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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my mum should have dealt with this?

73 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:04

ok back story is

DS1 has a fb page and a "friend" has repeatedly called him a "Retard" a term I hate.
I left a message on his status which said
DS1 you need to look at who you are friends with if this is what they see as an acceptable way to speak to people.

DS1 deleted my comment today whilst at my mums.
I reposted it and he deleted it again.

I spoke to him in fb chat and he got really cocky so I called him.

I explained to him that it is not a "joke" to be called a retard and it is actually offensive.

He then started talking down to me, all the time my mum was sitting there (he is staying with her) and not once did she say a word to him, I told him I would close his account if he didn't apologise and stop yet he carried on.

AIBU to think my mum whose care he is in should have said "Stop being rude"

and I know she was in the room as when I asked what time he would be home he asked her

OP posts:

EllenJane1 · 02/04/2011 23:44

weedle "A BBC survey in 2003 ranked retard as the most offensive disability-related word, ahead of terms such as spastic and mong." Cut and pasted from wikipedia for you. If you like I can define spastic and mong for you, as well. Really, really offensive.

MorticiaAddams · 02/04/2011 23:44

You're his mother not her, why on earth should she pull him up on the way he talks to you, you should be able to deal with it yourself.

If he's 12 and you allow him a facebook account then you should go in and defriend this person or deactivate his account.

If you want him to respect you then you need to stamp down on this behaviour.

AgentZigzag · 02/04/2011 23:45

Are posters arguing it's acceptable abbie?

I took it as they didn't realise it was unacceptable.

I've used a term on here that I didn't realise was offensive to some people, I apologised and the thread moved on, nobody suggested I was doing it deliberately.

I couldn't have because I didn't know.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:46

TSC, I would disagree as we have come a long way from where we were before. I am not seeing him as plain naughty and have eased up in some areas and become harder in others. And in the last few months my mum has been more supportive - a lot more. But tonight I just felt as she heard him being rude she could have said somthing to him as he is staying at hers.

I am just peed off because I am trying so hard to be understanding since the dx and learning new ways of dealing with things and I just wanted a bit of support tonight.

OP posts:

Pandamoanium · 02/04/2011 23:48

Using the word "retard" is totally out of order IMHO. DS1 has ASD and learning difficulties and he has had to put up with teenagers following him around town shouting words like that at him. He comes home crying his eyes out and it takes hours to calm him down again. Kids can and should be told that words like that are wrong.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 02/04/2011 23:50

Panda, I have had the same from DS1 when it has been called to him in the street but he seems to not make the connection when it is written on the screen iyswim?

As I said I am quite possibly being over sensitive because of the recent diagnosis of aspergers.

OP posts:

weedle · 02/04/2011 23:51

EllenJane1 Thanks for the education, thank goodness for wikipedia.

EllenJane1 · 02/04/2011 23:52

Weedle, TBH I thought every educated person knew that retard was an insulting abbreviation for mentally retarded.

EllenJane1 · 02/04/2011 23:53

Those kids certainly know it, which is why they are applying it to a child with SN.

abbierhodes · 02/04/2011 23:54

Maybe they're not, agentzigzag. I possibly worded that wrong. But they're not apologising.

Thornykate · 03/04/2011 00:01

FWIW from my experience I know that when another family member plays good cop & I have had to be bad cop all the time it is v bad for all involved.

I appreciate that sometimes other people want an easy ride especially if they have to live with the consequences after you have gone home but it is in your DSs best interests if adults decide & support each other re what is acceptable. I think it helps the younger family members feel secure as well as reducing conflict at home.

Maybe a gentle reminder by your mum to your DS to speak respectfully & then a change of subject may have helped. perhaps she would agree to try that approach in future?

weedle · 03/04/2011 00:06

If you've never heard it used as a term to describe a SN person then it doesn't have the same meaning. Just because I offer my opinion that I didn't know it was offensive to the degree it is, doesn't mean I think it's in any way acceptable.

BeerTricksPotter · 03/04/2011 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 03/04/2011 00:11

You should have phoned him in the first place and told him to remove the post from his wall....not communicated with your son on his FB wall.

I don't like the names 'retard' or 'gay' but I would never embarrass my son by writing what you did on his wall in public view.

You can always speak to your child without the internet you know.

EllenJane1 · 03/04/2011 00:12

Sorry weedle, maybe I'm a bit oversensitive. It was used a lot when I was at school, along with flid, short for thalidomide victim and mong for a child with Downs syndrome. It is really insulting and all the children knew exactly what it meant. Maybe it's been used so much over the past 30 years people have forgotten what it means.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 03/04/2011 00:17

Worra, I already said I had spoken to him prior to all this.

OP posts:

weedle · 03/04/2011 00:27

No worries at all. That very well may be the case. I've not been around 30 years yet!

Oooh check us out with the AIBU love in!

IloveJudgeJudy · 03/04/2011 00:30

I don't understand why you let your 12 yo child have a Facebook account. Don't you know how much grief Facebook can cause? And, what are you doing writing/corresponding with him on Facebook? You're his mother, fgs. Put some rules down for him, for his sake. Get him off FB, don't communicate with him via electronic means, sit down and talk face to face.

FabbyChic · 03/04/2011 00:36

Im not even on my son's friends lists and they are 23 and 17, I wouldn't be either, I'm old compared to all their friends, albeit one son does have his aunties on there.

EllenJane1 · 03/04/2011 00:43

I haven't got the hang of this AIBU thing have I, weedle? You, you, youngster you!

rockinhippy · 03/04/2011 00:45

YANBU - yes your Mum should of called him on his attitude -

but you now also need to have his account deleted - at very least go on & change his password & suspend it until he gets the message that he doesn't disrespect you in that way again, he will think its deleted, & that should be enough to let him know you are in charge & mean business - you made the threat, so to in any way effective as a parent you have to carry it through

FB isn't the best way to communicate with him, but I've sen friends give into to communicating with there own kids that way too, not because they think its right, but because its often the only way to get the attention of their stroppy teens - & they live under the same roof - not ideal, but modern communication I suppose [shrugs]

spiderslegs · 03/04/2011 00:52

agent - you are my best librarian friend aren't you?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 03/04/2011 10:04

For those who have said sit down and talk to him - I had already spoken to him about this on friday.

OP posts:

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