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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-I fear I am-an IL one.

69 replies

diddl · 04/04/2011 19:03

So, husband has just told me that he´s thinking of visiting his parents over the Easter weekend.

(We are abroad).

MIL phoned yesterday & his Dad´s "not so good on his legs".

I think he could tell I was a bit pissed offBlush

"Well," he said, "you knew it would happen that after a time we would have to do the visiting".

"Yes," said I, "shame they never bothered coming over when they were capable"BlushBlush

We have been here more then 10yrs & they have never been over.

They have been invited for bdays, Christmas, Summer, Easter or just to spend time with their only child & GC & never been.

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 04/04/2011 23:48

I agree with the posters who say -- that's just the way it is.

There will always, always be the perception of "well you chose to live out there".

I'm sorry to say it's a case of, just go with it, and don't be bitter about it. You can have an absolutely joyful relationship with grandparents on both sides if you just accept it without bearing a grudge.

I know it's hard, and it chafes, but it can either not happen, and you are permanently pissed off, or it can not happen, and you can be happy about it. It didn't happen for us, and we just decided to accept it, which is much the best way.

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 07:40

Yes, I mean I obviously can´t begrudge my husband visiting his parents when he wants to & it´s only a long weekend.

And the children & I aren´t bothered about seeing them & would rather be here.

And as I said, they are teenagers now so unless I drag them out, could conceivably spend the time in their rooms.BlushGrin

And of course I´m glad that my husband isn´t so heartless that he doesn´t bother to visit just because they don´t iyswim.

I suppose I feel cross for him & the children that they have never bothered, despite him being an only child & them the only GC.

It could be that they don´t feel comfortable with the idea-although they go on holiday-and have even been to Austria!

They were once going to do a bus tour taking in Germany & could have had a couple of days with us.

In the end they didn´t do the tour as they thought that seeing us for 2days wasn´t enough-so instead they didn´t see us at allConfused

I think they do see it as out "duty" to visit and when husband has in the past said no we wouldn´t be visiting, I think that MIL has been astounded that we actually haven´t!

OP posts:
onceamai · 05/04/2011 07:57

I don't know - both my SIL's live abroad and the IL's visited once after dn1 was born and not again even after twins were born. Money was not an issue. I'd have been pissed off had I been SIL because that's not how my family behave. OTH SIL didn't visit her parents for 10 years either and couldn't be arsed to attend her father's funeral when he died very unexpectedly. MIL visited the other SIL after PIL died and is visiting SIL with kids this summer. The PIL never visited any of their children when they were at uni either.

Oddly enough they used to come 240 miles to us at least three times a year for a week or two at a time. Could it have been because they had a guest room, a comfortable house to come to, lots of wine and home cooked meals plus the added bonus of being a bus ride from central London. And waited on hand and foot. Would I do it again, no, made a rod for my own back and am not regarded any more highly for it.

AFAIK the girls show little love and attention to their folk because they didn't get much when they were younger. I have had to work very hard sometimes to understand that the DH can be a bit detached because he lived with a pair of selfish, mean, cold fish.

What I would do though OP, and I wish I had at a much earlier stage, is next time you see them, ask them why they don't visit and actually explain how much easier it would have been if they had visited your family rather than the other way round.

dreamingofsun · 05/04/2011 08:26

interesting thread as i'm in similar situation. Mother lives 3 hours away with partner. Every time we've asked to visit she says I'll check with X and thats the last we hear. They've always been invited here - but have never once come for christmas and only used to visit if we were away to house sit or as a break in the journey back from staying with their friends. apparently the chairs and beds give him a bad back (strange they don't do this when we are away).

anyway, last night he said that i didn't make enough effort to see my mother. I was so angry i could hardly speak. i guess this is because they are now older and he wants more help. the thought of driving for 3 hours doing loads of work and then driving back just sounds exhausting (especially after a week at work and i pay someone to do all my housework/heavy gardening)

anyway - no solution for you. just sounds like this is pretty common issue and my children don't have close relationship with her - like yours. My IL's are great though

