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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mum should have dealt with this?

73 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:04

ok back story is

DS1 has a fb page and a "friend" has repeatedly called him a "Retard" a term I hate.
I left a message on his status which said
DS1 you need to look at who you are friends with if this is what they see as an acceptable way to speak to people.

DS1 deleted my comment today whilst at my mums.
I reposted it and he deleted it again.

I spoke to him in fb chat and he got really cocky so I called him.

I explained to him that it is not a "joke" to be called a retard and it is actually offensive.

He then started talking down to me, all the time my mum was sitting there (he is staying with her) and not once did she say a word to him, I told him I would close his account if he didn't apologise and stop yet he carried on.

AIBU to think my mum whose care he is in should have said "Stop being rude"

and I know she was in the room as when I asked what time he would be home he asked her

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/04/2011 23:24

If I was having a go at DD1 in front of my mum about something she'd done, my mum wouldn't dream of saying anything unless I asked her directly.

It's, in a basic way, got nothing to do with her what I pick up DD on.

Do you feel you need back up from someone?

weedle · 02/04/2011 23:24

x-post MrsD nope never knew it was offensive. Never heard it used to describe a person with sn

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/04/2011 23:24

If my dd used the word retartd I would certainly pull her up on it, absolutely. It is offensive.

Mind you I wouildn't have a conversation with her on facebook, hell no. That way madness lies.

I agree that maybe your mum just wanted to keep out of the whole thing.

megapixels · 02/04/2011 23:24

Why on earth didn't you just talk to him instead of commenting on Facebook? Of course he'd delete your comments! What do you expect, that he'd leave what should be a private argument/conversation between you two for all his friends to see?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:25

TFMDV, it'd be the first time she didn't invlove herself if she disagreed tbh!!
Its only when she knows what I am saying is right or she agrees she doesn't get involved. Yesterday she agreed with what I was saying about the comments left on his fb wall by others, tonight she clammed up and never said a word.

Sorry I am more than likely BU but I hate seeing people leaving narky comments on his fb which is why I police it regularly.

OP posts:
hecate · 02/04/2011 23:26

retard - it means retarded. mental retardation

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:26

I have already said I DID TALK TO HIM FIRST.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:26

I have fought his corner for years when he has suffered bullying etc

Well what you are doing now is really not going to help, because his mate will be taking the piss something rotten about him being a mummys boy.

Goodynuff · 02/04/2011 23:26

2 points

  1. making those comments on his page was out of order. First, his friend made the comment, not your DS. Second, you posted, he read your comment, and erased it. You know he read it. Trying to force him to keep the comment on his page is wrong. It is a telling off, for something he didn't do, in a public place. Do you want it to be there forever? What will that achieve? It is like having a record of you telling off your DS played over a loud speaker, but never ending. Would you be comfortable with someone doing that to you?
  2. You implied that your mother should have got invovled in a conversation you were having with your son. You should be the one sorting him out, no one else. Perhaps your mother didn't feel it was her business? Or that you ought to be able to handle it.
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:28

Goody, as I said mum always involves herself whether I want her to or not.
He was bein very rude and I did tell him about it

OP posts:
Bohica · 02/04/2011 23:29

He is 12 & shouldn't have his own FB account & if he didn't have it he wouldn't have to put up with people calling him names in a safe enviroment.

You shouldn't post on his wall, you have made him look like a mummies boy.

Yabu, you need to deal with your behaviour & then your sons.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:30

being*

Ok I was U to post on his wall the second time.
But I do think while DS1 is in my mums home she should not allow him to be rude to me and if she hears him - which she did as she was in the room - then she should pull him up on it or at the very least back me up on what I am saying.

OP posts:
Goodynuff · 02/04/2011 23:30

what was his response when you asked him to delete the comment?

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:31

How do you know that your mother didnt tell him off AFTER the conversation about him being rude to you?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:31

My Behaviour??? fgs I spoke to him first yesterday about it. I told him the comments needed to be removed as they were not nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:32

Goody, Yesterday he said he didn't like the comments being left and that he would remove them.

Squeaky, I don't tbh.

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 02/04/2011 23:33

FGS just shut his facebook down, and don't allow him to have one if he can't be trusted. If an offensive word is on his wall, he should delete it. And I wouldn't be bothered about when he's 13...my house my rules. If he can't be responsible then he doesn't have a facebook page until he can...if that means he doesn't get one until he's 18, then so be it.

You shouldn't have moaned at him on facebook though. You need to lay down some firm boundaries, and stick to them. You don't need your mum's back up, and you don't need to humiliate your son. Just calmly, firmly, enforce the rules.

I'm quite shocked by those arguing that the term 'retard' is acceptable, tbh. It most certainly is not, and most intelligent adults know this. I do hope you will refrain from using this word now that you know what it means.

Thornykate · 02/04/2011 23:35

Dont know enough to offer my opinion of whether or not you are being unreasonable but I do feel that other adults in the family shouldn't normally condone kids being rude to their parents.

I would only expect that sort of behaviour to be allowed to slip if there was some v serious issues underpinning it such as a history of abuse where I couldnt blame the child for being so vocal (not suggesting there is OP just giving an example)

Out of interest what did he actually say that was cocky?

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 23:36

Ok, so you dont know that your mother didnt tell him off afterwards for the way he spoke to you. In that case then YABveryU.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:38

Abbier, the worst bit is he was hurt the other week when his cousins friend (younger but no excuse) called him a retard. So he knows its not nice.

I didn't really moan at him more about the offensive words on his wall. I have tried and been calm about it until he was rude to me.

I check his account regularly and normally remove comments myself.

OP posts:
heliumballoons · 02/04/2011 23:40

I would delete and reinstate when he's 13. If it continues the others boy will be commiting an offence and the police will become involved. (thred here recently). Until then you haven't any back up.

TLES - I know how hard you have had it the past year (ive namechanged btw) but meaning this politely your DS has AS - has limited abilty socially - by your own admission - and has ODD - therefore won't always take advice but go on the complete defensive and can't control his impulses - and at 12 he has a 'public' page for social conversation.

Hard one about your mum but I guess thats GP's. My DS could thump someone and if I told him I was disappointed my mum would find a way to defend him Hmm.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:40

It was his tone and the "yeah yeah whatever you finished I am bored listening to you" "FGS who do you think you are talking to" "Its a joke you know J.O.K.E" and such comments along with "What ya gonna do shut it down I'll just make a new one you won't know about"

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:41

Helium - do we share the same mum Wink

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 02/04/2011 23:42

Those comments to you are completely unacceptable. How is he being punished for them?

TheSecondComing · 02/04/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.