Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To mention to DDs teacher that a classmate appears to have hygiene issues

115 replies

Crazybit · 03/04/2011 13:04

or shall I mind my own business?

DD1 is in year 6 and is always mentioning that a girl in her glass stinks. I feel really sorry for the girl. Her mum doesn't seem the type of person I could approach so would it be really wrong to mention it to DDs teacher and perhaps suggest a little chat with the whole class about the importance of person hygiene? I also wonder if the girl has an infection of some type as DD says she smells of fish and her knickers are often black from urine, I assumed meaning she hasn't wiped after going to the loo.

Or should I keep stum and tell DD to stop being so horrible and keep her mouth shut about it?

OP posts:
babybythesea · 03/04/2011 14:25

I would try and have a quiet, confidential word with the teacher.

One of two things could happen:
a) They turn out to be unaware of it, and as a result start looking into it (from here, it could turn out to be neglect or similar, or the school could themselves find out that there is a medical problem which is being dealt with, or something else that is equally unconcerning)
b) They are well aware of it and know that either it is nothing to worry about (she's already seeing a GP for example) or that SS are already involved.

Either way, if you say nothing, school are unaware, and then something serious turns out to be going on, the same people who are now saying 'say nothing, it's interfering' will be wondering where all the adults were when this child was in danger. Best to be told that it's all in hand than to say nothing and leave a child in what could be a neglectful, or worse, situation.

Doormat - I agree with you in that it doesn't necessarily indicate abuse or neglect and making those assumptions is maybe a step too far. BUT, I also think that assuming everything is fine is not a good thing - it may be, but if it's not and you do nothing is that not worse? The implications for the child if people assume she's fine and she's not are huge.
At the very least, if the child has hygiene problems, her parents are aware and do their best to get her sorted and clean first thing, they may not be aware that her hygiene deteriorates during the day and a talk with school could mean they put in a plan to change her undies at lunchtime or something.

The other thing I can see as a problem is that it might not be enough to tell the kids not to make nasty comments - if one child smells the others are often reluctant to play with them and this girl could end up very isolated. Again, school may not notice (Year 6 - I don't know how closely they'd be watched at lunchtime for example) - may just lead to school taking more notice for a bit and then deciding for themselves.

You've got nothing to lose by saying something, and the child has everything to lose if you don't.

doormat · 03/04/2011 14:28

baby i agree with you ....but i do not agree with the black niks nitty gritty...this is unsubstantiated gossip that could lead this poor girl into isolation....and seems like it already has...

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 14:29

Mention it to the teacher.
Dont assume that this is being sorted already. Never assume that about a child you are worried about.
Its not nasty or gossipy to talk to the school about a child who is struggling. Its the right thing to do.

No child should have to smell and be talked about at school. Her family may be lovely but not coping, they may be horrible and dont give a toss about her and anything in between.

The issue is that this poor child smells enough to be talked about and she needs help.

Mention it to the teacher and let the welfare officer deal with it properly. If they already know you are not going to do any harm. If they know but are not doing anything you might give them the kick up the arse they need. if they are unaware you may well be saving this child from more misery.

dexifehatz · 03/04/2011 14:43

Doormat,if you were a nursery nurse at my school you wouldn't last five minutes with your attitude.'Interfering guttersnipe'!!You are at best unprofessional and at worst vile.

doormat · 03/04/2011 14:46

dex u need to speak for yourself lovvie...ur attitude is disgusting

dexifehatz · 03/04/2011 14:58

I think you'll find it's spelt 'luvvie' and please do not take that childish tone with me.Are you seriously asking somebody not to voice their concerns over a childs welfare because 'the teacher has probably noticed'? Fair enough,I shouldn't have called you vile,that was uncalled for but don't think that the teacher knows everything!

dexifehatz · 03/04/2011 14:59

I think you'll find it's spelt 'luvvie' and please do not take that childish tone with me.Are you seriously asking somebody not to voice their concerns over a childs welfare because 'the teacher has probably noticed'? Fair enough,I shouldn't have called you vile,that was uncalled for but don't think that the teacher knows everything!

