to think i'm busier with toddler and twins than three singletons?

[doradaisy]

hi,
don't want to cause a row in the 'i'm a busier mother than you' conversation but this issue came up when a friend came to visit recently.

i have a very active 3 year old and ID twin boys who are 8 months. the last few months have been crazy busy, although i've been loving it! i got help at the beginning (mother MIL, friends) but am doing most on my own as DH works long hours. am not complaining or anything as I chose to have these children and am delighted and proud of them. however, without sounding a bit naughty, am very intolerant of people telling me how busy they are.

she said her sister was much busier with her 3 children than i was as they were "at totally different stages" and that at least my twins "do everything at the same time". (ya right)

i felt slightly annoyed as she was kind of undermining how busy and tough i've found the last few months (i do play it down though as i really don't want to sounds like a twin - i'm - so-busy-bore). i know she didn't mean it but it begged the question:

are you busier with one child and set of twins OR with 3 children? is being busy a perception? a work colleague of mine has one child and is always 'half killed' by how busy she is (kind of drives me nuts to listen to it!) also, my brother, who has no children, is always too busy to reply to calls/texts, don't ask me what he does with his time. He says things like 'i'm so busy and tired today as had to get up at 8am!! this is a lie in for me!!!!

anyway, just wondering what you think! no offence intended to anyone :)

[LouMacca]

I share your pain too OP

I remember a friend of mine saying 'you have no idea how hard it is having 2 children' FGS I have twins!! When I reminded her I did actualy have 2 children she said 'yes but yours do everything at the same time it's much harder having 2 of different ages!'

As others have said you can't really compare, all children are different and nobody can judge how hard it is unless they walk in your shoes. Anyway OP sounds like your doing a great job!

[TobyLerone]

I think it depends. My ex's boss (who had twin babies) once told me that he thought I had it much harder than him and his wife because I had 2 under 2.

It's not a competition. You are no more special than anyone else just because you have twins, OP.

[BagofHolly]

I share your pain! My toddler is 25 months and my twins are 12 weeks and both have reflux. My life is a tantrumming river of screaming sick. It not a competition but if it was, I'd win and you would come second!

And i had ICSI for all mine. I'm eternally thankful and love them to death, but that doesn't stop me wanting to list them - or myself - on eBay from time to time!

[Olessaty]

Life is busy. I just deal with each day. Don't compare. It gets you down. Take your circumstances and do the best you can.

[legspinner]

Oh, this struck a chord with me, having twins and a singleton. Swings and roundabouts, definitely. At some stages it's been hell and at others much easier, depends on the stage, temperaments etc. Now they are all at school and TBH things do seem much easier than families with 3 all at different ages. In the early days though most people seemed to look on me with pity and say "wow, you must be so busy"....

Any of you twin mums want to get into the "which is easier...twins first or second?" debate?

[SoupDragon]

Too be honest, I think you just cope with what you've got and, at that time, believe you couldn't deal with anything more. If someone had told me when i was struggling with my PFB son that in 7 years time I would be dealing with 2 children and a newborn single handedly I would have laughed at them. I did cope though and I don't feel any busier than I was with just one. Clearly I am though - especially now they are al at school and all need to be in different places at different times.

[doradaisy]

very interesting perspectives - thanks all :)

barbielovesken - i like 'hardest life' theory, it's true, some mother's can be martyrs

it's true that some people have different coping mechanisms

twinmummy 79 - thanks for info on your twins!! sounds like have lots to look forward to :0

i reckon us mother's should rem to be more supportive. it's not a competition, although sometimes it does feel competitive

[therealmrsbeckham]

Actually having just told you all how busy I am i've just realised that i've spent most of today on mumsnet DD at school, DS1 at pre school and DS2 sleeping and playing - take back my prize i'm thoroughly ashamed of myself

[3ismylot]

I think it depends on your kids and what you deem important to achieve in a day that determines how busy you are

I have a 4yo and 19 month old twins and I do have a busy day most days but its only as busy as I make it.

I honestly think that having 3 singletons would be a lot harder than having my twins as they play so nicely together (most of the time!!) and keep each other amused whereas when I just had ds1 he was a nightmare to keep entertained as he always wanted my attention!

I think that you just manage what you have and find a way to make it work, some people will always moan that they have it harder than others, thats just life.

[nobodyimportant]

I think it probably varies with age and stage really. I'd imagine twin babies would be very intense but that as they grow up things should ease off a bit. When they go to pre-school/school they will be going to the same place at the same time. You'll have one to school and 2 to pre-school rather than 1 to school, 1 to pre-school and all to do with a baby in tow. Then all 3 will be in school so you'll only have one year of doing the pre-school thing with those two children instead of two. The chances are that as they get older they will attend the same out of school activities and be there at the same time. So only one lot of swimming lessons to take them to instead of two. So I think there will definitely be times when it is easier. I shouldn't think that when they're 8 months old is really it though LOL, probably more like 4+.

