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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-I fear I am-an IL one.

69 replies

diddl · 04/04/2011 19:03

So, husband has just told me that he´s thinking of visiting his parents over the Easter weekend.

(We are abroad).

MIL phoned yesterday & his Dad´s "not so good on his legs".

I think he could tell I was a bit pissed offBlush

"Well," he said, "you knew it would happen that after a time we would have to do the visiting".

"Yes," said I, "shame they never bothered coming over when they were capable"BlushBlush

We have been here more then 10yrs & they have never been over.

They have been invited for bdays, Christmas, Summer, Easter or just to spend time with their only child & GC & never been.

OP posts:
magicmummy1 · 04/04/2011 19:10

How often do you normally visit them?

WidowWadman · 04/04/2011 19:13

It's what happens when you move abroad, hurtful as it is. My parents have visited us twice in 6 years, will be here for the third time after child 2.0 is born, we go and see them twice a year.

And that's despite living at a tourist destination. I guess people have only limited amounts of abroad they can afford , time and money wise, and we can't expect to spend it all on us.

I'm rationalising it that way anyway, but it still stings from time to time

Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 19:14

As often as my husband has wanted to.

We tried to explain in the past that it would be easier for them to come to us rather than all 4 of us go there.

Logistically & financially as they can fly over & stay with us & we take the ferry due to needing the car & have to rent a place to stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 19:15

For comparison, my dad comes every "Summer" & every other Christmas.

OP posts:
NoobyHoHoHo · 04/04/2011 19:16

I moved from Scotland to London and spent 12 years there.

My parents visited me........... once.

BlueAmy · 04/04/2011 19:18

What's the actual question?

I don't think you are being as unreasonable as you think though. If they haven't come to visit you, YANBU to be bothered by it. Though I think YABU if you say you won't visit them now.

Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 19:19

I´m pissed off at him being away Easter w/end-although we´ve nothing planned, I was looking forward to some time together.

It´s either that or use holiday up, so it is the better option.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 04/04/2011 19:19

YABU. You're the ones who moved away and if they don't want to come abroad then you'll need to visit them and you can't expect them to go to you just because your Dad does. To quote my Mum "If he jumped off a bridge, would you expect them to"?

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2011 19:20

Tough one this. Did they have the money to visit you in the past?

Must admit, I'd be pissed off if my parents had money, but didn't bother to come once in 10 years and I can see why you don't want to go.

I think, for me, this would hinge on whether I had plans for Easter weekend already. If yes, then I would say to DH that I'd like to go at a more convenient time. It would also depend on our own family finances. I'd not go without things that were important to me in order to visit my ILs.

If now is as good a time as any, then I would go (for just a few days) and then not go again for a long time.

Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 19:21

"What's the actual question"

I suppose that there isn´t one, I´m just ventingBlush

Part of me wants to say-they can´t be bothered-why should you-that´s why I think that IABU.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2011 19:23

Just saw your last post. I'd tell DH that you want family time, so he can't go now. I don't think if you move abroad that you automatically have to be the ones to visit. If they want to see you, they should do a bit of travelling too (finances permitting)

zipzap · 04/04/2011 19:38

Do they manage to get well enough to fly abroad on holiday conveniently?

Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 19:39

Yes, I get that if they don´t want to, they don´t have to.

Every year MIL asks if we´re going over, & if we say no, it´s never, oh we´ll come to you then.

She moans on about missing the children, but would rather not see them than do the visiting herself.

Then when we visit UK, she expects us to spend more time with them than with my Dad as they see less of us!!

OP posts:
zipzap · 04/04/2011 19:44

What would they say if you pointed out that gammy legs were mo problem, you can sort out buggy/wheel chair through airport and you'll drive them around so it will be even easier for them to be with you than at home?

Also have you ever challenged asked them directly about why they won't visit and if they ever plan to?

zipzap · 04/04/2011 19:46

Oops cross post - you've anticipated half my questions!

Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 19:52

We´re fairly certain that they´ll never visit now.

No idea why not.

They kind of "blame" each other.

MIL says "well, I´ll have to ask FIL"

FIL say "I´ll have to talk to MIL about it".

We have even suggested MIL come alone.

I sometimes think that it is their way of "punishing" my husband for moving away.

OP posts:
NessyBay · 04/04/2011 20:02

it's always like that if you move away...all we get is 'when are you next coming home' (Isle of Wight) - it costs us a fortune and I hate travel with DCs

Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 20:04

Well children are teenagers now, so the actual travelling is OK, but they´re just not interested in seeing the ILs.

Son said recently-"please can we go for a proper holiday to UK-not just seeing GPs" BlushGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
diddl · 04/04/2011 20:05

Oh, & my Dad´s in his 80s, so he probably won´t be travelling much longer.

OP posts:
LucyGoose · 04/04/2011 21:26

diddl - you son has a point, poor kid....

MCos · 04/04/2011 22:24

Op - it most likely isn't personal. They probably just don't feel comfortable about such a trip.

I lived abroad for 10 years. My in-laws came about 4 times, and we had a ball together. My mom came twice - once when my sister came to live with us, and when DD1 was born. But my dad never came. Which was fine with me, I understood that such a trip would be waaaay outside his comfort zone.

magicmummy1 · 04/04/2011 22:40

I agree with mcos. Some people aren't up to travelling. I lived overseas for years, and my parents didn't visit. It wasn't at all because they couldn't be bothered, it was just way beyond my mum's comfort zone. They did eventually come once (after 8 years!) but only then because I'd had a miscarriage and really needed the support. As for my MIL, she has never visited DH dice he has been living overseas, and it's been more than twenty years now. We don't take it personally, we just accept that we have to do the visiting.

If you don't want to go at Easter, would it not be an option for your DH to go alone?

magicmummy1 · 04/04/2011 22:42

since not dice!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 04/04/2011 23:14

My parents never visit. They're always happy to have us to stay whenever we want too, but never come to us. Even when we lived an hour away. It's shitty, but it's just how it is,

kickassangel · 04/04/2011 23:42

we have this, with the added bonus of tears & tantrums from MIL if we don't visit when/how/as often as she wants. She could visit us if she wanted - we've offered to pay - but there's always a reason why not. She also makes no contribution (beyond bed & board) to make it possible to visit her, so it's all our money, time etc.