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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think first before making an opinion on a child's/mums behavior?

51 replies

goodbyemrschips · 03/04/2011 08:21

I have been reading a few threads this morning about people that are in shops and other people making comments about their child's behavior.

Some were playing with toys in tesco, and another was child rolling on the floor in a fabric shop. Each comments were made to them by other people.

When I am out shopping or indeed in work [i work in a large store] and see what appears to be a naughty child that won't listen to mum or a mum shouting at the child, I think to myself

a....Is he always that naughty?

b...maybe he didn't have a good nights sleep

c....maybe he is hungry.....etc etc etc

d.....maybe mum is tired

e..... maybe mum feels poorly

f....... and a dozen other things.

So if you see a scene in a shop think twice and have some sympathy there could be a good reason why tensions are high at that certain moment.

OP posts:

babybythesea · 03/04/2011 09:19

Hecate - I do agree with you too! I tend to judge not so much on the child's behaviour but on what the adult is doing. If the adult is clearly trying to manage it (even if they are not achieving their aim) I try not to judge - I am trying to find a good technique for managing one or two aspects of my dd's behaviour at the moment - doesn't mean I like what she's doing, or plan to let her get away with it, but the things I've read about and tried don't make much of an impact on her. Maybe if the adult is doing nothing about it, or just smiling indulgently, then judging is ok! But comments like 'get that child under control' when i am clearly struggling to do just that are not useful. She will learn, but she's a strong willed little madam (gets it from her mother I'm afraid) and is fairly single minded - jollying along, distraction etc don't often work and when my best stern voice fails, I start running out of options. Humiliation city! Because, of course, trying to ignore it rather than feed into it, as we are advised to do with unwanted behaviour, is right where I'd be judging myself for 'letting that child get away with it'. Hmmm.

I would like to add a disclaimer that my dd rarely has tantrums or massive hissy fits. Only in the ELC for some reason not unconnected to our local store providing, among other things, a buggy for the kids to push round while their parent shops. My dd's favourite thing. We just don't go there now! What she does do is dig her heels in and refuse point blank to do anything. And hits me if I persist in trying to make her. The joys of the terrible twos!

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 03/04/2011 09:25

Thank you goodbyemrschips! Your post is much appreciated.

My DS was the one rolling on the floor of the fabric shop. I handled it badly at the time and have been pondering it ever since! (It was this morning and it is now evening).

I was knackered this morning, had about 5 hours sleep. I was trying to get the kids ready to take food shopping and then a quick whizz to fabric shop for the final binding for DS's quilt. It took me 3/4 an hour to get out of the door from the time of trying to get their shoes on to driving off. OH was staying at home to have a bit of "me time" as he has been really busy. He could see it was taking me ages and instead of helping he just started doing his own thing.
The entire way round the supermarket DS was yelping, screaming, asking for lollypops etc etc. I kept telling him to keep the volume down. Generally he likes going to shops though (honest).
I got them in the car with the shopping, gave them a couple of biscuits as they were hungry (bad food choice I suppose) and then went to fabric shop. Cue DS rolling around on the floor, trying to crawl away, running away etc.
As I said in the thread, I should have explained to him what was going to happen, but I didn't. When we were in the shop I kept running after him and picking him up off the floor etc. He can be quite floppy when he wants so this was quite hard work!
What the woman said was the last straw - it was aimed at me, I know it was, I could tell by the look on her face, but I should have ignored it.

Someone in the other thread said that it is me who feels bad about my parenting skills and I choose to, not the woman making me feel bad. I will tell you this: OH said after I had been home a while and we were getting at each other, that I had no control over my emotions and no control over the kids. So, I have been told categorically about my bad parenting skills.

To the person with the son who has ADHD - it must be hard to deal with, but you probably have strategies in place that you have planned beforehand. However, I am not sure I believe that you have never let your child get out of control.

Also, for the record, DS is hard of hearing, we lost one of his hearing aids so he has to work harder to hear, which makes him tired. Possibly why he is a bit more stroppy these days - not justifying, just saying.

Self-justification over.

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 09:35

Children have tantrums and behave badly. As parents we are all learning how to bring up a child and sometimes not surprisingly we get it wrong. Rilly i wouldn't have judged you because you were trying to control your DS's behaviour. Although I am a bit shocked at what your OH said to you! Not at all supportive.

Toughasoldboots · 03/04/2011 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelsOnHigh · 03/04/2011 09:40

I was in the queue at the Library last week. (Usually use automatic scanner but had a query).

Two small boys were running up and down the stairs and touching (no banging the keyboard on the computers).

Mum was in the queue behind me and dad was looking absolutely miserable trying to contain two small boys. Mum hissed "I told you to take them outside".

Went outside for 2 seconds and then they were back.

I turned to mum and said "Don't worry about them. They are not being noisy, they are not hurting themselves, they are not hurting anyone else.

(Annoying is not the same as hurting).

