In being bored senseless with being a SAHM

[cazza40]

I have been at home with my 2 kids now for the last 3 years - before this I worked 4 days a week. I stopped working as I was exhausted - I worked a 6 day week in 4 days (!) and did everything at home too and by the time I had paid for childcare was hardly making any money at all.

The first few years were fine as I was renovating our house , had the 2 young kids to look after. Now both are at school and I am insanely bored with how mundane my life is. Does anyone else feel like this or AIBU ?

I've been a sahm for (on and off) 8 years.

It has it's moments.

At the moment I really want to go back to work, but I can't :(

DC's are at school, so really feeling the pull to work.

So, just rediscovered an old hobby.

Might keep my mind off of work for a bit longer :)

I took 2 weeks off for the babies and always worked full time but I never lived with a sexist man, would not have tolerated it even for a day.

It sounds as if you want to get back to work. The trouble at the moment is finding work. Much easier said than done.

go back to work then! you had great innings but think now they are at school, time for you to get back to work

I'm with you, OP. Been a SAHM for 18 months since being made redundant. It was fun at first, but then the novelty wore off and the drudgery of the never-ending housework and admin hit home.

I also have a DH who is taking full advantage of my being at home to further his career, work long hours, and pay scant attention to childcare and other home-related matters. (He does work bloody hard though.)

I do have some childcare, but my child-free time is always a mad dash to get everything done and dusted (literally) before I have to go and pick up DD. She's a limpet-child and I cannot get anything done when she's around, except at mealtimes (sometimes).

It really hit home at new year, when we were reflecting on what we'd achieved in 2010 and I struggled to think of anything, other than facilitating the survival of DD and DH. And how bored I am by "Monday is laundry day. Tuesday I do the shopping. Wednesday I....blah blah blah".

I am now, finally, pregnant with DC2 and delighted about it because it means, all being well, that I can think about returning to training/work of some kind next year.

I don't know any SAHMs, everyone I know has a job.
I suppose the people I know, and the schools my children go to are working to middle-class.

Is it a certain group that become SAHMs?

The wealthy? I suppose the man must earn a fair bit.

I just don't know any, that's why I find these debates a bit bizarre.

Christ are we back to this again.
Op - why not study?

when DD2 was 12 months old. I enrolled in an NVQ level 3 in accounting (??) no idea why - but it was the only course that fitted with childcare and I could walk to college. I discovered train to gain funding ( not sure if it still exists) then got a job at the school my older daughter goes to working in the office very very part time. The job is very low paid, nothing like career, but there is no commuting and I work the hours DD2 is in nursery. I don't think I'll be there forever, but it gets me out of the house it's hugely rewarding.

gosh, all you sahms with school aged kids, your husbands must be saints.

Imagine working 40 hours a week in a hard job, probably stuck in an office, while your OH is reading, sitting in the garden, going for lunch, having lovely walks, doing a hobby, playing with horses...

I think it would be impossible not to be resentful, even if it isn't show. The words 'freeloader' and 'taking the piss' spring to mind. It must corrode a relationship over time. I wonder how many of these men will be around in five years, or will they have dound someone who has a bit of independance and pride, isn't using them to bankroll a lovely, lazy life?

found

Actually qwerty I can understand why you would think that. But peoples lives are far more complicated than glib stereotypes.
Dh does not resent my being at home at all for many many reasons.
Your basic assumption is that sahms do nothing when that is far from the case for me.
Your assumption is also that high earning dh has created the financial situation that allows one partner to be at home which is far from the whole situation with us, ignoring as it does the 5 years of pretty high earning I did before I even met him and the substantial amount I had saved for the deposit on our house.
We have always been a team for the 23 years we have been together. This is just how it works currently for us. Why would dh resent my facilitating a life that we both chose.
When we realised one of us needed to be at home we didn't initially know which of us it would be. It could just as easily been him. I wouldn't have resented him. Just as I currently don't resent his business trips to Australia, corporate trips to rugby internationals and meals at the ivy. We just have our roles that make our family work for the good of all of us. In any lovingbfamily there are good bits and shit bit surely?

Dh and I both reap huge benefits from the way our life is organised, all of which are quality if life issues that matter hugely to both of us.
Other couples will have a different dynamic and that is fine. It would be stupid to suggest that we all want the same things in life. My ideal life, my families happiness , would be horrible to others. We don't all enjoy the same things of value the same things.

