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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU-I fear I am-an IL one.

69 replies

diddl · 04/04/2011 19:03

So, husband has just told me that he´s thinking of visiting his parents over the Easter weekend.

(We are abroad).

MIL phoned yesterday & his Dad´s "not so good on his legs".

I think he could tell I was a bit pissed offBlush

"Well," he said, "you knew it would happen that after a time we would have to do the visiting".

"Yes," said I, "shame they never bothered coming over when they were capable"BlushBlush

We have been here more then 10yrs & they have never been over.

They have been invited for bdays, Christmas, Summer, Easter or just to spend time with their only child & GC & never been.

OP posts:
Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 13:28

As much as I find them hard to get on with, I just find the whole thing sad.

They always wanted GC, & just haven´t made the most of it.

Limiting themselves by only wanting w/ends when we were in the UK.
Not visiting here at all.

"lets hope when they get older and frailer they don't want to visit you permanently"

i can´t see it happening whilst we´re abroad.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 05/04/2011 13:36

My parents are the same. But constantly ask me to visit. I don't mind about the money (I live in the UK, just a long way from them), but I do resent the time. I get only the minimum amount of leave, while they are both retired with lots of time.

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 15:20

I suppose I shouldn´t be surprised that they haven´t been over since iirc, when we told them we were coming here, MIL say "Why?" & FIL "Whatever for?"!!

OP posts:
brass · 05/04/2011 15:24

it does sound as though they're only interested in their son. Is it possible the noises about the DGC are just about being seen to be interested?

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 15:37

I think they do "project" alot onto my husband & try to live through him.

But when we told them I was pregnant I mean tbh FIL was delighted he just about danced around the roomGrin

MILs problem I think is that she is so nervous & lacking confidence.

She wanted GC but then when she got them it was somehow disappointing.

Not really interested in cuddling them as babies & then when older, not content to watch them play & interact when they wanted, but wanted them to be doing what she wanted/said.

And when that didn´t happen I think yes she lost interest.

As much as she wanted her son to marry, I don´t think she was prepared to not be the only female in his life.

I think that they feel that they have "invested" so much in him & don´t really know how to share him/let him go.

OP posts:
brass · 05/04/2011 15:48

they sound like hard work.

I'd be staying away and letting DH go do his duty!

PrincessScrumpy · 05/04/2011 15:51

tbh you chose to move away - why should your move dictate their hols? Yes, it would be nice if they visited but you chose to move away and that means expense for them. Perhaps they don't like going abroad (my in laws don't)... hmmmmm, maybe we should move....

Original poster
diddl · 05/04/2011 15:53

Yes, we did choose to move.

If they would come here though, my husband wouldn´t have to visit alone & be away from his family at Easter.

But yes, that´s the price to pay.

OP posts:
kickassangel · 06/04/2011 00:00

the thing is, I can't imagine NOT going to visit dd when she's older in a similar situation, unless there was a physical reason why we couldn't make the journey.

but both mil & my father refuse to fly, or attempt to get over their fear of flying, so they won't come to visit.

my parents DO help out in lots of ways - pay part of the fare, lend me a car, babysit dd.

but the ILs do nothing - expect me to use my mum's car to drive 300 miles to visit them, won't let us out of their sight so we have to do everything at their pace (FIL is v frail, dd is ADHD, it is not an easy combination, I'd like to just walk her round to the park & run about, but it's not allowed). it does feel like it's about control/ownership - MIL has even said that it 'doesn't count' as a Christmas visit unless it's at her house & on the day.

Which makes it all v stressful. The thing is, they never really used to care, and would go 6 months at a time without even phoning, let alone visiting, when we were in the UK.

GotArt · 06/04/2011 00:22

I understand how you feel. It sucks that they never came at least once. I just put a moratorium on visiting family since out last 'vacation' last August, and I made the point very clear. I'm tired of taking what little holiday time DH has dragging my ass across the country and all over hells acre's visiting family, on both sides too, when no one spends their holiday time coming to see us. Now having children, it is far more expensive and the cost keeps putting us back a year to buy our own house. Funny when you put it out there point blankly; MIL, SIL and niece are coming out to visit in June.

Gooseberrybushes · 06/04/2011 23:35

People are allowed to not wnt to travel. It's difficult for some.

