Have done the necessary name change.
Apologise in advance for the very long OP.
My parents retired abroad a few years ago but my mum hates where she lives. She doesn't get on with my dad's family who live all around her and my parents often argue about it. She comes over to the UK whenever she can to get away from them and stays for a few months, usually with my sister.
My mum and sister are very close and much closer in age. I have always accepted that my mother prefers my sister and am not jealous. My mum and I have a strange relationship in that I know she loves me and is fiercely loyal but she cannot bring herself to say it and has never even hugged me. There is a bonding issue between us but I have become used to it and we are fine with eachother in small doses. She rarely phones me unless it?s to slate my dad and she rarely asks what's going on in my life but she's pretty nice to me and is not abusive in anyway, just a bit self-absorbed and hands-offish with me.
I recently had a baby, their first grandchild. My mother said she was coming over to help with my dad to follow later on. I figured it would be for a couple of weeks and although I was worried about how I'd cope, I agreed (was basically told, not asked). The day before she was due to fly, she told me she would be staying for 6 months. I was too scared to say no. I still figured that I'd be able to handle it because she always normally stays with my sister and visits during the daytime so I figured most of the time this would be what would happen.
However, my sisters dad (mum's first husband) decided her was going to be staying with my sister whilst in town which meant mum had to stay with me which I know was a last resort for her.
From day one, 2 weeks after a horrendous birth and breastfeeding issues (which is why I'm in counselling) she put her bags down then proceeded to tell me everything I'm doing wrong with the baby and tried to take over. If I told her anything about how I wanted to raise my DD she'd become very angry and tell me that she knows more than me as she's had more parenting experience and also said that by telling her what to do with DD, I'm putting her down as a mum and saying she's stupid and old. For example she was putting the baby on her tummy and side to sleep and I said that I wanted DD to sleep on her back for SIDS reasons but she got really upset and told me I was implying she had been a bad mother to me! We had this over everything, feeding, how many blankets to put on the baby, whether to give the baby water, everything became a battle and I was exhausted from not sleeping properly and trying to get over the Emergency Csec. She wouldn't accept that things have changed since she had us.
We had a first massive row about a month ago and she kept saying we were making her feel unwelcome (we have certain rules about food storage etc) and that I wasn't giving her enough of the baby duties and that she didn't feel needed.
I then agreed to give her more nights (1 a week), feeding and other duties and I said that maybe it would be a good idea for her to go to my aunties at weekends as we needed a break from each other every few days. I also invited her out to the pub, restaurant etc but she turned it all down always saying she never felt like it. Many a time she would sit on the sofa in silence, moping about, which made my DH and I feel very uncomfortable. Everything I said seemed to be twisted into me questioning her skills as a mother. I once asked if she had a moment, if she was able to change the babies nappy and she almost went into meltdown saying I had implied she was incapable of changing a nappy!
Sometimes if people came over she was huffy with them and I just felt like I was tip-toeing around her. I also felt I couldn't really stand up to her because she has high blood pressure and was always saying her pressure was up and she felt unwell and thus I didn't want to make it worse.
I started picking my battles, i.e. when she ignored my request not to give DD water or she put her to sleep on her side I tried to ignore it as I didn't want to upset her (my counsellor asked why I was compromising over my own child but I wanted mum to be happy) I also offered to let her come to DD appointments with me as she said I was always running around with the baby and not inviting her.
It was during this time that the nurse told me I was suffering from PND (I think my mother partly contributed to this). I told my mum about the diagnosis and that I was to have counselling. She asked why. I told her again about the birth, that DD nearly didn't make it etc and she said she wasn't even aware this had happened! I told her twice about the birth and she never once remarked on it as she was more concerned with telling me how I should just cope because she?d had babies and knew what it was like and had coped or the latest offence my father had caused (he ignores her a lot of the time and isn't the best husband. He also sees me as some sort of angel and has insisted we speak to him everyday about the baby and calls and calls until we answer the phone, gets very upset if we don't pick up, DH and I sometimes call him the stalker as its a bit much).
I asked her if she thought I was a good mother, she wouldn't answer. When I cooked I'd ask her if she'd liked what I'd made, she's say it was 'okay'.
Anyway 13 weeks later (Tuesday) and I notice a couple of ants in the kitchen. I asked her to move some fruit she had in the corner because I wanted to wipe down and spray ant killer in the corner before we got an infestation and told her that the ants would be attracted to the sugar. I asked her to put them somewhere else like to fridge or on the dining room table. All of a sudden she fly?s past me, picks the fruit up and chucks it in the bin, goes to her room and slams the door. DH and I are like WTF?! So I start shouting upstairs that I don't have to put up with this in my own home and that I can't take it anymore, that she's making things harder for me and that i can't give her anymore emotionally.
The next morning I try and bury the hatchet by saying good morning, she says the same. An hour later I ask if she's able to watch the baby for an hour (she had originally agreed to watch DD every day as I'm doing a work project but in reality she would get up at 10, spend an hour in the shower have brekkie and not be ready to take DD until 12pm then she would go out shopping at 2pm and be back in time to watch that gameshow, The Chaser at 5.15pm, this is despite us agreeing that I would pay her £50 to help out a bit more which what she said she wanted to do anyway). Anyway she got angry and said ?what you mean am I able to watch the baby, are you saying I don't know how to look after a baby'. Again I let it slide as I needed to get back to the PC.
An hour a later she storms up to me shoves £50 into my hand and says 'take it back' I don't want your money, I want nothing from you and I'm going to give back the rest of the money when I can get hold of it as I don't want to be in your debt. I heard you saying you've given me too much (I meant emotionally not financially). I said I didn't have the energy for another argument, I hadn't slept through the stress of the previous days argument. She continued to go on and on and in the end I screamed' get out and get out now!' She stayed sitting on the couch so I told her I wasn't joking that we can't be together and she needs to get her stuff together and stay with auntie as I'm tired of it all (she previously said she didn't want to stay with auntie as her place was small).
She then began to pack her things and I felt bad so wanted to make some level of peace before she went. I said I was sorry it didn't work out, maybe we weren't meant to be together for so long under the same roof. I said that maybe she could stay here on and off and at aunties sometimes to give us all a break. I said that I had my faults etc and it wasn't just her. She then said that I don't like having my family around me, that I haven't welcomed her, that she spent hundreds of pounds to be with me and that she can leave with a 100% clear conscience because it was all my fault and that I'm ungrateful.
My father says she provoked me (he wouldn't dare tell her this though) but I should have just bit my tongue for the next few weeks and my sister is not speaking to me. Mum won't take my calls. MY DH is relieved it's all over. Was I being unreasonable, am I ungrateful? I feel really bad as she raised me and had me in her home and in return I've thrown her out of mine after 3 months.