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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

just been rude to someone for trying to touch my baby....

126 replies

Romilly70 · 27/03/2011 13:35

Just come back from a gathering of expats we know mainly as acquaintances. Took along DS 5 months and one particularly lady wanted to hold him as soon as we walked through the door. Each time i have seen her she acts as it is her right to hold DS just cos he is a baby...

(I know I am not keen on her as she oversteps the boundary I feel comfortable with.)

later on i was changing DS in another room and I could see her out of the window having a fag, then when she came in started stroking some dogs. saw DS and made a beeline for him. said to me oh he's gorgeous, i said thank you very much. then she reached out to touch his hand. (DS constantly has his fingers in his mouth as is teething) I pushed her hand away before she could grab DS's and I said would you mind washing your hands as there is a real problem with toxoplasmosis here (there is in France).

That was partly an excuse, and I know i am going to be flamed for being all PFB about DS. I just really hate passing DS round like a parcel. Ironically he is a very friendly chap, cos on the whole i do let lots of people hold him, but the crux of it, i hate people completely ignoring me and practically trying to grab DS.

Now I feel bad for being rude to her, but why do people go so mental over new babies?

anyway, rant over.....

OP posts:
AcidDrop · 28/03/2011 01:09

OP, I do think you were unkind (sorry) but I also understand the feelings of revulsion you had.

My grandad lives with my parents, just round the corner from me, so he sees my 6 month old DS quite a lot. He likes to take hold of DS's hands and shake them, which would be really sweet only he has major issues with hygiene :( His vision is very bad, so he can't see to wash his hands properly - it's quite common for my parents to have to clean smears of shit off the toilet door handles and light switch after he's been in there. I'm wary of touching anything that I know he's touched (even though I hate myself for it because it's not something he can help) and when he grabs hold of my DS's hands, I'm in a total panic until I can discreetly pour anti bacterial gel all over them after he's let go and moved away. It's horrible and I really wish he wouldn't touch DS but there's no way I could ever say that to him.

It's a difficult one, I'm not sure there is any tactful way you could ask someone not to touch your baby tbh.

hairfullofsnakes · 28/03/2011 07:03

No ormirian - this thread has exposed just how nasty some women can be - even if one did think the op was being 'twatty' is there really any need for some of the comnents here?

Oh the irony - people saying she is over the top by replying to her thread in a totally over the top - and at times - quite malicious way...

Pagwatch · 28/03/2011 10:42

Oh good lord.

Really? Nasty and malicious?

The op posted about pushing an old ladies hand away in AIBU and people have replied suggesting that that is an over reaction and have been mostly mocking and taking the piss.

Perhaps being terrified of other human beings makes one sensitive in every area of life.

BaggedandTagged · 28/03/2011 11:46

"there is so much as a new mum you have to put up and shut up with from unwitting strangers"

Like what?

Scuttlebutter · 28/03/2011 13:31

I'm still struggling to understand where the OP actually said it was an older lady who wanted to touch her baby Hmm. Somewhere along the line the horrible MN ageism seems to have crept in.

Seems the rest of us can't win with mums of new babies. If we don't admire/coo, we're not interested - if we offer to hold/touch/gaze at, then we're likely to be passing on bubonic plague. And God help us if we take a photograph.

OP, you do seem to be illinformed about toxoplasmosis, and YABU.

orangeeyebrows · 28/03/2011 13:38

Good God

How did babies ever survive and the human race didnt die out back in the day when germs werent obsessed over, hygiene was a lick and spit with the back of mum's hanky and we were lucky to have a bath once a week on a Sunday

Ye Gods, get a grip people!!

ShowOfHands · 28/03/2011 13:42

Well toxoplasmosis and smoking aside as you admit this was partly an excuse, you don't much like the woman or people wanting to touch/hold your child without getting permission/approaching in a certain way.

In general terms, I think it's one of those things that I chose not to get cross about. Because some people do swoop in and some people do just want to stroke a baby's hand/cheek. And I hope to God I have enough compassion to understand what a pleasure that simple act brings to them.

It's like MILs who refer to 'our/my baby'. I chose to hear that as a grandmother bursting with love and pride. There's a lot of positivity to be seen in the situations where people can't resist trying to connect with your child if only you can let go of the frustrations.

But you make your own choices about your baby. Perhaps just occasionally try and see the lovely gesture in people trying to enjoy your child alongside you.

Needanewname · 28/03/2011 13:45

YANU. I actually like the fact that instead of you seeing her smoking, then stroking a random dog and her picking your baby up and coming on her and moaning that you actually said something.

