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to be exasperated about my best friend turning into Bridezilla. And ask WWYD? (This is a bit long, sorry.)

38 replies

Puffykins · 30/03/2011 22:28

I have known Bridezilla all my life. She is normally caring, thoughtful, generous, we've been friends forever, she is my DDs Godmother, etc. Since she became engaged, however, she has become somewhat self-obsessed - a certain amount of which I can deal with, I love discussing weddings and hearing about details, am delighted to help her source things that she needs and go to all 8 of her dressfittings, and am happy to listen to any difficulties she is having, etc.

However, on a number of issues, I am beginning to become so frustrated that I want to scream. For instance:

1.) She wants my DD to be a bridesmaid - which is lovely, and I'm touched. She's 8 months, and can't walk, and she's just told me that she doesn't think she'll be in any photographs as she's too little and can't look after himself. This is fine, and I understand, but I suggested that perhaps I didn't need to get her fitted for the little outfit (which is costing me £100) - which I expressed charmingly (honestly!). No, she really wants her in a little outfit because she really wants her to be part of her day. Which is lovely. Although she's told me that I have to take her out of church if she makes so much as a squeak (which surprised me a little - obviously I would - she didn't need to say it.)

2.) The hen. Which she asked me to organise. I thought perhaps it would be a day and a night, not an entire weekend, which, it transpires, is what she wanted. Four of the hens (including me) have babies. One is unemployed. Two are students. Nonetheless, she expected us all to spend approximately £500 each going away for the weekend. This is no longer happening, but nonetheless the weekend is not cheap - in addition to which I'm doing a lot of shopping, cooking, and lot of organisation has gone into it. Many of the girls can't come to all of it, partly because of the expense, partly because of the babies - which she's banned, because "I want all the focus to be on me, and for everybody to be able to concentrate on having fun." She wants me to be at all of it, however, and I'm having real problems organising childcare - my husband was going to do it, but is now working (this is unavoidable and non-negotiable) and my family do not live close and are busy. A babysitter around here costs £10 an hour. I suggested that maybe I bring DD during the day, which would work (I know, because I organised it) and DH will look after her in the evenings. No, that won't wash, and I've been told to 'push for other childcare options.'

I genuinely love this girl, Bridezilla, and want her to enjoy herself and know that this will pass and she will become normal again (I hope!) But she knows that I'm not made of money - both my husband and I are freelance and work really hard to make ends meet - we're not on the breadline, but we haven't been on holiday since our honeymoon, and any spare cash goes into the mortgage/ saving a fund for DS - I know that it's different priorities - and I can afford to spend the £700 I'm spending on her wedding (including the hen party, the hotel, her wedding present, DDs bridesmaid outfit) but it will come out of savings and I don't want to! I never expected this kind of financial outlay for my own wedding - and didn't get it. (I didn't even have a hen - but that is an entirely personal choice, and I know that nearly everybody else has one.)

Is there any way that I can explain that she is being ever so slightly unreasonable - she's highly strung and likely to cry and I don't want to upset her so close to her wedding/ hen etc., but it is all getting out of hand as she wants more and more - she now wants me at the venue for the week before the wedding to help her, which means an even higher hotel bill - or should I just suck it up and hope to God she only gets married once?

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 30/03/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poopnscoop · 30/03/2011 22:34

She needs to be sat down and given a reality check. You are a mother. She needs to understand that your child is your priority. Period. She needs to be told you cannot afford all of this. It's ridiculous what she's expecting of you!


saffy85 · 30/03/2011 22:35

YANBU. Please tell her she's being a twat overdemanding bridezilla. Which she is.

Also, why the fuck are you paying £100 for one outfit for a little baby to wear for one day? If she wants your baby to wear this outfit she should fork out for it. Cheeky cow.


Puffykins · 30/03/2011 22:36

Oh, I have. But her eyes start brimming and she makes me feel mean. I have vetoed some ideas on the basis of there being extravagant - this is what is left! (And she asked me if DD would be a bridesmaid before I knew the cost of the the dress. Or that I was paying for it.)
And she is incredibly generous herself in terms of presents for DD (and me), and so I suppose half the problem is that I feel that I need to reciprocate. However, she earns a lot more than I do (she works in the city and gets bonuses. The other day she rocked up with a convertable Porsche she'd just impulse bought. And yet she's not brilliant with money, and runs out every month and always wants more than she can afford, hence suddenly realising that she can't afford to pay for her Bridesmaid's dresses.)

