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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give into MIL's emotional blackmail?

74 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 04/04/2011 15:25

This is going to sound so petty. I'm sorry for that. I am upset about something and would like your advice. Basically, AIBU?

I have been married for several years and we 3 DC. I have always suspected that the PIL don't like me much. They didn't want DH to leave home and marry me because he should be "at home, helping Dad with the garden". Hmm (he was nearly 30 years old at the time).

Anyway, I have always tried hard to be nice, particularly for birthdays, etc. I always get the PIL very thoughtful presents and take a lot of care in wrapping things nicely. We also take them out for dinner or Skype so that we can say Happy Birthday properly. I will also send flowers and chocolates for Mothers Day and Fathers Day. I also make a huge effort at Christmas. The first year that DH got together, MIL did not like the presents I had bought and cried down the phone to DH about how horrible they were Hmm. So since then, I have made sure that the presents were things she would definitely like. They are not bad present-buyers either, not that it's about the presents. It is the thought that counts in my view.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and it was my birthday recently. What did I get from the PIL? Nothing. Not a card, present, flowers... not even a bloody phone call to wish me Happy Birthday. DH called them up to ask if they'd forgotten or if they were cross with me about something, but they said no, they hadn't forgotten and they weren't cross with me about anything, they're just really busy at the moment (with what, God only knows). He told them that I was very upset and that he thought they should apologise and maybe send me a small token gift to apologise. The MIL just huffed and said nothing. So, a few days later DH again calls them and says, "you know, M is still upset about you snubbing her on her birthday. Why couldn't you just call her up?" to which MIL replied "oh, you know what it's like, your dad's always around, I've never got time to call...".

I was bloody livid Angry.

Anyway, since then, we have given them a wide berth. We are usually very good at keeping in touch but just haven't bothered with them. This has been noticed. I keep expecting for MIL to ring and apologise and then it will all be over. But no, what does she do? She sends messages to the children saying things like "Grandma and Grandpa want you to know that they love you very much". This is emotional blackmail in my view. Why can't she just bloody apologise? It seems she would rather lose contact with her GC than say sorry.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I was - and am - upset about being snubbed. Especially given how much trouble I go to for them. AIBU to stand my ground until I get an apology and not give into the emotional blackmail?

Thanks Smile

And yes - I know it's petty.

OP posts:
compo · 04/04/2011 15:28

This is why dh buys for his family and I buy for mine
I'd never buy for his mother on mothers day, she's not my mum

LaurieFairyCake · 04/04/2011 15:29

I don't think you're being petty

It's been proven over and over again that they don't like you and don't give a fuck about you

Stop sending them cards and presents, abdicate all responsibility for it to dh as they're his parents - same with the children, dh to organise visits/skyping

You've fucking tried woman, you sound very nice but stop being a doormat and use the time they are out visiting the old tossers to have a bath and read a book.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 04/04/2011 15:30

Well, YANBU for being upset but I think YABU for keep going on about it, for DH to call and ask them about it again....surely it is meaningless anyway if they have been nagged into getting you something...

To be honest, I just wouldnt make so much effort with them - if they dont like you/dont accept you then thats their problem not yours - you sound a bit desperate for them to like you and maybe you come across as a bit needy to them Confused

They dont sound like overlynice people so just move on and let them get on with it. xx

manfromCUK · 04/04/2011 15:31

Not petty YANBU.

At least you made an effort with PIL , unlike some people :-)

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 04/04/2011 15:33

You are not being unreasonable at all. You need to stand your ground and your husband needs to say that not only are you upset but he is upset that they treat you this way. They may not care that you are upset but they might if he says he is cross.

Not nice at all.

frgr · 04/04/2011 15:33

"Stop sending them cards and presents, abdicate all responsibility for it to dh as they're his parents - same with the children, dh to organise visits/skyping

You've fucking tried woman, you sound very nice but stop being a doormat and use the time they are out visiting the old tossers to have a bath and read a book."

Couldn't really put it better.

