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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I or not Not comfortable with DH giving this girl a lift to work

83 replies

Ray81 · 26/03/2011 09:36

That says it all realy, its not every day just a saturday when they do over time, but he has to go well out of his way to collect her and she doesnt give him petrol money she buys him breakfast. Now this week i have just started a new job at the same place he works, so 3 times a week i am there i thought this would make me feel abit better about it as i would KNOW her ifswim but she has completely ignored me and pretty much looked down her nose at me all the days i have been in. This wasnt me being paranoid everyone else has been so nice. Now if the shoe was on the other foot and someones husband was giving me a lift to work i would be nice to her, or at least make some effort as i wouldnt want her to worry about it ifswim.

I am being unreasoanble arent i please tell me i am.

OP posts:

nickschick · 26/03/2011 11:54

Lmao Spid - mornings are not my best times.

ilovesooty · 26/03/2011 12:03

They could well be embarrassed even to acknowledge each other at work because they're worried about what you read into it - and yes - you sound terribly insecure to me. I can't believe the people who are suggesting you go with him on Saturday mornings - what sort of message would you be giving?

I'd be a bit annoyed about the financial implications of the petrol but that would be as far as it would go.

lesley33 · 26/03/2011 12:07

She doesn't give petrol money but she buys OH breakfast. So she is paying him back financially.

I think it is very difficult for us to make a judgement on anything else as it could be any of the following.

She is rude, but there is nothing going on between her and your OH.
There is nothing going on. But she can tell that you are not happy with her being there - getting bad vibes - and that obviously affects how she reacts to you.
There is something going on between her and your OH.

tbh though if I was having an affair with your OH I would be sweetness and light to you and very friendly as I wouldn't want you to suspect anything. But not everyone would be like this.

My advice, talk to your OH and be honest and try to get him to be honest. You are not going to solve this by posting here as there is just so much you don't know at the moment.

SweetGrapes · 26/03/2011 12:08

If they don't talk at work, then are they being 'careful' not to get tongues wagging? Do people know that he's giving her a lift?
If it's something secret at work but that he's airily said at home and you've been ok with, then maybe talking lightly about it at work might make a difference - if there is anything in their minds....
Of course youd need to say something 'very light and by the way' about it in front of them both at the same time. Not behind any backs ,that would be gossipping. And then if she or he says "no-no , it's not a regular thing - just occasionally..." type of thing, it means someone is wriggling.

SweetGrapes · 26/03/2011 12:09

But, I guess the best thing is to talk to your dh. Ignore me...

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/03/2011 12:12

In these sort of situations I think you must trust your instincts. I do find it strange that she's buying him breakfast when he's going out of his way to give her a lift. This will add to the time that they are both away from home, too, I presume, or do they buy breakfast on the way to work and eat it in the office?

She should just pay some petrol money and keep it all above board.

lesley33 · 26/03/2011 12:41

Like an earlier poster said this could have come about very innocently i.e. woman offers pertrol money DH says no don't bother with that - she insist - he says oh just buy me breakfast.

Doesn't have to mean anything. Some men are funny about accepting money from women - bit of a macho thing I think.

ilovesooty · 26/03/2011 12:42

But, I guess the best thing is to talk to your dh.

Sounds like common sense to me.

Zondra · 26/03/2011 12:54

All I know is that I, personally would hate this.
It's all a bit dodgy to me.
Listen to your instincts...

ilovesooty · 26/03/2011 13:00

It's all a bit dodgy to me.

Of course, if he were giving a bloke a lift to work it would all be fine...

I think those who think this is "dodgy" have rather a lot of issues around trust. I rather agree with the poster who asked if people thought he was shagging her in a layby on the way to work.

MollysChambers · 26/03/2011 13:10

I don't think it's necessarily dodgy at all. I do think it's a bit strange that she's not being friendly towards you.

Could just be because she's not good with people she doesn't know though.

If I was you I'd mention to DH that you find her very off-hand with you and see how that conversation goes. Could be that all that's needed is a proper introduction by DH to break the ice. TBH giving lifts to a colleague is exactly the sort of thing that my DH would do and it wouldn't bother me.

clam · 26/03/2011 13:39

Buying him breakfast is only "paying him back" if he was going to be buying it for himself anyway. If he normally has a slice of toast before he leaves the house, then it's not saving him any money at all. It's just a treat - nice idea, but an "extra" he doesn't need. And which the OP doesn't benefit from - although she does indirectly "suffer" from the loss of the money he spends on driving out of his way to pick her up.