2rebecca · 05/04/2011 08:30

If you go to the UK then why not combine it with a real holiday for your kids? You could visit the grandparents for a day or 2 and then go elsewhere, choosing somewhere with good public transport links so if your husband wanted to spend a bit of extra time with his family he could catch you up later.
My grandparets lived several hours away n the UK, but my parents were always very good at combining visits to grandparents with days out if we were going for prolonged periods, and not insisting the grandparents accompanied us everywhere which meant moving at a snails pace and staying near toilets.
We just returned to see them on an evening.
That meant we looked forward to trips to see the grandparents rather than dreading them as grandparents rarely left the house and just had TV on all day.

Bogeyface · 05/04/2011 08:41

My DH lived in a town 15 miles away and his family never visited him once in 8 years and would moan like hell that they never saw him.

Never mind that he didnt drive and they all did, that he worked odd hours and would struggle to get there and back due to public transport etc. No, HE was being selfish.

Some families are just like that, they expect everyone else to do all the hard work and then moan when you dont. Would they be the same if you lived in this country? For some people it isnt the distance that prevents them, but the fact that they just cant be bothered. You have my sympathies OP :(

scaryteacher · 05/04/2011 09:31

Diddl - my ils came out at Christmas, and Flybe got wheelchairs in place and assistance on/off the plane so it can be done.

My Mum comes out often, but we pick up the cost of her ticket.

Send your dh back on his own and have some fun over Easter with your kids.

Wilfimina · 05/04/2011 10:52

We live half an hour away from my inlaws and they never visit as we are "too far away". However a couple of years ago they went to stay with husbands ex-wife in South Africa for a holiday. No they dont have grandkids over there or any reason to visit.

On a brighter note we know they are never going to just pop in for a visit :o

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 10:55

Oh yes, I´m not intending to stop him going.

Last time we went we had a couple of days in London which was great.

And we do see friends & have days out.

We´re not always with ILs it just seems like it

They kind of want it all too much their own way.

They want husband to pick them up door to door-he will only do that if by ferry & it´s a pretty arduous journey-they don´t want that.

He has offered to fly over & meet them at the airport.
That´s not good enough, they want him to hire a car & fetch them.

They don´t want to come at Christmas-too cold.

Summer, when the children are off is too busy/expensive.

They don´t want to come unless he doesn´t work at all whilst they´re here.

There´s probably more.

They don´t want to come, do they?

Like I say, doesn´t bother me, but makes me sad for husband & the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 11:00

"Would they be the same if you lived in this country?"

Well, we used to be an hours drive away & they would do that.

Only ever on a w/end when husband was also there though so that they had a whole day with him.

Never in the week to spend time with me & their only GC & a couple of hrs with their son when he got in from work.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 05/04/2011 11:02

annoying thing is that if they are retired they will have loads of time to spare, but you will just have your annual leave that you have to use if you visit them.

not sure which is worse - having parents that never visit or ones that won't leave you alone.

there are definately lessons to learn though - if you want to be close to your grandchildren, be prepared to put some effort in travelling.

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 11:09

Yes, they have both been retired since I have known them.

I think I feel a bit guilty as I feel it´s because they don´t like me-hence why they never came to see me & the children & why they would want husband here all the time if they came.

I do find them hard to get on with-but so does husband tbh.

They have never got anything to say about anything-but you would think that they would put up with me to have seen m,ore of their GC.

OP posts:
LeonardNimoy · 05/04/2011 11:18

I think YABU - this is what happens if you move abroad (or indeed anywhere a long distance from family IME). My situation is the reverse in that my PILS moved abroad (actually to a popular holiday destination) 6 yrs ago. We have visited twice. I can only afford to go abroad once a year in time and money and I don't want to spend that time every year a) with my PIL and b) in a place I would never choose to go to in any other circumstances. It's not that I dislike my PIL, but I dont like them enough to effectively holiday with them (which is what it becomes because of where they live). Perhaps your PIL feel the same way? Expecting people to visit you if you choose to move abroad is a huge ask, I think.

