to be exasperated about my best friend turning into Bridezilla. And ask WWYD? (This is a bit long, sorry.)

[Puffykins]

I have known Bridezilla all my life. She is normally caring, thoughtful, generous, we've been friends forever, she is my DDs Godmother, etc. Since she became engaged, however, she has become somewhat self-obsessed - a certain amount of which I can deal with, I love discussing weddings and hearing about details, am delighted to help her source things that she needs and go to all 8 of her dressfittings, and am happy to listen to any difficulties she is having, etc.

However, on a number of issues, I am beginning to become so frustrated that I want to scream. For instance:

1.) She wants my DD to be a bridesmaid - which is lovely, and I'm touched. She's 8 months, and can't walk, and she's just told me that she doesn't think she'll be in any photographs as she's too little and can't look after himself. This is fine, and I understand, but I suggested that perhaps I didn't need to get her fitted for the little outfit (which is costing me £100) - which I expressed charmingly (honestly!). No, she really wants her in a little outfit because she really wants her to be part of her day. Which is lovely. Although she's told me that I have to take her out of church if she makes so much as a squeak (which surprised me a little - obviously I would - she didn't need to say it.)

2.) The hen. Which she asked me to organise. I thought perhaps it would be a day and a night, not an entire weekend, which, it transpires, is what she wanted. Four of the hens (including me) have babies. One is unemployed. Two are students. Nonetheless, she expected us all to spend approximately £500 each going away for the weekend. This is no longer happening, but nonetheless the weekend is not cheap - in addition to which I'm doing a lot of shopping, cooking, and lot of organisation has gone into it. Many of the girls can't come to all of it, partly because of the expense, partly because of the babies - which she's banned, because "I want all the focus to be on me, and for everybody to be able to concentrate on having fun." She wants me to be at all of it, however, and I'm having real problems organising childcare - my husband was going to do it, but is now working (this is unavoidable and non-negotiable) and my family do not live close and are busy. A babysitter around here costs £10 an hour. I suggested that maybe I bring DD during the day, which would work (I know, because I organised it) and DH will look after her in the evenings. No, that won't wash, and I've been told to 'push for other childcare options.'

I genuinely love this girl, Bridezilla, and want her to enjoy herself and know that this will pass and she will become normal again (I hope!) But she knows that I'm not made of money - both my husband and I are freelance and work really hard to make ends meet - we're not on the breadline, but we haven't been on holiday since our honeymoon, and any spare cash goes into the mortgage/ saving a fund for DS - I know that it's different priorities - and I can afford to spend the £700 I'm spending on her wedding (including the hen party, the hotel, her wedding present, DDs bridesmaid outfit) but it will come out of savings and I don't want to! I never expected this kind of financial outlay for my own wedding - and didn't get it. (I didn't even have a hen - but that is an entirely personal choice, and I know that nearly everybody else has one.)

Is there any way that I can explain that she is being ever so slightly unreasonable - she's highly strung and likely to cry and I don't want to upset her so close to her wedding/ hen etc., but it is all getting out of hand as she wants more and more - she now wants me at the venue for the week before the wedding to help her, which means an even higher hotel bill - or should I just suck it up and hope to God she only gets married once?

[Escallonia]

Well done, you sound like you've handled it very tactfully. What about her idea of you staying in the hotel for the week before, hope you've managed to quash that one as well.

Make sure you get DD into at least a couple of the pics - the bride can hold her surely?

[Puffykins]

Thank you all for your comments and helpful suggestions. I have told her that I won't go to the hen during the day (despite my having organised it!) - she says that she's really sad and feels awful etc. etc. but, well, quite frankly, there's nothing else I can do! I can join them in the evenings when my husband gets home and can look after our DD.
StealthPolarBear - I too was a little flabbergasted when I was told that DD probably wouldn't be in the official photos - especially since she is having TWO photographers AND a video person to make sure that everything is captured for all posterity, but, well, there we go.
And JoJo yes, thank you, you are totally right. It is a day not a year (which believe me this has been!) and one shouldn't have to spend vast amounts of money to prove that one is a good friend.
Anyway, thank you again, it's been really helpful to hear that I'm not being unreasonable (between her and her sister I was feeling somewhat emotionally blackmailed) and to hear from other Bridezilla's who have gone back to normal! (Giving me hope. . . . )

[onceamai]

YANBU. Tell her what you can and what you can't afford. The whole wedding thing has become absurd. We got married in 1991. Everything was organised behind the scenes before the engagement was announced. We got married four months later - lovely wedding, very little fuss. My hen night was a wonderful lunch at a restaurant on the river - about 8 of us. Hasn't your friend's mother told her to belt up yet?

