to be jealous of my friend having a baby girl?

[namechangecentral]

Yes, IABU. I know I am!! One of my friends had a baby girl today. It's her second DD. I have 2 DSs. I love them with every inch of me, but I'm so jealous she has had another girl. Ridiculous.
Although I'd probably have been annoyed if she'd had a boy cos that's MY thing - clearly I'm just a loon

You can spare one to the priesthood so!!

I have ds then 2dds. When I was pg with dd2 I really wanted a ds. But dd2 is so amazing. I would still love another and if I could chose I'd like ds2 but only because I always imagined 2 of each. Dd2 doesn't suit pastel pink at all - red hair, pale skin. She's gorgeous so I wander round shops looking for anything that isn't pink. Dd1 is blonde and pink really suits her.

Op - yanbu to have this feelings but all of us with healthy dcs know it isn't important. Fwiw I hate the way people use terms like "devastated" to describe how they felt when they broke a nail. FFS.

I'm in Ireland too, and I only get pity! Oh, apart from Asian and African men who appear to think I'm somee sort of goddess.

I can see both sides here. I am lucky enough to now have 3 dcs(both sexes) but have also lost 3 ds(19,25 and 28 wks). With our first we both really really really wanted a ds(and he was but only lived for 10 hours). Then had 2 msc,then eldest ds then another msc then another ds(again we both wanted another son but lost him at 28 wks). Then we lost our 4th son at 19 weeks. After that I started wanting to have a dd(thought it might change our luck-daft I know!). Next dc was a dd but dh was dissapointed(obviously loves her to bits now). Youngest is another ds.
I dont think it is wrong to feel a little upset or dissapointed if you dont get the family you maybe imagined in your head. Thats only human. I know everyone on here is very very grateful to have their lovely children.But I also understand why women who have lost babies or are infertile would find it hurtful and shallow to moan about it.Again thats only human.

I have two DSs aged 5 and nearly 2, but I also had a DD who was my firstborn child, stillborn at full term. I do get quite perplexed and confused dealing with my mix of emotions on this and it's helpful to read others' perspectives on it. Because I am sad that I don't have a DD. I am sad that I don't have a third living DC of either gender, but DH has called time after a rather traumatic experience with DS2's pregnancy so it isn't going to happen and I'm gradually coming to terms with that.

The thing that I struggle with is this desire to have a girl. Of course we were devastated (no apology for that word) to lose DD but she would not be replaced by another girl any more than she is replaced by DS1 or DS2. And yet it still matters to me, and I can't work out why, so for me it's actually quite reassuring to hear that these feelings can exist and be valid even when a couple haven't lost a girl.

That said, it does seem to me from my massively biassed perspective that some people who are fixated with having daughters are total twats. We have some friends with a DD and they seem to lack any empathy for our situation at all. When I was pregnant with DS2 we discovered he had a serious heart/lung problem in utero. At 20 weeks we were given 50:50 odds on his survival. My "friend" knew this and also that we had lost our DD and then gone on to have a son. But nevertheless, he still tried to have a little chat about finding out the sex of the baby. He seemed quite mystified we hadn't found out with any of our children and proceeded to tell me that they were dancing round the room at their scan when they learnt they were having a girl. "It was so great," he said, "because if it had been a boy we would both have been a bit meh" Another friend with twin boys and then a girl spent the entire year after her DD's birth asking me, "Wouldn't you like a daughter?" and even the response "I did, she died," didn't stop her doing it.

And so that makes it even worse because I don't want to be associated with that sort of twattery and yet I will always still feel the loss of a girl. Whether I would feel this if I didn't also grieve the loss of our DD I don't know. I hope it is possible to have these feelings and not be a vacuous, simpering, shopping obsessed pink-loon. Because I do even though it doesn't make logical sense.