doormat · 03/04/2011 15:09

dex i do know how to spell, no i am not, i am asking people not to make assumptions that it is neglect or sexual abuse because a child smells...

there are too many holes in this and i think the op should of explained all the facts first before everyone jumped the gun...

i do actually love my profession and take my job role extremely serious...as you are also in the profession you must of noticed that sometimes children come in and stink...even though you know for a fact they have been bathed as previous days activities have been foot painting, shaving foam etc etc...

the reasons why they stink are also diverse eg...pets, the car, public transport, strong wee etc etc but that does not necessarily mean the child is being a victim of abuse....

my argument is that the nitty gritty about black niks etc is really gossip and unsubstantiated....it could be rumours and vicious playground talk from children that has esculated

RunAwayWife · 03/04/2011 15:13

I would speak to the teacher, poor girl, she may know she is smelly but might have issues at home

PonceyMcPonce · 03/04/2011 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atswimtwolengths · 03/04/2011 15:28

I think you should say something to the teacher. I really feel for this girl. There is no quicker way to be ostracised in school.

Maybe the teacher has already noticed, in which case I'd hope she had spoken to the girl and her mother.

It is a sign of neglect - not necessarily wilful neglect, but neglect all the same. As has been said, there might be a number of different reasons, but the fact is that this child isn't being cared for in the way she should be and this is causing her to lose friends.

As for babies/toddlers 'stinking' first thing in the morning - a baby who is freshly bathed and with clean clothes won't stink unless they need their nappy changed. Once changed, they will no longer smell. Obviously if, as someone said, they have an infection then that will smell bad, but otherwise they won't smell bad if they have been washed.

louloudia · 03/04/2011 15:29

there was a boy in my class when i was at secondary who had some illness that made him smell fishy

dont know what it was but know that he carried a bag everywhere he went so probably incontinence of some sort

Zellys · 03/04/2011 15:31

I wasn't smelly per se at that age but I was struggling terribly - my mother has major MH issues and had a breakdown when I was 11, my dad hid his head in the sand and I was so jumpy and paranoid (having been raised by a paranoid mother to believe I was always being watched and judged), that I acted out really badly at school. I remember my hair was all matted underneath and I wore the same clothes over and over again so maybe I did smell.

I know my classmates talked about me to their parents. It was an affluent area, fee-paying school.

Nobody said anything to my teachers. Nobody asked if I was okay, nobody did anything except gossip about my situation (it was village gossip - but nobody reached out to help us).

I really wish someone had done something rather than assume it was already in hand. People have said since that they felt bad for me but didn't know what to do - saying something to the teacher would've been a great start.

Not saying this situation is anything like mine was - but a quiet word with the teacher could do NO harm that I can see - the teacher is a professional. Certainly better than letting this poor girl's aunt(?) gossip about her.

princessparty · 03/04/2011 15:47

I think you should butt out.If it's bad enough for your DD and others to have noticed then why the hell wouldn't school staff have done? You will sound like a right interfering old busybody.
The saddest thing is your DD the cousin and the cousins mum all have a good bitch about this poor little girl

KatieWatie · 03/04/2011 15:55

Who'd be a teacher?? Shock

worraliberty · 03/04/2011 16:00

There was a boy in my year at senior school who apprarently 'smelled'.

He actually didn't smell at all. One nasty child put the rumour around and after that, not a single child would sit next to him Sad

Geistesabwesenheit · 03/04/2011 16:00

I was in a similar situation to Zellys. Just one person speaking to either the teacher or maybe pastoral manager could make a huge difference.

Zellys · 03/04/2011 16:10

Even if nothing had changed, even if I'd reacted badly to being asked if I was okay, I'd be looking back now knowing someone had given a shit.

This situation could be nothing, could be something. I 100% don't see how mentioning it, sensitively, to the teacher or other professional would be a bad thing. If the teacher secretly thinks the OP is being an 'interfering old busybody', so what? The OP will have done the right thing.