I also get that the germs thing was a diversion from the fact the you don't like her and her assumption that its OK to pick up your child whenever she wants.

Yes babies are cute and gorgeous and its lovely that she wants to hold him, however she should have asked you first. But all of you having a go at OP cos all the lady wanted to do was coo and admire at him - ermm no, she was going to pick him up without checking first that it was OK and has form of doing this previously. Get over yourselves.

BTW the smoking thing would have also done it for me, as well as any health implications, it just stinks!!!

Good for you OP and ignore anyone taking the piss!

Voddy · 28/03/2011 15:16

Normally I would say YABU but yesterday my chain smoking, gin-sodden grandmother, who's manky dog is always licking her hands, completely out of the blue stuck her finger in my 14 week old dd's mouth Shock

hairfullofsnakes · 28/03/2011 22:27

Oh voddy that is gross! And so rude!

CFAW · 28/03/2011 22:32

Do you know, children who live with dogs are 60% less likely to get leukemia than children who live without dogs? Know why? Dogs are filthy and exposure to germs is essential to build an immune system.

YABU

Abr1de · 29/03/2011 09:46

That comes as some comfort this morning as I survey the latest damage caused by our terrier.

vintageteacups · 29/03/2011 09:55

I have to say, I'd be more precious about her touching my baby having just had a fag. I don't think YABU at all.

WidowWadman · 29/03/2011 10:11

So how many birth defects do you think your 5 months old can get from Toxo? It's pretty harmless in unpregnant, born humans.

vintageteacups · 29/03/2011 10:25

OP did say she said that just to make her leave the baby alone.

plopplopquack · 29/03/2011 10:34

Do you know, children who live with dogs are 60% less likely to get leukemia than children who live without dogs? Know why? Dogs are filthy and exposure to germs is essential to build an immune system.

Does that apply to cats as well?

BarbieLovesKen · 29/03/2011 10:35

Do you know, children who live with dogs are 60% less likely to get leukemia than children who live without dogs? Know why? Dogs are filthy and exposure to germs is essential to build an immune system.

Is that really true?

Bucharest · 29/03/2011 10:40

Yes it is true. Also children who live on farms and in close proximity to any animals and muck in general are healthier.
It's how I justify slutty housekeeping.
I have photos of the cat asleep next to dd on the bed when she was about 6mths old. I get it out and scare the locals with it.
My Mum has similar photos of our old cat asleep on my pram. Shock
(yes, yes, I expect she checked he wasn't asleep on my head, I'm still here after all)

thumbwitch · 29/03/2011 10:51

effects of toxoplasmosis on humans. It doesn't only cause problems in unborn children. Neonates effectively qualify as people with weaker immune systems because theirs hasn't developed properly yet.

There are plenty of ways of introducing your DC to germs without having them lick the family dog.

Needanewname · 29/03/2011 11:34

Omg. The germ thing was an excuse!!!!!!!!

She didn't want the woman picking up her baby. Doesn't matter why, her baby, she can choose whoever she wants! I think it was good of her to give an excuse rather than just say no tbh!

BarbieLovesKen · 29/03/2011 11:39

Thanks Bucharest. Wow - cant get over that. We have 2 dogs, they "live" outside (as we have a massive garden and we're surrounded by nothing but fields and farms and local farmers love them) but am always worried about ds, (13 months) who adores them and insists on wrapping his arms around them and hugs them and kisses them Shock my mother is always telling me off. Feel that bit better now. Grin

Bucharest · 29/03/2011 11:41

Some researchy bod did a proper study a few years back. I wave it at Italians when they get their antibac wipes out in the park Grin

NellieForbush · 29/03/2011 11:43

YANBU.

Soon he will be crawling around and that will be a different story altogether but for now he's not so do what you feel you need to do to protect him.

lol at Totoros proof you are not being PFB!

oldwomaninashoe · 29/03/2011 12:26

I used to loathe people feeling the need to touch my chidren (all now in their 20's) and I think it is very unreasonable for anyone to assume they should.
you can take notice of a child/baby smile and talk, then if the Mother says "would you like a cuddle?" that is entirely different.
To presume to touch (without encouragement/permission) another human being is not on, did anyone ask the baby if it would like it?
NO, no, no its not on. I think the OP was quite right!

hairfullofsnakes · 29/03/2011 19:18

Me too oldwoman, I mean if strangers came up and took my hand I would not like that either!!!!