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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to give birth my way?

74 replies

changedforamin · 30/03/2011 15:38

NAME CHANGED TO AVOID HER WRATH FURTHER!

I have a friend who is now a 'Doula'. No training and all earth mother. She seems to think having five kids of her own made her an expert!

She recently told her neighbour, the night before she was to be induced, not to go through with it. She said she was giving her child the best chance by speaking up as a baby should arrive when it does and her body would know when that time was. The lady was 40+6 and had severe swelling.

I am due to be induced at 37weeks with DC and she has informed me this is a wrong decision to take. I am taking it after several meetings with my consultant and to help prevent previous complications. I still hope to have a natural delivery.

AIBU to think it is none of her business and if I wanted her oppinion I would have asked?

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 30/03/2011 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

creaseistheword · 30/03/2011 15:39

Yep, totally ignore her. I have a pretty low opinion of doulas tbh.

babylann · 30/03/2011 15:41

Do what feels right for you and ignore her. Good luck with the birth!

LoveLeonardCohen · 30/03/2011 15:41

YANBU......people always full of advice and suggestions of what is right and wrong. Only you can decide with consultation with the doctors what is the best decision. Whatever happens the best result is that you end up with a healthy baby. She can have an opinion deosn't mean you have to follow it. Just say something like, 'Thanks for the advice'.....then do what you want anyway

Original poster

changedforamin · 30/03/2011 15:41

I didn't say a word Bluddymofo because I am pathetic like that!

OP posts:

Prunnhilda · 30/03/2011 15:42

Of course YANBU and you can also take comfort from the fact that if you want or need a medicalised birth, they have had a LOT of practise at providing one (even for those who don't want it)

Chil1234 · 30/03/2011 15:42

YANBU... Mother + consultant trumps well-meaning friend.

ENormaSnob · 30/03/2011 15:43

Your friend is a fucking idiot.

KnitterNotTwitter · 30/03/2011 15:44

Will it help if you tell your doula/friend that the entirety of MNet thinks that she's a banana but that you're reserving judgement :)

Ephiny · 30/03/2011 15:46

I thought the whole point of doulas was to support women's choices, not to tell them what to do or berate them for making 'wrong' decisions.

If she's a friend I'd just politely ignore - sounds like she's a bit evangelical about the whole 'natural' thing at the moment - and make your own decisions with the advice of your consultant. Which is what you are doing :)

If she's saying this stuff to other people though - I hope they realise doulas are not medically qualified and what she's saying is just her personal opinion/ideology?

RancerDoo · 30/03/2011 15:47

Obviously YANBU.

She's a doula. She ought to understand the importance of women making choices about labour and birth that they are comfortable with. Ignore her, of course.

AMumInScotland · 30/03/2011 15:47

YANBU - if you have talked it through with your consultant, who has undoubtedly experienced a lot more than 5 births, on top of a lot of medical training, then you know a lot more about your own personal situation than she does.

Original poster

changedforamin · 30/03/2011 15:48

Gosh you lot are fab!

She has ZERO medical experience, applied for midwifery and got rejected.

I just need to politely ignore her, and thank MNet for the sense to tell me so! x

OP posts:

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 30/03/2011 15:49

Is she a MW? No. So she shouldn't be commenting on whether her neighbour should be induced or whether you should be.

Does she have a medical degree? No. So she shouldn't be telling people not to do things that their consultants have agreed to.

Doulas are not HCPs. They are there to provide emotional (and physical!) support under whatever circumstances. Your friend needs to learn that.

DartsRus · 30/03/2011 15:49

Your friend is potentially dangerous.

I had a CS at 38 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. If any friend of mine was daft enough to try and push the "natural birth" agenda and I was naive enough to listen, me and DD would be dead by now.

mamatomany · 30/03/2011 15:51

Some doulas are brilliant, intelligent ones with common sense, the rest are a liability.

Prunnhilda · 30/03/2011 15:53

"Some doulas are brilliant, intelligent ones with common sense, the rest are a liability."

Very true.

Prunnhilda · 30/03/2011 15:54

TO be fair to her, she might not have been rejected from a midwifery course because of being a twit.
It's quite hard to get on one of those courses.

AMumInScotland · 30/03/2011 16:00

If you can face it, it's probably worth speaking to her to explain why she needs to think through what she's doing giving people this advice - it's all very well to talk about things being "natural" - women and babies dying in childbirth is also "natural", but we still try our best to avoid it. She should not be discouraging women from taking medical advice from the experts.

A polite but firm chat with her would help her and the pregnant women she encounters.

pippala · 30/03/2011 16:02

I recently "trained" as a doula, not that I could call it "training"
As it was three days of talking about the birth experiences of the other "doulas"
Unfortunatly this particular group of doulas are advocating mothers choices to go against medical advice.
ie mothers have the right to homebirth, refuse VE's,refuse CFM, refuse induction etc etc
I understand mothers should have a right to make their own birth choices but if a MW or Consultant thinks A,B or C is the best, safest way, shouldn't mothers and doulas listen to them?
The course I did seem to be very natural,active birth, and anti MW etc
The course leader talking about induction, view was , don't turn up at the time given, no one will come and get you!!
Doulas are not there to advice, but to support their clients in their choices but from what I have seen,heard etc doulas do give advice, otherwise they wouldn't be saying not to have VE's , CFM etc
I hope a women paying a doula to support them in their choices doesn't lose a baby because they stayed at home longer than they should. It is bound to happen one day.

GabbyLoggon · 30/03/2011 16:06

push for what you believe in. Good luck

LineRunner · 30/03/2011 16:06

DartsRus Not disagreeing with premise that the 'doula' is clearly out of her depth, but just wanted to note that it is possible to have 'natural' push-it-out birth even with pre-eclampsia. I had pre-eclampsia with both my children, and with #2 it was pretty serious. Anyway, to cut a long story short, there were inductions at 37 and 35 weeks. Both born healthy and fine. I think the medics were surprised though, standing by with their snappy scalpels!

stillfrazzled · 30/03/2011 16:06

I think I might know this lady - from FB, where she recently scared the shite out of an overdue friend of mine who had just booked her induction. Kept banging on about potential bonding problems due to inductions, injuries, keeping away from 'pushy' midwives and consultants and so on.

I posted (slightly passive-agressively, possibly ) that my friend shouldn't worry about horror stories, that my two medicalised births had been just fine and 'pushy' medical personnel had incidentally saved the lives of at least one of my DC.

Funnily enough she didn't say anything else. I like the idea of doulas and the ones on MN always give sage advice, but I cannot see the point of paying someone who only supports certain birth choices and terrifies you re all the others.

Stupid overbearing cow. Am still furious with her.

mamatomany · 30/03/2011 16:09

The thing is the medical staff lose baby's and mothers too but of course nobody says I told you so to them, it's a risky business giving birth and as the OP says, it's got to be her way with all the information available to her to make an informed decision.

saffy85 · 30/03/2011 16:12

YANBU she sounds like a nightmare. Don't know any doulas but heard great things about some. Your friend's shitty attitude could give others a bad name.

FWIW my DP's aunt has 8 kids and sees herself as a bit of an expert in childbirth and then raising them. She talks a load of old cobblers imo (example: she reckoned my sister could have had a natural delivery with the "power of positive thinking" don't think Pre-eclampisa works like that, but hey...) and should be ignored but I know other mums to be and new mums in the family listen to her and get anxious about doing the right thing wrt their babies. Bloody with they didn't.

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