[Barmcake]

I am completely flabbergasted at her cheek, you said she has just forked out for a porche but you have to pay for your dds bridesmaid dress and the rest
Can you play her at her own game and turn on the waterworks when she suggests paying 10 gbp per hour for a babysitter so you can attend her hen party and all the other ridiculous demands she is asking of you.
Good luck

[StealthPolarBear]

How can she want a cute baby bridesmaid in a matching dress, but not to have her in the photos??

[QuintessentialShadows]

This woman is not a good friend. I am sorry, but she isnt.

She is a spoilt bitch walking all over you.

If she knows you are struggling for money, she is highly insensitive asking you to pay for stuff it is not even common for members of the bridal party to pay for, like bridesmaids dresses. It is tactless and impolite.

She is a rude show off.

I am sure, if you cast your mind back, you will possibly realize that this is what she is like, it is just accentuated by the wedding.

You need to tell her "NO".

Say, "I wont be at the venue a week before. I cant afford it, and it is not practical with childcare"
"I wont come to the hen, I cant afford it, and I cant find childcare"
"I will buy the dress, but that is as far as additional expenses go"

To be honest, she is able to buy extravagant stuff for herself, because she is milking her friends and let them pay for stuff she should fork out for.

[Icelollycraving]

I was completely caught up in wedding fever,however if I wanted something for the day I paid for it. My bms did not pay for anything at all.
With regard to her hen,just say as important as it is for you,it's proving to be a problem with childcare & finances but you obviously have to celebrate!
I had a close friend who said she would arrange my hen to Paris etc & I said it would be too expensive etc & couldn't expect people to spend that kind of money! She actually proved to be a crap friend but that's a different story. I had dinner with friends,it prob cost £40 each,they paid for me :)
Then had tea at claridges with mum & sisters which was lovely.
Tell her if she wants to spend £500 then lucky her! Give her a few options that are reasonable both in terms of budget & activities after sounding out a few of the other ladies who are struggling with childcare & money. If she gets stroppy ask if she would pay that for someone else & if money is no issue then perhaps she would like to pay for a bm dress for her god daughter.
Go armed with plans & info so she thinks it's special,god I hope I wasn't this bridezilla like!! Good luck :)

[Northernlurker]

£700 and you have to farm out your baby at least twice to focus on her? Dear Lord!

Say NO to the hotel. Stand firm on the hen do day and do what you are comfortable with. Assure her you love her and it will be a wonderful day. If she then kicks off feel free to point out she's behaving absurdly - a friend of such longstanding can hear that.

[ENormaSnob]

Well said jojo.

[chunkyjojo]

This is CRAZY! Why do we all put up with this?? Its about time all of us friends/sisters/bridesmaids put our foot down, I am sick to death of friends going all bridezilla on my ass within minutes of announcing the engagement. Yeah yeah we know its YOUR DAY but its not your fucking YEAR! How much money and time am I supposed to spend on anyone to prove what a good friend I am?

Stop with the excuses of shes normally so nice, she's had a hard time etc etc and tell her she is being totally unreasonable, thoughtless and selfish.

I wish someone would write a book an pre wedding ettiquette (sp? I've had a glass or two) especially for the bride...

Grrr can you tell i've been in the same boat?

[maras2]

I'm speechless.How can you sound so nice but be best friends with such a mercenary , precious bitch.The whole no photo stuff about your lovely baby should have made you get your claws out and yell' 'No more you self obsessed ratbag,find someone else to do your skivying'. There's no such thing as Bridezilla, just a sad cow who is used to having her own way.

[saffronwblue]

It sounds as if you inhabit completely different worlds where it comes to money. She lives in a world where people make big financical gestures, moan about how they've run out of money and then are magically rich again next month. You live in the real world where a big financial gesture sets you back for years.

I have a friend like this and I have realised over the years that nothing I do is ever quite enough in her eyes.

[MosEisley]

So she's being very demanding of your time and money, and expecting you to put maximum effort into her day. However if you tell her you can't do so much, she is likely to become emotional and get upset. How very convenient for her!

Say no. Be kind with your words. Be logical and consistent. But say no to the things you cannot compromise on.

If she is as good a friend as you say, she'll get over it for the sake of your friendship. If she doesn't, maybe she isn't as good a friend as you thought.

[piprabbit]

Hope you have a giant body bib to keep the lace clean until the baby is put on display.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Oh, I have. But her eyes start brimming and she makes me feel mean."
"a lot of this is nurture over nature"

Hmm. Tbh, that makes me think that she knows she is being unreasonable. Can you use that? E.g., you tell her you can't meet her demands, she wells up, you say something along the lines of -"no, you did that the last time - don't do the 'pathetic little me' and make me feel bad, you're a city slicker, we have to address this now."

