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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be jealous of my friend having a baby girl?

73 replies

namechangecentral · 01/04/2011 15:04

Yes, IABU. I know I am!! One of my friends had a baby girl today. It's her second DD. I have 2 DSs. I love them with every inch of me, but I'm so jealous she has had another girl. Ridiculous.
Although I'd probably have been annoyed if she'd had a boy cos that's MY thing - clearly I'm just a loon

OP posts:
faverolles · 01/04/2011 15:08

Maybe she's jealous of you having another boy?
YABU, but you already admitted it, but don't let it cloud your enjoyment of your lovely boys. :)

GeekCool · 01/04/2011 15:09

Tbh unless you told her your feelings then I don't think YABU tbh, I can understand those feelings. Deal with them and move on, it's when you wallow in them that true feelings of disgruntlement appear.

MerryMarigold · 01/04/2011 15:09

No, you're not BU. It's really normal. My friend is pg with her 3rd ds and is v jealous of someone else having a baby girl. It's ok, just need to grieve a bit and get on with it. I was aching for a baby girl - and did get one (one of my twins). I am grateful, but I would have been sick with jealousy if I hadn't, for all those with dd's. It's ok. You will get over it very soon. If you don't then YABU! People who say, well you should just be grateful and never acknowledge any negative feelings...are talking a lot of rubbish. You are lucky to have 2 lovely boys, and you know it. Maybe you're just jealous of the baby? If you're not having anymore. Whatever, it is allowed. Just don't stay in it for too long!

frankie3 · 01/04/2011 18:10

I have 2 DS's and used to have these feelings when both my SIL's had DS's and went on to have DD's. I felt a real pang of jealousy when I found out.

However, a few years later now and when I am with my nieces I enjoy their company but have no regrets at all about only having DS's. And when friends have DD's I feel no jealousy at all. I'm not sure what has changed, I have obviously come to terms with it and am enjoying my DS's!

So don't worry about your feelings now, don't be hard on yourself.

zukiecat · 01/04/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laInfanta · 01/04/2011 18:18

I'm the other way round - so jealous of those with baby boys! I really hope I have a boy. (no kids yet)

cloudydays · 01/04/2011 18:25

Feelings don't have to be reasonable. :)

namechangecentral · 01/04/2011 18:58

WTF?? In a stab-in-the-chest update, I just got a text telling us the baby's name - it's the effing name we'd chosen for if we'd had a girl a few months ago!!! Now I feel really sick!!

Incidentally, at the weekend, the dad of the new baby was holding our baby ds2, and said, "if we have a girl, can we swap?" so he clearly had a preference for a boy...

laInfanta, I had a boy preference the first time round, and was delighted :)

Zukie, you wanted a third girl? I assume you really love your ds though?

I don't regret having two DSs at all, they're great, but I'm sort of grieving the dd I won't have :(

Glad lots of you have these feelings too, though, iykwim :)

OP posts:
Flowerpotmummy · 01/04/2011 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 01/04/2011 19:38

Boys are brilliant. All those trump jokes cannot be beaten by a princess dress.

I have 2 boys. My dear friend has 2 girls. I spoil her girls, she spoils my boys. Just seeing my boys as brothers and their relationship makes me so glad to have them.

myredcardigan · 01/04/2011 19:44

I had a DS first and was totally devastated when DD1 turned out to be a girl rather than another boy. Then 2yrs later, we had DD2 and I was fine with it.

I love them all desperately and equally but I often get pangs when I see big families of boys rough housing. I think it's natural to have a slight preference but recently, life has taught me to cherish what we have.

tulipgrower · 01/04/2011 20:03

YANBU I have gorgeous sons, and I hope, being of the same gender, that they will be closer than my brother and myself were growing up. But now and then I grieve for the daughter I'll never have. And I often wonder what life would be like with the 3 kids I envision (boy or girl), but my husband has said for him two is enough. (I believe when it comes to the no. of kids, you don't have more than both can agree on.)

zipzap · 01/04/2011 22:59

I know exactly how you feel as I feel it too - and I feel IABU about it too but it still makes me Sad

Seems that I am feeling it more and more strongly over time too, was hoping that getting to know my 2 ds would make it better but it's not. I was brought up with sisters, girls school, female cousins, family friends kids mostly girls... Being in a family with just boys just doesn't seem like a family, just makes me miss my upbringing more and more. Before having kids I was so glad that everyone in my family was having girls, assumed that would be me too and never even occurred to me that I would have one boy, let alone two.

Also gets worse as of all my friends that have two or more children, I am the only one that has had two boys. Sis has 3 girls, cousin has a girl, aunt has 4 girls, good friends mostly have girls. I keep finding myself wondering what I did wrong to end up without a girl. It's only since ds1 starting school and making friends that I now have a couple of friends that also have just boys, which makes it a bit better as they also feel similarly bereft and means I don't feel quite such an outcast.

