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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not give into MIL's emotional blackmail?

74 replies

MarieFromStMoritz · 04/04/2011 15:25

This is going to sound so petty. I'm sorry for that. I am upset about something and would like your advice. Basically, AIBU?

I have been married for several years and we 3 DC. I have always suspected that the PIL don't like me much. They didn't want DH to leave home and marry me because he should be "at home, helping Dad with the garden". (he was nearly 30 years old at the time).

Anyway, I have always tried hard to be nice, particularly for birthdays, etc. I always get the PIL very thoughtful presents and take a lot of care in wrapping things nicely. We also take them out for dinner or Skype so that we can say Happy Birthday properly. I will also send flowers and chocolates for Mothers Day and Fathers Day. I also make a huge effort at Christmas. The first year that DH got together, MIL did not like the presents I had bought and cried down the phone to DH about how horrible they were . So since then, I have made sure that the presents were things she would definitely like. They are not bad present-buyers either, not that it's about the presents. It is the thought that counts in my view.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and it was my birthday recently. What did I get from the PIL? Nothing. Not a card, present, flowers... not even a bloody phone call to wish me Happy Birthday. DH called them up to ask if they'd forgotten or if they were cross with me about something, but they said no, they hadn't forgotten and they weren't cross with me about anything, they're just really busy at the moment (with what, God only knows). He told them that I was very upset and that he thought they should apologise and maybe send me a small token gift to apologise. The MIL just huffed and said nothing. So, a few days later DH again calls them and says, "you know, M is still upset about you snubbing her on her birthday. Why couldn't you just call her up?" to which MIL replied "oh, you know what it's like, your dad's always around, I've never got time to call...".

I was bloody livid .

Anyway, since then, we have given them a wide berth. We are usually very good at keeping in touch but just haven't bothered with them. This has been noticed. I keep expecting for MIL to ring and apologise and then it will all be over. But no, what does she do? She sends messages to the children saying things like "Grandma and Grandpa want you to know that they love you very much". This is emotional blackmail in my view. Why can't she just bloody apologise? It seems she would rather lose contact with her GC than say sorry.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I was - and am - upset about being snubbed. Especially given how much trouble I go to for them. AIBU to stand my ground until I get an apology and not give into the emotional blackmail?

Thanks

And yes - I know it's petty.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2011 17:48

I can't see the point in trying to get them to apologise, they clearly aren't sorry and an apology only means something if it is sincere.

I would go further than not buying cards and presents in the future. I would not allow direct contact with the children, only contact through you or DH and I would not accommodate them by allowing DH to visit with the DC (and not you).

I take the view that if someone wants to see your children, then they can observe social niceties and be civil to you, the children's mother. If they cannot manage that then they don't deserve to be visited.

Lots of people think that children are entitled to a separate relationship with GPs, that is nothing to do with the parents relationship with them. Up to a point I agree, but I think it is not good for children to witness conflict between their GPs and parents, so both parties have an obligation to be couteous in order to prevent that conflict.

You have done your bit, and if they cannot manage to reciprocate, then they deserve no further consideration.

In my household, we are a package deal - me, DH and our DC. Our families don't get to cherrypick the parts they prefer and exclude anyone.

Original poster

MarieFromStMoritz · 04/04/2011 17:59

Some really good posts on here - thank you

OP posts:

saffy85 · 04/04/2011 18:01

I don't think you're petty at all. Ofcourse no one should give to receive, but it sounds like they've decided to put the boot in for no good reason after all theses years of you making a huge effort to please them.

Lets face it, they're bloody lucky their son has married you. He could have married someone like me no way would I have made so much effort with his parents if his mother had cried down the phone to him that the presents I'd chosen her were crap! Who does that? Not even my 3 year old would behave that way! I certainly wouldn't have bought them anything else from then on! You're much better person than me!

MorticiaAddams · 04/04/2011 18:12

I was going to post the same Karmabeliever. An apology would be pointless as you know she wouldn't mean it and would be given begrudgingly.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to see and understand how you are treated and why they aren't seeing their grandparents?

ScaredOfCows · 04/04/2011 18:18

Take a step back, let your H sort out cards, presents, outings with them - you can just go along as required. Smile and chat, keep it superficial.

