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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my "friend" is racist - what should I do??

76 replies

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 13:39

Ok, a bit of background - I have been friends with X for over 10 years, we became closer after I had my first daughter who is now 7yrs, X is my daughters unofficial godparent and we used to see each other about twice a month - she lives a little drive away so it was never easy to just pop over for a quick coffee etc..

I split up with my husband and had to move away for a while, I continued to speak with X on the phone and we text often, I then got together with my current partner, who is black, X has never shown any signs of being racist in the past, although she has made comments which make me believe her father is racist. Initially everything was fine, she was friendly with my new bloke and seemed happy for us, the problems started when I got pregnant with my son, she refused to acknowledge my prenancy, I think I only saw her once or twice throughout it, when I tried to arrange meet ups she always had "other plans" and when we did meet she obviously didnt like talkin about my bump.

When I had my beautiful boy I sent the usual round robin text to announce his arrival, she didnt respond for a few days, only then recieving a congratulations, I hope daughter is ok. She didnt make any effort to come and visit and didnt send a card, it was only about 5 weeks after birth when she said she had time to pop in quicky before she goes out in the evening. When she arrived she didnt act appropriatley at all! She didnt touch baby or ask to hold him, she didnt ask how is or any of the "usual" questions new mums get asked, she left as quick as she could without even saying "he's sweet", on leaving she said "I'll see you in the easter hols" which was ages away, we'd usually see each other much more often than that but she seemed to make a ponit of saying it. We also invited her to baby's naming ceremony but she said "i wont be coming" without giving any reason or even saying sorry or shes disappointed she cant come.

I just dont know what to think about all this as her reactions are not normal at all, shes stopped texting me now, I dont know whether to let our friendship fizzle out or to confront her, I'm not sure how to go about confronting her either... aarrrrhhhh what to do?

OP posts:

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 14:01

From what you[ve said, she race doesn't seem to come in to it, however her behavious does sound very weird and I would ask her whats going on. If she says its because of your new partners race then you have your answer and you know what to do, however it could be something else entirely and she doesn';t know how to broach it with you and she's hoping you'll ask her whats wrong iyswim.

Anyway, ask her, but for gods sake nto voer text or facebook!

Cantgetmyarseoffthesofa · 28/03/2011 14:01

Don't think it's "searching for other reasons" pinkthechaffinch, just making sure that the OP doesn't end a long friendship on an assumption rather than a fact.

Original poster

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 14:02

ok I think I need to have a chat with her, there are other little things which make me think racism, not just she wouldnt date my friend, including body language around people, the other thing could be she doesnt agree with me and my partner having a baby without being married, she has certain moral standards! tbh maybe im better off not being friends with her, grown apart and all that, we seen so different now!

OP posts:

tinierclanger · 28/03/2011 14:03

Well now you've posted again she does sound racist- that was relevant! Just ask her and get it out in the open.

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 14:04

pinkthechaffinch Assuming that someone is "probably" rascist is horrible thing to do! So the friend is rascist until proven otherwise . . . lovely!

mayorquimby · 28/03/2011 14:17

"the other thing could be she doesnt agree with me and my partner having a baby without being married, she has certain moral standards!"

If she was friendly with your new fella and happy for the two of you initially, doesn't this seem like a far more likely explanation for her conduct than being a racist?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/03/2011 14:19

sounds actually as if she probably is racist. I don't understand why so many posters are keen on searching for other reasons for her odd behaviour,it's not as if racism is particularly rare in this country

Isn't it just as bad to naturally assume racism without any real evidence? Especially when the OP herself doesn't even know. It's very easy to shout racism at the slightest thing.

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 14:19

If she was friendly with your new fella and happy for the two of you initially, doesn't this seem like a far more likely explanation for her conduct than being a racist?

Yep

Original poster

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 14:22

its possible, but not far more likely due to previous comments she made, and she has hinted about having an issue with dating a black person, surely talking about me and my bloke getting married would be fairly easy for a friend to do, other friends have asked us if we will get married..

OP posts:

LDNmummy · 28/03/2011 14:22

OP after reading your subsequent post, it could definitely be a race issue.

But still, just ask her and see.

"The fact she doesn't want to date your mixed race friend doesn't mean that much. People fancy who they fancy. Would you think she was prejudice if she would only date blond men for example?"

Her reason was the colour of his skin, not because he isnt her type.

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 14:41

Her reason was the colour of his skin, not because he isnt her type.

Isn't that the same thing?! People fancy brunettes, blonds, tall short, dark or light skinned people, blue eyed/brown eyes etc. If she doesn't fancy dark skinned men then he isn't her type.