[chocolatehobnobs]

. I speak as a former bridezilla and was really highly strung around the wedding (back to sanity now) . She is lucky to have such a supportive bridemaid. my chief bridesmaid was really self consumed ttc, and spent the day before my wedding having her curly hair set in curlers at her hairdressers as she didn't trust my cheaper hairdresser!
Give her a hug, tell her you love her but simple don't have the money or family support to give or do any more. Sounds like she has lost a sense of reality. Yes this is her big day but you have a family and budget to consider. I think it would be reasonable to take your babe along for part of the hen do.she is unreasonable to ask you to spend so much. At my hen do we had several events over a weekend so people could come to all or just part and we were careful to keep costs down. If she doesn't want a baby at the hen tell her you will only be able to come in the evening
Good luck!

[Puffykins]

No the bridesmaid's dress isn't made of truffles but it is made of antique French lace to match her dress . . . .

[Puffykins]

No I'm not a bridesmaid. I'm her long suffering best friend. She's not having grown up bridesmaids, just tinies. And this is falling on my shoulders because I've known her for so long - literally we went to primary school together, ballet lessons, prep school, pony club, spent our teenage years skanking around Ken Market and going to inappropriate clubs, have supported each other through thick and thin (though I admit I have probably done more supporting than she has - but then I have had an easier go of it, and have needed less support.) But you catch my drift.
In two years hence this will all be forgotten, and she'll have her own babies, and she'll understand. Just now, she doesn't, and the hen is next weekend and the wedding soon after that.

[Escallonia]

I was about to say, in what way can an 8mo actually "be" a bridesmaid - she will have to be held by someone the whole time, so either you / DH are there walking down the aisle / in the photos too (or Bridezilla has to get rid of the bouquet and have your DD in her arms instead!). But see that you have been suckered into the dress. But £100 to make a dress for a baby?!? Is it made of truffles or something?

Feel for you but you have to be firm, fair and friendly. Hen do - You've asked, she's silent ... just do the evenings unless she tells you different. Don't start spending £10 ph on babysitters for an entire day. Silence is a good negotiating technique, she's hoping you'll crack if she says nothing, but obv you have no room for manoeuvre wrt DD so don't pursue this now you've suggested the evenings only plan.

As for being there for the whole week in run up to wedding, just don't countenance it, no ums, erms, maybes. Just "I'm sorry but I can't do that, but I will be all yours from the day / night / morning before." Are you a BM by the way? Just wondering why this is all falling on your shoulders?

[Puffykins]

What I also didn't explain is that she's had a rough couple of years with such things as a cancer scare (which meant one of her ovaries has had to be removed) and various other things - so she really wants this to be a proper celebration, and to go all out, and it's quite hard to quell someone's excitement when for a while both you wondered if they were ever going to make it down the aisle.
I've known her so long that she's like one of my sisters.
But nonetheless, this can't go on.

[Bumperlicioso]

Wtf does she need you at the venue forva week for? Jeez all this for one fricking day, it astounds me! Say no to the week, if you can't get childcare for dd either she comes or you just go to the evening. £700 on someone else's wedding when you have a family is ridiculous. It's ONE DAY!

[FabbyChic]

It's good to hear you are going to put your foot down, sounds like she can turn on the tears to her advantage.

[Puffykins]

Thank you! It's too late for much of it (the bridesmaid dress was already practically made before I found out I had to pay for it, etc.) but I am going to put my foot down about other things!
I know her parents very well too, and, well, a lot of this is nurture over nature . . . . Which makes it easier to understand (from my end) but no easier to deal with.

[omaoma]

You know what, I would just 'forget' to get your daughter's outfit. If she's not going to be in the pictures, or allowed in the church, so what? Make up some excuse that she chucked up over it that morning and you had to have something else and get something in in the right colours/customise a bought outfit with the right ribbon or something.

Or start giving her choices between ridiculous demands. Say: 'I'm so sorry. I'm struggling to get the money together for both the hen and the outfit. Which woudl you rather I spent the money on, I just can't cover both, I'm afraid. I know it's importnat to you so I'll leave it in your hands to decide.' Start giving her either/ors, so it's still her choice but she's not getting everything she wants. if she starts having a tearful fit at these choices at any time say 'I'll leave you to think it over, I can see it's a difficult decision, so just let me know.'

She will wake up from Bridezilla nightmare at some point (I did!) and in the meantime just stop engaging with it. She's being a stupid cow! Try and let it wash over you.

[MillsAndDoom]

In a couple of years she will look back and cringe at herself and her bridezillaness. Be honest but be diplomatic