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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why I can't drive?

85 replies

leftitlate · 03/04/2011 18:34

I've spent thousands of pounds on lessons and still can't seem to grasp how to drive. Don't get me wrong I can get from A to B, but if it comes to parking or trying to reverse round a corner I'm hopeless. Have no idea which way to turn the wheel and get all flustered...

I've been going out in the car with DH which is good but today I swung so wide round a road I almost hit a stationery car.

I am 40 years old, I have a phd and have a professional job. I manage to look after the dcs and yet I can't drive. I watch programmes like the Only Way is Essex and wonder how the not very bright people on there can drive. Even the most unintelligent people can drive a car.

AIBU to wonder what the hell is wrong with me, that I cant manage this basic skill?

OP posts:

Iggly · 03/04/2011 19:02

Yanbu - although I only took one test and passed, I started learning at 19, gave up then picked it up again at 29. Felt like I should be able to get it as I am "clever". However my problem was (and still is) massively over thinking things. Although once I started talking to my instructor and asking him questions it became easier. For example when turning into a road he told me to do it when my wing mirror was in a certain place. Now I do it without thinking but before I'd overthink and get it wrong. Same with manueveres - although still not great!
Also when out on the road, I tend to worry what other people are thinking of my driving and rush things. Whereas if I drive slightly more carefully and give myself a second to think, it really helps. I had a few scares on lessons but my instructor was great, really relaxed about them - and would take me over the same places again and again (I developed a phobia of a particular roundabout!)

I'd keep trying but maybe change how you're learning - eg ask questions, find little methods to help you.

Original poster

leftitlate · 03/04/2011 19:09

Yes I do over analyse, and will spend hours beating myself up. Like with the roundabout, I go over and over in my head what I did wrong and why, how I can do it next time etc. I'll ask my driving instructor why he thinks I've stalled the car for eg and spend hours analysing that.... It's exhausting.

OP posts:

hoolabombshell · 03/04/2011 19:09

Oh my god I sympathise, at 38 I get such a ribbing from family and friends about not having my licence yet. I have had lessons in the past and have really enjoyed driving, however for some reason I dread stalling, handbrake starts etc. so much that it just put me off the whole thing! I tell myself I will get my licence before 40 though, I feel as if the longer I leave it the harder it will become and I will become more timid.

Journey · 03/04/2011 19:10

Your need to understand the "space" factor. What I mean by this is when you're a competent drive you intuitively know the size of your car and have a visual understanding of how much room your car will take up in a space etc. This takes time to learn.

You need to learn to visualise space factors from a driver's seat as opposed to a pedestrian who has a much clearer view since they can see the whole of the car.

Again with the wheels you need to visualise where you want them to go so you know which way to turn the steering wheel.

Once you've improved your visual awareness you'll be away. Good luck.

working9while5 · 03/04/2011 19:12

I think something like hypnotherapy or even CBT might help. The problem is that, unlike an academic piece of work, analysing a situation that's gone really doesn't tend to help. The situation is ever changing and not all other drivers comply with the rules.. so if you become fixated on perfecting your own performance, you forget basics etc and you are slow to respond to the mistakes of others. It's more of an instinctive, learned skill I reckon, less about crossing 't's' and dotting 'i's'.

Original poster

leftitlate · 03/04/2011 19:12

I would seriously swap one of my degrees for a driving license.
Journey that is sound advice, I do need to understand about where I want the wheels to go. My instructor is always going on about this 'which way do you want the car to go' he asks while I'll look at him blankly trying to work out how I get the wheels to turn left....

OP posts:

jimpisone · 03/04/2011 19:14

This is just an idea, but there's no chance you could be dyspraxic is there? My dh is and it took a while for him to pass. Once he'd told his instructor I think he taught him slightly differently too.

He's a great and very safe driver now btw, so don't worry about being unsafe on the roads!

working9while5 · 03/04/2011 19:14

Me too!

DeWe · 03/04/2011 19:14

Try taking your test witha young male examiner at 38 weeks pregnant. He wanted me out of the car asap. Told me not to worry as he knew where the nearest hospital was.
I think the first thing he said on seeing me was "I don't think we'll do the emergency stop!"
Intimidated into passing me I reckon.

hogsback · 03/04/2011 19:20

I always suggest track time to people who are nervous drivers. It's worked for everyone I know who's done it - they've all gone on to be much more relaxed in lessons and ended up passing. And it's not expensive compared to dozens of lessons and failed tests.

Original poster

leftitlate · 03/04/2011 19:21

hogsback, what is tracktime?

OP posts:

working9while5 · 03/04/2011 19:21

I don't know if the OP is nervous, though? I am not at all nervous but I will second-guess my decision half-way through making it which makes me look nervous. It's not fear of the road/other drivers/speed.. it's fear of getting it wrong. I wonder if thats the same for you, OP?

idontlikemondays · 03/04/2011 19:24

I was a later learner (26 when I passed) and having intensive lessons worked for me, a lot of it is practice and being confident behind the wheel. I failed the first test after my intensive course but passed the next time with a refresher day (was actually my 4th test in total over the years). It was one of the most terrifying things ever, on a par with finals and giving birth I reckon!

