to not want my 9 year old son on facebook? And to be fuming at my ex putting him on there over the weekend?

[mypandasgotcrabs]

I'm shaking I'm so angry. DS1 has mentioned in the past that he has friends on facebook hinting that he wants to go on there. I've made it clear that fb has an age limit and that it is there for a reason and I don't want him on there.

It turns out this weekend xp has opened him up an account. I would close it down but I don't know the details. I wouldn't know about it if a girl hadn't been asking what he was on there as.

I'm so angry but feel really bad as I've done the worst thing possible and really embarrassed the poor lad. I flipped, shouted that I was taking him straight off of there when we got home and marched him off down the road.

totally agree and have had same discussion with exh about ds1 who is also 9... ds1 understands that FB rules prohibit it, we looked at it together so he knew i wasn't just making it up... exh thinks its harmless, and informs me that i'm the only mother he knows who won't allow it, but he's not the one who is doing the parenting so i'm hopeful he will continue to respect my wishes.

I'm knacked & CBA with getting into a long 1 of the rights & wrongs of FB right now, but in short

yes the FB software doesn't allow DOB under 13, but FB admin unblocked the account I set up for DD & said I would need to "make her over 13" DD didn't lie, I did & she doesn't know that, as DOB not set to show on her profile

& the changes in privacy settings are ALWAYS well forecast on FB, so there never needs to be a problem with setting changes IF you are on the ball & know what you are doing - which we are

As I have said, I DO understand the naysayers - but feel its down to your understanding of FB & therefore your ability to safely keep on top of things, which is more than understandable - We DO, (like some others on this thread) know how to regulated & therefore don't fear it for DD

"yes the FB software doesn't allow DOB under 13, but FB admin unblocked the account I* set up for DD & said I would need to "make her over 13"" bollocks. There's no way they would have agreed to that unless you told some lie to get around it. No way. By allowing under 13s they would be breaking the law.

"As I have said, I DO understand the naysayers - but feel its down to your understanding of FB & therefore your ability to safely keep on top of things,
which is more than understandable" what a smug, self righteous patronising pile of crap.

This need to allow such young children to have fb has nothing to do with the ability to keep them safe, but is far more about the inability to tell the little darlings "no."

Whatever wannabe you were of course there & saw the e-mails etc, so you would know that to be fact & there IS no law - see comment above from smileymam[rollseyes]

& no NOT a smug, self righteous patronising pile of crap at all - its a simple fact that people fear what they don't understand & the internet IS a scary idea if you don't understand it - hence why I made sure I did BEFORE I allowed DD to have her FB account

& you are right in 1 thing, there is NO NEED for such young DCs to have a FB or any other internet account or use,

its a personal choice, one I have made, not based on an ability to say NO to DCs (haha, you really know me so well with that comment) but based on being confident we can keep her safe, & the belief that teaching her sensible internet use can't happen too soon & will in the long run set a good foundation for her to use it safely on her own WHEN she's old enough - which won't be 13 or anything close

Yes, you come across as deeply patronising. I know stacks of incredibly geeky people who won't touch FB with a bargepole, not because they 'don't understand' it, but because they understand it only too well ... and yes, FB do have a history of changing privacy settings and then telling people - although perhaps this just hasn't happened since you've discovered it

no, it is not illegal for your child to have an account, but it is illegal for the site to allow it. It is to do with the Children's online privacy act (COPA) which exists in the US which stipulates that sites cannot gather information from children under the age of thirteen. Any site found to be in breach of that would be in serious trouble. But of course you know all that since your knowledge and understanding of the internet is so far superior to the rest of us.

oh bugger off talk about getting your knickers in a twist over nothing & misreading things into posts not written - not meant to be patronising & not in the US either for that matter - perhaps you need to get a life if its that important to you -

I repeat its about PERSONAL CHOICE - you made yours, which I don't have a problem with & I MADE MINE - which you DO seem to have a problem with - hence why getting a life might be a good idea

end of :)

OP-It does depend on the childs maturity, but your DC's would be spoken to by the SW. Also the courts will only take positive wishes into account. So if a child said that they wanted to be somewhere because they got to play 18 rated games and stay up late, the court would disregard that wish but note the behaviour of the parent. The guidelines are constantly updated. If all that you descibe is true he will be told to make changes. If it is true that weed is being smoked around them then stand strong and tell the court that, he is exposing them to risky behaviour.

Thank you Birdsgottafly. Apart from standing firm and perservering is there anything that you would recommend that we do, any kind of organisation we could approach?

Back to the fb issue. Luckily the girl who spoke to him yesterday wasn't in school today and he doesn't know the other girls so there's been no teasing at school thank goodness. He plays games online on sites such as miniclip or cbbc for example. No issue with him playing on age relevant sites, but fb imo is not suitable for someone of his age. He sees his friends everyday at school so doesn't need to use it to stay in touch with old friends and lots of the games are available on sites like zylom. Therefore no need for him to be on there.

