to be exasperated about my best friend turning into Bridezilla. And ask WWYD? (This is a bit long, sorry.)

[Puffykins]

I have known Bridezilla all my life. She is normally caring, thoughtful, generous, we've been friends forever, she is my DDs Godmother, etc. Since she became engaged, however, she has become somewhat self-obsessed - a certain amount of which I can deal with, I love discussing weddings and hearing about details, am delighted to help her source things that she needs and go to all 8 of her dressfittings, and am happy to listen to any difficulties she is having, etc.

However, on a number of issues, I am beginning to become so frustrated that I want to scream. For instance:

1.) She wants my DD to be a bridesmaid - which is lovely, and I'm touched. She's 8 months, and can't walk, and she's just told me that she doesn't think she'll be in any photographs as she's too little and can't look after himself. This is fine, and I understand, but I suggested that perhaps I didn't need to get her fitted for the little outfit (which is costing me £100) - which I expressed charmingly (honestly!). No, she really wants her in a little outfit because she really wants her to be part of her day. Which is lovely. Although she's told me that I have to take her out of church if she makes so much as a squeak (which surprised me a little - obviously I would - she didn't need to say it.)

2.) The hen. Which she asked me to organise. I thought perhaps it would be a day and a night, not an entire weekend, which, it transpires, is what she wanted. Four of the hens (including me) have babies. One is unemployed. Two are students. Nonetheless, she expected us all to spend approximately £500 each going away for the weekend. This is no longer happening, but nonetheless the weekend is not cheap - in addition to which I'm doing a lot of shopping, cooking, and lot of organisation has gone into it. Many of the girls can't come to all of it, partly because of the expense, partly because of the babies - which she's banned, because "I want all the focus to be on me, and for everybody to be able to concentrate on having fun." She wants me to be at all of it, however, and I'm having real problems organising childcare - my husband was going to do it, but is now working (this is unavoidable and non-negotiable) and my family do not live close and are busy. A babysitter around here costs £10 an hour. I suggested that maybe I bring DD during the day, which would work (I know, because I organised it) and DH will look after her in the evenings. No, that won't wash, and I've been told to 'push for other childcare options.'

I genuinely love this girl, Bridezilla, and want her to enjoy herself and know that this will pass and she will become normal again (I hope!) But she knows that I'm not made of money - both my husband and I are freelance and work really hard to make ends meet - we're not on the breadline, but we haven't been on holiday since our honeymoon, and any spare cash goes into the mortgage/ saving a fund for DS - I know that it's different priorities - and I can afford to spend the £700 I'm spending on her wedding (including the hen party, the hotel, her wedding present, DDs bridesmaid outfit) but it will come out of savings and I don't want to! I never expected this kind of financial outlay for my own wedding - and didn't get it. (I didn't even have a hen - but that is an entirely personal choice, and I know that nearly everybody else has one.)

Is there any way that I can explain that she is being ever so slightly unreasonable - she's highly strung and likely to cry and I don't want to upset her so close to her wedding/ hen etc., but it is all getting out of hand as she wants more and more - she now wants me at the venue for the week before the wedding to help her, which means an even higher hotel bill - or should I just suck it up and hope to God she only gets married once?

So she's being very demanding of your time and money, and expecting you to put maximum effort into her day. However if you tell her you can't do so much, she is likely to become emotional and get upset. How very convenient for her!

Say no. Be kind with your words. Be logical and consistent. But say no to the things you cannot compromise on.

If she is as good a friend as you say, she'll get over it for the sake of your friendship. If she doesn't, maybe she isn't as good a friend as you thought.

It sounds as if you inhabit completely different worlds where it comes to money. She lives in a world where people make big financical gestures, moan about how they've run out of money and then are magically rich again next month. You live in the real world where a big financial gesture sets you back for years.

I have a friend like this and I have realised over the years that nothing I do is ever quite enough in her eyes.

I'm speechless.How can you sound so nice but be best friends with such a mercenary , precious bitch.The whole no photo stuff about your lovely baby should have made you get your claws out and yell' 'No more you self obsessed ratbag,find someone else to do your skivying'. There's no such thing as Bridezilla, just a sad cow who is used to having her own way.

