career.

I have come to realise that a mil only has the power over you that you allow her to have.

Extend the mortgage as well, pay them off and you'll feel happier.

My relationship with the in-laws changed after I had my children, previously it seemed easier to grin and bare it, post-children harder.

My MIL is upset that the DDs, if push came to shove, are a higher priority then her.

You know you are being unreasonable to split your family apart over this but you do have to cope with it.

It gets easier as little one gets older. Meet half way if you're passing, visits restricted by pre-school term dates, lack of DH's- leave- my in-laws were teachers so thought that visting every 6 weeks was ideal for them. That had to be corrected. My in-laws have to be pushed into baby sitting so that we can visit local pub just for one evening during their visit. We save up gentle British comedy films sit them down, then go and stomp around the kitchen/office/have a bath whilst they watch them.

Be nice to your self, being pregnant and having a small baby to look after is n't easy.

Sounds as if the problem is your husband tbh.

There have been times when I wanted to leave due to ILs, but wouldn´t give them the satisfaction.

Fortunately, my husband & I are on the same wavelength where they are concerned.

1). Get a shed. Put all gardening equipment in it. Padlock shed.

2). When ILs ask about gardening you say "That's kind of you to offer but its under control thank you. Now, tell me more about DH as a baby...."

3). Practise saying "Oh, I'll think about that" with a smile when they make decorating/other household suggestions

4).Get a part time job and start paying back the capital £100 at a time if neessary-its all about taking back control

There?s some great advice here on this thread. My in-laws would drive me insania if I saw them that often. My in-laws batter my self-esteem as well; they make me feel like a pauper boasting about all their holidays - other relatives "doing better than us" and so on.
I would say see them less as suggested before. Look into repaying that loan again as suggested above.

I think you have had a major revelation about yourself that you cant ignore. You say you have self esteem issues from your past that are being triggered by your in-laws attitude toward you and your husband.

Explore those feelings! If you are able - look into counselling and therapy for that. Understanding your own reactions to situations helps you to cope and move through these tough feelings as and when they happen.
If you can understand your triggers and come to peace with them you can be patient and kind with yourself when you start to feel like this again. My MIL makes me feel like crapola, but I understand why and "step back" from my reaction. I am able after a few deep breaths to say to myself, my big trigger has just been pushed,(!) but its ok. I understand what this is and whats happening.
If your reaction is to flee - leaving your hubby - then you are desperate to escape your feelings. Understand your own feelings and reactions and they cant hurt you and they cant make you do things like leave your husband.

As to the garden and the decorating, how do you stop them? Difficult one that! If your verbal reasoning with them fails and they are just out there anyway putting in plants -just take them up again when they have gone! Its your garden! Decorating? Just say "mmm great idea!" everytime they talk about it and then say "I am actually planning purple stripes" and change the subject/leave the room/make some tea. Good luck though.

It is never a good idea to borrow money from family members. We had a similar issue when buying our present house. My mum wanted to give me some money to buy as she'd helped both my brothers out at one stage or another. In the end she seemed to be using it as a way of controlling me and my decisions so DH and I just said thanks but no thanks.

It is very difficult dealing with families because it is sometimes difficult for family members to see how their patterns of behavior have been formed over the years and haven't necessarily changed into healthy adult relationships. As an outsider such as a spouse you can see more clearly but it can be hard to change the dynamics. You need to have a proper conversation with your dh about this. Much better to try and fix it if you can than to divorce. Work on yourself too as other posters have said. Perhaps sorting your self esteem will help you feel strong enough to deal with it all.

Like others have said, if they can see you taking steps to take back control then you'll earn more respect from them too.

Write your husband a letter and refer to yourself in the third person. Explain how you feel and how it's really affecting you. Chances are, he sees you whinge a bit but as you've never done anything about it, you have become accepting of the situation, so he doesn't need to do anything about it.

I have a friend called Oddment who is feels very isolated, lonely and pushed out of her own family when the in-laws come to stay etc. etc. etc.
What would you tell her and advise her to do?

Why did you borrow the money from them instead of the bank if it's not even intrest free? I can't believe any parent would charge their child intrest.

Does anyone really think that giving the ILs their 70K back will result in them having a personality change?

I'm not saying don't return it asap, I'm merely pointing out that the chances are that although the OP may feel less beholden to them the PIL will continue to order her about and undermine her in her own home.

It's easy for me to say "Just say no" but really, until and unless you do Oddment, they'll continue.

So it's, "No, we're not painting the sitting room blue, I think it's a cold colour. I'm going to paint it red."

And, "No, please don't dig that part of the garden. I will be planting out/putting in a pond/whatever in that spot and haven't decided on the rest of it yet so until I do I'd like you to leave it alone."

Then it's:

"I said NO, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT" and "I SAID I'M PAINTING IT RED, NOT BLUE!".

LOUDLY!

If they give you the silent treatment, bloody well let them! Just walk away and find yourself something else to do, whether that's announce that you have a dental appointment and walk out the door or turn to DC and announce that it's bath time/dinner time/time to tidy their room or do the washing. It's not as if as a mum you're short of chores to choose from!

Regarding the debt - I owe vast amounts of money to the building society but they dont own the house, tell me how to parent or come round to do the garden.

OP - separate the debt in your head - that is commercial, they are getting interest from you. They dont own you, your DH or your house/garden.

Now that is clear - you dont have to take their misguided but well-meaning advice. Tell your DH that it is time for him to grow up, just because he is used to being treated like a child doesnt make it right.

It's the parents you and your DH need to separate from.

YANBU to be pissed off. I had a very similar issue with my DP and my inlaws. I actually did walk out, twice, mostly because of the inlaws but also because DP would never, ever show me any loyalty even when he privately agreed with me.