If he were driving past her at the bus-stop on the way to work, then I can see how the lift idea might come about. Would seem churlish not to pick her up. But why is he so happy to go out of his way to collect her on this one day that you don't go in?

I agree, there's probably no likelihood of them shagging en route. At the moment. But if this guy's got form for overstepping boundaries, the OP would be foolish not to keep her eyes open on this one. All affairs start somewhere, and this sounds to me like as good a place as any.

Original poster

Ray81 · 26/03/2011 14:42

Clam, he doesnt have a breakfast if he doesnt take her in and will have something at home so he isnt realy being paid back, it is just an extra he doesnt need.

I agree if he were driving past her at the bus stop then in all likelyhood i would have less of an issue with it. The other week he took her in and went to his dads after work so i asked how she had got home and he said she got the train so it is possible for her to get in without his help.
The reason he doesnt pick her up the other days is because he has been getting the bus and now i work there we go in together on the days i am there and he gets the bus when i dont work ifswim.

Another problem i have is that the information is never offered by him i have to ask him, so when he first started taking her it was because he was picking someone else up (male friend) and several weeks later after this friend stopped working with him he mentioned he had breakfast i asked why and he said he was picking her up, didnt say she brought the breakfast. Then i had to ask every week if he was collecting her and then asked if she gave him petrol money and he told me she brought it. When i asked what they talk about he said nothing much she doesnt realy talk which i find hard to believe. so realy the issue is with him being cagy and her not speaking to me ifswim.

I also agree they are probably not shagging on the way to work but again like clam said an affair has to start somewhere and yes he has got form and has decieved me before because of the rush he got from the attention so it could happen again. So i will keep my eyes open i dont want to be the wife that says no you cant do that ifswim because as we all know tell someone what they can and cant do and they will want to do that more. I will also approach her and introduce myself see if her not speaking to me is because she is shy if she is rude then i my put my foot down.

I do want to trust my instints and they are telling me something is a miss tbh.

OP posts:

ValiumSingleton · 26/03/2011 14:50

I'd trust your instincts if I were you. If she's confident enough to buy a man breakfast and sit in the car with him and chat, then she's confident enough (or socially skilled enough) to look his wife in the eye and say hello and smile!

The fact that she can't manage that is a bit unsettling. Yes a man can give a woman a lift to work without shaggery going on .... but there's something not right about her inability to just be polite to the wife of the man giving her a lift, doing her a favour.

I think it'd be a good idea to introduce yourself. Be really confident. See how she reacts. If she is 'above board' then she'll no doubt be responsive and natural. If she secretly fancies your husband then you will detect that awkwardness I'm sure.

catzcream · 26/03/2011 14:56

Ok - If you have an issue with this, it is because of issues you have with your DH.

Years ago, when I started my first job in London (involved early start and commuting from docklands to sw london), I was without a car and it was an awful commute. One night after work a colleague found out he lived literally round the corner from me. He started giving me lifts every day (and evenings if we were leaving at the same time).

I bought him a starbucks that we stopped at enroute to the office and even lunch a few times. Nothing happened between us, the spark simply didnt exist and it didnt even cross my mind. Thank goodness neither of our other halves minded as it would have made my life much harder! It didnt even cross my mind to think that anyone would think anything was going on.

A few months later when my car was sorted, I bought him big case of beer to say thank you.

TBH, if you want to cheat and shag about, you will find a way. A lift to work doesnt mean anything will happen.

takewhatyoucan · 26/03/2011 15:01

If you feel hostile towards her, she may pick up on it at work even if you are trying not to send off any signals to her. That may be a reason why she is not friendly towards you.

I would say, do introduce yourself, be really friendly and maybe, if you are up to it, invite her over for tea one night? To "get to know her better".

Trust your instincts. Keep friends close and enemies closer!

spidookly · 26/03/2011 15:06

Good point cartz, one time I got the train home with a male colleague when we were both drunk. Nothing happened between us at all and that proves that this entirely unrelated situation is definitely just the same.

