To think my "friend" is racist - what should I do??

[samantha6123]

Ok, a bit of background - I have been friends with X for over 10 years, we became closer after I had my first daughter who is now 7yrs, X is my daughters unofficial godparent and we used to see each other about twice a month - she lives a little drive away so it was never easy to just pop over for a quick coffee etc..

I split up with my husband and had to move away for a while, I continued to speak with X on the phone and we text often, I then got together with my current partner, who is black, X has never shown any signs of being racist in the past, although she has made comments which make me believe her father is racist. Initially everything was fine, she was friendly with my new bloke and seemed happy for us, the problems started when I got pregnant with my son, she refused to acknowledge my prenancy, I think I only saw her once or twice throughout it, when I tried to arrange meet ups she always had "other plans" and when we did meet she obviously didnt like talkin about my bump.

When I had my beautiful boy I sent the usual round robin text to announce his arrival, she didnt respond for a few days, only then recieving a congratulations, I hope daughter is ok. She didnt make any effort to come and visit and didnt send a card, it was only about 5 weeks after birth when she said she had time to pop in quicky before she goes out in the evening. When she arrived she didnt act appropriatley at all! She didnt touch baby or ask to hold him, she didnt ask how is or any of the "usual" questions new mums get asked, she left as quick as she could without even saying "he's sweet", on leaving she said "I'll see you in the easter hols" which was ages away, we'd usually see each other much more often than that but she seemed to make a ponit of saying it. We also invited her to baby's naming ceremony but she said "i wont be coming" without giving any reason or even saying sorry or shes disappointed she cant come.

I just dont know what to think about all this as her reactions are not normal at all, shes stopped texting me now, I dont know whether to let our friendship fizzle out or to confront her, I'm not sure how to go about confronting her either... aarrrrhhhh what to do?

I have a friend who's dad is seriously racist and abusive. He used to beat her mum all the time and she could only ever date English boys. White wasn't even enough, the boys could only be English, he'd have near killed her even if it was a Greek lad. Once when he was drunk he went through her CD's and smashed up any that were by black artists. He also used to tell her that by being blond she was prettier than everyone else. One of her boyfriends beat her up but her dad did nothing because 'at least the guy was an English lad' Seriously twisted man.

She's not racist but in the past she's struggled with it, making comments etc as she heard a lot of messed up stuff growing up. She also once dated a mixed race guy but sadly broke it off as she still finds it hard to be with anyone who isn't English and is scared of her family's reaction even though she's now in her mid 30s.! I guess years of literally having racism beaten into you is hard to break free from but she's trying and has friends of all races. She's quite lonely at the moment and can't understand why because she thinks that by being naturally blond she should easily have a man, another gem ingrained by daddy....

It sounds like your friend has similar issues but unlike my friend she's not trying to improve so maybe her dad succeeded into turning her into a racist like him.

I agree maybe something else is going on in her life atm and she just doens't want to burden you with it.

Why don't you just ask her if everythings ok with her?

I wouldn't date anyone who isn't white, either, and I am from non white parentage. It's just my taste. Just like I don't particularly like tall men, beefy muscles and dark hair/eyes (send all your unwanted, weedy, pale, freckled redheads my way, I love 'em).

I think, if your friend does have a racial problem, cut her some slack anyway and talk to her. A parent's domineering influence can have a massive influence on a person such that they can hijack their own happiness (in this case, that which your friendship has brought her) to please them. If she really does have an issue with your DP, then you'll just have to let this friendship go.

I was very much in love with a Jewish guy at college (and he with me), but his parents' refusal to countenance their some having a non Jewish (let alone, non white) partner was unsurmountable. Even though he in no way shared their views, he could not face displeasing them, and we had to end.

pinkthechaffinch don't be so melodramatic, the information given by the OP points to any one of about a dozen things, which is why few people on this thread are calling racism. You are seeing it, most of the others are not. What does that tell you? We only know the information that the OP is giving us and the friend may well be a racist but unless we are told more, then that is only one of several equally plausible possibilities. The only way to find out is to ask the friend what's wrong.

I like em tall! and not round!

LOL @ Fabby - thats how I like 'em too :)

Actually GML disagreeing with you doesn't make me melodramatic.

The points the OP referred to have made several people , not only me, think that her friend could be racist.

Why are you so unwilling to countenance this as a possibility?

Most racism isn't obvious like graffiti sprayed on buildings, it is often very subtle and hard to prove, and anyone 'crying racism' will quickly be shouted down for doing so-as indeed I have just been.

So why shout it at all! You said yourself that the friend was probably rascist! What an assumption to make! Just because it's a possiblity (of which there are many in this case) does that mean the rascism one should be assumed! Yes you might get "shouted down" if you are wrong but maybe it would be best not to accuse someone of this when based on flimsy evidence. I hope you don't do that in RL as mud sticks.

?????

what a bizarre post!

can't be bothered to go into all the reasons why the OP thought her friend was racist but it is not unreasonable to make assumptions based upon her friend's actions and general attitude!

Nobody has 'accused' the OPs friend of anything. I advised her to talk to her and find out, if indeed she was, although thinking about it she's hardly likely to say, 'yes I a a racist actually' is she?