GnomeDePlume · 05/04/2011 11:29

When we lived abroad we took the view that we should pay for flights for parents (thank heavens for easyjet). This meant that we knew when they were arriving and more importantly when they were leaving. They would stay with us for around a week at a time about 4/5 times per year.

There was an interesting contrast in attitudes between the parents. PIL would encourage us to go out and they would babysit. They always offered housekeeping during their stay.

No such luck with my side. Lots of huffing and puffing if asked to babysit for one night. No offer of housekeeping, short arms, deep pockets in the supermarket. Very little in the way of thanks & DM would then have the cheek to grumble how expensive it was to visit us! God knows what she was spending her money on.

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 11:35

Expecting people to visit you if you choose to move abroad is a huge ask, I think.

Yet they expect us to visit them.

I just find it odd that they profess to miss GC so much but have never been here.

It´s only that if they visited they could come any time-we are restricted to school holidays.

Fly -we take the ferry-stay with us (if they wanted)-we have to rent somewhere.

So all in all it would be easier-admittedly for us.

Why would parents never visit their only son & GC?

OP posts:
Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 11:37

Oh and as for expecting it-tbh, we (obv mistakenly) thought that they would be interested to see how/where we live & to visit somewhere that they have never been before.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 05/04/2011 11:50

guess its just an old person's thing. i've had practially all my invitions for my mother to visit declined, and all our requests to visit them ignored and then her partner says i don't pay her enough attention.

i don't think there's much logic involved and i think as they get older some people get increasingly selfish and batty. others are lovely

plopplopquack · 05/04/2011 12:01

You might be right about them punishing your DH for moving abroad in the first place. I know my GPs did that to one of their children anyway. They felt that as their child had decided to move away it was up to them to do all the visiting.

You think they would see it as a chance to go on a little holiday, I would anyway. Are they the sort that don't like to travel?

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 12:20

"guess its just an old person's thing."

Could be.

They were only 60 & 62 when we moved here!

OP posts:
NotJustKangaskhan · 05/04/2011 12:21

I've had similar - I moved to the UK from the States 8 years ago, and my family hasn't been here once. It does gets very annoying for me at times, as my mum goes on about how she'd love to visit and see the kids but can't as she doesn't have a passport and seems to fail to see why we don't go over (which, due to issues of the US, would involve getting the kids registered as US citizens at the embassy, getting two passports for each of them, let alone flying with three little ones, the cost).

Personally, I think it is a control issue. If she came here, she's be somewhat reliant on my local knowledge and transportation, at least at first, and I don't think she's comfortable with that idea.

manchestermummy · 05/04/2011 12:28

My parents never visit and they live a mile away. Two minutes in the car or a 20 minute walk.

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 12:32

"Are they the sort that don't like to travel?"

Well, they´ve taken a holiday or two every year in the 15yrs that I´ve known them....

I think as NotJust says it´s a control thing.

They would be reliant on us.

I really think that they believed my husband wouldn´t visit less than a year & that they wouldn´t have to bother.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 05/04/2011 12:43

lets hope when they get older and frailer they don't want to visit you permanantly!

suburbophobe · 05/04/2011 12:48

It's not an old people's thing, my parents were still travelling at the age of 80...

It's more a character thing, some people love to travel, others don't want to leave their comfort zone.

2rebecca · 05/04/2011 13:09

My dad is a widower in his mid 70s who has had a heart attack and still goes on holidays around the world, sometimes alone, and will happily travel from S England to Scotland to visit us.
The age thing is only relevent if they are housebound.
Some people are just selfish and lazy.

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