ENormaSnob · 26/03/2011 15:13

The rudeness and petrol money would piss me off.

I also find it odd that he is keen to do this when it is out of his way. Driving past is a different matter.

dignified · 26/03/2011 15:32

If theyre freindly enough for him to go out of his way to get her , and theyre freindly enough to eat breakfast together , then why are they not talking at work ?

Your H should have asked you about these lifts seeing as its costing you , and if hes going out of his way to collect and drop off then its time away from the family , again up for discussion.

I think youve every right to be wary , hes got form for being deceitfull . I would aproach her and ask her if theres a problem , i would stamp the lifts out ( why should she get to snub you and use your car ? ) and have another talk about the fake accounts and boundarys because it doesnt sound like that was ever really resolved properly.

Original poster

Ray81 · 26/03/2011 18:06

Dignified, i think that is also part of my problem tbh it just seems wierd that they dont realy speak in work and according to him she sent him an email asking him to take her to work rather then speak to him even though he sits 5 desks away from her. I asked today if he had had breakfast and he said no its alittle out of the way as she has moved house now (macdonalds), i then asked if she would now give him petrol money and he said it hadnt come up in conversation and i told him she needed to as it is well out of his way and petrol isnt cheap, he just shrugged and said i suppose. Again very no commitle and it rings alarm bells for me the way he brushes it off coupled with the fact that she doesnt speak to me.

The more i think about it the more i am almost sure there is something a miss but dont want to let on ifswim, if there was something going on i would want hard evidence and i wont get that by letting on that i am suspious.

We had long talks when all the fake accounts were discovered and he assured me he would never do it again and he loves me and the DDs and he doesnt want to lose us at all but the thing that worries me is that it was a rush for him and if he is getting that again, even if it is because she gives him attention and nothing more then it may lead onto other things and of course i would rather that didnt happen.

Catzcream- if he was picking her up on his way then that wouldnt worry me so much but he goes well out of his way to get her using our petrol and our car and she wont even look at me at work. it just seems odd and makes me feel uncomfortable ifswim.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 26/03/2011 18:18

Hmmmm... I think I retract my earlier comment based on the other things you've mentioned. I still don't think she's necessarily hiding anything or behaving inappropriately but it does sound as if your DH likes to create a bit of a frisson (not saying he'll ever do anything about it) and this does sound a bit "off".

dignified · 26/03/2011 18:18

They communicate via email but are comfortable enough to sit in mcdonalds / or the car , gorging on sausage and egg mcmuffins and slurping coffees ? Im not buying it and i too would feel very uneasy . Theres NO WAY i would go out of my way to pick someone up who i apparently hardly know and dont talk to much.

Im assuming you discovered the fake accounts ect ? Had he actually met with anyone or had he simply not had the opportunity ? Either way he clearly gave himself permission to do this knowing it was out of order and youd be upset but went ahead anyway .

What would you do if you found out he had crossed the line with this woman in whatever way ?

Can you look at his phones / emails perhaps ?

Original poster

Ray81 · 26/03/2011 18:48

Dignified i discovered the accounts by mistake tbh, he had never met anyone as he put a picture of some real hunk on the account profile so it was all a fantasy, he was talking with one particular woman and i saw ALL the messages and they were just friends but he was talking to other women and did have cyber sex plus looking at alot of porn. When i discovered it all i was 9 months pg and he was ending it all by telling people he was going away to a remote part of the world to work, it did go on for nealry a yr though without me knowing ie no change in behaviour other then staying up late. i was so shocked as he wasnt the man i thought he was and it took alot of talking for me to understand why he had done it. Basically t was the excitment he was additiced to which he is no longer getting .

If i found out he had crossed the line with this woman our marriage would be over i have forgiven once and i couldnt do it again.

Have checked phone and nothing untoward, cannot access email as it is a workone so no way of me getting into that.

I just dont know what to think he is so evasive about her when i ask questions makes me think something is going on but i dont know what.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 26/03/2011 18:55

From your further posts I think you have reason to be suspicious.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/03/2011 18:56

Oh yes, your instinct is spot on Ray. I'm so sorry.

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