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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think first before making an opinion on a child's/mums behavior?

51 replies

goodbyemrschips · 03/04/2011 08:21

I have been reading a few threads this morning about people that are in shops and other people making comments about their child's behavior.

Some were playing with toys in tesco, and another was child rolling on the floor in a fabric shop. Each comments were made to them by other people.

When I am out shopping or indeed in work [i work in a large store] and see what appears to be a naughty child that won't listen to mum or a mum shouting at the child, I think to myself

a....Is he always that naughty?

b...maybe he didn't have a good nights sleep

c....maybe he is hungry.....etc etc etc

d.....maybe mum is tired

e..... maybe mum feels poorly

f....... and a dozen other things.

So if you see a scene in a shop think twice and have some sympathy there could be a good reason why tensions are high at that certain moment.

OP posts:

shimmerysilverglitter · 03/04/2011 08:27

Totally agree. Majority of the time my kids play up or I snap it is because they are coming down with something or are overtired or ds is having an asd meltdown. If a snap it us usually at the end if a very long day of tantrums and pita behaviour.

Have often thought this when being on the receiving end of judgemental looks or huffing and puffing.

Okonomiyaki · 03/04/2011 08:28

Yes but this is AIBU. For god's sake don't start being all reasonable. Where's the fun in that?

booandbump · 03/04/2011 08:31

I agree. When DD was about 18months we were in the checkout queue in Tesco and DD was holding my husbands hand whilst I loaded the shopping a man accidently knocked her over. She landed on her face started crying very loudly. The lady behind me hadn't seen what had happened and I heard her say "Someone shut that fucking child up!"

I'm not proud to say I lost it and told her what had happened. I then offered to knock her on the face and see if she kept quiet!

posypoo · 03/04/2011 08:32

I haven't seen the posts, but as a new mum I have had lots of people coming up to me in the past year and telling me what to do about my LO crying (after two seconds of her doing so, often), and I find that really annoying.

I have no doubt I'll experience the same when I have a screaming toddler and hope that people will mind their own business and let me get on with my day as best as I can.

Tisallafaff · 03/04/2011 08:32

I am usually just thinking 'thank god it's not mine' because it often is. I have perfected a sympathetic expression for these occasions.

maddy68 · 03/04/2011 08:33

I actually think For gods sake get your ferel kids under control!
My son has adhd so can be a real pain when in shops etc I woudl NEVER allow him to be off playing with the toys or rolling on the floor, Its not fair to the shop where things can become damaged and its not fair to the customers buying a now 'used' toy full of sticky finger marks

Mishy1234 · 03/04/2011 08:35

Totally agree. If it's not one of mine that day, it will be the next. Children often have meltdowns about nothing, no matter how hard you try. It just seems to be an age thing as far as I can see.

Tisallafaff · 03/04/2011 08:39

I think OP is making the point that the child is probably not 'feral,' that there may well be more going on than is obvious to the observer and that it is not helpful in anyway to comment.

saffy85 · 03/04/2011 08:41

Agree. When I witness stuff like this I tend to think bored child/mum at the end of her tether. Hell, I am that mum. On a daily basis right now.

Infact, if you do happen to see a harrassed heavily pregnant mum losing her rag in Sainsburys while a girl aged about 3 run rings around me, feel free to judge, but maybe consider that I'm pretty brassed off myself.

Bunbaker · 03/04/2011 08:43

I agree. I have a friend who has a son on the autistic spectrum and his behaviour to someone who doesn't know is somewhat questionable. It has made me be far less judgemental about other people's children. I think that most of these tut tutters probably don't have children.

Original poster

goodbyemrschips · 03/04/2011 08:45

TISALLA..........EXACTLY We never know what has gone on in the previous 24 hours in someones life.