Apologies, I don't really make sense on this issue and so post slightly mad responses on these kinds of threads, but I welcome women who are prepared to talk intelligently about these feelings. I feel for you OP, especially about the name. Somebody one day will choose the name my DD should have been called (the name wasn't appropriate for a stillborn child so we didn't use our original choice of name, even though all the books tell you you shouldn't do this). When that happens I think the jealousy I would feel would be immense. (And if the child in question were to be bought a "born to shop" babygro or similar I would probably commit murder)

mrsgboring That must have been devastating for you! I do remember another MNer saying that when she lost a baby she wanted her next baby to be the same sex as the baby she lost. Of course no baby can ever replace another one but I think there is a drive to try to replace what you lost.
Your "friends" do sound exceptionally twattish, I have to say! You could understand a flippant remark from a stranger who didn't know your history but for someone to know and still come out with gems like that beggars belief!

I am 9 weeks pg, was pg with twins but lost one at 7 weeks. Still pg with the other one. On the one hand it's not such a sense of loss as it was only at a recent scan, that I found out that I had definitely lost a twin though I suspected as much. But a bit of me wonders if that baby may have been my only dd.

As I am now getting on a bit ( 42) my main concern is, though that I do carry this baby to term and that s/he's healthy. After that, gender is a minor detail at the end of the day.

chipmonkey for your loss. A loss is a loss is a loss. All the very best for your continuing pregnancy.

Oh and I had a peek at your profile. Such gorgeous boys

Thanks, mrsg, I think so myself but may be biased!

Mrsg and pink :( Always sorry to read posts like this.

I'm actually shocked at the "girls are better than boys" attitudes most of you have encountered! My jealously at my friend is simply that she has a the opposite gender to mine, not cos I think girls are better or anything. I'd feel the same if I had two girls and she'd had a son!

I hate the pink-for-a-girl thing too, I can't bear when girls are constantly wearing pink glittery things. Sometimes, yes, but it shouldn't define her

vmcd, what bemuses me is that people say things like "If gender selection were freely available there would be far more boys born" In the USA where gender selection is available ( very pricily, not freely!) 80% of couples who seek it, are trying to get a daughter. I was very surprised to read that as I would have assumed it would be an even split but in Western Society, it seems that girls are favoured more than boys.

On the pink thing, what bothers me is that I know some little girls who are beautiful but don't suit pink at all. One in particular who has the most beautiful curly ried hair. But they are still dressed head to toe in pink as if there were no other colour to wear!

I don't think it's that daughters are more valued than sons, but I thiiiiink that in that one area (instigating gender selection) mothers might be more in the driving seat.

I think a mother often wants a daughter like a father often wants a son. That much is probably not rocket science. But it would be seen as unreasonable and pushy for a man to push his partner into having gender selection and all that that entails to 'give him' a son. But if the woman is willing to have gender selection, then it'll be her body etc...

Funny enough, dh says he really doesn't care about gender at all but I wonder whether he would feel that way if we had four daughters? I really didn't realise how much I cared about it until I had a boy. And then I was disappointed in myself for feeling disappointed IYKWIM.

Excellent post by Valium. Excellent point!

Thank you stylenotfashion! actually, i thought after I posted it that there are a lot of inherited genetic disorders are carried on the tail of the x chromosone, and so they present in boys but not in girls. I think that could also be a factor. Even autism is about 6 times more common in boys. Could that be a factor in that American statistic I wonder?

It's all been said before but I wanted to add that your expectation of children is never quite right. I had a DS first and really wanted another DS. I got a DD instead. Once I had gotten my head around it, I got all excited about pink/princesses etc. Frankly, my DS is more into pink/princesses etc than she is! She's a bossy, opinionated, tomboy (and I love her). x

'Agree with onceamai- one ds died at 21 weeks (anyone who eve goes on about being devestated at a scan re boy : girl - NO devastation is being told your child has no kidney, heart damage and brain damage and 0% chance of life outside the womb). I am so blessed to have dd and would love another but 3 mc and timeeans that is not likely.'