I know, I know, IABU, I have two lovely healthy sons, it would have been much worse to have not been able to have children or for them not to be healthy. but it still hurts and I still haven't really found a way to work through the feelings other than the occasional vent on MN or chat with the other couple of mums that feel the same. Sad

LoveLeonardCohen · 01/04/2011 23:07

I don't think YABU....that's what you feel and I know plenty of other mums who feel the same. I had a mum friend and she started crying when she saw my DD2. On the other hand though you do have 2 beautiful DS...

flyingspaghettimonster · 01/04/2011 23:16

I think it is normal. I would have been happy with three daughters - instead I got 1 daughter (thank God) and 2 sons - I was so gutted when i found out no. 3 was a boy, but I adore him so much now I find it hard to believe I wished so hard he would be a girl... I was jealous when a friend had a daughter a few months later and named her Eva, though - my chosen name for a girl, as all our friends knew, was Evie (Evangeline) and it felt a little close...

So long as you don't let the negative feeling linger, YANBU. Go buy her new girl something cute and pink - that was the main bit of having a daughter I enjoyed - the girlie shopping opportunities. Nowadays I make diaper cakes to get that experience without having to get knocked up again :-)

MosEisley · 01/04/2011 23:21

Yes of course YABU. So was I, when pg with DS3 found out that after two DDs, dear friend was having a DS, I was horribly envious.

If she could have a third baby of the opposite gender, why couldn't I?

Then I remembered that she lost her first pregnancy (a girl) at 20 weeks. And was humbled.

Newgolddream · 01/04/2011 23:27

zipzap I wouldnt say you are being "unreasonable" but to think theres "something wrong" with you because you only have boys and no girl is really sad and I struggle to understand how you can think this - but as you do maybe you need to talk to someone about these feelings. Are only girls prized in your mind? Im being serious, Im not trying to be nasty, just trying to understand the thinking behind your feelings.

chipmonkey · 02/04/2011 00:11

zipzap, I could have written your post!

On my Mum's side, my Mum and aunts mostly had girls, out of my Nana's 17 grandchildren, 5 were boys, the rest of us were girls.

I had 2 sisters and then, after a seven year gap, my Mum had my brother. With hindsight, I can see that my parents were actually delighted to eventually have a son but I was a little disappointed as I loved all things girly.

Now I have four boys and am expecting a fifth ( or at least I presume it's a fifth boy! only 9 weeks but too early to tell.)

I have finally managed to convince myself to love being a Mum of boys and that that is actually fine. When I found out ds4 was a boy at a scan, I was devastated but having been taught the same lesson, over and over again, I have finally learned that my boys are gorgeous and cute and that I don't care if this baby is a boy!

I think in our culture, little girls are more valued than little boys. If you go into any high street shops, there are acres of cute clothes for little girls and very little for boys. Also, I have noticed that there is a pink version of everything but rarely a blue version. Mums of girls want to actively show that they have a girl, Mums' of boys tend to go for non-gender specific colours, so you have a bright pink version and then a lime-green-and-orange version.

Also some Mums of girls say annoying things like "Oh, I don't think I'd know what to do with a boy" as if you were talking about a badly trained monkey, rather than a human child.

But little boys ARE gorgeous and bigger boys are great fun. You just have to learn to see it!Smile

myredcardigan · 02/04/2011 01:01

It does take a while. As I said, it took me weeks to accept that DD1 was a girl and not another boy. I always had the 4 boy senario in my head and as I felt the same in my pregnancy, I didn't question it.

I always find on these threads though that I seem to be the only one who has felt this the other way around.

I have ended up with one son and two daughters and as they have grown into people, I just love them more and more and now (of course) I wouldn't swap them for the world.

Also, when I read on here about mothers losing their children it puts a lot in perspective for me and makes me grateful to have three beautiful, healthy children. Smile

chipmonkey · 02/04/2011 01:08
myredcardigan · 02/04/2011 01:15
Grin We could do weekend swaps! The irony is that DD1 is not at all girly. She's the most tomboy like, bolshy, confident little thing with short dark curly hair. Never to be seen in a dress. DD2 however, is dress obsessed!
onceamai · 02/04/2011 09:05

I think some of you need to grow up and get real. My first pg was a boy, miscarried at 17 weeks, my second ds1, my third, another boy miscarried at 11 weeks, my fourth ds 2 - born at 27 weeks and died very soon thereafter, my fifth was dd. I would have been delighted to have had three boys - although I absolutely adore dd. I hope some of you realise how idiotic you sound complaining about feeling jealous because you didn't get exactly what you wanted.

I shall never forget the days when everyone around me was pregnant and announcing births and bouncing fat happy babies on their knees and keeping a smile on my face and maintaining a little good grace when quietly I would sob in private on receipt of every announcement card. It was a tough five years. And you know what - I feel blessed because eventually I got two perfect children - when often that isn't the outcome for many families.

I still get very very annoyed when mothers simper, "oh you're so lucky to have one of each" Yes I am but they don't know the heartbreak that went on behind the scenes to get there. It's not often a thread makes me so bloody angry.

x2boys · 02/04/2011 10:12

i have two boys my friend recently had a baby girl after having two boys and she said if to me if you were guranteed a girl would you have another and you know what no i would nt i love my boys occasionally i have vaguge pangs of regrets for the dd i wont be having but wouldnt change my boys for th e world

x2boys · 02/04/2011 10:13

sorry that was meant to be love my boys to bits i,m sure everybody loves their children

keepingupwiththejoneses · 02/04/2011 10:33

YADNBU I have 3ds and I feel the same. I love my boys to bits but would have loved a daughter.