Everyone in the queue agreed. The look of relief on the faces of the parents was priceless.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 09:41

Well my boy in the Co op sat on a childs garden swing as I was paying for shopping(not alot I could do without holding up other people behind me I said once to ds"come here and got a no in return)and I heard a woman from another que say loudy to her daughter "oh you dont do things like that do you your a good girl aint you ,we don't allow things like that to go on in our house

Needless to say I went a bit mad.I'm shy but when it comes to my kids i'm shy no more.I said if the co op dont want kids sitting on it they should keep it away from the aisles or put it higher up like they do with everything else.By the way he was just in awe that a chair could swing and gently swung it and sat down on it.He wasnt rough with it atall.I decided not to buy it in the end as she embarrased me(i had been thinking of buying it because ds loved it so much)

Toughasoldboots · 03/04/2011 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 10:04

What am I supposed to do then hold up a whole que whist taking him away from it every 5secs.Toddlers love colourful things.My ds is a very good boy and knows not to touch things Toddler phase is harder to install it.People aways say how well behaved he is.

Goblinchild · 03/04/2011 10:07

Aren't swings supposed to be secured to the ground before being used? Which is why there are warnings about not sitting on them in the shop.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 10:09

Nope no warnings on it.Just a price tag

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 10:17

Haha I take the flames on the chin.I've got a good boy that done that one thing as a toddler.I'm quite lucky if thats the only thing he's done.My dd on the other hand well i'm dreading it tbh

Goblinchild · 03/04/2011 10:19

He sounds fine, not disruptive or bothersome at all. Just experimental!

babybythesea · 03/04/2011 10:24

I feel for you Daisy - I can see my toddler doing the same thing! I can see me using my best commanding voice, her saying 'no' and me then trying to work out which option I go for:
a) Enforce what I say with my toddler, which would be my gut instinct, but would hold up the queue while I went and got her and told her that she had to listen to me, ensuring that half the queue got annoyed because they were being held up
b) Ignore my toddler for the moment, paying for shopping as fast as possible so as not to inconvenience other people, and risk the other half of the queue being annoyed because I'm allowing my toddler to run riot!

It's one reason that I haven't let my toddler find out that it is possible for her to go round a supermarket without being in a trolley!! So far I haven't had to deal with this but I am sure that as soon as she does, I will be in for trouble. She would also want to play on a swing, she would also look at me and say 'no' loudly. She would be unlikely to cry or throw a tantrum, but she is stubborn and would be unlikely to do as I said. I can only blame myself for my toddler's independence and stubborness though - she gets it all from me. I win the battles but they are hard going and the war is proving to be a long one. She will eventually learn that I mean what I say, but in the meantime, I can see me being in exactly your situation! And I have no idea what I'd do, either.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 10:25

He honestly is a good boy.He just loved that swing :) i'm dreading taking dd though because she tantrums on the pavement on the way to school and in her buggy.Can't win

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 10:35

Ooops oh dont think I made that clear.I didn't mean a swing but a primary coloured garden chair that swings with a parasol a mini version for toddlers

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 10:38

See I agree totally with Hectate.

I also never judge but do get a bit when I see a child being left to behave inappropriatly. You just know the next time they're told no they'll go straight to tantrum as they've learnt it gets them attention or the desired object/ thing they wanted to do.

See daisy in your situation I would have gone over to my DS and said saying no to me was rude. That he wasn't allowed to play on the swing and needs to come to me now. Refusal would have got him picked up and taken with me. I would have kept doing it until I paid and apologised to people in queue for holding them up but he has to learn. ( I have done this btw )No-one can argue about that. DC's tantrum/argue - fact but they have to learn it doesn't get them what they want.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tisallafaff · 03/04/2011 10:48

Yes we need to judge from time to time. Think OP is just saying think first. Unfortunately there are some people (of all ages) who are quick to comment in any situation.

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 10:51

yes silently judging is the way to go

Its human nature to have these thoughts but its when they are expressed unconstructively I feel the mark has been overstepped.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 11:04

Oh dear I hope no one uses my post as debate on should shops keep Children toys away from aisles.That would be embarrasing.I do judge shops i'm not ashamed to admit it and I also judge shops that have those awful rides right next to the doors.Total melt down when we go past them

Tanith · 03/04/2011 11:12

I know the kind of swing you mean, Daisy. I see adults trying out the full size versions, often with no intention of buying. No-one judges them.

DaisyDaresYOU · 03/04/2011 11:15

My dd when she was about 15months in her buggy come out of the shops with jelly babys in her hand.I took them straight back to the shop red faced and embarrased.So i'm not all bad I did tell her off though I don't know why as she wouldn't of understood me.Lol

Original poster

goodbyemrschips · 03/04/2011 12:29

All kids will be bad/excitable/mischievious sometimes.

As said above it is the parents reation that matters.

As it has been mentioned about the person with the son with ADHD, who seems to be handling it well has he NEVER not been naughty?

This is an answer I have heard on several occasions when a child has been naughty and someone [not me] has judged. The mum says ''oh don't worry he has ADHD'' like ''oh thats ok then just let him wreck the shop''

OP posts:

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