I think that it is somewhat sad that the friend seems to have distanced herself since the OP got a different coloured boyfriend to herself. It does seem somewhat bizarre perhaps she doesn't agree with inter-racial relationships.

That wouldn't necessarily make her a racist, people are entitled to their own opinion/beliefs.

pinkthechaffinch You don't need to go into all the reasons as I've read it myself. And actually yes you did accuse her, you said she was probably rascist. An awful assumption to make about someone. Maybe it comes across as a bizarre post to you because it is someone disagreeing with you (shock horror!)

OP, maybe it is the whole package that your friend is finding hard to deal with. You say that she has strong beliefs on marriage and children, so that may well be playing a part in how she is and yes she may not agree with mixed race relationships and as a previous poster stated that does not make her racist just someone with strong beliefs that do not fit with your life. I also agree that having prefernces over the 'type' of person you would date does not make you racist. I have been with my husband for 10 years and in that time sil has dated several men and all of them have been black, which seems to be her taste for men, we all have preferences and likes and dislikes which do not make us racist, ageist ect.

Just out of interest

how can someone not agree with inter racial relationships and not be a racist?

genuinely interested

Okay, have I got this right?

Your friend was fine with you, and your daughter, and seemed to like your new partner, who is black. You and your partner have had a baby together, but you haven't chosen to get married, and since then she's treated you differently.

I wonder if it might be a package thing, like lazylula said. Suppose she has strong feelings on marriage, and she is struggling to have a baby, and you seemingly get pregnant effortlessly, even though you're not married?

There's been plenty of sad threads on mnet detailing the pain of infertility, and people sometimes say that it seems more unfair when people conceive in circumstances they themselves don't like/disapprove of.

ploppop darling

the spelling is 'racist' not rascist to rhyme with fascist!

Yes you are quite right - a typo on my part gives you the higher ground (NOT)

typo? thrice running? whatever.

Oh I see! You've been checking back through my posts to see which words I spell consistently wrong, so that you can tell everyone on here about it to try to make me look stupid.

All that does is make you seem pathetic and petty!

You've done the classic annoying thing of giving half the information in the OP, then other bits in dribs and drabs of other posts btw.

The initial post made me think fertility/miscarriage problems to be honest - I've not sent any communication to my SIL after her baby was born (and I've no intention of doing so until I am emotionally in a state to do so) and I didn't acknowledge her pregnancy in any way - I simply wasn't able to do so emotionally and had to go into some form of mental shutdown to survive the hideousness of the last few years for us. (And before anyone starts - I actually don't give a shit what you think of me for doing so because for once in my life I'm doing what I need to do for the good of my own, however pathetic and insignificant it may be to the rest of the world, family... her brother's also struggling like hell to cope with it but none of the family have given a shit about his emotional state which says a lot). You say you're SURE there's nothing gone on in that department - you cannot know 100% unless you're living in her knickers.

Now you're saying other things about body language and the like - perhaps she's just having problems dealing with you being happily loved up anyway (again could link to something going on in the background)? Perhaps she doesn't like your fella... perhaps she's in that horrid situation of having really bad girlie vibes about her mate having picked a bad 'un but trying to smile through it all for your sake and not say anything? Granted, she might be doing a shite job of it - but she would at least be trying. Perhaps yes, she wouldn't date someone of a different race - I wouldn't date a blonde guy - I just don't find them attractive... whether you view that as racism depends on how extreme you take as a line on it. She might just not like your new bloke because, well, she doesn't like him!

Sounds like you've already made your decision on what you're doing anyway from the use of inverted commas around "friend" in your OP though - but I'd be willing to bet there's something going on that means she can't deal with the pregnancy thing - and that she might not have shared it with you for whatever reason... sounds very very much how I've HAD to react in order to stay remotely sane in recent months (and I'd have committed suicide if I hadn't kicked that self-protection system into effect).

And yes I fucked up the bolding on that one - you can figure it out for yaself.

pinkthechaffinch, I report everyone to the police who buys white chocolate because 'it must be racism'. The world needs more people willing to put aside common sense and reason in the struggle to increase the number of racism reports. People who see someone posting about their problem and see it as a way to advance their own agenda.

Well done on the spelling btw. You must be really proud.

Onagar, nice sarcasm there. Hope the OP can see in your response the kind of reaction she can get if she ever dares to suggest her son or partner is a victim of racism.

I don't have an agenda, but I am happy to contradict the arguments of people who seem blithely determined that someone can't possibly be racist when the evidence suggests otherwise-and of course I'm only going by what the OP has said.

Plopplop- I really don't have to try and make you look stupid but if you're going to contribute to a thread on racism it makes sense to try and spell the word correctly!

Like many others here, I can't see she's done anything to suggest she's racist at all. Her Dad was, so perhaps you're worrying it's somehow hereditary? It isn't. If she did pick up any of his horrible ideas, she certainly got over them, and she rates your DP, doesn't she?

Maybe you are being a little over-protective of your lovely baby, and seeing trouble where there is none? Two and two making five, perhaps?

as someone who has secondary infertility to me it sounds everything like she has a fertility issue and nothing to do with skin colour. for years i avoided pg women or women with babies like the plague, mixture of sadness and envy (i am not proud to admit but being honest)