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to think i'm busier with toddler and twins than three singletons?

36 replies

doradaisy · 30/03/2011 16:27

don't want to cause a row in the 'i'm a busier mother than you' conversation but this issue came up when a friend came to visit recently.

i have a very active 3 year old and ID twin boys who are 8 months. the last few months have been crazy busy, although i've been loving it! i got help at the beginning (mother MIL, friends) but am doing most on my own as DH works long hours. am not complaining or anything as I chose to have these children and am delighted and proud of them. however, without sounding a bit naughty, am very intolerant of people telling me how busy they are.

she said her sister was much busier with her 3 children than i was as they were "at totally different stages" and that at least my twins "do everything at the same time". (ya right)

i felt slightly annoyed as she was kind of undermining how busy and tough i've found the last few months (i do play it down though as i really don't want to sounds like a twin - i'm - so-busy-bore). i know she didn't mean it but it begged the question:

are you busier with one child and set of twins OR with 3 children? is being busy a perception? a work colleague of mine has one child and is always 'half killed' by how busy she is (kind of drives me nuts to listen to it!) also, my brother, who has no children, is always too busy to reply to calls/texts, don't ask me what he does with his time. He says things like 'i'm so busy and tired today as had to get up at 8am!! this is a lie in for me!!!!

anyway, just wondering what you think! no offence intended to anyone :)

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 30/03/2011 16:29

FGS, it's not a competition is it?


whatsallthehullaballoo · 30/03/2011 16:30

Er.....I don't know. It surely depends on how the children are temperament wise. I am childminder and have 3 x 2 and under full time. They are quite hard but as they are all similar ages it works well.


doradaisy · 30/03/2011 16:31

gawd, i do sound a bit self-righteous actually when i read it back! sorry

OP posts:

Firawla · 30/03/2011 16:32

I think you are both quite busy, why does it have to be a competition? Just ignore her. Also people's perceptions of busy is different, when you just had your 1st did you not feel busy at times? also some people are not organised so it makes them feel more harrased/busy whereas with more sometimes you have to be organised to enable you to go places on time etc which can give people the impression your less busy because you cope well?


thefurryone · 30/03/2011 16:33

My Granny had identical twins by surprise, they were her 3rd and 4th children, she says they were by far her easiest as they played with each other and people were more willing to help. So accordingly you therefore must have it easier than your friends sister Hmm


everlong · 30/03/2011 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliceliddell · 30/03/2011 16:35

I have only one (naturally perfect/gifted) child so no axe to grind. Have seen 3 kids and 1 +2 kids. And a few sets of triplets. Trips are the worst, then twins + 1, then twins. Because they do everything simultaneously, eg try getting toddler triplets in a car. You can only carry 2, the other 1 is where? In buggy? With some other adult? Both lead to shrieking. No, YANBU.


bronze · 30/03/2011 16:38

6 of 1. Half a dozen of th eother. You may have two babie sneeding you at the same time, she may have two of her children needing her to do completely different things at the same time.
Also depends on your personalitiies

I think it sounds like your friend is feeling stressed and is crying out for some help but isn't being offered it but sees you getting help? Maybe?


lesley33 · 30/03/2011 16:38

Not having children doesn't mean you can't be busy. IMO there are 2 kinds of busy.

  1. Where you are busy doing things you have to do e.g. working long hours, looking after children, caring for elderly or disabled parents, DIY.

2. Things you don't have to but choose to do e.g. socialising, voluntary work, sports.

Your brother may be very busy doing things from both list 1 and 2 without having any children. He may see getting up at 8am as early because he regularly is out till 1 or 2am. I know people (without kids) who do this often during the week.
So on that basis YABU

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 30/03/2011 16:40

well surely 1 toddler and twins = 3 children??

Depends on the individual child surely!


Thomcat · 30/03/2011 16:41

I agree, it's not a competition.
She feels busy and like she has it tough and so do you.
It probably all evens out one way or the other in the busy department one way or the other anyway!
And if she feels she has it so tough, tougher than you, think to yourself 'fine, well I'm coping better than you then' if that helps.
But really, why not just not worry about it, as you say you're busy enough.

At one stage I had a child with SN's who couldn't walk, a 20 month old and a new baby so I was busier than you both so there! Wink


trixie123 · 30/03/2011 16:41

everyone's definition is different. My sis (no kids) works part time 10-3 each day and is always on facebook going on about weekend lie ins and thank god its friday and how she doesn't have time to do any exercise and it drives me just a little bit nuts but I restrain myself from responding (in any way). Have always thought twins would be incredibly hard to manage and factor in a toddler as well and I have no idea where I would start!


Pumpster · 30/03/2011 16:42

It's not a competition. However! I can identify with feeling irrititated by other people being so 'busy'. My friend at work has no kids and is always 'too busy' to do stuff (eg I read a lot- she is too busy) yet I have a job and 4 children plus a step daughter. So I do inwardly roll my eyes but I do appreciate I'm being unreasonable!


lesley33 · 30/03/2011 16:44

But pumpster she may be busy with non kid things.