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FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 22:38

I think you need to sit her down and tell her outright that you cannot afford to give any more time or spend any more money, that it is already costing you nearly a grand, and you are not in a position financially to spend any more money.

Be honest, tell her you have exhausted all possibilities re child care and it is just not possible, as it is not possible to outlay any more on hotels etc.,

She won't understand unless you are totally honest and you have to be for your sanity as well as your own financial wellbeing.


zikes · 30/03/2011 22:38

It's ridiculous: £700 for someone else's wedding, ffs.

Say (slightly altered for bridezilla comments) to her what you're said to us. Surely if she wants all this extravagance she should pay for it.

'Course, I'm coming from a perspective of our entire wedding costing less than £700.


Puffykins · 30/03/2011 22:38

I think I also find it hard because her sister (who I'm also very close to) is very involved too, and I often feel, when I try to get rid of utterly ridiculous ideas, that I'm being ganged up on.
I guess I'm being pathetic, and should be firmer. It's hard.

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ENormaSnob · 30/03/2011 22:40

Ffs she sounds dreadful.

Tough shit if she cries.

Insensitive spoilt bitches tend to turn the waterworks on to get their own way.


thisisyesterday · 30/03/2011 22:40

agree with bluddymofo... surely you are good enough friends with her to say "ffs woman you're being crazy"???

my best friend's friend planned to hold her wedding in the caribbean and then expressed huge surprise at the fact that best friend (being a student) and several other friends (being strapped for cash) had to politely decline invites.

people just don't think do they?

you need to tell her that this is non-negotiable. you CANNOT get alternative childcare so either your DD comes with you, or you do not go.
i can understand not wanting a baby there. tbh... but there needs to be a compromise


ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 22:42

What FabbyChic said (now there's a first Wink) - really it's awful that this is causing you (and her other friends) such a huge amount of stress. It's supposed to be fun isn't it?


piprabbit · 30/03/2011 22:42

Don't buy the baby a £100 outfit - it will get vomit/poo/food on it before you even get to the church. Buy two lots of the same (reasonably-priced) outfit so your DD can be changed and still look good in the photos.

Put your foot down over the other expenses too - and when she wells up, just tell her that you aren't made of money and that it is simply not possible for you to keep up with her financially - but that you still love her.


Puffykins · 30/03/2011 22:43

Thank you all so much for your comments. I have suggested that she if she doesn't want babies I won't go on the hen during the days, but will join them on Friday and Saturday evening. Silence from her end.
Truly she's not dreadful. Although I realise I have made her sound so. She just wants everything.

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FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 22:43

If you cannot tell her to her face, send her an email.

Be firm! You can do it, that is a backbone you have there.


MillsAndDoom · 30/03/2011 22:45

In a couple of years she will look back and cringe at herself and her bridezillaness. Be honest but be diplomatic


omaoma · 30/03/2011 22:46

You know what, I would just 'forget' to get your daughter's outfit. If she's not going to be in the pictures, or allowed in the church, so what? Make up some excuse that she chucked up over it that morning and you had to have something else and get something in in the right colours/customise a bought outfit with the right ribbon or something.

Or start giving her choices between ridiculous demands. Say: 'I'm so sorry. I'm struggling to get the money together for both the hen and the outfit. Which woudl you rather I spent the money on, I just can't cover both, I'm afraid. I know it's importnat to you so I'll leave it in your hands to decide.' Start giving her either/ors, so it's still her choice but she's not getting everything she wants. if she starts having a tearful fit at these choices at any time say 'I'll leave you to think it over, I can see it's a difficult decision, so just let me know.'

She will wake up from Bridezilla nightmare at some point (I did!) and in the meantime just stop engaging with it. She's being a stupid cow! Try and let it wash over you.