OP posts:

hecate · 03/04/2011 08:48

It depends. I see people pulling the whole -it's only a snapshot, you don't know the situation, maybe the mum had bad news, maybe the dad's having a bad day, perhaps they're a loving family, you can't judge....

when someone has witnessed a child being whacked right in the gob. or someone has witnessed a child trashing something while the parents stands on, smiling indulgently, or someone has witnessed a child attacking another child while the parent insists they are a sweet little darling just expressing themselves...

oh no, must not judge, ever. To judge is horrible. To look at unacceptable behaviours and identify them as such is a dreadful thing.

Well sorry, but sometimes people deserve to be judged.

So, imo, you can't have a 'make all possible excuses for unacceptable behaviour' policy. Sometimes it is just plain Not On.

Unpopular Opinion No. 430052 was brought to you by Hecate Productions.

Original poster

goodbyemrschips · 03/04/2011 08:51

witnessed a child being whacked right in the gob. or someone has witnessed a child trashing something while the parents stands on, smiling indulgently, or someone has witnessed a child attacking another child while the parent insists they are a sweet little darling just expressing themselves...

Not the sort of behavior I was talking about at all.

And I would judge at these but I still would not say anything, unless of course I thought the child was in danger.

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 03/04/2011 08:52

Goodness, that's a long checklist you have.

It would depend on the situation for me. The kid getting all the toys out on the floor I thought was wrong as they are for other people to buy and the situation was a bit odd in that it wasn't at an age to choose flowers and the dad could have taken it back to the car.

The rolling around in the fabric shop one, my children are past that age but I always used to make some joke to the parent about how they all do it but it's better when it's somebody's elses turn. I can't understand why people with other pre-schoolers act like that as they all have their moments.

Bucharest · 03/04/2011 08:54

Oh I always think first.

A lot.

Then I judge.

Goblinchild · 03/04/2011 08:56

I'm not denying that all young children lose the plot and have tantrums, sometimes in public places.
The difference seems to be in how the adults respond to the behaviour, and that's where the judging and differences of opinion clash.

junojuno · 03/04/2011 08:58

I only ever seem to have lovely people on supermarkets.

When DS1 was a toddler he used to have terrible tantrums in supermarkets about sitting on the trolley. One old lady was once do kind I actually cried. It was along the lines of 'they all do it dear but it's hard on you isn't it'

I am also eternally grateful to the man behind the fish counter who snapped DS out of his tantrum by doing a comedy routine with a dead fish

hecate · 03/04/2011 08:58

I know. I was using extreme examples, which was probably a bit naughty of me but I disagree with the whole Never Judge thing. I think it's part of the reason the country is going to hell in a handbasket. Everyone makes excuses for everything. AND nobody gives a crap about the impact of their actions on those around them. AND people can do what they like on the grounds that they might be having a bad day? Well sorry, but your bad day is not anyone else's problem and nobody actually gives a crap when it affects them. Harsh but true. I learned that the hard way.

But it would be nice to live in a country where people considered the effects their behaviour and choices had on those around them. And it would be nice to live in a country where people weren't mean to their kids because they'd had a bad day. Sad that it's understandable to have a bad day and take it out on the kids. If a man had a bad day at work and came home and took it out on his wife in the same way that you hear described on here under the whole "might have had a bad day" thing (hitting, yelling, pushing, pulling etc) then the cries of DV would be deafening. Yet because it's a parent to a child, we are supposed to think kindly of the parent because they might be lovely, just going through a hard time.

