to not want my 9 year old son on facebook? And to be fuming at my ex putting him on there over the weekend?

[mypandasgotcrabs]

I'm shaking I'm so angry. DS1 has mentioned in the past that he has friends on facebook hinting that he wants to go on there. I've made it clear that fb has an age limit and that it is there for a reason and I don't want him on there.

It turns out this weekend xp has opened him up an account. I would close it down but I don't know the details. I wouldn't know about it if a girl hadn't been asking what he was on there as.

I'm so angry but feel really bad as I've done the worst thing possible and really embarrassed the poor lad. I flipped, shouted that I was taking him straight off of there when we got home and marched him off down the road.

I can't beleive a court would allow that, I am not fimiliar with solicitors ect.. but is there no free legal help or advice? he sounds like an idiot tbh! do your boys want to go there?

Citizens advice aren't brilliant. They've pointed me in the direction of solicitors, all of which have been pretty much useless.

You get 1/2 free consultation with a solicitor which I've used at quite a few. There's a few that are supposed to be quite good, unofrtunately my ex has used them himself for other reasons. He puts in compensation claims for goodness only knows what injuries on a very regular basis. He's also, from what I can gather, used a few different solicitors for criminal reasons. As his name is on the books for at least 5 solicitors I've tried I cannot use them as there would be a 'conflict of interests'. My parents have used the same solicitors firm since they moved to this city over 30 years ago. However when we split up xp used them for his defence so now I can't use a solicitors that know the family well and are well trusted by them.

As we are on a low income we are entitled to legal aid. So we would get legal representation (up to a certain limit) at no cost to us. Unfortunately most firms save their worst solicitor for clients on legal aid so you get an inferior service.

The one piece of advice that we have received that has seemed useful is that it would be beneficial for us all if we (DP & I) were married. Apparently courts will look on us more favourably then and we may have more chance of getting some kind of supervised contact in a centre in place if we are married as courts see that as more stable than 'just living together'. We are currently looking into what we need to do and putting some money aside to do just that.

DS1 is very quiet and subdued when going but has never shown any unwillinness to go. DS2 (5) loves the lack of discipline etc & playstation life.

Your Ex might have set the privacy settings high so that your DS can't be found when searched for. I'd be too - YADNBU.

And and for you about your recent post too.

That just sounds all so hopeless! so this man can near enough do what he wants before they will take it seriously! any man who uses his child as a weapon should not be having them at all.I hope you can get some sort of legal help soon though.Other than that try your best to ignore his stupid behavour and pretend like he don't get to you.He may get bored of trying to do things just to get at you.

on the fb issue - can you not get your ds to show you his account?

If your dc doesn't know his log in details and your ex has hidden him then he's not in any danger. The question should not be whether the OP wants them to go to stay but whether her sons want to go. There are lots of perfectly innocent type games on FB and by the sound of it the dc is being expossed to games that he shouldn't be playing, so may be better playing the FB games. If the set up is as the OP describes then he will never be unsupervised. Personally i would have reacted to the lack of sleep and the gangs of men drinking and disturbing the dc's, not FB.

Cannot find the words re your ex

As for the fb thing - anyone who is 'cool' with things like this (9yr olds having fb account, no matter how well 'supervised') is frankly an idiot. Get a back bone and be a PARENT!

Dd1 (almost 10) is pestering me to go on FB. Apparantly all her friends are ! She has a tightly monitoring MSN account. I have said no way to FB.
Your ex is a dick.

PlentyofPrimroses - no he doesn't know any of the log in details

Birdsgottafly - how about reading my other posts, particularly those in reply to mommmmyof2. You'll then see that I have been to countless solicitors about those issues with the only advice being that a court will just be glad that the dad is 'taking an interest' and if I attempt to change the contact then ex is likely to wind up with more and I will be forced to take them to him at extra times (he doesn't want them any more, they are nothing more than an inconvenience to him and a pawn in his games against me.) He is a controlling bully who cannot deal with the fact that he no longer is pulling my strings, so therefore does everything he can to get a reaction out of me and to try to say to the boys that I am the bad guy and that everything is my fault etc etc. I am far from happy about the other occurences, but I hardly need to ask if I'm BU about being unhappy with groups of men drinking, smoking weed & watching what are decribed to me as horror films in the same room as the boys who are trying to sleep. I was fuming about the fb incident but wanted to get a reaction from other parents to see if I was BU about not wanting him to go on there. Maybe I was being over the top about it, I didn't know, but the general feeling I'm getting is that I'm not.

