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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call my EX and leave a bitchy voicemail?

79 replies

nonamesavalible · 29/03/2011 12:25

Actually probably but I don't care, my and H seperated a month ago and we have agreed he will have the DC's today at Midday, it is the first time he has seen them and promised me he wouldn't be late... but he is already 20 mins late, I have the DC's asking me where daddy is and I can hear the sadness in their voices and I don't know what to say.
I have tried calling him but his phone is switched off so I have left him a voicemail telling him that I think he is a twat and as useless as a father as is was a husband.
I had plans for the day but I have now got to cancel which isn't a big deal but I was looking forward to some me time.
So angry but WIBU?

OP posts:

plopplopquack · 29/03/2011 13:15

Wow he hasn't seen them for a month! Poor kids.

Fanilla · 29/03/2011 13:16

Yes but, LeQueen, I take it your DH is still your DH? It's possibly a little easier for you to be forgiving, wouldn't you say?

OP - Vent away. Really feel for you, DS1's father has only just pulled his socks up with regard to contact after 5 years. The best thing you can do is, like VinegarTits suggests, not to give too much info to the DC's about times etc, especially as they are so young.

weedle · 29/03/2011 13:18

It must be infuriating that you've not had a decent nights sleep in a month and he overslept at lunchtime ! It's hideous that he's not making an effort but I think for your own sanity whenever he does something like this you should text or ring a good friend. Don't get drawn in with leaving him messages etc, it'll only upset you and the little ones. And I highly doubt he's bothered to see a family solicitor if he can't be arsed to get out of bed to meet his chn whom he hasn't seen in a month!

Birdsgottafly · 29/03/2011 13:18

Young children may not know the time but they know when meal times are coming up because they get hungry, i suppose the OP told them they would be having lunch with daddy. OP you need to make an arrangement and tell him if he will not stick to times you will go through the court system. The fact that you are doing your best for the children to have a relationship with their father makes me doubt that you are showing the children your anger. Its early days but if he is going to let the DC's down make firm plans sooner rather than later, they should not have to put up with the dissapointment and you the stress of it all. For those that are slating the OP; who on here would go a month without seeing their DC's and always turn up late, why do you all think that men that do that should be pandered to and their behaviour accepted?

MajorBumsore · 29/03/2011 13:19

It's totally unacceptable for him to behave in this way OP. Why hasn't he seen the kids? Why is he still in bed at 12pm? What would have happened if you had gone out and expected him to collect the kids as he said and they had been left uncollected.
Bollocks to all those continually late apologists. No need to be late-it's rude and selfish and those who are continually late expect others to suck it up. It's unacceptable. I have hundreds of faults, I certainly don't expect my DH to modify his behaviour because of it! It's my responsibilty that I fuck up, no-one else's.

ShirleyKnot · 29/03/2011 13:20

I used to count the minutes to my Xcock coming to get my boys, because I knew if he wasn't there by 10 past, he probably wasn't fucking coming. I managed to resist calling him and calling him every cunt under the sun, but only by the skin of my teeth.

Finding some of this strangely santimonious, are we as women and mothers supposed to just put up with it all and keep our mouths shut because it's not good for the kids? Well, the father in all this is the one who didn't manage to pick the children up from school as promised, jesus, can you imagine if the OP had already gone out somewhere? It is him who should be getting attacked, not the OP for leaving a message telling the truth. (He is, indeed, going by this a useless twat of a father)

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 13:20

I don't think it is wrong to be annoyed. Of course OP has every right to be angry. But the way you deal with that anger is vital.

Itis good that you are venting here but you have also vented down the phone to him, so there will undoubtedly be an atmosphere.

You are still very early stages of the break up and obviously feelings are still running very high, it is to be expected.
He does indeed sound like a bit of a nob and he needs a good talking to about his responsibilities and priorities, but there are times and places for that.

I am glad he has called you and you can at least prepare for the revised collection. But please try and paste on a smile for when daddy arrives.

My ex was a bigger twat than most and however horrific it was for me, i woulod always talk fondly of my childrens dad, would always smile and tell daddy all the things he needed to know. It took every ounce of emotional strength to do it but i think it is very important that they aren't made to feel guilty for loving and wanting to be with both parents.

WinterLover · 29/03/2011 13:20

Why hasnt he seen his kids in a month?? You've still not answered that? Was it through his choice?

frantic51 · 29/03/2011 13:20

Come on ladies. The OP may have been a bit quick to phone him but over an hour after he was due to pick them up he still hadn't showed and she'd had a message to say he was running late because he had overslept?! He hasn't seen his DC for a month and he can't get himself up on time to see them when he lives 10 mins walk away? He's a twunt. We all know what it's like when they're small and don't sleep well. She's tired and alone with the DCs and needed to vent to help herself be calm in front of them.

OP ill advised to leave a such a voicemail maybe but, given the circumstances, not totally U imho

CinnabarRed · 29/03/2011 13:20

NNA - it sounds from your last post as if this is just one more example of him making absolutely no effort whatsoever. If that's a fair interpretation then YANBU.