But if he resented me then he would tell me. He doesn't. Our life is very nice just the way it is.

I agree pagwatch that all relationships are unique, and no one else really knows all the history and nuances of a relationship anyway. HOWEVER, I can also see qwertys point, that where you have relationships which seem very unequal (and lets face it, some of the posts on here have been from SAHMs of school age children, extolling the luxury of not needing to work, and lunching, gardening, reading, popping to the gym....) then it does beg the question of how balanced the relationship is. Anyone who isn't working, is basically relying on someone else to support them.... Even if you have inherited wealth, you are relying on someone elses hard work which has generated that money. In your case pagwatch, you clearly brought a substantial amount financially to your relationship (as well as all the other important aspects) and you clearly have ongoing communication with your dh to ensure you're both happy with the balance. But I also think That these days (especially with the tough financial climate) its quite unusual to find couples where the husband is genuinely comfortable with financing a leisure lifestyle for the wife, long after the kids are in school. Many couples these days are happier with a balance whereby they both take more responsibility for family/ domestic stuff, and both share the responsibility for providing .

qwerty321 when I became a SAHM, there was an element of sacrifice involved. I have given up earning potential, pension contributions and taking time out means that getting back into my career would be difficult. My husband was happy for me to do this and agreed to take on the burden of earning for our family, because me being a SAHM suited our family circumstances.

My husband has gained by being able to concentrate on his career. He hasn't been hindered by having to get to the childminders on time/having to stay home when the DC were ill/being unable to go abroad for work. He's been able to do that because I was in a position to take care of those things. Hardly 'freeloading' or 'taking the piss'. We took a view that money needed to be earned and DC needed to be looked after, so simply divided it up as suited us best.

Once my youngest starts school, I am looking forward to having some time to myself during the day. I certainly won't be bored or boring. My husband is happy for me to have this time, because I will still be looking after the DC after school, in the holidays, when they are sick. Why shouldn't I enjoy the time to myself during the day.

To those who blithely say 'go back to work', it isn't that easy. I don't want to do the sort of low paid, menial jobs that are often the only ones available to women who don't want to work school holidays/after school hours. My DH would hate to think I felt obliged to do that, having given up a decent career to look after our children.

I think there is a problem in society in that we judge our value by our jobs, but only paid employment seems to count. I know that what I do is important for my family, but life doesn't have to be all work and drudgery. Nothing wrong with having and enjoying some free time.

Of course. I agree completely.

I think that is why these conversations are difficult on here. Because people are talking about generalities but then apply that to everyone on a thread.

When you get posters calling anyone who is at home 'idle' it is really unproductive because it will never represent everyone in that situation. A person can be idle but to call a swathe of people names is always childish and inaccurate.
Exactly the same as when sahms make ignorant sniffy comments about childcare - stupid.

I have done all things. Single and earning. Buying my own home. Married working couple. Working mum and now sahm. I am pretty far from idle. Pretty fucking far.
Had you told ne 13 years ago when I stopped work to have ds2 that I would never go back I simply would not have believed you. But my life changed and what dh and I want changed.
I think the model of both parents working will be the the norm and that is broadly a good thing. But I think if specific families want and chose different from that they should not be called names and sneered at. They may well have good cause.

And I always think others making judgements about how other families operate should take pause because when you think about it it is both arrogant and judgemental. And to be clear ,I mean that for both sides of the argument.

I'm reading this thread and feeling slightly about SAHMs with DC's at school who can shop/go to museums/do what they want and generally don't have to justify their time at home.

We don't desperately need the extra money I would earn if I went back to work, but DH would utterly resent it if I sat at home doing whatever I wanted with not a thought for where the money was coming from and how hard he works.

I'm definitely bored as a SAHM now that DS is at nursery, but equally don't feel that this is my chance just to go off and "enrich" my life with lunches and galleries - not at the expense of a DH who kills himself at work every day and wants to see his wife actually fulfilled by using her talents.

I'm surprised that so many men are happy to have wives that don't do either of two options that contribute to the family unit during the day: work to add to finances; or look after the children. I am genuinely quite that a third option of "doing what I want to do whenever I want to do it" is so prevalent?