A lot of it is also down to the instructor, my first two were pretty bad, and I also drove with DH which just made me more confused and demoralised if I'm totally honest. Being in the car for a day at a time with a really good instructor who gave me confidence really helped.

working9while5 · 03/04/2011 19:28

26 - older! (Hollow laughter)

hogsback · 03/04/2011 19:30

left time on a racetrack. There are lots of trackdays aimed specifically at learners with additional maneuvers marked out with cones and instructors onsite. It enables you to get complete confidence in car control and spatial awareness without also having to hazard assessment as you would on the road.

The problem with learning on the road is you have to learn two things simultaneously: car control and roadcraft. By learning car control on the track first and developing the motor skills/engrams to control a vehicle without conscious thought, you can then fully devote yourself to learning roadcraft on the road.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 03/04/2011 19:34

I failed three times, I think for some people it just takes longer to automate actions so you need lots more practice (in a calm environment).

Have you tried thinking through driving when you are a passenger? I mean running in your head what you would be doing if you were driving - which way you would be turning the wheel etc.

shakey1500 · 03/04/2011 19:36

Some people can't and shouldn't drive drive, me included. Close to my heart as I hadn't driven for about 15 years until last week. I'm still useless! Though it could (and probably will be) said that it's to be expected after a 15 year gap but, seriously, I was just as rubbish back then. I have zilch spacial awareness, can't park, can't gauge how close to the kerb/parked cars I am, can't join a dual carriageway etc etc. It's a wonder I passed the test at all.

Put me on a stage in front of hundreds of people I am as cool as a cucumber. Put me behind a wheel of a car and I am a bag of nerves. Plus, I hate it, cannot find a single thing about the whole experience that I enjoy.

Original poster

leftitlate · 03/04/2011 19:40

Yes, also hollow laughter at 26! God I wish I'd started learing when I was younger and before I got 'academic' maybe I'd have picked the damn thing up quicker.

It causes me huge embarrassement especially as everyone in my social circle and at work can drive and assume that I can too. The number of times I've been asked if I can drive to the airport (for courses I attend abroad) and pick up colleagues on the way, well, just for once i'd like to say 'no problem' rather than mumble about how much more relaxing it is to get a taxi...

OP posts:

FlaminGreatGallah · 03/04/2011 19:42

I do that Helen when DH is driving. I am kicking myself for not having paid attention to the road earlier. The only trouble is whereas I used to sit in the car as if I was on a train I'm now getting to be a pain in the arse when I ask DH why he didn't indicate when he should have for example

Have learned a lot doing this actually in a relatively safe way. I was practising putting the parking brake on and covering the gas at traffic lights last week, doing the physical actions in the correct order as I'd done with my instructor.

Except where we were first at the lights when I was actually driving, in DH's car I was behind a queue. Lights changed, release handbrake, gas and away and... straight into the car in front would I have gone

QueenStromba · 03/04/2011 19:43

I also have a very academic brain and it held me back a lot when I was learning. Having an instructor who expected me to get a feeling for it didn't help either and I did a lot better when I changed to an instructor who gave me rules to follow. I think a big part of my problem was that I had the attitude that I was smart and so driving should be easy for me which really just put a lot of extra pressure on me. You really need to stop over thinking everything and beating yourself up over your mistakes. I almost never stall these days but I can guarantee you that if I got in the car and started thinking about stalling then I would.

BeerTricksPotter · 03/04/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

working9while5 · 03/04/2011 19:54

I agree with the attitude thing.

I learned while on mat leave, and in my head, it was going to be A Total Catastrophe for The Entire Family if I didn't pass.

Add that to my feeling of shame at finding it hard when I'm so used to finding learning easy, the constant ribbing by relatives and friends, put-downs by my manager about how I mustn't be committed etc and a baby that never slept and, well, it was hardly likely I was giving myself head space to pass.

I've taken a break for a few months and feel ready to start again, have found a new instructor. I am hoping that now that I have seen that I can cope quite well on public transport with a baby and manage childcare etc it may just change things.

mellicauli · 03/04/2011 19:55

I found it very difficult to learn to drive when I was 18. After a bit, it became apparent that I was used to listening to teachers, analysing and filtering what they said, interpreting it my way.

But this was wrong. I just needed to follow instructions exactly, I found out.

Hope this helps you.

imgonnaliveforever · 03/04/2011 19:55

I took several years and several instructors to learn to drive. I passed when I was 25 but must have had around 10 tests.

With the manouvers, there are ways of being formulaic, eg, turn hard left when you see the other car at this part of your window, etc. But with general driving you've just got to stick with it I'm afraid. Avoid dipping in and out as you don't make any progress.

You need at least one professsional lesson a week, maybe two lessons a week, for a few months and then you will see the difference. Don't just drive with your DH as he is not an instructor. It may seem cheaper but really being able to drive and being able to teach someone else are not the same thing. If you can afford the time and money, set aside two months for lessons and then see how you go.

FlaminGreatGallah · 03/04/2011 20:00

It's horrible to feel pressured working9while5. I'm learning with BSM via a grant from a charity (DS is disabled) and my instructor is amazing but twice in one week a man from BSM rang up questioning why I am not test-ready after 12 hours in an automatic, as if I am some sort of imbecile.

Er, my son has never slept through the night in four years and I have two children with health problems. We have also had snow so sometimes I have had to cancel and lose some of my allotted hours. You'd think they would be a bit more understanding.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing

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