BUT "She sends messages to the children saying things like "Grandma and Grandpa want you to know that they love you very much" - how do these messages get to the children? These kind of messages need to stop, now, unless and until they show you the respect as the children's mother that you deserve.

Miggsie · 04/04/2011 18:25

They are emotional vampires, they take but never give, they will take forever and never give.

They despise you for giiving htem presents, they despise you for not giving you presents. If they even had remembered it was your birthday they would have bought you nothing on purpose.

They don't care about anyone but themselves.

You are better off forgetting about them. Your DH isn't making a lot of effort and they are his parents, I assume he got sick of them years ago.

Yes, they will try to slag you off to your children, my granny did exactly the same thing, telling me my mohter was a bad mother and I was spotty becuase my mother had never taught me to wash, the warped old bat. I hated her (granny).

Get them out of your life, they will only cause grief, there will never be reciprocation or happiness or anything from them.

BrandyAlexander · 04/04/2011 18:27

I agree with all the advice that you have had - I really wouldn't bother anymore - However, I would limit the amount of time that your PIL, dh and DCs all have together without you as it allows everyong to be complicit in treating you as if you don't exist or are not important. I wouldn't stand for that either.

SmethwickBelle · 04/04/2011 18:34

I'd be upset, YANBU sounds like you have been very thoughtful and at the kindest interpretation they're in a bubble where it just doesn't register - at worst yes just spiteful.

Here's a childish tactic which may give you some comfort in the coming years. I know someone who sells the presents I buy on ebay so I get them more and more preposterous presents every year - e.g. large plastic garden ornaments which can't easily be shoved in a cupboard and that no one in their right mind would buy. If you carry on as normal, remember every birthday, but get the hookiest cheap shitty airbrushed puppy card and something hideous and HUGE you may raise a smile for yourself as you fulfil the part of the dutiful DIL. x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2011 18:45

Marie

Unfortunately for you your inlaws are toxic and this is why they act as they have done (thier actions are all par for the course I am sorry to say).

It is NOT your fault either they are like this, you did not make them this way (their own parents likely did). BTW your FIL is a bystander to all this so would not let him off the hook either. You will never do right in MILs eyes but that is her issue and not yours to carry.

You've tried; time to call it a day now with them.

Toxic inlaws will try and get back at you through your children as has already been seen. You need to protect them from their malign influence.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as that will help you as well.

anonacfr · 04/04/2011 19:06

Who cries over a present????

I could understand a five year old (maybe) but a grown woman? My grandmother is infamous for giving crap gifts (ie she gave my brother a box of matches for Xmas once) but we laugh about it.
The thought of actually crying over something one doesn't like.... WTF?

If it's a bad gift (like the teapot my MIL gave me for Xmas this year- I just hate the design) the etiquette is to say thank you and pack it up in a cupboard somewhere. Not to cry- and tell the person who's given you the present!

diddl · 04/04/2011 19:11

Is it possible that she cried because the present wasn´t from just her son & in fact he hadn´t even chosen it?

OP-you then made the mistake of trying to do better rather than just handing it back to him.

2rebecca · 04/04/2011 19:20

My husband buys his parents' presents and gets and signs their cards. We sometimes discuss what to get if he is stuck for a present but getting it is his responsibility. I hope when my son is older he will still choose stuff for me himself. Men shouldn't be able to abnegate responsibilty for this stuff, plus as a mother I'd like to feel he still cares enough about me to buy me a birthday card and not see it as a chore to be delegated.

anonacfr · 04/04/2011 19:20

Well the OP mentioned that the MIL cried because she thought the presents were horrible.

2rebecca · 04/04/2011 19:24

I think your inlaws have been rude and ungrateful in this case (although also feel you should never have started being principal present buyer ) and I would just ignore them and buy them no further stuff and leave it to your husband. I wouldn't stop the kids from seeing them but wouldn't see them myself until they had apologised and would expect my husband to feel they had been horrid.
Why does MIL have to phone and apologise? The present malarky is as much your FIL's job. Don't let him off the hook. He could have gone out and bought a card and sent some flowers too.