It must be so lonely for the girl, whatever is going on. I think a class talk about hygeine is a terrible terrible idea, kids aren't stupid. But a "I've heard from my DD that X is being picked on because the other kids think she smells, and she's being discussed by the other children - I wanted to let you know", could make all the difference.

If the girl has started her periods and isn't coping with them, that can be fixed easily before secondary school. If she has a medical problem, her parents will know to tell her new teachers ahead of time and she can be taught not to be ashamed and to explain to her classmates if necessary. What's happening at the moment is just going to shame and isolate her.

Original poster
Crazybit · 03/04/2011 16:12

Zelly-thank you for your input and sorry that you went through that.

Doormat-I gave what I thought was the relevant 'facts' as I know them and was simply wondering what other people thought would be the right course of action, or not. Also, i did not once mention that I thought she was being abused or neglected.

Princessparty-I do not know if the cousins mum was 'bitching' as I wasn't there. My dd and her friends may habe been bitching but at the same time there was an element of concern or she wouldn't have kept mentioning it.

Worraliberty-I do not believe this is simply a nasty rumour, my DD has enough to talk about with me and her friends without entering into nasty bullying talk.

For all those that have not tried to make me into a nasty interfering busybody, I thank you for your input. I will have a work with the teacher and let you all know what she says. I suspect she will simply thank me for letting her know and I will be none the wiser of the outcome. However, at least i will not be worrying over whether should I/shouldn't I any longer and hopefully if there is a problem that is not already being dealt with, it should be at least looked into.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazybit · 03/04/2011 16:14

*word with the teacher not work

OP posts:
JoBettany · 03/04/2011 16:54

Crazybit - as a teacher of some 20 years experience I would thank you for your information. I would not think you were interfering. You clearly care enough about this child to worry about her. You have done nothing wrong.

Niecie · 03/04/2011 16:54

Doormat - you say that you don't think this girl is being neglected but you do think she might be being bullied. Surely, the fact that she is being bullied is reason enough to speak to the teacher? The teacher may well not be aware of it - bullies are, after all, pretty sneaky and are smart enough not to get caught easily.

I would also point out that you work in a nursery with small children who have presumably wear nappies and have related accidents or are just plain smelly. Of course some of the children would smell a little occasionally, until they have been changed.

You wouldn't expect a 10 yr old to smell though, not one that was properly cared for and had been taught personal hygiene skills appropriate for their age and stage of development.

Lancelottie · 03/04/2011 17:09

I can vouch for the fact that teachers DON'T always notice a child smells. Mine went on a residential trip and wet the bed every night (unexpectedly) so smelt bloody awful by the end of the week, and not one teacher noticed, but every child in the class knew.

Three YEARS later, it's come back to haunt him at secondary, with the result that, oh joy, now he's bedwetting again from misery, so the teasing cuts right to the bone.

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 17:11

I went through a short period of smelling at school. I regularly washed, but because of lack of money I had very few clothes - 2 pairs of trousers, no skirts. My clothes weren't washed frequently enough and so started to smell.

In my case my parents really didn't seem to notice. I was called smelly at school and finally plucked up the courage to tell my mum. She said she couldn't smell me and then asked how long I had been wearing trousers and blouse. When I said 2 weeks, she said, oh you probably do smell then!

I got her to allow me to use the twin tub washing machine and from then on I didn't have a problem. But I wasn't being abused, was well fed and loved. But it would have been good if someone had talked to my mum earlier pointing out the problem. And my teachers did absolutely nothing - so don't assume this girl's will have.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/04/2011 17:19

There was a girl in my class in 4th year juniors who was a bit whiffy. People called her names.

I swear I didn't join in the name-calling, and I always sat next to her. Through choice incidentally not some charitable bollocks - I liked her!

Years later I bumped into her. She described how her dad (a widower) had really struggled. And had a go at me for bullying her. Like I said, I swear I took no part in the bullying but clearly one of us remembered things inaccurately.

Sorry, this is a self-indulgent ramble. Thing is though, if one of us had talked to our parents, and they'd talked to the school, and the school had given a fuck, maybe her dad would've got the nudge he needed and this girl would've had a far happier childhood.