Presumably at some point he will become "friends" with some of his RL friends, like the one who asked you for his details. Could you ask them/ their parents to let you know it once he does? Or ask him after he next sees his dad?

I work in CP and would not totally agree with the advice that you have been given. The court is interested in the quality, also, of the time spent with parents. If you were to raise that as a concern then that would be listened to. Especially the drugs, that is more of a danger to them than FB. Your EX would get a visit from a CAFCAS representative to check out the sleeping arangements if he wanted extended rights. But having said that the court will listen to the wishes of a child over the age of 10. Out of all that is going on the court under the circumstances would not regard FB as a problem. Unfortunatly peer groups are important so proceed carefully. I can understand your outburst but because it happened infront of your DS friends it might set him up for teasing and he will resent you for that. I do agree with you, i have got teenagers and it's difficult enough trying to guide them to make good decisions without a Ex causing problems.

Having said that i work under a very good, well staffed ( at the moment)Local Authority. I know that this is not the case everywhere.

Anyone who lets their nine year old have a facebook account is an irresponsible idiot.

There are plenty of age-appropriate games on the internet without the need to sanction children lying about their age in order that they go on to facebook.

Those age restrictions are there for a reason - not because of the inappropriate content but in order to protect children's privacy. So anyone sanctioning their children having such an account basically has no regard for their children's safety online.

Op tbh if you don't know your ds' details then I would just report your ex to facebook and tell them that he has been signing up underage children. Tell them your ds' name - they will be able to access the details via his profile (assuming they are "friends" which I would guess they are).

I don't see a problem either, & think you are over reacting - the fact that you have done aFB search for your DS & he doesn't show up & that he doesn't show on your exPs friends list either, tells me that your exPs has set up BOTH of your DSs FB account in a very secure manner & as such obviously knows a lot more of the workings of FB than you do & therefore is right in thinking it is safe -

it IS safe if its properly set up & overseen - which exP is obviously capable of doing, just by the facts above

That said I CAN see why you would panic over it, as you yourself obviously DON"T know the workings of it properly & it gets so much bad press its easy to over react & think the worst -

yes there is an age limit, but my 8 yr old DD has a FB account - again very securely set up & overseen by myself & DH, & it was okayed by FB admin, because I was setting it up for her & ASKED them -

she uses it to play games such as Farmville - which is a brilliant way to hone her common sense & math skills whilst she plays - & she uses it to keep in touch & share photos with extended family who don't live close by

If set up & overseen properly there is no risk whatsoever & therefore YABU

Anyone who lets their nine year old have a facebook account is an irresponsible idiot - sorry wannabe but you are very wrong there,

I would agree with that statement as regards Parents who DON"T understand how to securely set up an account & DON"T keep close tabs on that Childs account - but its a very sweeping statement & really doesn't apply to those Parents who manage the situation RESPONSIBLY & lets face it, its FAR better done that way, than have the Child set it up for themselves at a mates house etc etc & it NOT be properly regulated by a responsible adult - which Kids WILL & DO do if they are denied

I only recently had my friends 10 yr old DC try & befriend my DD over photos of Pets - neither her Mum nor her ExP Dad knew she was on there & having looked into it, her account certainly WASN"T securely set up

I'd personally much rather my DD had an account that WE could keep an eye on

Birdsgottafly - thanks for your advice. There's a solicitor I was using when I 1st split with ex who was pushing me to do things (re our house & money) that I didn't want to do as I was too scared of ex at the time. However I'm a lot stronger now than I was at the time and am thinking of going back to that solicitor. I've also been told by solicitors that the courts won't take into account the wishes of any child under 14, so to hear 10 sounds a lot better.

I also had some dealings with SS a while ago. I contacted them myself as I was getting nowhere with legal advice and was hoping for some back up from them. DS2 had a serious burn once while with ex (he had taken the boys to his parents for a week (300 miles away) without informing me 1st - there were a lot of other issues surrounding this and the return of them (police involved and all sorts)) and at this time the hospital also contacted SS. He had had no treatment for this burn while away. I noticed it as soon as he got home, it was quite badly infected too, took him straight to MIU. The hospital were very concerned, as I was and kept chasing it up but SS were of the opinion that as ex & his mother were in the house at the time it happened there was no need for concern. According to ds1 it happened while xmil was cooking on the low level grill and ds2 and 2 other children were running around the kitchen. She was off somewhere else having forgotten that she was cooking (not unusual for her) and he was in hte garden smoking. This was also ex's version of events until he found out SS were involved, then suddenly it changed.