OP, YANBU, 13 is the age minimum for a reason, personally I think it should be 16, after seeing some of the crap people in my network post or their mate's posts, like joining racist groups, swearing, posting rude pics etc etc. It's too much for a 9-year-old to see IMO. And even if you regulate their mates, you can't stop them from seeing their friends' friends whose privacy settings are on low.

If you think there's no harm in Facebook for kids, consider this: a young relative of mine on FB (9yo) recently took part in one of those innocent friend quizzes, and a sample question appeared on his wall from the application saying 'Would you sleep with xxfriend?' But the friend in question was HIS OWN MOTHER! Wrong, wrong wrong!

tbh, I find it very difficult to supervise DC that closely. I am impressed at those of you who do manage. Do you sit and watch their every click, read every word that they read?
Maybe it's just my DC so determined to seek out dodgy material, often in very sneaky ways.

Even if he's blocked you from seeing the account, if you log out of FB altogether then I'd have thought it would still come up in a Google search "DSname+Facebook", and I'm not sure but you can probably go to Facebook itself and still search for him. Providing you're not logged in as anyone then he can't have blocked the access.

Hi Op just wanted to say that hope all gets sorted with your ex, I hope you can get the help you need legally.good luck :)

if you enable parental controls in windows facebook cannot be accessed anyway.

And no it is not possible to supervise a child that closely. Plus once they start going to friends' houses whose parents are more libral there is always the possibility that they will get up to things you will either never know about or cannot control.

I don't think you can do that in Windows 7, Wannabe. Parental Controls not as good as in Vista.

Ooo difficult... Not to comment on anything other than a facebook account section.
On the one hand if all his friend has one it won't be long till is ble to activate one by himself and if parents try to stop this he will do it behind their backs. Children just want to fit in and with the right controls Internet risks can be minimised.
On the other hand if a child is supported with an account and supported whilst on facebook then dangers and risks can be taught alongside using the account. Children will understand far better the security measures, why these are important and how to protect themselves.
I know many teenagers, old enough to have own account so parents feel they do not need to monitor who have no idea about security settings and have so much info on there they are putting themselves at great risk but even if the parents see this it is hard to explain to them once they get to the age where mum/dad doesn't understand them

As a secondary school teacher, I sat through a 2-hour routine Child Protection training session last week. A whole 20 mins had to be devoted to FB (fount of all evil that it is) and the wide and increasing range of issues arising from all aspects of its existence. It can be classified as a child protection issue if a young person has an account under the official FB age, for very good reasons as discussed above. Be warned !
:( to FB, if only we could abolish it and return to smoke signals life would be so much more civilised

it was okayed by FB admin, because I was setting it up for her & ASKED them

Another here who doesn't believe you, sorry! By allowing her on facebook they are breaking federal law in the USA, which carries harsh penalties. They would NEVER knowingly do that, so either you are lying, or it wasn't facebook's admin you spoke to!

not in the US either for that matter I assume you are saying this to make the point that the 13+ rule doesn't apply to you?

You're not in the USA, but facebook is/are. Facebook has to abide by the rules of the country they are based in, which is the USA. For them to be able to abide by these rules, the rules are extended to all members, whether they reside in the USA or not. So yes, you & facebook are (if what you are saying about your under-age daughter having an account under these circumstances is true) are breaking federal USA law.

PM me her name, and let me check with fb admin. If you are so sure she is legit.

Because I would bet my arse on it, that it isn't! Too many severe consequences for fb to knowingly allow an under 13 on there!

albertcamus - I couldn't agree more, seems to cause so many problems that bloody site. I'm only on it for sentimental reasons. DP & I met through fb and if it wasn't for that I'd have deactivated my account a long time. In the last few weeks all arguments I've heard in the street seem to be over fb. That site was cause for me to complain to the manager in New Look earlier in the week as well!

As for the ds1 issue, I was looking through a friends friend list and my ex was not on there and upon checking he is no longer listed on facebook, so either he has blocked me, deactivated his account or facebook have taken him off as I posted his account in the space where you have to put the url and reported him for adding ds1. I am really not looking forward to dropping them off next weekend and no doubt he will be slagging me right off to the boys, although that will be no different to any other weekend from what ds2 tells us.

My pandasgotcrabs - I feel for you in relation to the bad mouthing - I really dispise it when a parent bad mouths the other parent/family to a child... do they not realise the damage it does.
Their own relationship with their children will be the causulty in their behaviour as their children realise what they say is unacceptable but the children who are most affected as they love both parents so it is just hurtful to them.