[Twinmummy79]

I have 26 month old twins. They are a blast! Play together very happily and on a good day I can get tons done round the house whilst they happily entertain each other. I see it the other way. When people get into a slagging match about how busy they are I just say yes I know I am very lucky with a smug smile. I am not going to get into a dialogue about who has it harder. I do have days where it is bloody awful but doesnt everybody? After years of infertility I see my kids as an absolute joy and feel lucky every day. Even when the other mums at toddler group look at me pityingly while I have two kids in meltdown I still feel very lucky as for me being a mummy didn't come easy.

Though at 8 months they were hard work VERY hard work. Just wait until they get older OP you will feel very blessed indeed.

[BarbieLovesKen]

sorry - hit post too soon. Friend would say she is very busy. I dont think Im as busy as it sounds. All relative/ depends on perspective..

[BarbieLovesKen]

Id definately imagine that having multiples is more difficult than having singles. I have a 5 year old and a 14 month old, Im 31 weeks pregnant with number 3 so Ill have a 16 month gap between my youngest too - I would still imagine that twins would be harder than my 3 singles. Shrugs.. dunno though - I havent experienced both so cant be sure.

Why the competition though? I laugh at this on Mumsnet/ RL - why is everyone trying to be the biggest martyr? I would definately not fight for the "hardest life" position. I'd much rather have the easy one and would wear the title with pride .

aunt: "xxx (her daughter) is due to go back to work next month (after maternity leave), shes dreading it, its going to be so so hard.

Me: ah of course she is, the poor thing, I hope shes ok. She'll be fine though, the lead up/ thoughts of it is horrible but in no time she'll get into a routine..

aunt: oh no! its going to be so hard on her!! she has to travel to xxx every day!!.

Me: stop worrying! she'll be fine, when I went back after dd(1), I worked in xxx too and its not as bad as it sounds..

aunt: but noooo, it'll be much harder on her because she has a different role...

Me: ok

See? she can have the hardest life badge. I dont want it but find it so, so strange that anyone would wish for it.

Also, people are different/ we all have different coping levels/ stress levels/ ambition levels. My friend is single, young, lives at home with parents. She works part time 15 hours a week and started a part time college course but had to quite after 6 weeks as she found it too exhausting and was missing too much as she likes to nap in the evenings. Im pregnant with number 3, ds is just 14 months, I work 40 hours and am studying for my law degree at night (full time course, just doing it at night). Genuinely, some times I think Im lazy. Horses for courses, we're all different, each to their own etc, etc..

[therealmrsbeckham]

I've never had twins so maybe i'm not qualified to comment, however I do have DD aged 10 with many afterschool/weekend activities,sleepovers,homework etc etc etc and ds1 aged 4 (not at school yet) also with plenty of activities and DS2 aged 4 months so i'd say I bloody busy - Do I win?

[FanillaFudge]

Errr....clearly you have too much time on your hands to be thinking about this so much.

So I'll say You Are Not Busy

[pjmama]

Kids = busy!

Twins bring their own unique challenges and probably make some other aspects easier, but lets face it - how many people (regardless of how many children they have) breeze through the early years and come out the other side saying "well, that was a doddle!"

Parenting is just bloody hard work and it's not a competition!

[chutneypig]

I only have twins, but I'd say that doing everything at the same time sometimes makes things easier and often harder. I do not, for example, remember teething with any affection. And certain behaviour stages are very hard, because it's not simply double, they amplify each other.

I can definitely see there are different challenges with children of different ages and I think I have a lot of things easier now as mine are almost 4. The first year was tough and with you having twins that age and a singleton, YANBU to be annoyed with that comment.

[Violethill]

What desperate says.

And there are numerous other variables anyway.

You say you had help at the beginning from family and friends, which some people don't get. Are you working? Because if not, people with three children and a job (or even two children and a job) may feel they're busier than a sahp.

You are probably busier than some people, and not as busy as others.

And does it really matter anyway?

[lesley33]

But pumpster she may be busy with non kid things.

[Pumpster]

It's not a competition. However! I can identify with feeling irrititated by other people being so 'busy'. My friend at work has no kids and is always 'too busy' to do stuff (eg I read a lot- she is too busy) yet I have a job and 4 children plus a step daughter. So I do inwardly roll my eyes but I do appreciate I'm being unreasonable!

[trixie123]

everyone's definition is different. My sis (no kids) works part time 10-3 each day and is always on facebook going on about weekend lie ins and thank god its friday and how she doesn't have time to do any exercise and it drives me just a little bit nuts but I restrain myself from responding (in any way). Have always thought twins would be incredibly hard to manage and factor in a toddler as well and I have no idea where I would start!