Stop putting in the effort when it's clearly not reciprocated - why put yourself out so much when it's your DH's family? Stop the cycle of making an effort, it not being returned/thrown back in your face... just stop. It doesn't have to involve a row or a refusal to speak to them agian (although I will admit I'd feel miffed in your situation) - just take the cues they've given.

And if they ever raise it just shrug and say you thought they didn't "do" presents any more these days and move on with the conversation elsewhere.

It sounds as if you're wasting your breath waiting on an apology from them - move on, remember to not make any effort with them in future - you'll be much much happier for it!

.... and p.s. sounds rough on your DH too - inbetween ungrateful parents and a wife demanding they apologise - i'd hate that. i'm glad he's supporting you in this. but it could have been avoided years ago by him taking care of his side, you taking care of yours (which we do).

grovel · 04/04/2011 15:33

The big picture isn't petty. You harbour, I suspect, resentment that they have never really wanted you as DiL. Can't blame you for that. This episode has just brought it to the surface. You have played the game for years and they've now not reciprocated.

Original poster
MarieFromStMoritz · 04/04/2011 15:35

It's been proven over and over again that they don't like you and don't give a fuck about you

Ouch! Do you really think so Laurie?

OP posts:
Ormirian · 04/04/2011 15:36

Step back. Leave your DH to have the relationship with his parents. Let him field the pettiness. It's a shame but you can't force it.

frgr · 04/04/2011 15:37

grovel, i agree.

but at what stage does the OP sit back and say "I'm ok with ths, i've made the effort, any lack of relationship is their doing, my efforts are more valued elsewhere" .. i don't think it's petty to want an apology, but i think the OP is focusing on the wrong things. Instead of being happy at getting a mention/card/present with an apology, she should look at the bigger picture, see that her efforts are not valued, and break the cycle of effort -> feeling hurt they clearly don't like her.

OP, your lovely DH/DCs are far more worthy of any present buying effort! focus on them :)

Spidermama · 04/04/2011 15:37

I think you need to step right out of this.
You can't force them to send you cards or presents any more than you can force them to like the ones you send.

It seems to me there's a lot of expectation on both sides which isn't being met.

If it were me, I'd leave them to your dh. It sounds a bit suspect, as if they haven't properly let go of him tbh. A little unhealthy. Odd for him to be telling them to apologise for not sending you a present. Utterly bizarre that she cried down the phone because she didn't like your presents. Really weird behaviour.

I would not bother seeing them if I were you. Just let him get on with it. Let him take the kids to see them now and again, and just keep away. You've tried being nice and that didn't work/they saw through it. Fuck 'em!

bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 15:38

YANBU.

They are not worth your time and effort though. Even if they didn't like you, if they genuinely cared about the feelings of their son and their grandchildren, they would make an effort. As they don't, they are really not very nice people. Try and forget about them, leave all responsibility to your dh re Christmas and Birthdays etc, don't even bother to remind him. If he wants to see them, he can skype or visit alone with the dc.

grovel · 04/04/2011 15:38

I don't like this "doormat" stuff. A lot of strong, decent people go out of their way to accommodate parents in law because they are family and are grandparents. But the accommodation should be two-way.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 04/04/2011 15:42

Erm... aren't you emotionally blackmailing them for forgetting your birthday?? Suck it up, move on. ILs are pants.

grovel · 04/04/2011 15:43

frgr. I think the MiL has made it possible for the OP to step back now. Wouldn't burn bridges though.

Magicjamas · 04/04/2011 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 04/04/2011 15:48

'They didn't want DH to leave home and marry me because he should be "at home, helping Dad with the garden". (he was nearly 30 years old at the time).'

'The first year that DH got together, MIL did not like the presents I had bought and cried down the phone to DH about how horrible they were '

' DH called them up to ask if they'd forgotten or if they were cross with me about something, but they said no, they hadn't forgotten and they weren't cross with me about anything, they're just really busy at the moment. A few days later DH again calls them and says, "you know, M is still upset about you snubbing her on her birthday. Why couldn't you just call her up?" to which MIL replied "oh, you know what it's like, your dad's always around, I've never got time to call...".'