Just to add that at the start of our family life, I was the one working full time and supporting DH financially. Me being a SAHM has also meant that when DH was asked to move abroad for the benefit of his career, we were in a position to do so. It's not as black and white as one person doing everything and one person doing nothing. Contribution doesn't have to be financial to be important.

Nowaynohow,

I think you are slightly missing the point that the 'what I want when I want' applies to the contrstruction of the day. Not the content.
I do what I want around those jobs and tasks I need to do.
I am also not clear how you reach the conclusion that I don't care for my children or contribute as I do both.
Dh will be delighted to know that he kills himself working. That sound really macho. In fairness he does look tired after skiing last week....

But what is wrong with that NoWayNoHow. If your DH had given up a good career and lost out on earning potential, career progression etc to do something which benefitted your family and your career, would you really resent him a few years down the line, having some free time in the day? He would still be available during that time in case the kids were ill at school, still doing the school run, looking after the DC in the holidays and in the afternoons after school and generally enabling you to have a career you enjoy (my DH works very hard, but does also enjoy having a career).

Nowaynohow- I agree that it would be entirely possible to fill ones days with enriching activities, there is no reason to be bored just because you're not in paid employment. But as you say, if someone is doing that at the expense of their partner then its a pretty odd set up IMO. My dh enjoys reading, gardening, visiting art galleries etc as much as I do, and he'd be pretty resentful if I suggested that he should be the sole provider to enable me to spend my days doing those things! Not to mention the fact that it would give a rather odd view of life to our children.

The words 'freeloader' and 'taking the piss' spring to mind

totally agree sitting reading in the garden lol, and then expect him to come home and do some housework.................you crack me up some people on here.

Also, surely if you feel you have sacrificed a good career, pension and progression (which several people have referred to on here) the last thing you want to be doing is spending years more out of the workplace. Yes, it can be tough to get back in, 'but the longer out, the tougher it is. It doesn't mean having to go right back to the bottom of the ladder and just do menial jobs, but it DOES mean putting yourself out there. Not to mention the whole issue of pensions.... I seriously wonder what some women think they are going to live on if they outlive their husband. I mean, even in the position of being entitled to part of your husbands pension (which isn't the case for all pensions, only some have a widows pension element) - do people honestly realise that this probably wont be enough?
To return to the OP- you are frustrated and bored. Get back to work, you've enjoyed your time at home but you sound ready to move to the next phase of your life

violet I think that's kind of where I'm coming from. karma I totally believe that I've given up something to be SAHM, but both DH and I agreed that if we could afford it, that's what we would want to do.

I know I've worked hard for the last 3 years raising DS, but I don't think that entitles me to consider that time "banked" and to enjoy free time with no guilt. After all, DH has also worked for 3 years, just in a different job, and he doesn't get any free time as a reward.

I think that's the issue - yes, I gave up work, but I did that because DH's wage was bigger. It could equally have been the other way round, and I don't think of it, in either case, as some massive sacrifice that deserves continued praise.

I do, however, think that if I were the bread winner and DS was at school, I'd be very resentful that I was still working hard and NOT getting any free time...

Ok. Clearly I am a woman and too stupid to have made sound financial provision. And haven't thought through the pension issue, nor the consequences of absence from the workplace.
I am just pleased that my ability to respect other peoples choices and assume that they are intelligent, diligent and sensible is superior to some on this thread.
And trying to discuss the issue with mutual respect is much more challenging than making cliche ridden slightly bigoted judgements.

Same old sahm vs wohm I guess

Violethill I think you raise a good point about the pensions. That is certainly a concern for a lot of people.

But, I think people have a false impression of SAHMs doing nothing once the DC are in school. Sure, there will be hours in the day when the DC are at school and a SAHM will be doing something nice for themselves, but children come home from school at 3.30. They still need feeding, help with homework, the house still needs cleaning, shopping still needs to be done etc. I imagine very few people will be parked on the sofa eating chocolates all day!

When my DD starts pre school, my first plan is to fix all the things in this house that need doing and re decorate it from top to bottom. I have a garden wasteland that needs addressing. My son is starting GCSEs, and I expect he will need help. Just because the DC won't be here between 9 - 3.30, doesn't mean that there is nothing to do.