GotArt · 07/04/2011 01:00

By that reasoning then, OP shouldn't have to be made to feel to travel to see them.

Problems arise when one side makes the other feel guilty about not visiting or expecting them to visit. There has to be some give and take and the IN's were at one time in the last 10 years able to.

Original poster
diddl · 07/04/2011 09:30

Well, I´ve just posted on another thred that life´s too short to keep doing what you don´t want.

So by that token, if they don´t want to travel to us, fine-and we´ve only ever travelled there when we wanted, so we´re all just as selfish as each other.Blush

Husband wants to see them at Easter-no one else does, so he´ll go.

I´ll have a long weekend with my lovely children.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 07/04/2011 09:37

It's bollocks about not travelling being an elderly thing. My mum is out here at the drop of a hat, she loves coming out. My mil, well, she comes when it is convenient for her, and did the same when we were in the UK, Even then, us being in Cornwall and her being in Hants meant we were too far away.

For her, I think her dgc were lovely when little but they are now all 15+ and can see right through her, and know that she has no time for them. She came here at Christmas, and didn't have a conversation on her own with ds once. Teens aren't idiots, and mine frankly, doesn't want to spend time with her, but will spend hours with my Mum. They go out for coffee/lunch together, and ds loves the fact that my mum teases him and will talk to him. Sad thing is that mil used to be a secondary school teacher, and thinks she understands 'the young' as she put it. Does she hell!

2rebecca · 07/04/2011 10:27

People can't refuse to let you out of their sight though kickassangel(or notkickingenoughassangel in this scenario). I have never encountered the sort of selfish relatives some of you have, but if someone told me I was staying with them and not allowed any autonomy I wouldn't return to their house unless we had an agreement that my opinions were equal to theirs and that if we visit we will be going out with the kids to let them let off steam and will sometimes go out without them.
I'm never sure how some of you get in the situation where someone else always calls the shots. I would just tell them "I am leaving the house with the pushchair and will see them in an hour, you can catch us up at the park if you want to follow bye" and go.
I've never felt imprisoned in any of my relatives houses and hope that they never would in mine.
To me visiting someone doesn't mean spending every minute of the stay in their company, especially if going for more than a day or 2.

kickassangel · 07/04/2011 14:21

2rebecca - there are such huge issues with mil that this is just a drop in the ocean. i 'putup and shutup' with a certain amount, otherwise the fallout would be immense & cause genuine upset to a lot of people, mainly the rest of dh's family who he cares about.

but that's another thing - when i go to visit without my dh, BOTH sets of parents seem to treat me more like a child. it's the whole 'a woman without a man' scenario, so i limit the time & go when it suits us. it's that or complete fall out.

which is why the topic of this thread always gets a response from me - since when did it become that having parents was all about what you owe to them? I'd like to have a more normal adult relationship, where we show respect to each other.

Gooseberrybushes · 07/04/2011 20:36

Well no, she shouldn't have to travel if she doesn't want to.

But yknow. It's disappointing if you move away and people don't want to visit. If you want to continue the relationship, you have to do it. That's life.

Original poster
diddl · 08/04/2011 06:59

It´s not that I care for me-I just cannot fathom how in more than 10yrs she hasn´t visited her only child & GC.

OP posts:
kickassangel · 08/04/2011 15:27

and if people don't want to travel (or can't) but still want to maintain the relationship, then surely they'd want to help us travel to see them? it's the guilt trip, with the teary eyes, but absolutely NO intention of trying to help out out - not even agreeing to meet somewhere in the UK that is easier for us, or pay something towards the cost. it feels like they make it as hard as possible, to see if we pass the test or not, and if we don't, we're in the wrong.

and why don't they want to see their only child & gc? if they love us as much as they say they do, why is it so hard for us to even go to visit them?

to make life better for dd & I , I've suggested we meet somewhere else (where we can see dh's gran & which his mum insists we have to), BUT his mum doesn't want that, so she's not answering emails atm. so i can't book the flights, so the cost of them keeps going up & up.

sorry, didl, i've taken over your rant, but this has been quite a cause of angst in our little family. dh would happily drop all contact with his mum, but his gran is still alive & he doesn't want to upset her.

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