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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In being bored senseless with being a SAHM

120 replies

cazza40 · 25/03/2011 18:51

I have been at home with my 2 kids now for the last 3 years - before this I worked 4 days a week. I stopped working as I was exhausted - I worked a 6 day week in 4 days (!) and did everything at home too and by the time I had paid for childcare was hardly making any money at all.

The first few years were fine as I was renovating our house , had the 2 young kids to look after. Now both are at school and I am insanely bored with how mundane my life is. Does anyone else feel like this or AIBU ?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 27/03/2011 18:49

I suppose if you go back to cave man times, it made sense for a woman to have babies with someone who could provide, given that the woman couldn't do that so well for herself if she was pregnant/had small children. Maybe there is a hangover from that - evolutionary instinct is hard to overide.

In our recent history (1950's) it was seen as a woman's role to stay home and even in the modern workplace, men who take time out for family reasons are frowned upon and their career would be hindered. If women are oppressed by tradition, then men are equally so. The only way to have true fairness is to close the pay gap between men and women,then there will be as much incentive for a man to be a SAHP as a woman.

In the meantime though, men tend to earn more, don't have to take time out to give birth, so it will continue to be more likely for the woman(who earns less and does need to take time out) to give up work.

I wanted to stay home and be with my DC. If I was a high earner, then I'd consider their interests best served by me continuing to work. As their dad can earn enough to support us, I see nothing wrong in making a choice.

Also, there is an assumption that everyone gains their self esteem from their paid employment. Not true in all cases.

Violethill · 27/03/2011 18:53

I think people generally gain self esteem from various sources, paid employment being one of them. There are clear links between not being employed, and mental well being.

Of course, that doesn't mean everyone needs to be in full time employment all the time, but it's an issue to factor in. It's also wise to factor in the general economic situation. When times are good, it may be relatively easy to pick up work; at the moment, even well qualified graduates struggle to get into the workplace. All these things affect the decisions we make

alistron1 · 27/03/2011 18:58

I've been a parent for 14 years and was a full time SAHM for about 3 of those years. I cunningly managed to swing one of those years to coincide with my youngest son starting school.

It was fantastic. I had time to read loads, mess around on the internet, take nice afternoon naps, visit friends, sunbathe etc......however we had no money!!!

I have to work, with 4 kids life on one salary was rather tight and we have to think of the long term (i.e kids going to uni in the next few years). If DP was earning shitloads (as a ball park 60K plus) there is no way that I'd be working and the same would be true for him if I was earning big bucks.

Life (apart from the money situation) was so much less stressful and tiring when only one of us was working.

NinkyNonker · 27/03/2011 19:24

I don't know any women who have 'married up', we're a very equal circle socially.

DH works at the mo and I don't as dd is little, but when we met I had the high powered job while he was taking a few years out to go yachting. We've had all possible combinations of earning levels since. We both own the same amount of assets etc and I have more control over our joint finances.

Georgimama · 27/03/2011 20:11

All women marry beneath them. Oscar Wide said so, it must be true.

Georgimama · 27/03/2011 20:11

Oh sorry, google checked, it was Lady Astor. Still true though.

Violethill · 27/03/2011 20:18

LOL. I'm sure 'marrying up' was something that was done in the past, when women didn't have access to many careers, and where girls weren't even thought worth educating, and weren't legally allowed to own property etc

However, thankfully in the 21st century, most women consider themselves educationally and socially equal to men

MrsBloomingTroll · 27/03/2011 22:16

"Marrying up"...funny idea. DH and I were earning exactly the same when we got together. And I'm better educated than him.

But he was more ambitious than I was, so his career zoomed ahead. I didn't do too shabbily (my savings paid the stamp duty on our lovely house a couple of years ago and much of the furniture; his bought the cars) but I stayed put at my old company rather than risk losing maternity pay by switching. I was rewarded by being made redundant after maternity leave.

I know a shocking number of so-called-"SAHMs" in the same boat, having been easy targets for redundancy, unable to find a new job with the flexibility of hours to allow for childcare, whilst our OHs' careers flourish (no need to worry about getting home for nursery pick-ups and so on). We don't count in the unemployment stats because we're not "jobseekers".

Yes, my DH earns good money, but he can only work and earn the money at the level he does because I am at home. It's not a situation I particularly like or relish, but it's my reality for now, and with a pre-school child and another on the way, it's probably what I'll have to live with until they are at school.

Xenia · 27/03/2011 22:32

4 in 5 marry men who earn more. I have speculated on the reasons and mine might be a load of rubbish b ut if they are what are the other reasons for it?

