AIBU to not give into MIL's emotional blackmail?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

This is going to sound so petty. I'm sorry for that. I am upset about something and would like your advice. Basically, AIBU?

I have been married for several years and we 3 DC. I have always suspected that the PIL don't like me much. They didn't want DH to leave home and marry me because he should be "at home, helping Dad with the garden". (he was nearly 30 years old at the time).

Anyway, I have always tried hard to be nice, particularly for birthdays, etc. I always get the PIL very thoughtful presents and take a lot of care in wrapping things nicely. We also take them out for dinner or Skype so that we can say Happy Birthday properly. I will also send flowers and chocolates for Mothers Day and Fathers Day. I also make a huge effort at Christmas. The first year that DH got together, MIL did not like the presents I had bought and cried down the phone to DH about how horrible they were . So since then, I have made sure that the presents were things she would definitely like. They are not bad present-buyers either, not that it's about the presents. It is the thought that counts in my view.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and it was my birthday recently. What did I get from the PIL? Nothing. Not a card, present, flowers... not even a bloody phone call to wish me Happy Birthday. DH called them up to ask if they'd forgotten or if they were cross with me about something, but they said no, they hadn't forgotten and they weren't cross with me about anything, they're just really busy at the moment (with what, God only knows). He told them that I was very upset and that he thought they should apologise and maybe send me a small token gift to apologise. The MIL just huffed and said nothing. So, a few days later DH again calls them and says, "you know, M is still upset about you snubbing her on her birthday. Why couldn't you just call her up?" to which MIL replied "oh, you know what it's like, your dad's always around, I've never got time to call...".

I was bloody livid .

Anyway, since then, we have given them a wide berth. We are usually very good at keeping in touch but just haven't bothered with them. This has been noticed. I keep expecting for MIL to ring and apologise and then it will all be over. But no, what does she do? She sends messages to the children saying things like "Grandma and Grandpa want you to know that they love you very much". This is emotional blackmail in my view. Why can't she just bloody apologise? It seems she would rather lose contact with her GC than say sorry.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I was - and am - upset about being snubbed. Especially given how much trouble I go to for them. AIBU to stand my ground until I get an apology and not give into the emotional blackmail?

Thanks

And yes - I know it's petty.

Stop trying to make so much effort with them, it's not getting you anywhere. Let your DH buy their presents in future, don't you worry about it or expect anything.

They are cutting off their noses to spite their faces but it's their choice.

My OH and I often forget his Dads birthday we have never fallen out over it. I am with B52s lifes to short.

Say to your OH you buy the presents for them from now on. Stop asking them to say sorry, they won't mean it anyway.

YANBU. Hand over all present and card responsibilities to your DH and ignore the rude gits.

I would totally diregard them in future; leave it to your DH to buy them presents/visit them/take the children to see them. Like someone else said, there doesn't need to be a row or argument involved, just drop them from your life. If you answer the phone when they call, be polite but don't chat with them. If they pop round and you're there then excuse yourself and go out.

My FIL has made it clear that he doesn't like me, and although it used to upset me, I now treat him the same as he does me. He is very passive aggressive towards me and makes digs all the time so now I pull him up on it "What do you mean by that?" "I'm very offended at that, I think you're being very rude". I leave present buying for him to DH, if he calls I don't chat, just hand the phone to DH. Just because they're supposedly family we don't have to take any old shit off them.

I think you're probably best off facing facts, accepting that they don't like you (which like others have said, is their problem, most definitely not your problem!", and then treating them with the contempt that they deserve. They are no better than bullies.

I agree with B52s - would you really cause a huge family rift because they forgot/didn't get you a birthday present??????

drop them from your life because of a birthday present????

I think it's more than just the birthday present that's the issue here though, Ginmakesitallok. I guess for the OP it's just the straw that broke the camel's back. It sounds as though her inlaws treat her with contempt and have never really liked her, she's been putting in the effort for several years and it's all come to a head.

Well, it´s clear that they don´t like you.

But, an adult expecting something for their bday & getting her husband to moan to his parents about it-why?

Just because you make a fuss for other people´s bdays, why dies it follow that they must for you?

