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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my "friend" is racist - what should I do??

76 replies

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 13:39

Ok, a bit of background - I have been friends with X for over 10 years, we became closer after I had my first daughter who is now 7yrs, X is my daughters unofficial godparent and we used to see each other about twice a month - she lives a little drive away so it was never easy to just pop over for a quick coffee etc..

I split up with my husband and had to move away for a while, I continued to speak with X on the phone and we text often, I then got together with my current partner, who is black, X has never shown any signs of being racist in the past, although she has made comments which make me believe her father is racist. Initially everything was fine, she was friendly with my new bloke and seemed happy for us, the problems started when I got pregnant with my son, she refused to acknowledge my prenancy, I think I only saw her once or twice throughout it, when I tried to arrange meet ups she always had "other plans" and when we did meet she obviously didnt like talkin about my bump.

When I had my beautiful boy I sent the usual round robin text to announce his arrival, she didnt respond for a few days, only then recieving a congratulations, I hope daughter is ok. She didnt make any effort to come and visit and didnt send a card, it was only about 5 weeks after birth when she said she had time to pop in quicky before she goes out in the evening. When she arrived she didnt act appropriatley at all! She didnt touch baby or ask to hold him, she didnt ask how is or any of the "usual" questions new mums get asked, she left as quick as she could without even saying "he's sweet", on leaving she said "I'll see you in the easter hols" which was ages away, we'd usually see each other much more often than that but she seemed to make a ponit of saying it. We also invited her to baby's naming ceremony but she said "i wont be coming" without giving any reason or even saying sorry or shes disappointed she cant come.

I just dont know what to think about all this as her reactions are not normal at all, shes stopped texting me now, I dont know whether to let our friendship fizzle out or to confront her, I'm not sure how to go about confronting her either... aarrrrhhhh what to do?

OP posts:

MillyR · 28/03/2011 13:42

Could it be for some other reason entirely? Is it perhaps that she wanted another child and hasn't had one for some reason, or is she thinking you'll be wrapped up with the baby and not have as much time for what she'd like you to do together?

orangeeyebrows · 28/03/2011 13:43

maybe she finds baby talk a bore

VeronicaCake · 28/03/2011 13:43

Is there something that makes you think racism is the most likely explanation? Her behaviour is odd, but I would have thought it was much more likely that there were other reasons to explain it than racism. Does she have children of her own? Does she want them? Has your friendship changed since you got together with DP and left her feeling sidelined?

I wouldn't confront her with an accusation of racism. But if you have time maybe call her and say how sad you feel that you don't see more of her and that you'd like to change that.

tinierclanger · 28/03/2011 13:43

Yes, are you sure it isn't about babies/fertility? That would seem more likely...

cantspel · 28/03/2011 13:43

i dont think she sounds racist and from what you have written i would assume she has a problem herself with getting pregnant .

Could this be a problem for her or am i barking up the wrong tree?

Chil1234 · 28/03/2011 13:44

What to do? You have to ask straight up what you've done to upset her... Right now you're adding 2 and 2 and getting 5. Get some clarity and then judge.

Sn0wflake · 28/03/2011 13:44

Are you sure it's racism though? Perhaps she no longer wants to be close friends for another reason. Nothing you have written couldn't have been explained by other things as well.

If you really think it is that I think you should talk to her directly about it.

Mariez · 28/03/2011 13:45

well she hasnt said anything directly. why dont you just ask her? it might be uncomfortable but would you really want a racist as the godparent for your child?

RunnerHasbeen · 28/03/2011 13:46

I think that there are a lot of things more likely to be the problem than your husband's skin colour. It doesn't seem like you have any real evidence that is the problem - why have you jumped to that conclusion?

I think she may be having children related problems of her own and it is the presence of a baby, not the colour of the baby, that is more likely to be the problem.

SarkyLady · 28/03/2011 13:46

is she ttc?
or perhaps single and broody?
or perhaps has had a mc at some point?

these are both reasons that can make people behave like this.

is she fine with other peoples pregnancies and babies?

babyapplejack · 28/03/2011 13:47

What jumps out from your post is not racism, but pregnancy/baby envy - could this be the case?