Plenty of women are very ambitious too but even there the full time workers lots of them still marry men who are even more so. It;'s fascinating beacuse it's the biggest cause of lack of advancement for women - that their man earns more so if you have to decide who won't work it will b e the woman on £20k not the man on £100k or the man on £20k not the minimum wager on £13k or even the woman on £200k not the man on £1mk.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/03/2011 10:09

I don't understand why being a SAHP isn't valued. We are enabling our partners to earn what they do, so we are earning the family wage as much as our DHs are.

Yes, there are some drawbacks to life as a SAHP (financial ones, mainly), but there are many positives too. I can't quite get my head around this idea that paid work is the be all and end all. Someone said up thread that being in employment is linked to better mental health, but surely that applies only to people who want/need paid employment in order to support their families. Does that figure include people who have chosen to SAH?

What happened to the idea of working to live, not living to work?

Also it can't be ignored that men and women are different. Often the woman wants to be a SAHM, at least for a while. If I'd earned a lot of money, then my DH would have been willing to be a SAHD, but it wasn't something he would have actively wanted. I really did want to be home when my DC were tiny. Not all women are being forced into a life of drudgery, by ruthlessly ambitious husbands!

I wouldn't feel too sorry for the woman who gives up a £200K job to be a SAHM, if her dH is earning £1million. I bet she's having a whale of a time and doesn't feel oppressed at all!

MooMooFarm · 28/03/2011 10:17

I couldn't be a SAHM now my children are at school full-time; it would drive me nuts. If somebody enjoys it, fine, but if you don't, I would look into getting a PT job or finding something else 'structured' to do with (some of) your time.

YANBU.

NormanTebbit · 28/03/2011 13:16

Xenia - could it be that most women marry men who are slightkly older, thus higher up on the pay scale?

NinkyNonker · 28/03/2011 13:22

Or that men tend to get paid more for similar roles...?

NormanTebbit · 28/03/2011 13:24

I think the mental health aspects rest around 'choice.' If you choose to give up 'work' (and I don't regard being at home with three children under 5 as a rest) then I guess this is better for your mental health than redundancy or an existence which isn't meaningful to you.

wordfactory · 28/03/2011 14:49

I've got to be honest and say that I didn't care for being a SAHM.
i did all sorts of lovely things, but it felt like I was filling in my time.

But I also knew I didn't want to go back to my old job as it was too stressful for everyone.

Eventaully I ended up working from home, so I can still work, but can do it flexibly around the DC.

Catnao · 28/03/2011 16:31

I have never been a SAHM as have never been able to afford it - as I recall, I had 12 weeks off with my son. We are trying for another one now, and I still want to go back full time after maternity leave,if it happens, but hopefully would take a bit longer now we are older and both in (the same as it happens) careers. I just worry about being able to actually find the childcare in this area!

But I really love my job.

I have friends who are SAHMs and they find that rewarding too. I just feel I get the best of both worlds - I am a mum and I have a career.So if the OP doesn't like being a SAHM, then she is not being unreasonable, and I hope you manage to find something that suits, OP.

suburbanslob · 28/03/2011 16:43

YANBU

I have only just started mat leave and know being a SAHM is not going to be for me. We could manage for me not to go back to work with certain sacrifices I reckon but it's not an avenue I'll be going down. I already feel like I've lost my identity and I'm shocked at - despite the occasional whinge -how much work means to me.

suburbanslob · 28/03/2011 16:46

Also agree with this poster who said it was all about 'choice'. I think if the choice is not there you may hanker more to be a SAHM/have a career. I think if either option is denied that's when it becomes a problem.

controlpantsandgladrags · 28/03/2011 17:15

I've been a sahm for 3 years. My DDs are 3 and 1 and to be completely honest I find it bloody hard work. I don't want to go back to work whilst they are this young though, and maybe I won't go back the moment they start school either. I dream of a time when they are both at school and I can go to the gym/shop/read a book in a cafe/volunteer or even do the housework without a toddler hanging from my leg

I get bored a lot. Whilst my daughters are lovely, they are not particularly intellectually stimulating. Neither are they a good substitute for adult conversation, which by the way should not be under valued.

moonbells · 29/03/2011 21:42

As a F/T working mother, I sometimes get twinges of 'if only', though usually when the weather's as nice as recently! But since last week I've been a SAHM thanks to DS having a D&V bug and being banned from nursery.

I'm going spare after just 6 days (OK two were weekend but...)

There's only so much lego/brio/painting/reading/chasing round the garden I can do, I start straining at the invisible leash and just want to go somewhere I don't have to have eyes in the back of my head. Admittedly I don't get to go places when working either, which shows it's a state of mind sometimes.

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