We are abroad & only send cards.
ILs phone my husband & the children for their bdays, but not me & it has never bothered me tbh.

I agree. Just stop trying. you've done your best but you can't make people like you, even if you don't understand why they don't (and to be honest it doesnt sound personal - anyone who 'took away their little boy' might get the same treatment.)

I've done it to a certain extent - I essentially have 3 mothers - my MIL, my Step-Mum (SM) and my real mother (BM). MIL is lovely and I try very hard to get her lovely presents and she does the same. She visits every couple of months and dotes on our boys. I treat her as she treats us, and whilst we'll never be 'buddies' we treat each other with respect.

SM is lovely to me, and DS2, but doesnt really like DH and DS1. The feeling is mutual. DSM actively snubs DH by not getting him birthday cards etc, and isnt particularly nice about DS1, although she still visits now and again and brings him presents. I respond by still sending her nice cards and things from the boys, but we don't visit, because both DH and DS1 hate it and its not worth the stress. I've tried to explain this tactfully, because theres no use glossing over the fact that now my dads gone we have no reason to up there as its hard work for both sides with no gain. We seem to have an understanding - if she visits us, DH stays out of the way.

BM I have no contact with at all. She left when I was little, after losing custody of me, and sporadically sent me things over the years before losing touch. I located her once in my teens, and once in my twenties. Both times she got overly excited, gushed a lot, then didnt contact me again after my visit. The third time this happened was after DS1 was born. After a large amount of high drama about being there for the birth (we said no - she'd already booked plane tickets-from the US! without checking first) she visited once, called a couple of times, then we heard nothing. That was nearly 3 years ago. I kept sending photos every 6 months until DS2 was 6 months old. I've finally given up. Some things are NOT worth the hassle. Some people are NOT worth fretting about.
Interact as much as you need to, and no more. No more birthday cards. Definately no more presents. Maybe a christmas card and present if you're going to be in the same place but nothing that takes too much thought. Life is too short.

Agree with everything laurie said.

Also think that your Dh should buy the presents etc for them in future. If he can't then you pretend like he did. Imagine phoning a person up to cry that you didn't like the present they got you! Wouldn't happen. She's not 4 years old. She's a fucking idiot

I'm very sorry that you've got this horrible woman in your life, but if you restrict your input to smiling and nodding then they can't upset you further.

YANBU OP.

YANBU to be offended by their actions
YABU to keep dragging it out for yourself - just give up!

You've tried, you couldn't have done any more, there is nothing more you can do. Your MIL is being unreasonable and she will know it. She is the one cutting herself off and one day (maybe her birthday when she gets nothing) she'll realise how unfair she was to you.

They're his parents, let him deal with it. Seriously just let it drop and don't give it another thought.

I agree with what others have said and that's to give up. You have clearly made a big effort with them and they blatently don't give a shit. Leave present buying etc for them down to your DH from now on and just forget about them imo

Laurie is a very wise woman & speaks the truth OP.

I know how you feel as my MIL was the same for a long time. It was a family joke that she would forget my birthday or give me a hideous present (a worn and smelly 1950's size 18 smock once! I was a size 10!) When she did actually get me a card (she made me one once out of anaglipta (sp?) wallpaper!!) she always wrote 'from MIL' and 'love from' on everyone elses!!! But usually I was forgotton. I was hurt and felt left out. She wanted DH and MY kids but not me!!! And not for anything I have done, just for 'taking her son'. (She admitted as much).

Anyway, we do actually 'get on' now, although she is still domineering and aggressive. What helped was backing off when she was awful and rude and spending more time with her when she was reasonable. You can't expect them to change to be normal but if you can tolerate them if they are half decent to you, that is the best all round. Luckily, my MIL at some point realised she had to be reasonable to see DH and the kids and it would be on our terms and not hers. It took her a few years to get that.

As kids grow up also they notice. They may love their relatives but they will see that their mother is treated unfairly and judge accordingly. This may result in them being less close to those grandparents (it happened to me with mine). So my advice is to refuse to accept rudeness but ignore the petty things. Insist on and reward good behaviour and keep her at arms length when she is rude/mean. Don't expect her to be grateful for anything you have done or compliment you. Expect that at best, she will only tolerate you and never really care.

