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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my mum should have dealt with this?

73 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:04

ok back story is

DS1 has a fb page and a "friend" has repeatedly called him a "Retard" a term I hate.
I left a message on his status which said
DS1 you need to look at who you are friends with if this is what they see as an acceptable way to speak to people.

DS1 deleted my comment today whilst at my mums.
I reposted it and he deleted it again.

I spoke to him in fb chat and he got really cocky so I called him.

I explained to him that it is not a "joke" to be called a retard and it is actually offensive.

He then started talking down to me, all the time my mum was sitting there (he is staying with her) and not once did she say a word to him, I told him I would close his account if he didn't apologise and stop yet he carried on.

AIBU to think my mum whose care he is in should have said "Stop being rude"

and I know she was in the room as when I asked what time he would be home he asked her

OP posts:

Flowerpotmummy · 02/04/2011 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mare11bp · 02/04/2011 23:09

YANBU she should back you up. To ignore it whilst in her care was to tolerate it. He prob thought he was OK to carry on.

But may she have felt awkward and wanted to keep out of it? Is it possible she spoke to him after the call?

This is the kind of thing I imagine my MIL would do to me!

FudgeGirl · 02/04/2011 23:10

YABU. Blimey. None of your business, less so if he's in your "mum's care", whatever that means.

Mare11bp · 02/04/2011 23:10

The FB thing I wouldn't do however - so embarrassing!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/04/2011 23:11

surely a face to face conversation would be preferable

now you are stuck with having issued an ultimatum, will you carry through and close his FB account?

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:11

How old is your son?

hecate · 02/04/2011 23:11

I think that you're his mum and you should have torn him a new one!

But yes, your mum should have backed you up.

I think your handling of it through facebook was never going to end well. You have made him a laughing stock with his mates and what you wrote will have embarrassed him and no doubt he will suffer for it.

Close down his account. You threatened it. you have to do it.

And after all this, you asked him what time he would be home and he told you? You didn't say "home. NOW" and punish him for his rudeness?

but the Q - YABU to say your mum should have DEALT with it. YOU should have dealt with it, your mum should have backed you to the hilt.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2011 23:11

I don't know how old your DS is but if he's not of age he shouldn't even have a FB account. You will have royally embarrassed him though so perhaps he won't bother to post on it anymore. All of this is a non-issue anyway as I'm assuming that you'll follow through with your threat.

Why should your mother police your son's FB account? You're his parent.

JoBettany · 02/04/2011 23:12

Sorry, there are just so many things wrong in your post I hardly know where to start.

Having a go at your DS on fb? Have you thought about going down the old fashioned route and just talking to him?

If you want to admonish him about his friends, don't do it online. It smacks of attention seeking on your part. You also sound extremely immature. Try being a grown up - get off fb and have a discussion with him.

abbierhodes · 02/04/2011 23:12

How old is he? Should he have a facebook page?
You shouldn't need your mum to discipline him for you though. If he was being rude to you, you should deal with it yourself. He is your son after all.

weedle · 02/04/2011 23:13

It's a difficult situation for your mum, it could easily have turned into AIBU to expect my mum to keep out of things while I discipline my son?

I personally wouldn't have commented on a status and certainly wouldn't have reposted it if it had been deleted. A quiet chat face to face where you could explain your concerns would have probably worked.

Also until I joined MN I never thought anyone could find retard offensive. The only way I'd known it used was to describe someone as doing something a bit stupid. Putting diesel in a petrol car, losing phone etc. Honestly never heard of anyone being offended by it.

hecate · 02/04/2011 23:15

For those of us who have children with learning disabilities, having people use it as an insult is rather offensive, weedle. It feels like a slur on our children.

AgentZigzag · 02/04/2011 23:16

Could your mum have been leaving you to talk to him about it and thought you might think she was interfering if she said anything?

If fb is becoming a problem you should follow through with the threat to delete his account.

Or possibly deactivate it until he's earned it back but with strict rules about your keeping an eye on what he's up to on it?

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:16

Calling someone a retard is commonplace language for teens, no matter how offensive some people find it, is used all the time, by children towards each other. If your son is over 13, then he is old enough to have a facebook page, and as it was his friend, not him, who posted the comment, you are just causing him embarassment with his peers by being the interfering mother.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2011 23:17

weedle... the term doesn't mean anything to me either, it's something you do to engines as far as I know and to be honest, there are so many derogatory names that things/people are called, who's to say what's offensive anymore?

Lucyinthepie · 02/04/2011 23:18

I think you need to grow up and deal with your son face-to-face rather than on Facebook. Similarly, unless your mother has custody of your son for some reason, you need to deal with your son yourself. I think your mum was right to keep out of things, rather than getting drawn into "taking sides" and supporting you. You're the parent.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:18

I meant she should have backed me up.
When she has him in her earshot and he was gobbing off at me and being rude then although I did tell him on the phone she should have backed me up. Everything I said to him he repeated after I said it and also he had the phone on loud speaker when I was talking to him.

I had spoken to him yesterday morning and again in the afternoon about this child and his comments and I asked him to remove them or I would comment on the next one. which is what I did. Tbh I am sick of this child leaving comments like this and DS1 having a moan to me about it - simple take him off your friends list!

He has the FB mainly for games, he is going to be 13 in July.

And yes if he doesn't apologise for the way he spoke to me then I will close the account down

OP posts:

Skinit · 02/04/2011 23:18

I think YABU. You commented once which was enough....he deleted it..maning he had read it. You made your point...so why post it again? He's 15...

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/04/2011 23:19

LyingWitch, please may I direct you to hecate's post of 23:15 as an explaination of why language matters

thefirstMrsDeVere · 02/04/2011 23:20

Dont engage with your kids on FB. Its just really very wrong.

YANBU for being upset about the use of the word but it wasnt your DS using it. You really cannot expect him to stop having a friend because he uses a word which is in common use (unfortunately) and he probably doesnt have a clue about the real meaning.

Perhaps your mum was trying to keep out of it? Maybe she didnt agree with you and didnt want to undermine you?

weedle really? Its a very offensive word. Its like invalid, handicapped, imbecile, cretin etc.

Horrible words used to catagorise people based on their cognitive abilites in order to decide if they are worthy of education.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:22

Maybe I am being over sensitive about the word "retard" but I hate it with a vengence always have but especially more so since DS1's dx of aspergers and ODD. I have fought his corner for years when he has suffered bullying etc (many times asking for advice on here about it)

As I said I had already asked him to remove the comment or I would post on it.

OP posts:

weedle · 02/04/2011 23:22

hec I've never heard anyone describe anyone with SN as a retard. Ever. So to me it doesn't have that connotation. Obviously I can understand why if you have that connotation you might find it offensive. I doubt the teens using it have the connotation either

Columbia999 · 02/04/2011 23:22

If he's not 13 till July, then he shouldn't even HAVE a Facebook account.
Minimum age for Facebook

SarkyLady · 02/04/2011 23:22

I think your mum is the least of the problem tbh :(

Newgolddream · 02/04/2011 23:23

Your post is a bit lacking in a few background details - like how old is your DS and what dies being in your Mums care mean? Is he with her permantly, and then why? was he just staying the night etc. And why is it her repsonsibility to intervene when you are the parent, not her? And why did you leave a message on his FB rather than actually speaking to him?

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