Puffykins · 30/03/2011 22:46

Thank you! It's too late for much of it (the bridesmaid dress was already practically made before I found out I had to pay for it, etc.) but I am going to put my foot down about other things!
I know her parents very well too, and, well, a lot of this is nurture over nature . . . . Which makes it easier to understand (from my end) but no easier to deal with.

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FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 22:47

It's good to hear you are going to put your foot down, sounds like she can turn on the tears to her advantage.


Bumperlicioso · 30/03/2011 22:49

Wtf does she need you at the venue forva week for? Jeez all this for one fricking day, it astounds me! Say no to the week, if you can't get childcare for dd either she comes or you just go to the evening. £700 on someone else's wedding when you have a family is ridiculous. It's ONE DAY!


Puffykins · 30/03/2011 22:52

What I also didn't explain is that she's had a rough couple of years with such things as a cancer scare (which meant one of her ovaries has had to be removed) and various other things - so she really wants this to be a proper celebration, and to go all out, and it's quite hard to quell someone's excitement when for a while both you wondered if they were ever going to make it down the aisle.
I've known her so long that she's like one of my sisters.
But nonetheless, this can't go on.

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Escallonia · 30/03/2011 22:58

I was about to say, in what way can an 8mo actually "be" a bridesmaid - she will have to be held by someone the whole time, so either you / DH are there walking down the aisle / in the photos too (or Bridezilla has to get rid of the bouquet and have your DD in her arms instead!). But see that you have been suckered into the dress. But £100 to make a dress for a baby?!? Is it made of truffles or something?

Feel for you but you have to be firm, fair and friendly. Hen do - You've asked, she's silent ... just do the evenings unless she tells you different. Don't start spending £10 ph on babysitters for an entire day. Silence is a good negotiating technique, she's hoping you'll crack if she says nothing, but obv you have no room for manoeuvre wrt DD so don't pursue this now you've suggested the evenings only plan.

As for being there for the whole week in run up to wedding, just don't countenance it, no ums, erms, maybes. Just "I'm sorry but I can't do that, but I will be all yours from the day / night / morning before." Are you a BM by the way? Just wondering why this is all falling on your shoulders?


Puffykins · 30/03/2011 23:03

No I'm not a bridesmaid. I'm her long suffering best friend. She's not having grown up bridesmaids, just tinies. And this is falling on my shoulders because I've known her for so long - literally we went to primary school together, ballet lessons, prep school, pony club, spent our teenage years skanking around Ken Market and going to inappropriate clubs, have supported each other through thick and thin (though I admit I have probably done more supporting than she has - but then I have had an easier go of it, and have needed less support.) But you catch my drift.
In two years hence this will all be forgotten, and she'll have her own babies, and she'll understand. Just now, she doesn't, and the hen is next weekend and the wedding soon after that.

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Puffykins · 30/03/2011 23:04

No the bridesmaid's dress isn't made of truffles but it is made of antique French lace to match her dress . . . .

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chocolatehobnobs · 30/03/2011 23:07

. I speak as a former bridezilla and was really highly strung around the wedding (back to sanity now) . She is lucky to have such a supportive bridemaid. my chief bridesmaid was really self consumed ttc, and spent the day before my wedding having her curly hair set in curlers at her hairdressers as she didn't trust my cheaper hairdresser!
Give her a hug, tell her you love her but simple don't have the money or family support to give or do any more. Sounds like she has lost a sense of reality. Yes this is her big day but you have a family and budget to consider. I think it would be reasonable to take your babe along for part of the hen do.she is unreasonable to ask you to spend so much. At my hen do we had several events over a weekend so people could come to all or just part and we were careful to keep costs down. If she doesn't want a baby at the hen tell her you will only be able to come in the evening
Good luck!


WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2011 23:08

"Oh, I have. But her eyes start brimming and she makes me feel mean."
"a lot of this is nurture over nature"

Hmm. Tbh, that makes me think that she knows she is being unreasonable. Can you use that? E.g., you tell her you can't meet her demands, she wells up, you say something along the lines of -"no, you did that the last time - don't do the 'pathetic little me' and make me feel bad, you're a city slicker, we have to address this now."


piprabbit · 30/03/2011 23:14

Hope you have a giant body bib to keep the lace clean until the baby is put on display.

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