I feel the same. Devastation to me was being told at the 20 week scan that my baby had severe and probably fatal problems. I lost her a day short of 24 weeks. She had a very rare disorder, less than 1 in a million births. Several years later, we lost a totally healthy baby at almost 21 weeks into pregnancy, I went into labour and was told they 'wouldn't do anything' and my baby would either be born dead or gasp for breath and then die sometime later. That was horrific beyond words and I remember holding my bump and saying to DH, 'I so wanted this baby,' and the sheer horror of going through it again in the same bloody bereavement room. Both babies were girls and I went on to have boys after. In a way i was grateful to have the opposite sex as it felt 'more like a different pregnancy' but there was also a sad feeling that I would never get DDs3&4 which I would/should have had, a feeling of harsh finality.

So I find threads very hard about not getting a baby of a certain sex (usually girl) because I just wanted a living baby. As it happens I now have 3 DSs and 2 DDs. I am ashamed to admit that after having 2 DDs first, i was abit of a SMOG. BUT I was never devastated about having them and was delighted to be told it was two boys at the scan. Also having my own boys changed me and I now see the joy of parenting boys!!! I think what made me worried initially how I would cope with twin boys was that I had no brothers and all my friends who had boys were obsessive about having girls! Also my mum always went on how much nicer girls were, she was a SMOG! Now she has grandsons, she often comments she had no idea how nice boys are!!! So having my own boys has made me appreciate other people's boys.

Jelly, so sorry to hear of what you've been thru. I've "only" had two MCs between my two boys, and that was horrible enough to go through.
I was just desperate for a second child, BUT if I'd been allowed to choose its gender, I'd have chosen a girl. But the second I saw him, I ached with love. I adore him and ds1 more than I knew possible. But I still get sad that I'll never have a daughter.

I think a little regret is normal and reasonable. I would have liked more children, but agreed with dh that if dc2 was a girl we would stop there. Sometimes I wish i'd had 2 ds so I could have had a third. Does'nt mean I don't love them to bits and know I am very fortunate.

Hi girls, I am so glad that I found this thread.....I have a 7 month old DS whom I love with every inch of my heart, however my best friend is having a girl in a few weeks and 2 others of my friend have announces the birth of their DD's. I am not jealous of the pink and the dresses etc, Im jealous quite simply because my relationship with my mother is so perfect, she is my best friend in the whole world, and I worry that if I never have a DD I will never experience that closeness, I also have a sister so girls are very 'normal' to me as far as making up a family.

As far as experiencing loss is concerned, thankfully I haven't been through such heartache and I am so sorry for those that have. My mum lost her first DD at 42 weeks so I certainly understand the pain as my mother talks to me about it all the time, yet she still understands my deep desire to have a daughter of my own. What really annoys me is when people tell my friends that have got girls "lucky you, you've got your girl now" as if having a boy is so insignificant.

Anyway, that's my rant over and I do want to end it by reiterating that my DS is my world, I love him and if I could have another one like him again and as trouble free and easily again no matter what gender I would be delighted.

I think it is normal for a preference and don't think these feelings are unreasonable.

However, when I was pregnant with Dc2 I found out via bloods it was a girl. At the time I was petrified of the pregnancy due to having a very traumatic birth with DS and his subsequent surgeries/medical condition.

A friend kept banging on about how lucky I was to be having a girl, because she had just had her third boy and couldn't get over her disappointment.

I only had bloods done to cofirm the health of my child - the gender was irrelevant and I was annoyed that this woman used the opportunity to express her jealousy.

So whilst I feel your views are justified - just don't air them to others (which you already confirmed you don't).

Yanbu but just thought I'd tell you a out my Mil. She always wanted a dd but had 3 ds she was so delighted that first grand child was a girl but she now admits she finds her very complicated. She says since my ds was born she just knows where she is with him.

I am expecting dc3 and don't have a preference(all I can see is cons with each, whiney stubborn dd or destructive crazy ds I do really love them). What I did notice was that people are quite negative about ds's I had a few friends with just dd's who stopped inviting us over once ds could walk or should I say throw!

I totally get you. It's hard when you've been through it all but Even though I've had two miscarriages and ivf to achieve two perfect and miraculous sons I still feel jealous when I hear of someone with a girl. It's just a feeling that needs to be heard and vented so that people can move on. I'm glad this forum is here to allow this

ZOMBIE
8 YEAR OLD THREAD