Lateness drives me insane. It's so rude. And in fact persistent lateness is the worst because it means that the late runner doesn't respect the person waiting enough to bother getting there on time.

Surely after a month without seeing his DCs he could have got out of bed by 11:45am?

My DS1 is 3 and is well aware of who's supposed to be picking him up from preschool. My PILs live 200 miles away but come down for the weekend fairly often; when they come on a Friday afternoon then it's a treat for everyone that they pick DS1 up. A couple of weeks ago FIL told DS1 on the phone on Thursday evening that he'd see him tomorrow at pre-school, but in the event PIL were held up in bad traffic. DS1 was definitely disappointed when it wasn't FIL there to meet him.

GColdtimer · 29/03/2011 13:21

I can see why you did it OP, I really can but it won't help in the long run. Sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment, you must be exhausted. I hope he turns up soon so you can get some head space.

CinnabarRed · 29/03/2011 13:25

But how could OP factor her ex's lateness into the equation when he was supposed to be picking them up from pre-school? That's a hard deadline he had to meet. In fact, you could say she did factor it in, by being available to pick them up when he was a no-show. If he were more responsible she could have started her "me" time when she dropped the DCs off.

Original poster

nonamesavalible · 29/03/2011 13:26

WooHoo he has picked them up, I apologised for the voicemail and he isn't bothered by it but then nothing fazes him anyway.
He hadn't seen them for so long as he wanted to sort his head out after he left me, I am angry because he can't make any effort with anything unless he is pushed and pushed, unfortunatly I cannot change that as he has always been the same.
I know an hour isn't that late but I knew the reason he was late as it was a regular occurence for work etc.
But at least for a few hours now I can have a little time to relax before it starts all over again.

OP posts:

2babyblues · 29/03/2011 13:29

YANBU - why didn't he call you to say he was going to be late? I don't blame you for being upset. Glad he got there in the end.

plopplopquack · 29/03/2011 13:29

Have you thought of just going out if he is late? Just taking the kids out for a lovely treat. Why should they suffer because he's rubbish.

VinegarTits · 29/03/2011 13:30

well thats good news op

i was probably a little harsh (dont want to upset shirely, shes ard) after years of dealing with my ex tosser ive become hardened to it

Mamaz0n · 29/03/2011 13:30

I am glad he has finally taken them and that there was no arguments.

Take this time to relax and chill.

IS there someone that could watch teh children one afternoon so that you and he can sit down and hammer out some ground rules for his contact with the DC?

He needs to know that his behaviour is out of order and will not be tolerated.
In future i wouldn't tell them about a contact session until the last minute ( this is what i do with my own DC as their father is an unreliable fuck too) that way they won't be over excited and getting upset waiting.

FabbyChic · 29/03/2011 13:30

Glad he finally has them, get yourself some you time now and chill out. And next time be prepared for him to be late.

newbeemummy · 29/03/2011 13:36

OP - I'm really surprised at the flaming you got on here, and I second everything Frantic and Shirley said.

I hope you enjoy the next few hours and get a bit of R&R :)

ShirleyKnot · 29/03/2011 13:37

Good stuff. Agree with mamazon that getting some sort of ground rules set down would be a good idea (athough to be honest this sort of dickhead is unlikely to get his head screwed on right) but as I said in my first post, deffo a good idea to lower your expectations of him. If it walks, talks and acts like a twat then...well you know the rest!

VinegarTits · 29/03/2011 13:42

Sweetpea215 · 29/03/2011 13:45

You enjoy the afternoon now...do something for you and treat yourself.

It's not easy being a Mum...and you do need some time out just for you (time to refresh and chill before it all starts again!).

ForShizzle · 29/03/2011 13:56

You and H split up, leaving you to deal with 2 pre-schoolers on your own for a month because he needs to "sort his head out."

You told them Daddy would be there after nursery today, he wasn't there because he overslept. No wonder you were angry, and leaving him a message (in another room from the kids) letting him know you are pissed off is not unreasonable. He needs to be made aware of the repercussions of his laziness somehow.

I can't understand the flaming you got for this at all.

saffy85 · 29/03/2011 13:59

I feel for you and more so your DC. My dad was always late to pick up me and my sister for access visits (the times he showed up at all). True, my mum should not have risen to the bait so often and screamed like a banshee at him but it is frustrating seeing your people you love, like your children treated as an after thought by their own dad. Especially when tied up at work most likely means still in fucking bed with the oman he left his family for.

Mrswhiskerson · 29/03/2011 14:32

Yabu being unreasonable being angry about him being late and if you have just split up feelings are going to be raw it's understandable . You obviously
know him and the way he is better than anyone on here and it's probably not the first time he has let you down but whatever you do don't leave nasty emails
voice messages or texts on his phone because you are immediately giving him the upper hand, and your kids will pick up on it and they will feel guilty and upset which means in turn they will feel bad about wanting to see their dad in case it causes arguments or upsets their mum .
Good luck

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