Violethill · 30/03/2011 16:45

What desperate says.

And there are numerous other variables anyway.

You say you had help at the beginning from family and friends, which some people don't get. Are you working? Because if not, people with three children and a job (or even two children and a job) may feel they're busier than a sahp.

You are probably busier than some people, and not as busy as others.

And does it really matter anyway?


chutneypig · 30/03/2011 16:45

I only have twins, but I'd say that doing everything at the same time sometimes makes things easier and often harder. I do not, for example, remember teething with any affection. And certain behaviour stages are very hard, because it's not simply double, they amplify each other.

I can definitely see there are different challenges with children of different ages and I think I have a lot of things easier now as mine are almost 4. The first year was tough and with you having twins that age and a singleton, YANBU to be annoyed with that comment.


pjmama · 30/03/2011 16:49

Kids = busy!

Twins bring their own unique challenges and probably make some other aspects easier, but lets face it - how many people (regardless of how many children they have) breeze through the early years and come out the other side saying "well, that was a doddle!"

Parenting is just bloody hard work and it's not a competition!


FanillaFudge · 30/03/2011 16:49

Errr....clearly you have too much time on your hands to be thinking about this so much.

So I'll say You Are Not Busy



Maryz · 30/03/2011 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

therealmrsbeckham · 30/03/2011 16:53

I've never had twins so maybe i'm not qualified to comment, however I do have DD aged 10 with many afterschool/weekend activities,sleepovers,homework etc etc etc and ds1 aged 4 (not at school yet) also with plenty of activities and DS2 aged 4 months so i'd say I bloody busy - Do I win? Grin


BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2011 16:58

Id definately imagine that having multiples is more difficult than having singles. I have a 5 year old and a 14 month old, Im 31 weeks pregnant with number 3 so Ill have a 16 month gap between my youngest too - I would still imagine that twins would be harder than my 3 singles. Shrugs.. dunno though - I havent experienced both so cant be sure.

Why the competition though? I laugh at this on Mumsnet/ RL - why is everyone trying to be the biggest martyr? I would definately not fight for the "hardest life" position. I'd much rather have the easy one and would wear the title with pride Grin.

aunt: "xxx (her daughter) is due to go back to work next month (after maternity leave), shes dreading it, its going to be so so hard.

Me: ah of course she is, the poor thing, I hope shes ok. She'll be fine though, the lead up/ thoughts of it is horrible but in no time she'll get into a routine..

aunt: oh no! its going to be so hard on her!! she has to travel to xxx every day!!.

Me: stop worrying! she'll be fine, when I went back after dd(1), I worked in xxx too and its not as bad as it sounds..

aunt: but noooo, it'll be much harder on her because she has a different role...

Me: ok Smile

See? she can have the hardest life badge. I dont want it but find it so, so strange that anyone would wish for it.

Also, people are different/ we all have different coping levels/ stress levels/ ambition levels. My friend is single, young, lives at home with parents. She works part time 15 hours a week and started a part time college course but had to quite after 6 weeks as she found it too exhausting and was missing too much as she likes to nap in the evenings. Im pregnant with number 3, ds is just 14 months, I work 40 hours and am studying for my law degree at night (full time course, just doing it at night). Genuinely, some times I think Im lazy. Horses for courses, we're all different, each to their own etc, etc..


BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2011 17:00

sorry - hit post too soon. Friend would say she is very busy. I dont think Im as busy as it sounds. All relative/ depends on perspective..


Twinmummy79 · 30/03/2011 17:03

I have 26 month old twins. They are a blast! Play together very happily and on a good day I can get tons done round the house whilst they happily entertain each other. I see it the other way. When people get into a slagging match about how busy they are I just say yes I know I am very lucky with a smug smile. I am not going to get into a dialogue about who has it harder. I do have days where it is bloody awful but doesnt everybody? After years of infertility I see my kids as an absolute joy and feel lucky every day. Even when the other mums at toddler group look at me pityingly while I have two kids in meltdown I still feel very lucky as for me being a mummy didn't come easy.

Though at 8 months they were hard work VERY hard work. Just wait until they get older OP you will feel very blessed indeed.


nobodyimportant · 30/03/2011 17:04

I think it probably varies with age and stage really. I'd imagine twin babies would be very intense but that as they grow up things should ease off a bit. When they go to pre-school/school they will be going to the same place at the same time. You'll have one to school and 2 to pre-school rather than 1 to school, 1 to pre-school and all to do with a baby in tow. Then all 3 will be in school so you'll only have one year of doing the pre-school thing with those two children instead of two. The chances are that as they get older they will attend the same out of school activities and be there at the same time. So only one lot of swimming lessons to take them to instead of two. So I think there will definitely be times when it is easier. I shouldn't think that when they're 8 months old is really it though LOL, probably more like 4+.


lockets · 30/03/2011 17:06

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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