Sounds like my PIL after 20odd years I just do not bother with them at all. If she happens to call and DH is away I ignore the call. I have nothing to say to her. PIL make no effort to get to know their grandchildren, their loss. She sends cheques for DC at birthdays and christmas, my children view them as an easy way to get money.

Don't take it so personally. Think about it as their problem rather than your problem. And yes, let DH do the present buying/organising for them in future.
But I do think you overdid it by looking for an apology!

I am lucky, I have wonderful inlaws. My mom-in-law isn't consistent with presents. She has 5 DD-IL, and many grandchildren. She never forgets a grandchild, but it is hit-and-miss for DD-ILs. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. And she does definetly have a very busy life. We try to buy her the nicest presents we can think of, because kids, DH and I all love her dearly.

jellybeans advise is spot on

What on earth was the present she cried over?? (I'm secretly hoping it was a plastic turtle that says rude words when you squeeze its flipper, because that's what the old cow deserves and what I would be getting her for her next birthday, if I were you).

She's rude rude rude, sounds like you've bent over backwards to be nice and win them round and yet even when prompted, she can't be arsed to wish you a happy belated birthday over the phone- far less to match the thoughtful and nicely wrapped gifts you've chosen for her over the years. I don't know whether it means she dislikes you or is just a thoughtless old cow, but I do know she's got no manners and no shame.

And I'm very glad your husband is on your side over this.

Step back - your mil sounds like a bitch. No need to be a bitch back but now take a massive step back - right now.

There´s obviously more to this.

NBut why do you care so much that ILs didn´t bother about your bday?

Is it because you make such an effort, or because you like them or because it seems to have confirmed that they don´t like you?

Do they usually bother?
It does seem odd that they didn´t just say that they forgot & leave it at that but if your husband was going on about apologies & a late present, it probably reall pissed them off.

They sound toxic and not worth your time. It's sad, because it sounds like you'd like a good relationship with them (and you've tried!) but from what you've described, hell will freeze over before MIL acts reasonably and is friendly to you. It sounds like the FIL is a bit of a doormat - maybe I've read that wrong - but that she is the main problem.

It's also very sad for your DH because they're his parents, but it's fortunate he's on your side here and isn't falling for her pathetic crap. Her Mommy Ishoos sound scary.

As for seeing your DCs... probably just a token visit once in a while is all they deserve. How old are they? They may have picked up on the fact that Grandma isn't very nice to you anyhow.

One of godsons refers to his grandmothers as "Granny" and "Granny YUK". At the age of 5 he spotted that one grandmother was foul to his Mum.

"Stop sending them cards and presents, abdicate all responsibility for it to dh as they're his parents - same with the children, dh to organise visits/skyping

You've fucking tried woman, you sound very nice but stop being a doormat and use the time they are out visiting the old tossers to have a bath and read a book."

This is your get out clause.

As others have said just stop trying - YANBU!

You need to allow the relationship between your DH and children to continue but as others have pointed out your MILs behaviour is going to affect your children's opinion of her and if one day they tell you they don't want to visit granny then you'll all know why.

My dad's parents were always horrible to my mum. One of my earliest memories were of my grandad coming back from the pub and on finding us and my mum in his house with my dad's mum (I can't bring myself to call her my gran - I hate her too much) he shouted at my mum and we left. When my grandad died my mum was "forbidden" from attending the funeral regardless of how much she had done and ran around for my dad's family during my grandad's cancer. As a result of how they treated my mum we had nothing to do with them after my mum stopped forcing it (apart from when my grandad got cancer) and we were much happier that way. The sad thing is my grandad died the same year as my best friends nan and I cried when she died but only felt guilty that I couldn't shed a tear for my grandad.

My fil doesn't l;ike me much and to be honest am not that bothered hes an argumentative man and is prone to stretching the truth beyond what is imaginable, thats another story, let dh take dc's to see them, they will soon get the message, also make it clear to dh that they are rude, hence your not visiting, totally agree with herhissyness, phone her tell her straight that you will not allow her to use your children in this way grrrr