babybythesea · 03/04/2011 09:03

I also do a 'sympathetic' face too! My dd (2 - just) doesn't yet realise that it is possible to walk by herself round a supermarket - she has always been confined to a trolley, so hasn't caused mayhem to other people yet. Doesn't mean she's angelic though -it's just it's usually me she's causing problems for! Isn't it amazing what they can swipe from a shelf while you are looking the other way? (Although trying to leave the Early Learning Centre and the toys they put out for the kids to 'try' is a whole other story!) However, I managed to totally mistime a supermarket run the other day. After a busy morning of errands I got to the shop at lunchtime - decided to go ahead anyway as dd usually sleeps in the afternoon. I figured it would be better to keep going, rather than go home, have her fall asleep and end up with no food in the house - and we live about 30 mins from the nearest big shop so popping back isn't a good option. I also knew she was likely to be getting tired and hungry and it might therefore be a difficult trip! But, she was fine, although she did start asking for some food as we got to the checkout. So I gave her a biscuit. The lady at the checkout watched, then turned to me and said 'I can see she's got you exactly where she wants you.' And it wasn't said in a jokey way. Her eyebrows had about hit the ceiling. I was really put out. Dd hadn't cried, she had asked nicely, it was lunchtime and she was hungry and I had mistimed the outing (although the lady wasn't to know this) but hey - back off. If my dd is hungry and I've messed up being home at lunchtime then I should be able to give her something to keep her going without the judgey pants being hoiked up.
The other thing that always strikes me is that you can be strict as you like, but there is still a learning process on their part. I kind of figure that for them to know you will not tolerate bad behaviour out, they've got to have done it and found out the hard way! Which means you are likely to have at least 2 majorly humiliating outings while they try it on, find it's not getting them anywhere and give up! Or you don't take them out and get it all done at home but I'm not being a hermit while I wait for my dd to understand I mean what I say. So no, I don't let her do things like rolling on the floor, but it doesn't mean she doesn't try (I think back to the Early Learning Centre incident and shuuder!) - she's going to have to learn that it doesn't get her anywhere but please don't make comments while I'm trying to teach her that! It really doesn't help.

Bucharest · 03/04/2011 09:04

What Hecate said.

I have actually never seen any "old bags" being vile to young parents with children in supermarkets....(which is why I tend to take those threads with a pinch of salt and presume the parents in question were allowing their children to do god know's what in order to provoke the old-bag reaction.

I also tend to assume that older people for many and varied reasons, are probably having a lot worse time of it than young, healthy, all-their-life-in-front-of-them young parents. One of the things I hate about MN is the ageism that is creeping in. Old people seem to be becoming the new target of every wrath. Substitute "old bag" for "black woman" or "Eastern European" or "disabled" person "having a go at me and I wanted to thump her" and you'd soon (quite rightly) be run out of (MN)town. But slag off the elderly? Oh, that's OK.

Original poster

goodbyemrschips · 03/04/2011 09:05

I was not talking the extreme though. Just the odd little tantrum or harsh word.

For the record I agree that a lot of people always have an excuse for bad behavior, but sometimes we should be concentrating on our own family and not worrying or judging other peoples.

After all unless you want to ring the police or SS you won't be able to change anything.

OP posts:

noodle69 · 03/04/2011 09:07

I agree with you OP. I work with children and have seen every child at some point have a tantrum, roll on floor etc. When I see it happen I say something/look sympathetic or just ignore it and let them do it themselves.

I just see a mum/dad trying their best to care for her child. The last thing they need is you poking your nose on to tell them what they should be doing in a condesending manner just to make themselves feel a bit superior.

Goblinchild · 03/04/2011 09:09

You might change things though, if a bit of judging makes someone reconsider what as happening and if they ought to chnge their response.
Rather like teaching children that actions have consequences.

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 09:09

I would never judge a situation where a child is misbehaving/having a tantrum, etc. But I would judge the parent if their non reaction or reaction to the child was really not on. So I have heard mothers say things like "shut up you little shit" to crying toddlers or insist loudly that their 4/5 year old is too young to know what he is doing - as he bites another chils.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to judge parents in some situations.

HipHopopotomus · 03/04/2011 09:19

I'd never dream of or bother saying anything in most circumstances. Wld inwardly roll my eyes at the ferals though :) but most would I guess.

I did ask a mum to get her 2 big (perhsps 8) boys off their bikes once - they were racing very quickly round a small busy playground. Not only was it a no bikes zone, it was so dangerous to the oodles of toddlers there. Lots of other parents were visibly upset but I was the one who confronted her. I was furious and my blood was boiling (plus I really hate confronting people) but still I managed to be polite. I stood next to her until she acted though - got lots of grateful smiles from other parents.

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