This is CRAZY! Why do we all put up with this?? Its about time all of us friends/sisters/bridesmaids put our foot down, I am sick to death of friends going all bridezilla on my ass within minutes of announcing the engagement. Yeah yeah we know its YOUR DAY but its not your fucking YEAR! How much money and time am I supposed to spend on anyone to prove what a good friend I am?

Stop with the excuses of shes normally so nice, she's had a hard time etc etc and tell her she is being totally unreasonable, thoughtless and selfish.

I wish someone would write a book an pre wedding ettiquette (sp? I've had a glass or two) especially for the bride...

Grrr can you tell i've been in the same boat?

Well said jojo.

£700 and you have to farm out your baby at least twice to focus on her? Dear Lord!

Say NO to the hotel. Stand firm on the hen do day and do what you are comfortable with. Assure her you love her and it will be a wonderful day. If she then kicks off feel free to point out she's behaving absurdly - a friend of such longstanding can hear that.

I was completely caught up in wedding fever,however if I wanted something for the day I paid for it. My bms did not pay for anything at all.
With regard to her hen,just say as important as it is for you,it's proving to be a problem with childcare & finances but you obviously have to celebrate!
I had a close friend who said she would arrange my hen to Paris etc & I said it would be too expensive etc & couldn't expect people to spend that kind of money! She actually proved to be a crap friend but that's a different story. I had dinner with friends,it prob cost £40 each,they paid for me :)
Then had tea at claridges with mum & sisters which was lovely.
Tell her if she wants to spend £500 then lucky her! Give her a few options that are reasonable both in terms of budget & activities after sounding out a few of the other ladies who are struggling with childcare & money. If she gets stroppy ask if she would pay that for someone else & if money is no issue then perhaps she would like to pay for a bm dress for her god daughter.
Go armed with plans & info so she thinks it's special,god I hope I wasn't this bridezilla like!! Good luck :)

This woman is not a good friend. I am sorry, but she isnt.

She is a spoilt bitch walking all over you.

If she knows you are struggling for money, she is highly insensitive asking you to pay for stuff it is not even common for members of the bridal party to pay for, like bridesmaids dresses. It is tactless and impolite.

She is a rude show off.

I am sure, if you cast your mind back, you will possibly realize that this is what she is like, it is just accentuated by the wedding.

You need to tell her "NO".

Say, "I wont be at the venue a week before. I cant afford it, and it is not practical with childcare"
"I wont come to the hen, I cant afford it, and I cant find childcare"
"I will buy the dress, but that is as far as additional expenses go"

To be honest, she is able to buy extravagant stuff for herself, because she is milking her friends and let them pay for stuff she should fork out for.

How can she want a cute baby bridesmaid in a matching dress, but not to have her in the photos??

I am completely flabbergasted at her cheek, you said she has just forked out for a porche but you have to pay for your dds bridesmaid dress and the rest
Can you play her at her own game and turn on the waterworks when she suggests paying 10 gbp per hour for a babysitter so you can attend her hen party and all the other ridiculous demands she is asking of you.
Good luck

YANBU. Tell her what you can and what you can't afford. The whole wedding thing has become absurd. We got married in 1991. Everything was organised behind the scenes before the engagement was announced. We got married four months later - lovely wedding, very little fuss. My hen night was a wonderful lunch at a restaurant on the river - about 8 of us. Hasn't your friend's mother told her to belt up yet?

Thank you all for your comments and helpful suggestions. I have told her that I won't go to the hen during the day (despite my having organised it!) - she says that she's really sad and feels awful etc. etc. but, well, quite frankly, there's nothing else I can do! I can join them in the evenings when my husband gets home and can look after our DD.

StealthPolarBear - I too was a little flabbergasted when I was told that DD probably wouldn't be in the official photos - especially since she is having TWO photographers AND a video person to make sure that everything is captured for all posterity, but, well, there we go.
And JoJo yes, thank you, you are totally right. It is a day not a year (which believe me this has been!) and one shouldn't have to spend vast amounts of money to prove that one is a good friend.
Anyway, thank you again, it's been really helpful to hear that I'm not being unreasonable (between her and her sister I was feeling somewhat emotionally blackmailed) and to hear from other Bridezilla's who have gone back to normal! (Giving me hope. . . . )

Well done, you sound like you've handled it very tactfully. What about her idea of you staying in the hotel for the week before, hope you've managed to quash that one as well.

Make sure you get DD into at least a couple of the pics - the bride can hold her surely?