We are together now but only because I demanded respect from my FIL and expected back up from DP. I got both, albeit the respect came grudgingly. Hell, I even got an apology for FIL opening my mail and hackng into my email and facebook accounts (he wanted to sure I wasn't going anywhere with his grandaughter)

Think you need to set some ground rules, even if these are not actually spoken. Stop letting them boss you around, stand up for yourself. And if your DH refuses to aleast see your point of view you need to seriously consider whether he is capable of making a stand for you ever. My DP would defend me to most people if need be, but wouldn't to his parents and only did when I walked out and his dad's reaction was "good riddance!" with no thought to how his only son felt or his grandchild's welfare. It took that for DP to finally stand up to the stupid old man.

If you are paying interest then they haven't really done you a favour, but perhaps factor in a repayment plan or remortgage.

In terms of them doing stuff in house and garden you have 2 choices:

a) let go of control, and leave them to it, and don't think about it anymore. I'd probably go for that in respect of the garden personally...

or b) tell them that thanks for offering but its your house/garden and you don't need their help - also tell them that they way they speak to you is very upsetting and its would be best when they came to visit if they did day trip somewhere.

It IS possible to take money from parents to help you buy a house/set up a business and everything be fine. It just needs a good relationship PRE and APART from the loan. My dad would say half the reason he worked so hard to make his money was to have the security of helping my bro and I if we wanted/needed it.
Seems a shame to say never about something like that when it can be fine and just a great help.

My MIL would be just the same if I didn't stand up to her. Fortunately DH is on my side and since we've made it clear that she is not to clean our house or try to control our lives things have actually improved a lot. I know it sounds like a weird thing to say but DS is great leverage - she wanted to come down and see him and my DH told her she could but only if she didn't clean the house. I obviously don't mind her helping out, in fact I really appreciate it, it's when she rearranges my cupboards and cleans up during parties thus ruining the party that it pisses me off. One thing that annoys me is that she keeps bringing plants even though she knows I don't like them. At this stage I say thanks put them on the windowsill, let them die and throw them away.

DH has to be on your side.

I think perhaps you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned you had issues from your childhood. Could it be possible to get that sorted? I think if you had a clear mind that was working healthily, maybe what they do is within the realms of normal but as you think you have issues they are just pushing those buttons? Sometimes the focus of irritation is not the root of the problem? Hope I haven't underestimated them, but as bil and other people think they are nice people and you think you have childhood issues could you be mis reacting?

I think you need to show your DP this or tell him

It can be soooo difficult being in a relationship with a partner who seems to accept the control their parents are exerting. He doesn't seem to have a problem with their behavior, and perhaps this is due to the fact that prior to being with you, he was happy for them to do gardening/DIY/house stuff.

But he needs to realize that it is making you uncomfortable that someone else is able to make decisions about your environment almost unilaterally.

Seems to me that he needs to sort it out with them. Perhaps something along the lines of doing a list and calling them a week before they arrive and saying, 'so looking forward to having you visit. Could really use your help in the garden/[elsewhere]. Have done a list of ways you can help....'

If they are reasonable people, then they will understand the need to come to an agreement. If they are the types who want only to do the jobs they want without consideration for your feeling, then it's time for the, 'thanks but no thanks...'

Leaving your husband without trying to fix this would be unfair on him, your DC and yourself. I've wanted to do the same as I have toxic PIL, but I managed to get my DP to see things he had grown up accepting as being unusual and unreasonable behaviour from an outsider's perspective.

Could you as PPs have mentioned, write it down? I did this last year after one too many incidents with PIL - resulted in months of horrible aggro, but I see less of them, as DP now takes DS round and I don't have to go, so that's a lot better. Doesn't stop MIL being a rude, mannerless cow when she does see me, though, but it's only for a couple of hours a month.

Bullet points - in the manner of a list of things that you feel are unacceptable - might help you be more dispassionate and allow your DH to see it in a less emotional "you're getting on at me about my parents, it's not fair of you to do this to me" way - let him see that the things that are bothering you are not imagined and not things you would tolerate from anyone else in your life. e.g.

• Implied criticism of my garden and ignoring my wishes - if I wanted some input, I would ask for it, or pay a gardener.

The money issue is problematic - do they expect to be paid back? Apologies if you have outlined this and I've missed it, but if you're paying interest only, does that mean you have a mortgage with a bank/BS and the £70K was for the deposit? Surely then you should, if it was a loan, be paying the interest only on your mortgage (which is a separate loan to the £70K) and making monthly contributions as much as you can to your PIL to in some way get rid of that, as I can imagine that is a terrible elephant in the room if it's a debt you're not servicing.

Good luck, I hope you manage to speak to your DH about this as it will no doubt be awkward, but will definitely be a real weight off your mind if you start to address it as a couple, rather than have you seething in a corner and him either oblivious or wilfully pretending it's not happening for the sake of keeping some sort of fragile and false peace.

It can be done and though you might not get 100% of what you want, you will hopefully be able to get your DH to realise that his priority is you and the family you have together - his parents will back each other up, no doubt, and that is what he must do for you.

I wouldn't let my mum stay a week every 3 months and we get along great. It's too much.

I agree with others, re-mortgage and pay them off is your first thing.

They either have an actual charge on the property in which case you need to remove them as you are independent people or they just have a subconscious charge over it (which I suspect is the reality).

You may get a better rate anyway if you re-mortgage and have good equity.

Def do not leave DH because that will not solve the problem, merely break up your Family, upset you all and give them something to moan about you for.

Speak to DH, tell him you want to re-mortgage, you both need to be independent of them and do not have them round to stay for a week at a time. THAT is madness!