MizzyDizzy · 04/04/2011 19:33

karmabeliever ... said at all for me up there ^.

Especially this bit...

"In my household, we are a package deal - me, DH and our DC. Our families don't get to cherrypick the parts they prefer and exclude anyone."

zookeeper · 04/04/2011 19:57

I think demanding an apology and a token gift (WTF!) is just plain silly although I can understand your anger. From now on I would just send a card and leave the rest to your DH. I think there's a bit of emotional blackmail coming from you too. I certainly wouldn't let my dcs lose contact with the PIL over it. Life really is too short

freddy05 · 04/04/2011 20:59

I have one of these MIL's she's a complete bitch, treats us really badly and when left alone with the children messes with their heads. I would agree with everyone who says have no more to do with her BUT if your DH and chidren keep visiting her and doing for her she has exactly what she wants. She gets to play matriarch (sp?) because she has driven you out of your family whenever she's around. My delightful MIL turned up to DD2 christening and blanked me and made snide comments about me to other people (alongside having a screaming fit about one thing or another) and i realised then that we had made a mistake in giving her the idea that she could have DH and GC without having to respect me. We won't be making that mistake again!!

jellybeans · 05/04/2011 16:58

'BUT if your DH and chidren keep visiting her and doing for her she has exactly what she wants'

I agree with this totally.. I NEVER agreed for DH to take the kids round on his own and luckily he didn't want to either. By sticking to this, she had to learn to be nicer. To let her pretend she could exclude me and just have what she wanted despite her behaviour would have been a big mistake. I also felt it wasn't teaching DD much about respecting people.

Stormfromeast · 05/04/2011 20:54

My MIL's birthday is on Christmas Day, and she is 84. She expects 2 presents per child every year. She also expects flowers etc on Mothers Day. When we go out for dinner, she always picks the most expensive restaurant. I don't get birthday cards, prezzies or christmas stuff but I've resigned to it and it bothers me no more. This year I told DH that I won't be ordering flowers for him so he gets brownie points. I've decided that respect needs to come both ways. Don't let MIL bugs you. Rise above it, stand your grounds, and they're get bored.

2rebecca · 05/04/2011 21:20

I find it a bit strange when adults buy presents "from" children who are too young to buy and pay for the present. Fine when offspring have grown up and gone to uni etc but I buy presents for grandparents etc from all of us. Any grandparents expecting 2 presents from each of my kids would soon learn not to expect this. It's mad. I make them sign the birthday card but that's it. I find the whole buying present thing very tedious and think my kids have enough years of that ahead of them without making them go out and buy and choose and pay for 2 presents each for a super fussy grandparent. if they aren't choosing and paying for it then it's not from them so the whole thing is a charade for people with more time and money than sense.

Original poster

MarieFromStMoritz · 06/04/2011 02:19

So Stormfromeast, you do all that for her and she can't even get you a birthday card? I am shocked at that. Why on earth do you do it? I would not get her anything ever if that is how she behaves.

Note: it's not about the presents or the food or the flowers... it's about good manners and feeling cared about and respected.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 06/04/2011 07:39

Stormfromeast I think you need to put a stop to this. I'd let my DH buy her a birthday present and a Christmas present from the whole family and they would be token presents, not expensive ones. And that's the most she'd get from us and only then if my DH could be bothered to go and get them! She is not entitled to respect and consideration if she doesn't have the manners to be respectful and considerate back. Being old doesn't mean she is exempt from having manners.

If she complains about your lack of gifts, then I'd not hold back in telling her why things had changed. Agree it is madness to expect presents from the children. Hope you don't spend Christmas with her.

Stormfromeast · 06/04/2011 08:18

Karma and MarieFromStMoritz
DH and his siblings are terrified of her, It is like if she barks, they'll jump. I thought I'm supporting my DH because it's not fair to make life difficult for him. If things don't go her way, she'll say things like "your poor mum is being deprived of ...". It sickens me to hear this. But there are signs that tide is turning. DH is starting to talk back. No phone calls in the last two weeks. Bliss.

Bonsoir · 06/04/2011 08:25

I wouldn't have bothered trying so hard to please people who were always going to dislike me in the first place. Keep your PILs at arm's length and you will be a lot happier.

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