They don't like you and they don't care about observing the social niceties. It was a deliberate snub.

' I keep expecting for MIL to ring and apologise and then it will all be over'

Not going to happen.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 04/04/2011 15:53

ASecretLemonadeDrinker, ILs and family in general get away with this kind of behaviour because it's tolerated. How many threads are there on here about people furious that their DP/H won't stick up for them when their ILs insult them. Unfortunately when you chose to draw a line and say that this behaviour in unacceptable, you have to be prepared for the fact that they might not back down.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/04/2011 15:53

Yes, I was being really blunt but I mean it.

What you have to come to terms with is that it's NOT a reflection on you - you have taken the higher road, you have accomodated them, you have gone out of the way to buy thoughtful gifts.

It is not about you, this is their ishooo.

Now it's time to step back and stop allowing yourself to be treated poorly.

At some point in every bad relationship people step over 'being nice' and into martyrdom - you have now made that step Wink

Any further steps that you take to accomodate them is active self-flagellation - seriously, grow some self-esteem. You sound much nicer than them.

MardyBra · 04/04/2011 15:55

I agree with all those you have said that they are rude and BU.

I would suggest that you are also being a little precious demanding an apology. I would just get on with and rise about it - leaving DH to do all the pressie stuff as suggested - don't make your DC lose their grandparents over something so small in the grand scheme of things.

Good luck OP. You have the moral high ground, as long as you don't play them at their own game.

carat · 04/04/2011 15:56

YANBU. My MIL is the same. She can't be bothered with anyone but complains when I don't send her £100 John Lewis vouchers for Christmas and theatre vouchers for her birthday. She doesn't phone, email, come over to see us and is always busy in the garden so she can't receive visitors (she doesn't work).

She complains that her grandchildren don't know her. Had a chat with DH and we've decided that it's a two way street. Like you, I wanted to be accepted by PIL so made an enormous effort, took them to dinner, theatre and even paid for a weekend away. My reward...... NOTHING. No birthday cards, not even 'congratulations' when the children were born.

I take the view that I am happy for PIL to see the children whenever they like, at our home or theirs. All they have to do is call to arrange a date and time. Four months on, we're still waiting for the call. Took hubby a while to accept this, but now realises that they really aren't that nice.

These are not your parents, but they are your children, so be firm and do not allow them to pass on stupid comments to your DCs, but be gracious in your approach.

louloudia · 04/04/2011 15:57

stop being a mug

The first year that DH got together, MIL did not like the presents I had bought and cried down the phone to DH about how horrible they were

frankly that would have been the first and last time they had anything off me, bar a card

B52s · 04/04/2011 15:59

Forget it, rise above it. Life's too short.

HerHissyness · 04/04/2011 15:59

To me it sounds like you have bent over backwards to be liked and accepted, to show them that you are good enough for their son. To be honest you ought to have stopped short a long time ago, but I totally understand the charm offensive. You clearly adore your DH and he you.

You know what? the fact that they have not accepted you, that she has cried down the phone about the presents, despite all the clear effort you have shown them? Stuff em! This is all about them letting you and your family down. It speaks VOLUMES about them, not you.

How are they sending messages to the DC? Cut that off right now. They ARE manipulating the DC, and it's absolutely NOT on. If they want to contact the DC, it has to be through the parents and in order to do that, they have to be civil.

Sounds like your DH is on the same wavelength WRT their behaviour, and long may that continue. all you have to do now is shrug and say 'I tried'

How would you treat these people if they were 'friends'? You'd cut them off. These people are not even friends of your family, they are doing their damnedest to undermine you and rupture your family. When they can behave in a manner conducive to family life, they have a right to be included in it.

ENormaSnob · 04/04/2011 16:04

I wouldn't bother with them at all.

Yanbu