Alternatively she may be like me and find the pregnancy/baby stage (to put it politely) not her cup of tea? I'm sure I don't say the right things because I have memories of being really sick in pregnancy and really sleep deprived and in poor mental health when mine were babies.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/03/2011 13:48

I'm like this with my SIL at the moment. I had a mc 2 months ago and am finding it hard to be round babies, so her newborn is not on my top list of vistors and when DH went to visit her yesterday, I didn't go. Presumably you don't know every detail of her life?

Nothing in what you've written suggests racism, you said she was friendly with your bloke. And my dad sometimes makes questionable comments but it doesn't make me racist.

Bringonthegoat · 28/03/2011 13:48

The problem started when you got pg in your words - could she be envious of pg or envious of solid relationship? Maybe she has had enough of the friendship. So many possible explanations. Speak to her before jumping to conclusions - if the frendship is important to you then a child free meet and chat might be the way forward.

Cantgetmyarseoffthesofa · 28/03/2011 13:50

Don't think I would have automatically thought of this as racism related. Sounds much more to me like she's TTC herself.

LDNmummy · 28/03/2011 13:50

It may not be race related, it could be anything. I would ask her and see, then you will get a better picture. There may be something going on in her life that with your excitement over your LO (congrats!) you have not noticed or been privvy too.

If it is race related, let it fizzle out. But ask first, she has been your friend for over ten years.

Original poster

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 13:51

I guess its possible, but shes not in a relationship and she talks sbout other friends who have had / having babies, I really dont think so... What makes me think its racism - the fact she seems so dissaproving of him in contrast to how she is and was with my daughter, also a while back I said to her I'd like to set her up with a mate of mine who is mixed race, and she said "oh no, I'd never date anyone who isnt white". What other reason could there be for her to show absolutley NO interest in him? Like I said our friendship was never over pwering, we only saw each other twice a month or so, so its not like i've got less time for her..

OP posts:

LessNarkyPuffin · 28/03/2011 13:52

Maybe she's having trouble TTC and/or has had a recent miscarriage. Maybe she can't stand your new DP and was hoping he was just a short term thing. Maybe he got drunk and came on to her? Maybe she's grown out of your friendship. Maybe she's got some heavy shit going on in her own life and is preoccupied.

Is there a reason, other than her father, that you think this is about your DP's race?

Original poster

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 13:54

So do you think it would be best for me to ask why she doesnt ask after my son?

Thanks for all your comments, its great to have such feedback

OP posts:

LessNarkyPuffin · 28/03/2011 13:54

"oh no, I'd never date anyone who isnt white".

You didn't think that bit of info was relevant enough to put in your OP???

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/03/2011 13:54

I'm still not really getting racism though. Firstly, you don't have to be in a relationship to want a baby. Secondly talking about babies is different to be confronted with one and, as your daughter is not a baby then, if this was the issue, that would explain the difference in treatment. And lastly, well, she is entitled to date or not date who she likes really.

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 13:54

Why have you assumed she's rascist?! Sorry but I hate it when people shout rascism with no real reason for doing it! I think that's truely awful. You said yourself that she was friendly with you new man.

It's seems much more likely that she is jealous. Or has issues of her own. Or just doesn't like you anymore.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/03/2011 13:55

I agree, ask her. It's obviously bothering you so get it out in the open.

upahill · 28/03/2011 13:57

The only way you are going to find out is by asking her I think.

I would arrange a definate time to see her and start talking. I would say that you are hurt and what is the problem. Use the things that you have written down here as pointers for your conversation.
I would even ask outright if she has a problem with your boyfriend but not only listen to the words she says but watch her body language and how she reacts.

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 13:58

I agree too, just ask her.

The fact she doesn't want to date your mixed race friend doesn't mean that much. People fancy who they fancy. Would you think she was prejudice if she would only date blond men for example?

pinkthechaffinch · 28/03/2011 13:59

sounds actually as if she probably is racist. I don't understand why so many posters are keen on searching for other reasons for her odd behaviour,it's not as if racism is particularly rare in this country

I'd confront her, OP, and ask her directly if that is the reason, and if it is, then ditch her.

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