I'm actually mortified with how I dealt with it there. I wish so much that I'd waited until I got home before telling him I wanted it deleted. I've been worrying all night and all morning about how the other children will have reacted and expecting it to be all round the school by lunchtime today. I feel awful about that I really do and I'm really worried that he will be having the mickey taken out of him over it today.

Aaah - having now seen some of your other update posts I should clarify that I was replying to your OP, I now see theres a lot more going on than just the FB worry - though I still stand by my reply as regards FB accounts & DCs of that age,

if your other concerns are true, then I can totally understand why you would worry DS account wasn't supervised in which case a FB account at this is NOT a good idea - DD herself has had some very suspect friends requests - all reported of course - but hence why supervision is the key to whether or not its a safe thing for a DC to have - & personally I think that should be the case even with old 13+ DCs

rockinhippy sorry if someone was "trying to befriend" your DC then not as secure as you think?
The reason the OP can't find her DS is because her ex has no doubt blocked her, so not neccessarily secure or safe! Just blocked his mother I dont think thats very sensible or mature.
There are plenty of age appropriate games online for your child (club penguin etc), and why cant she look at family photos with you in your FB.
Sorry no reason for an 8 yr old to have a FB, and I find it hard to believe FB santioned it.
Madness

Just to answer your fb worries, if he has the setting that high, your son is most probably safe. If your ex is on fb, look through his friends list and you should be able to see him or search on the email address

I let my 9 yr old play farmville etc, I keep a close watch on what's going on

macdoodle it IS as secure as I think, because I am over seeing it & we regulate her computer time tightly & she isn't ever left alone on it - she also is very sensible & knows the dangers, because we've taught her well - if anything she is tooo aware as will ask us to check things for her that aren't really a problem at all - pleased she does though :) - & we know the friend request bit isn't locked down so her friends can find her when & IF they get accounts too - not an issue as I say WE are overseeing it all - which as I've already said IS the key to using it safely - PARENTS ACTING RESPOSIBLY & KEEPING A CLOSE CHECK

whoops - it all bolded, missed a *

I don't believe for a second that fb sanctioned an 8 year old having an account. In order to set up a facebook account you have to input a date of birth that makes you older than thirteen, signing up to a u.s site if you are under thirteen is illegal in the states so there is no way that fb sanctioned that.

Aside from which, there is no need for an eight year old to have a facebook account, none. People seem to have overlooked the fact that these are children. Yes they should have access to technology as it is a part of life now, but there is plenty of child-appropriate technology out there without needing to turn them into mini adults at such a young age. In a year or two your now eight year old will be off to her friends where internet supervision is not so tight, and then you will lose all control over what she does on the facebook account which you sanctioned and helped her lie to be able to have.

The smug notion that people who allow their children to join more adult sites but "it's ok because we supervise them" is stupid and naive.

At eight facebook will be a novelty - chatting to your friends/playing games online etc, a novelty which could easily have waited for another few years. But instead by the time the children are old enough to join these sites that particular novelty will have worn off and they'll be looking for something more.

What's wrong with children being children - why do they have to be given access to more adult content so young?

I don't believe it either. It's right there in their terms of use - 4.5 You will not use Facebook if you are under 13.

Good luck, rockinhippy when FB next change everybody's privacy settings and only inform them afterwards (which is why I cancelled my account) and good luck when she's older and doesn't understand why it's wrong to lie about her age to access some dreadful 18+ site.

OP - while he doesn't remember his account details he's not on there, but if it was me, I'd ask him to write them down next time he's at his dad's and give them to you. Use bribery the promise of a special treat in return, if necessary. Sorry I have no advice for the rest of what you're going through. It sounds horrendous. Hope it gets sorted out soon.

i eventually gave in and let my 10 yr old ds have a facebook page, afetr having a talk at thier school with a police officer who gave me some tips, he,s not allowed a profile picture, he,s not allowed any adult friends, even family members, he is only allowed to be friends with children his own age who he actually knows in person, not friends of friends, and i regulary check his page and his friends lists, he also has to tell me if anyones sends him a friend request. he uses it to play some games on and keep in touch with friends from our caravan site. I dont see the harm as long as he keeps by my rules, he,s also only uses the computer in the living room, not upstairs on his own. Prehaps ur more upset that it was ur ex who set it up for him, trying to make himself look like the good guy