MerryMarigold · 28/03/2011 14:48

I agree with you plopplop. I always fancied anyone and now I am married to an Asian guy. But I have a friend ('white') who only fancies black or mixed race guys. I'm not sure she'd take kindly to being told she's racist! That's what she likes, takes her coffee black and all that!

pigletmania · 28/03/2011 14:49

Sounds as though she is being racist, her reaction to dating your friend and her reaction around your baby. Of course its up to her who she wants to date, thats her perogative, but to act like that around your ds is not acceptable, even if she did feel that way she should keep her feelings to herself.

MerryMarigold · 28/03/2011 14:53

Maybe she has probs with your partner other than his skin colour?

rockinhippy · 28/03/2011 15:06

Don't have the head for reading all replies, so maybe repeating, but my story might help you realise there are other possibilities going on with your friend

My first thought on this weren't that she's racist, nothing you say indicates that at all, that she's hurting - yes- & SOMETHING is going on with her, but I doubt very much its racism - has she perhaps lost a baby recently that you didn't know about, or something else come up that might leave her feeling unable to be around you & feign happiness if she is for some reason bereft??

I've a very old friend, we go back some 30 yrs, before getting together with DH we lived near each other too, so I saw her often, knew her family well etc etc -

I got married & moved & had DD, heard nothing from her at all :( - no replies to calls, always on answerphone, 1 reply to a text in over 8 months, & it was very vague no real interaction -

DD was born & by that time I was upset with her & not understanding, but so busy with new baby, trying to work, taking ill & generally just too much going on in my life to cope so I left things -

6 months later I still hadn't even had a "congratulations, what did you have text" - so one night I sent her a snotty text "Having not heard from you in such a long time I'm wondering if you are still actually alive?? & by the way, just incase you do have time in your obviously oh so busy life to wonder _ I had a baby girl & both her & we are all doing just fine

I got a reply that shook me to my core & suddenly her behaviour was all too clear - even though I was saddened she couldn't include me:(

"My Dad died suddenly of Cancer, & I was diagnosed the same week he died, with the same thing"

We spoke & she then owned up to wanting to speak to me, but didn't think it was fair on me with a new baby & I think also years down the line she realises she was depressed & her own Cancer meant she can't have kids - so my new baby was a bit more than she could bear :(

Thankfully she's still alive & we are still good friends

so cut your friend some slack & ASK her what is wrong

pinkthechaffinch · 28/03/2011 16:18

To those who think it's very easy to shout racism at the slightest thing.

I completely disagree. Look, for example, at how reluctant the OP has been to confront her friend despite her suspicions.

Most racism isn't obvious like graffiti sprayed on buildings, it is often very subtle and hard to prove, and anyone 'crying racism' will quickly be shouted down for doing so-as indeed I have just been.

FabbyChic · 28/03/2011 16:21

I wouldn't date anyone who isn't white either, not because I'm racist but because that is my taste.

Just because she said she only dates white guys doesn;t make her racist.

pigletmania · 28/03/2011 16:24

I agree FabbyChic I wouldent date anyone who is non Christian as our beliefs will be different, and I am not partiularly keen on blond men, and men of a certain height and weight either, its her perogative who she dates, she should not be forced to date anyone that she is not happy with just to be PC

Original poster

samantha6123 · 28/03/2011 16:25

thats exactly the problem, thats what I have been trying to say - its so subtle and its the little things she says, does, how she reacts to people that makes me think this, which is what makes it so hard to confront her.

What makes it seem so obvious is the way she texts or asks about my daughter, myself and it seems like she purposely leaves my son out of the discussion, like she is trying to make a point.

I know for sure she hasnt had a miscarrige or loss, but maybe she has something else going on - but what could be going on to make her act like this...?

All your comments have helped me see this in many different ways, thank you so much for your advise, this is my first posting on here and you guys have successfully helped me!!

OP posts:

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 16:28

rockinhippy Blimey!

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 16:28

You know you can have a conversation with her and ask whats wrong without calling her a racist! Just call her, find out and then you'll know. If she tries to fob you off and say you're imagining it then tell her about specific instances.

pigletmania · 28/03/2011 16:37

Just ask her if anything is the matter, why she has a problem with your ds? When she texts, text her and say yes ds,dd and myself are ALL well thank you.

carminaburana · 28/03/2011 16:37

Maybe she finds you really boring/annoying and is using the baby to finally cut free from you - that's the more likely reason. Sorry.

pigletmania · 28/03/2011 16:39

If she wants to cut free from the op surely she would not text, and just genrally try to not reciprocate (sp) the communication.

carminaburana · 28/03/2011 16:52

Maybe she's letting her down gently? So many people stick with boring friends out of some sort of 'duty' - secretly hoping they'd immigrate to Australia.

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